Can't Let Go
I had my chance. I keep telling myself this. But it doesn't help. Every time I see her with him, my heart races with uncontrollable feelings of rage and anger. I'm sitting at the soundboard mixing her latest song. I hear her voice radiate through the speakers and I think of her. I can still smell the lingering scent of her. Only five minutes earlier she had been sitting next to me, listening to her latest track with me. Until she got a call from him and she hurried out of the room to take the call in privacy. It doesn't even matter which 'he' it is – I've watched her with Shay, Spiederman, Jamie and now this new guy – Nathan. He's the lead singer of some punk band she saw with Patsy.
She brought him to the studio last week to introduce him to everyone and it took all my strength to keep from ripping his hands off; the way he touched her body intimately made my skin burn with jealousy. I clenched my fists so tightly that my nails actually punctured the skin on my palms. The pain felt good – at least it distracted me from the vile sight in front of me. I finally walked away before I said or did anything inappropriate. It's not like I intended to be rude to the guy. But watching him grope her, I felt myself losing control quickly.
I can't take it. Watching the way she smiles at him makes my blood boil – she hasn't smiled that way at me since the day before her 18th birthday –the day I broke her heart. It had been a month, and except for work, she barely even acknowledged my existence. She was wrapped up in him now.
Jude walked back into the studio, a joyful smile on her face.
I couldn't myself and I asked, "What's got you so happy," knowing I probably wouldn't like the answer.
"Nathan and I are going to a concert tonight," she said, not making eye contact and she seated herself back in the chair that sat only a foot away from mine. "Let's just get back to work," she added dismissively.
"Fine by me," I commented, turning back to the board. We worked for a while until her cell phone rang, alerting her she had a text message. She looked at it, and started laughing quietly.
"If you don't put that thing away, I'm going to throw it across the room," I spat out, more harshly than I had intended.
"What is your problem?" she asked, her face a mixture of puzzlement and anger.
"Look, we have work to do. And punk boy should understand that."
"You know what, Tommy? I think we're done for today," she said, standing up and moving to walk out.
I moved quicker than she, and grabbed her arm, stopping her from moving any further. "We have to finish this song, okay? Let's just do the work and forget about your boyfriend."
She looked down at the contact of our bodies, where my hand had a hold of her wrist, "Let go of me," she whispered.
"What if I don't want to let you go?" I asked, moving closer to her, still retaining the physical connection between us. "What if I can't let you go?" The last question was barely audible, but when I looked into her eyes, which were visibly softening towards me, I knew she'd heard me. And I knew she understood that this conversation was no longer about the work we had to do.
"You have to," she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. She was breathing heavily; we both were, and I moved even closer. I looked down, our foreheads almost touching.
"I can't," I said simply, and pulled her towards me, filling the final gap between us, and kissed her, a penetrating, soul-searing kiss. She tried to pull away and first, but within seconds, as I deepened the kiss, I felt her body give into the inevitable.
I pulled away from the kiss, breathless and aroused. I looked at her and saw my feelings reflected in her eyes. I still held her close, our faces only inches apart.
"Tommy…" she started, trying to figure out what she should say to me.
"Harrison, I can't let you go, ever," I whispered, reinforcing the statement I made before I kissed her. "And I don't want to."
I could see her fighting her feelings, and then suddenly she pulled me close, leaning her head on my chest.
I breathed deeply, satisfied that I'd finally gotten through to her, that I was still the only man that she truly wanted.
She looked up at me, "I can't let go of you, either. And I don't want to, not ever," she whispered.
I brought her in close again, holding her tightly in my arms, standing in the middle of Studio A. I relished the feel of her body against mine. And I knew that this time, we wouldn't let go of each other.
Because when you find a love like ours, you have to fight for it. You can't let go, not ever.