Chloe didn't remember when it started. They were doing good. Beca was transferred to the LA branch of Residual Heat and Chloe got a job teaching music at a new school. They were happy. Chloe would work until 3 then she'd come home and make dinner. Beca would come home at 6 and they'd eat dinner together and spend the rest of the night watching Netflix or listening to music. But Beca started coming home later each day, claiming that her boss asked her to work late. She would come home at 8, then 9, then 10, then she'd stop coming home at all. Beca would get more defensive and irritated each time Chloe asked where she was so Chloe stopped asking. She got used to eating alone and only seeing Beca in passing on the mornings she decided to come home.
Chloe didn't know what she did wrong. She thought Beca was happy. She thought they were happy. Chloe tried to pull Beca back to her but each attempt pushed Beca further away. She figured if Beca was pulling away then she would too. Part of her believed Beca would try harder if she didn't. She stopped texting Beca goodnight and good morning, she stopped making dinner for Beca, she stopped staying home every night waiting for Beca, knowing she wouldn't be there.
She started going to clubs and bars a few nights a week. She'd drink until she was tipsy and dance with whoever she wanted too and flirt with whoever would flirt back. She didn't think it was a big deal. She wasn't going home with anyone, she wasn't kissing anyone. It wasn't like she was cheating on Beca. Chloe kept telling herself that it was just innocent fun. Until it wasn't.
Chloe didn't mean to, she really didn't plan on going home with him. They flirted, they danced, he bought her a drink and he was there. She complained about how her "girlfriend didn't love her anymore" and how exhausted she was. He, Charlie, listened and offered to take her home. She cried in the back of the cab and he told her she deserved better than someone who didn't appreciate her. She kissed him and told him to take her to his place. They kissed but he wouldn't let it go further. He told her that he didn't want to take advantage of her when she was drunk and emotional. She cried herself to sleep in his arms.
Chloe woke up the next morning and immediately felt sick. Charlie wasn't there with her. She could hear him whistling in another room. She started crying again. He came in carrying coffee and Advil. He set them down and hugged her and tried to calm her down.
"I'm, God, I'm s-such a j-jerk!" Chloe sobbed.
"Shh." Charlie whispered, "You weren't thinking clearly last night, I shouldn't have brought you here. I know you feel bad but… it's natural to look for intimacy somewhere else if you can't find it in your own relationship. And," he paused, "If I may be honest, I don't think it's a good relationship anyway."
He offered to drive her home. She cried in the car. He sang loudly to the radio and tried to make her laugh. He gave Chloe his phone number, if she ever needed someone to talk to or somewhere to go. He kissed her forehead before she left. Beca's car wasn't in the driveway. Chloe watched Charlie drive away. She didn't deserve either of them.
Chloe lasted a month before calling Charlie. She tried harder to make it work with Beca. She started making dinner for the both of them again, she visited Beca at work, (Beca was too busy to see her), and she stopped going to clubs. She tried to act normal but she couldn't look at Beca without feeling a stab of guilt. She would look at Beca and see Charlie, she would hug Beca and feel Charlie's arms around her, she would kiss Beca and remember the way Charlie kissed her. Everything Beca did reminded her of Charlie. She was falling apart.
Beca was out again. It was late, or early, Chloe didn't know. She had been waiting for Beca since 6, when Beca was supposed to get off work. She texted Beca and got no response and her calls went straight to voicemail. She didn't know where Beca was or what she was doing. Her phone was at her ear before she realized what was happening.
"Hello?" His voice was thick with sleep.
"Charlie." Chloe sniffled. She didn't remember when she started crying.
"Chloe?" Charlie asked. "Chloe, what's wrong?"
"She's not here," Chloe said, "I don't know where she is but she's not here."
"Okay," Chloe could hear him shuffling through the phone, "Okay, I'm coming over."
"No!" Chloe said, "No, she'll be home soon, I know it. I know it." Chloe knew she must've sounded desperate but she couldn't help it.
"What do you want me to do?" Charlie asked softly. This brought a fresh wave of tears, he was so nice, so caring, she didn't deserve that from him.
"I don't know!" She cried. "I don't know what I want."
"Okay," Charlie said, "It's okay, don't cry. You don't need to have everything figured out."
"Okay," Chloe whispered. "I'm sorry I woke you." Chloe heard a car door close outside. "She's home! I gotta go, she's home."
"Okay, bye Chlo."
Chloe wanted to scream. That was Beca's name for her, not his. "Don't… don't call me that. Its… she… that's what she calls me."
"Okay, Chloe it is. Bye Chloe."
"Bye Charlie." Chloe paused. "Thank you."
Chloe stared at her phone in her lap when Beca came in. Chloe knew Beca was trying to be quiet, not knowing Chloe was still awake. Chloe felt the stab of guilt, this was still her Beca, the Beca she fell in love with in college, the Beca she didn't deserve. Chloe couldn't stop the tears. She heard Beca's sharp intake of breath when she saw Chloe.
"Shit, Chlo." Beca's voice was slurred slightly. "What's wrong?"
Beca sat down and hesitantly put her arm around her. This made Chloe cry harder. Beca loved her so much, she would never do what Chloe did, nor would she forgive Chloe if she knew. After a few minutes Beca realized Chloe wasn't going to tell her.
"Chloe," She sighed, "I have work in the morning, and so do you, just… can you stop crying?"
Chloe pushed Beca off of her. "Are you fucking serious Beca?!" Chloe snapped. "Can I just stop crying? Do you even fucking care?" Chloe looked at Beca, she looked scared, smaller than she's ever looked before. For some reason this angered Chloe more. "Goddammit Beca!"
"Wh-What are talking about? Are you… did I… do something?" Beca asked quietly.
Chloe stood up and started pacing. "Beca, can you not see it? You're never here! You're working or you're drinking or you're God knows where but you're not here!"
Beca didn't say anything. Chloe huffed and stormed to her room. She knew she wasn't really mad at Beca, she was mad at herself. She changed into her pyjamas and laid in bed. Beca came in a little while later. She sounded like she was crying. That makes two of us, Chloe thought. Beca laid down beside Chloe.
"I'm sorry." Beca whispered. "I'll be better, I promise Chlo."
Chloe started crying again. She knew Beca meant it. She hated herself for letting it get this far. Beca had matured since college. She didn't run when things were hard and didn't shut down when serious topics were brought up. If Chloe had just talked to her, told her how she felt, they wouldn't be in this situation. Beca kissed Chloe's shoulder and rolled over.
The next day Beca was home at 6:30. They had dinner together and Beca put on one of Chloe's favourite movies and watched it without complaining, even if she did fall asleep halfway through. It was almost like things were back to the way they were before. Chloe could almost forget what happened. She could kiss Beca again without feeling sick.
Good things, of course, never last. Beca went back to her old habits and Chloe fell asleep alone again. She talked to Charlie everyday now, they called and texted and sometimes met for lunch. Chloe was learning to live with the guilt and keeping the pain at bay. They never did anything physical, just talked. Chloe wasn't cheating, just hanging out with a friend. A friend she may not have told Beca about, but still a friend. And it wasn't cheating when Chloe didn't correct her coworkers when they asked about her boyfriend, or when she changed the photo of her and Beca on her desk to one of her and Charlie, or when her parents asked her why she doesn't talk about Beca anymore. Chloe just hadn't seen Beca that much, it was fine. They were fine. Chloe loved Beca and Beca loved Chloe and it was enough.
Chloe tried to avoid telling Charlie about Beca. She didn't want him to think Beca was a horrible person or a bad girlfriend. Beca was amazing, Chloe knew that. It was why she still stayed with Beca even after everything. Charlie didn't get it, he didn't know Beca. Chloe knew Beca, she loved Beca. She liked Charlie but she loved Beca. Chloe told herself that every day, that she loved Beca, that Beca loved her, that they were fine, it was enough. It helped her feel less guilty about the situation. She needed a friend and Charlie wanted to be that friend.
Chloe couldn't avoid talking about Beca forever. She needed someone to talk to and Beca wasn't an option. Neither was Aubrey, her best friend. Aubrey was her usual choice for these kinds of things. Aubrey would fly from Atlanta to LA just to "kick the little hobbit's ass" and make Beca feel bad about how she was treating Chloe. But Chloe knew it wasn't all Beca's fault. Aubrey wouldn't get it, she would tell Chloe to leave Beca, to find someone who really cares about her. Chloe wouldn't listen to her. Beca loved her, cared for her, she just wasn't good at showing it. And she had Charlie now, Charlie cared for her too. It was enough for Chloe.
It was Chloe and Charlie's third time going out for lunch that week. Chloe was stressed. Report cards were due in a couple of weeks and Beca was preparing to leave for a month on tour with a band whose music she'd produced. Charlie took her to McDonalds and bought them both Big Macs with extra fries. He claimed that he always had Big Macs and fries when he was stressed and swore by their "calming therapeutic methods". Chloe was thankful for Charlie. Beca never took her out for lunch when she was stressed. She told Charlie this and a dark look crossed his face.
"What's wrong?" Chloe asked when she noticed.
"Nothing." Charlie shook his head. "How is Beca anyway?"
"Oh… She's fine. She's going on tour next month." Chloe said.
Charlie nodded. "Anything else?"
Chloe sighed. "She's just… super busy with work. With the tour coming up and the album release, she's just busy. And it's fine. We're fine. I'm busy too. It's fine."
"Chloe," Charlie said, "Don't lie to me, I know it's not fine. Just tell me about what you're feeling."
Chloe felt herself tear up. It had been a long time since someone asked her how she was feeling because they wanted to know. "It's just… I miss her." Chloe's voice cracked. "I love her so much and I miss being with her and I don't know what to do."
Charlie reached across the table and took her hand. "Maybe you should tell her how you're feeling."
Chloe shook her head. "I can't. Not right now. She's busy, and it's fine. I don't want to bother her with the tour coming up and all the work she has to do. It's fine."
Charlie sighed. "You need to stop thinking of yourself as a burden Chloe. I get it, Beca's busy but you're her girlfriend. If she really loves you then she'll want to know. Your feelings take priority over whatever work she has to do. You're both in this relationship, it will never work out if only one of you is committed."
Chloe didn't know what to say to that. She knew Beca loved her, she knew Beca would want to know, but maybe she wasn't as committed as she used to be. Chloe couldn't blame her for that. It's not like she was working very hard at their relationship. She thought Charlie had a point. If they're both not as committed as they should be, maybe they should stop pretending to be as in love as they used to be. But Chloe couldn't do that. She loved Beca, and Beca loved her and that's enough.
Chloe couldn't stop thinking about what Charlie said for the weeks before Beca's tour. There was truth in what he said, even Chloe could see Beca's commitment was lagging. Though, Chloe had to admit, Beca wasn't the only one to blame. Chloe did kiss someone else, and she did still hang out with that someone, Beca didn't do that at least. The more Chloe thought about it, the more her guilt grew until she couldn't look Beca in the eyes.
Beca noticed, Chloe was sure of it. Chloe knew that Beca could tell that she wasn't herself. As much as they had drifted apart, Chloe still waited for Beca to get home, still made her coffee in the morning, and still texted her during the day. The guilt was too much, so Chloe stopped waiting for Beca to get home, she just went to bed and tried not to wake up when she heard Beca come in. She stopped texting Beca, she had drafted ten messages telling Beca everything but ultimately deleted them all. She stopped drinking coffee in the mornings, in an effort to calm her nerves. Beca noticed, but didn't say anything. Chloe didn't know which was worse, missing Beca more than before or the knowledge that Beca didn't seem to care.
The tour came faster than anticipated. Beca was leaving the next week and Chloe was still avoiding her. Beca was packed and ready, the first time she had been ready early for anything. Chloe was proud of her. Her dreams were coming true, she had produced an album and was now touring with the band. Chloe was thankful she was there to witness it. It was enough for Chloe to just be there while Beca lived her dreams.
"Hey Chlo?" Beca asked. It was three days before she left. Beca had taken a couple days off before she left to prepare.
"Yeah?" Chloe looked up from her class notes. "What's up?"
Beca sat across from Chloe at the table. "Do you… Are you upset that I'm leaving?" Beca fiddled with her bracelets.
"What? No, of course not. I'm happy for you Beca." Chloe said.
"It's just… it feels like you've been avoiding me." Beca said.
Chloe shifted uncomfortably. "What makes you say that?"
Beca sighed. "Chloe, something is up. Can you at least tell me what's going on?"
"Nothing is going on Beca. Just drop it okay? I have things to do." Chloe didn't know why she was so angry. Beca was doing what Chloe had wanted her to do all along.
Beca threw her hands up. "Whatever you say Chlo." Beca stormed out of the house. Chloe flinched as she heard the front door slam.
Chloe didn't know what to do. She loved Beca, loved her since her first senior year at Barden. Why did it feel different now? Beca was closed off then like she is now, and Chloe still loved her. She loved Beca now, but it didn't feel like it was supposed to. Being with Beca felt more like a job now than a relationship. Chloe didn't know how to fix it. She couldn't leave Beca, she loved Beca and Beca loved her too. If that was enough for Beca then it was enough for Chloe too.
Beca didn't come back until the next day. She was leaving the day after. Chloe didn't know where she had stayed the night before, all she cared about was that Beca was back and leaving soon. Chloe cried in Beca's arms for hours. She almost spilled everything but managed to stop herself. She admitted to Beca that she was upset that she was leaving and that she would miss her when she was gone. She knew deep down that wasn't true. She was afraid of how things would change while Beca was gone. Chloe spent most of her time waiting for Beca, thinking about Beca, and avoiding Beca. Chloe knew she would miss her, but she was scared that she wouldn't miss her as much as she should.
Beca's leaving was better and worse than Chloe imagined. She cried in the car on the way to the airport, cried when Beca was boarding, and cried on the way home. Beca had been good. She tried to cheer her up by telling bad jokes that Chloe would laugh at and reassuring Chloe that they would be okay. The more Beca told her everything would be okay the less Chloe believed it. She could tell that Beca was as anxious as she was. Chloe knew things would never be the same, and Beca did too. As badly timed as this tour was Chloe knew they needed time apart. She needed a chance to figure out her feelings without worrying about Beca.
Chloe felt better once she got home. It was like a weight was lifted off her shoulders and she could finally relax. She opened a bottle of wine and watched reruns of Friends all day. Beca phoned when she got settled at her hotel. Beca complained about the flight, how slow the room service was, and how loud the people in the room next to her were. As Chloe listened to Beca's voice over the phone she began to feel normal again. She felt like they were in the beginning of their relationship again, before work, before Charlie, before the lying. Chloe started to believe that they really would be okay.
That feeling didn't last long. Beca got too busy to call, too tired to Skype, and could barely text Chloe to tell her where she was that day. Chloe knew, logically, it wasn't Beca's fault. This was her first tour, she needed time to adjust to being on the road. Chloe knew that, she understood. But understanding didn't stop Chloe's mind from wondering. She couldn't help but think that Beca wasn't as busy as she said, that she wasn't talking to Chloe because she didn't want to, that she didn't want to be with Chloe anymore but didn't want to leave. Beca had confessed to staying with Jesse for so long because she was scared that no one else would love her as much. Chloe didn't know how to handle that.
Chloe found herself waking up in a cold sweat after nightmares about Beca. Sometimes Beca would tell Chloe that she never loved her and was only with her to avoid being alone. Sometimes Chloe would come home and all of Beca's things would be gone. Sometimes, and these ones bothered Chloe the most, she would see Beca getting drunk in a bar and going home with someone who wasn't Chloe. It was a constant reminder of Chloe's mistake, of her guilt. She couldn't look Charlie in the eye without seeing Beca's face, or Beca with someone else. Charlie knew something was wrong, but Chloe wouldn't tell him anything.
Chloe knew she had to choose. Beca or Charlie. She couldn't have them both, but she didn't want to lose either one. The longer this went on the more likely it was that Chloe would lose them both. She didn't know what to do. She loved Beca, loved her since they met. Beca was her rock, her safe place, the person she wanted to see when she was stressed or sad. Her relationship with Beca was everything she wanted in her life. Charlie was new, he was exciting, but he was stable. He was there for Chloe when Beca wasn't. He filled the cracks Chloe didn't know she had. Where Beca was a storm, raging and unforgiving, Charlie was a sunny day, soft and warm. Chloe needed the sun when she caught in the storm, but needed the fire when she was simmering coals. Chloe needed them both but could only have one.
Beca phoned three weeks into her tour. Chloe was with Charlie. She invited him over for dinner after she found a new chicken recipe and wanted to try it. Chloe didn't hear her phone the first time it rang. It wasn't until Charlie pointed it out that she noticed it. She had two missed calls from Beca. Chloe went to call her back but Beca phoned before she could. She took a deep breath and answered it.
"Beca," Chloe said, "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, um," Beca sounded nervous. "I just, I have to talk to you about something."
"Oh?" Chloe tried to not sound as panicked as she felt. Every nightmare she's had about Beca was running through her head.
"Yeah, the tour's been really good, um, better than they expected." Beca said. "Which is good. But um, they want to extend it for another two weeks and… I said that was okay. That's okay right?"
"If you think that's a good idea Becs, then go for it. I'm not stopping you. I just…" Chloe paused. "Never mind, that's great Becs."
"Are you sure? It's only two weeks and I thought that you would be happy for me." Beca said.
"I am, I am so happy for you. I just… I miss you." Chloe felt tears build in her eyes.
"I miss you too. I'm sorry that I've been so busy, I promise I'll call more and… I don't know." Beca sighed. "I don't know what you want from me."
"Beca." Chloe whispered.
"No, its not you, I'm just so busy and I forget to call and its not your fault." Beca sounded like she was crying. "Just, can you just tell me what to do? Just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it."
Chloe was crying too. "Beca, I don't know what to say. I want you to be happy." Beca didn't respond. Chloe could hear her breathing through the phone. "Becs?"
"Can we Skype tonight? I want to see your face."
Chloe looked at Charlie. "I… I can't tonight Beca." Charlie looked at Chloe. "I'm really tired and I have a lot of work to do. Is tomorrow okay?"
"Oh… yeah. Tomorrow is fine." Beca said. "I gotta go. Bye Chlo."
"Bye Becs." Chloe put her phone down and hung her head.
"Chloe," Charlie said, "You just lied to her."
Chloe nodded. "I know." Chloe sat down on the couch and buried her face in her hands. "I don't want to hear a lecture right now."
Charlie sat down next to her. He gingerly put his arm around her. Chloe curled into him and cried. Charlie gently kissed her on the head.
"You can't live like this." He whispered. Chloe knew he was right.
Chloe knew what she needed to do. She pulled out the old suitcase she had in college and brought it up to her bedroom. She stared at it for an hour, debating with herself about whether or not she should leave. Chloe decided that she would sleep on it. She would Skype Beca and if she still felt like leaving then she would. Chloe knew she was stalling but she didn't know what else to do.
She stayed up until 2am waiting for Beca to Skype. She fell asleep in front of the laptop. She was woken up an hour later to her laptop ringing. Blearily she answered it. Beca's face shone on the screen.
"Sorry," Beca said, "We went out to this club after the show and I lost track of time."
Chloe remembered how Beca always said she hated clubs, refusing to go despite how many times Chloe asked her. "Its fine." Chloe lied. She yawned and rubbed her eyes.
"Shit, it's really late there isn't it? Sorry, I didn't realize." Beca grimaced.
"Its fine." Chloe said. "How's the tour so far? Are you having fun?"
"Yeah, we're uh…" Beca looked away. Chloe could hear noises in the background.
"Becs?"
Beca looked back at her. "Huh? Oh, right, sorry. The guys keep messing around. What did you ask?"
"I asked if you were having fun."
"Right, we're having a lot of fun. People are loving them, its crazy. Did I tell you we've sold out three shows? How crazy is that?" Beca laughed.
"You didn't tell me." Chloe said. "Must've just… slipped your mind."
"Probably. Things have been so crazy, it's awesome." Beca's eyes were shining when she talked. Chloe remembered when they used to shine when Beca talked about her. "Anyway, how are you? Do you want to strangle any kids yet?"
Chloe laughed. "Not yet, but close. Tommy H. refuses to do his homework and Olivia C. keeps distracting the other students."
"They'll get better. If not, I'll come in there and kick their ass, I don't care if they're kids." Beca said.
"Not for three more weeks." Chloe mumbled.
"What?"
"Nothing." Chloe shook her head. "It was nothing. Um, I really like talking to you Becs, I miss this. But, um, I have to go, its really late and… you know how it is. I'm not 21 anymore."
"Oh, right." Beca cleared her throat. "I'll let you go then. I love you Chlo."
"Yeah, I… see you later Becs." Chloe hung up before Beca could say anything else.
Chloe called in sick to work the next day. She packed a suitcase and started looking for an apartment. Even though Beca wasn't coming back for three weeks Chloe wanted to be prepared. She took boxes from the grocery store and bought a bunch of cheap bags to pack her stuff. She found the task of sorting between her things and Beca's things more daunting than she could handle. She ended up reminiscing about when she bought the things with Beca instead of sorting. She called Charlie.
"Charlie, I-I can't do this." Chloe was crying.
"Do what? What's wrong?" Charlie asked.
"I don't know i-if I should keep the dish set o-or if I should let Beca k-keep it." Chloe took a shaky breath. "I-I didn't know packing was t-this hard."
"Packing?" Charlie asked. "You're packing? I'm on my way over."
Chloe didn't have to wait very long for Charlie to get there. She heard him knock but couldn't bring herself to get up to answer the door. He knocked again before coming in. Chloe was sitting on the couch drinking wine. She heard Charlie's sharp intake of breath before feeling his arms around her. A sob ripped from her chest. She cried in Charlie's arms for what felt like hours. She remembered how Beca used to sing to calm her down.
"I'm such a mess." Chloe wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for." Charlie said. "I'll always be here if you need me."
Chloe nodded. She looked around the room at the boxes strew everywhere. She realized she never thought about what she would do after she left. She never was much of a planner. She sighed when she thought about all the work she'd have to do if she really left.
"Am I doing the right thing?" Chloe asked.
"Do you want to leave?" Charlie asked softly. "Do you, 100 percent, actually want to leave?"
Chloe didn't answer. She didn't know the answer. She loved Beca and Beca loved her but she didn't think it would be enough anymore. She knew that this was inevitable, her and Beca weren't going to last forever. She needed to leave before staying destroyed her.
"Yes. I… I want to." Chloe said.
"Then, it's the right thing to do." Charlie stood up. "Where should we start?"
Chloe gave him a small smile. "I've already packed all my clothes. I don't know how to divide up everything."
"Don't start with the dishes."
"What?"
"When you pack," Charlie said, "You never start with the dishes. Start smaller. What does Beca absolutely need to keep?"
"Her mixing stuff, her computer, basically everything in her office." Chloe said.
"We'll leave her office alone then. What about you?" Charlie asked. "What do you absolutely need to keep?"
They worked mostly like that for the rest of the night. They sorted into things Beca needed to keep, things Chloe needed to keep, and things to be decided later. They put everything that was Chloe's into boxes and left everything else. Charlie help Chloe write a letter to Beca explaining that she was leaving. Chloe was grateful to have Charlie there. She didn't know if she would have been able to do this on her own. Chloe stared at the boxes stacked in the middle of the room. She couldn't stare at the empty rooms all night.
"Can I stay with you tonight?" Chloe asked. "Just tonight, I'm gonna start apartment hunting tomorrow. I just… I can't stare at these fucking boxes all night."
"Of course. Whatever you need." Charlie said.
The next day Chloe went with Charlie to look at apartments. He showed her some that were near his place and some that were near her school. In the end she picked one near Charlie. She needed him now more than ever. Charlie rented a moving van to move Chloe's things and helped her unpack. Charlie did his best to make Chloe laugh, trying to stop her from retreating into herself. Chloe appreciated his efforts but every time she laughed she remember how Beca used to make her laugh.
It took her a little while to get settled in her new apartment. Unpacking took a couple of days and Chloe had to learn how to sleep in a bed that didn't smell like Beca. She would wake up in the middle of the night and reach across the bed for Beca's pillow then remembered that it wouldn't be there. She would get out two mugs in the morning when she made coffee then remember that she wasn't making Beca coffee anymore. Chloe tried to remove most of the traces of Beca from her life. She needed to in order to keep herself from regretting everything and moving back. She knew she couldn't go back. As time when on she thought about Beca less and less.
She stopped thinking about Beca so much that she forgot that Beca's tour was ending. She was too busy to keep track of what day it was. It wasn't until Beca texted her, telling her she had landed in LA and was on her way home that she remembered. Chloe sat anxiously and waited. An hour after Beca's text Chloe's phone rang. It was Beca. Hesitantly Chloe answered it.
"Beca." Chloe said.
"Chlo," Beca sounded like she was crying. "Chloe, where are you? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please come home and we'll talk about this. Chlo, please, we can work this out."
"Not this time Becs." Chloe said. "We can't fix it."
"Chloe please," Beca begged, "Can you just come home and talk to me? I miss you so much."
Chloe squeezed her eyes shut. "I… I can't. Please just let me go Beca. Don't make this harder than it is."
"But why? What did I do? Was it… did I… just… please Chloe." Beca stammered.
"I'm sorry Beca. Its for the best." Chloe paused. "I will always love you, okay? Remember that. I'm sorry." Chloe hung up.
Chloe took a deep breath. It took everything she had to stop herself from calling Beca back. She loved Beca and Beca loved her but she needed to let her go. She needed to move on.
Chloe ignored all of Beca's calls after that. It killed her to see Beca's name pop up on her phone, knowing that she couldn't answer, that she couldn't go home. She didn't consider her new apartment home. It was empty and quiet, not like what a home should be. Her home was always filled with music, Beca's mixes playing while she cooked, Beca working on music in her office, Beca singing without realizing. Chloe realized her home was always full of Beca, whether she was physically there or not. Chloe needed to create a home without Beca.
Charlie was there. Chloe didn't know how much time Charlie spent at his own apartment, if any. He seemed to know when Chloe needed him. Chloe knew it wasn't a good idea to fill her new apartment with things that reminded her of Charlie, given how hard it was when her whole life was full of Beca. Chloe couldn't help it though. She needed something to hold onto and Charlie was it. He understood. He always understood what she needed.
Chloe didn't want Charlie to be a rebound. She knew her breakup was still fresh and she was still in love with Beca. She knew Charlie was more than someone she used to forget Beca. Chloe didn't know if Charlie knew that. She needed to show him how much he really meant to her. She decided to surprise him.
She set up a romantic dinner for the two of them. Chloe told Charlie that she was preparing dinner for the two of them but wouldn't tell him anymore. She made his favourite meal, put on a nice dress, and lit some candles. Charlie came in when Chloe was taking the food out of the oven. She could hear him taking off his shoes and coat. She smiled with excitement.
"Hey, I'm here." Charlie said.
"I'm in the kitchen." Chloe called. "Come in and see."
Charlie inhaled sharply when he entered the kitchen. Chloe looked at him nervously. She couldn't tell what he was feeling.
"I… wow. What's all this?" Charlie smiled.
"Nothing." Chloe shrugged. "I just wanted to show you how much I appreciated you being here for me through everything. You've been amazing these past weeks and I wanted you to know how grateful I am."
Charlie walked over and hugged Chloe. She rested her head on his chest. She felt him kiss the top of her head softly.
"Thank you, Chloe." Charlie whispered.
"You're welcome." Chloe said. "Now let's eat."
It was a good dinner. Charlie loved the food and Chloe loved the company. Chloe felt happier than she's felt in a long time. The guilt she used to feel was almost gone. Now she felt good, like she might deserve Charlie. Charlie was singing as they did the dishes. Chloe laughed every time he sang off key on purpose. When they finished Charlie leaned against the counter with a soft smile on his face. Chloe couldn't help herself. She leaned over and kissed him. She lost herself in the kiss. A knock at the door brought her back to reality. Chloe giggled as she detached herself from Charlie's arms.
"Its probably just my neighbour, she's been getting my mail in hers since I moved in." Chloe said. "I'll just be a second."
Chloe walked quickly to the door. She seriously needed to call her mailman. She smiled when she heard Charlie humming to himself in the kitchen. The smile fell from her face when she opened the door.
"Beca." Chloe blinked. Beca looked tired. She had dark circles under her eyes and her eyes were red. Chloe thought she looked small.
"Hey, um, can I come in?" Beca asked.
"Um, I don't…" Chloe looked back at her apartment. She didn't want Beca to see it. "I don't think that's a good idea."
"Chlo." Beca whispered. "Please."
Chloe felt her resolve breaking. Silently she stepped aside to let Beca in. Beca looked around the apartment.
"Nice place." Beca said. "When did you move in?"
"A couple weeks ago." Chloe stood by the door as Beca sat on the couch. "Do you want a drink or something?"
"I want you to come home." Beca blurted.
"Becs…"
"I'm sorry." Beca stood up. "I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have come here." Beca started walking toward the door then stopped. She was looking toward the kitchen. Chloe followed her gaze and saw Charlie standing there. Beca looked back at Chloe. Chloe saw the realization in Beca's face.
"Chlo, what's going on?" Beca said. "Who the hell is this guy?"
"Beca, please."
"What the hell Chloe? You couldn't have waited a little while before jumping into some… some asshole's arms?" Beca walked toward Chloe. She stopped in front of Chloe. "Chloe, you know we can make it work. I love you, you know that." Beca was crying. "I know I was a jerk, I got too caught up with work and I pushed you away. I can be better, I can. Please, just give me another chance."
Chloe was crying too. "It wasn't you Becs. It was me."
"No, Chloe, it was me. It was all me." Beca took Chloe's hands. Chloe pulled them back quickly. "Chloe, come on."
"Beca stop!" Chloe snapped. "Stop trying to fix this! I cheated on you! You were never there and I went out and cheated on you. It's my fault so just stop."" Chloe took a shaky breath. She didn't miss the hurt on Beca's face. "Just go Becs." Chloe turned away. She couldn't keep looking at Beca. A sob ripped from her chest.
"Chloe?" Beca said quietly. Chloe shook her head. She covered her face with her hands. Chloe felt arms around her shoulders. She folded into Beca's chest. "Shh." Beca whispered. "Just breathe Chlo, breathe."
"Beca, I-I can't." Chloe said. She started whispering apologizes into Beca's chest.
"I'm here, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." Chloe felt Beca kiss her temple. "I've got you, I've got you."
This made Chloe cry harder. She felt horrible. This was still her Beca, the girl she fell in love with, the girl who would do anything for her. This was the girl who would never do anything to hurt her, who was so scared of losing Chloe and becoming just like her parents. This was her Beca, and it was all her fault.