Disclaimer: I don't own anything. The song is Kelly Clarkson's Addicted.

All I Ever Wanted

Prologue

Jude walked into the rehearsal space, happy to find herself alone. The flight back from Asia had been long and her emotional upheaval hadn't helped matters. As she put her bags down on the floor and sauntered over to sit on the couch, she wondered how things could go wrong so quickly. A month ago she had felt so positive about the future – she picked Tommy and was on her way to Asia with him, so confident that they were finally going to get their chance to build a relationship. She couldn't believe that only a month later she would find herself back in Canada, her heart broken in a million pieces, and with a promise to herself never to let Tommy Quincy back into her life or her heart again.

Chapter 1:

Jude woke up slowly, her eyelids opening to an unfamiliar sight. The last month she had gotten used to the heat of Thailand and the various places that Tommy had found for them to stay there. She looked around, her mind finally registering the details of her reality – she was at the rehearsal space and her neck had a major crick in it from sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa. She sat up slowly, trying to rub out the pain from her neck. It dissipated slightly, but did not disappear. "Great," she murmured to herself, "another thing I'll have to deal with."

As she glanced around her, she realized that at least this place had not changed. She felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and relief in that. Enough of her life was in shambles, she was glad she could still find solace here. She felt like hiding here forever. No one even knew she was back yet. She hadn't told anyone that she was coming back; in fact, she really didn't know herself until hours before she left. And now that she was back, coming face to face with anyone meant explaining why she was back, or more specifically why she was back alone. And she couldn't go there yet, even in her own mind. She hadn't had time to process it yet. She needed time to think, time to mourn the short-lived, but passionate, relationship she shared with Tommy for the month they were in Thailand.

She heard her phone ring in her purse and walked over and pulled it out. "Tommy Quincy." she said to herself as she looked at the call display, "Not a chance in hell." She turned off the ringer and shoved the phone back in her purse.

She sat back on the couch, Tommy invading her thoughts regardless of how hard she tried to push him out of her mind. One specific memory kept replaying itself, the moment when she told Tommy she was going to Asia with him. She closed her eyes, envisioning the exact scene, savouring every moment. Tommy had smiled, wider than she had ever seen. Then he had grabbed her close, kissing her breathlessly. When he broke the kiss, he kept her body enclosed in his arms, and whispered in her ear, "I love you, Jude Harrison." The pain hit her swiftly and relentlessly, and she forced her eyes open, banishing the memory from her brain. She knew she couldn't keep doing this to herself. She had to find a way to let Tommy go for good. How she was going to do that, she had no idea. Every time she closed her eyes or had a minute of silence, she thought of him. Hell, she even dreamt about him. Even last night, when she was beyond furious at him, her dreams had been filled with Tommy. This made the thought of living without him almost unbearable.

Even the thought of living without Tommy caused her breath to come quicker and quicker until she realized she was hyperventilating. She leaned her head down between her knees, trying to catch her breath. The pain hit her sharply, and she buried her head in her hands, the tears beginning to pour from her eyes. This was going to be a lot harder than she had hoped it would be. It was one thing to say she never wanted to see Tommy again – it was a totally different thing to put those words into practice. But she had to, for her own sense of self-preservation.

She allowed herself to cry, the sobs rocking her body for many minutes. She knew she had to let them out; things had been since a whirlwind the last day or so that she hadn't allowed herself to cry since she left Thailand. These tears were first that she cried over Tommy and she wanted to get them all out, make sure they were her last.

As her eyes began to dry and her body began to stop shaking, she was startled by someone opening the door to the rehearsal space.

"Jude?! What are you doing here?" It was Jamie. Pretty much the last person she wanted to see right now. Jamie hadn't changed much in a month, his hair was a bit longer and he looked extremely tired, probably from all the work starting his new label, but other than that he was just Jamie. The guy who had been her best friend since childhood, the one who had wanted more from her than she could ever give him.

As she tried to muster a response, Jamie walked over to stand in front of her.

"I'm…I'm back." She stated simply. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for Spiederman. SME are recording for my new label. But that's not important. What's going on, Jude?" He sat down next to her on the couch, putting a supportive hand on her back.

"I told you. I'm back. But I don't want to talk about me," she said, attempting to change the subject. "How is everything going with the label?"

Despite his attempt to try and find out what was happening with Jude, her mention of the label successfully distracted him. His face broke out into a smile, "It's good, Jude. I'm really happy. Things are going well. And you know there's always room for Jude Harrison, producer and recording artist, right?"

Jude shot Jamie a small smile, "Thanks. I think I'll definitely take you up on that."

"Jude, about before… you know… when you left with Tommy instead of staying with me…"

"Jamie-" Jude started, only to be interrupted by Jamie.

"No wait, I need to get this out. Honestly, Jude, the truth is I should have known. I mean I've seen you and Tommy since you were 15 and I think I've known since then that he's the only man in your heart. I was just deluding myself to think that I could take his spot. I had a while to think about it while you were gone and I realized that if you had stayed, we would have eventually made each other miserable. You would have always wanted Tommy and I would have always wanted you to want just me. What I'm clumsily trying to get around to is that your friendship is way too important to me to throw away over what happened."

Jude smiled, glad that at least she had Jamie's friendship again. She had never wanted to hurt him, but she couldn't reciprocate feelings that simply weren't there for her. And she was so relieved that he understood that. "Thanks Jamie. I never want to lose you as my friend." She reached over and hugged him.

As he released her, he pulled back, looking into her eyes. "Now, Jude. Do you want to tell me what the heck happened with you and Tommy? Or is Tommy back too?" Jamie asked, looking around for him.

"No, Tommy's not here. But I can't talk now," Jude said, getting up and pretending to look at her watch. "I have to go meet Sadie. We'll talk later, okay?"

"Okay." Jamie said, clearly unconvinced by her explanation. "Oh, wait," he said, stopping her as she began to gather her things, "the new label, we took over the G-Major space. Turns out because of their financial issues we were able to get the space for a good deal. And we were able to buy a lot of their equipment. So, anyway, you'll know where I'll be if you want to come by later and check it out."

"Sounds great," Jude said, then she continued gathering her bags and she rushed out the door before she had to say anything else.

As the cab stopped in front of her house, Jude stepped out slowly, dreading the meeting she was able to have. Having to face her dad and Sadie was going to be the worst. She could brush everyone else off but she would have to explain everything to them eventually. She paid the cab driver, got her bags out of the trunk and then just stood, staring at her front door. She took a deep breath before stepping forward towards her house. As she unlocked the door and stepped inside, she looked around quickly and didn't see anyone. Then suddenly, Sadie bounded down the stairs, almost falling down the last few at the shock of seeing Jude standing before her.

"Jude?! You're home?"

"Hey Sadie, yes, I'm home. Where's Dad?" Jude said, carrying her bags towards the stairs to take them upstairs. Sadie blocked her way.

"Dad's not home. He's gone away for a couple of days with a friend." Sadie refused to be distracted. "What happened? Where's Tommy?"

Jude looked up at her sister, and Sadie immediately saw the suffering in her eyes. "What did Tommy do?"

"Look, Sadie, I know you want to help, but right now I just want to go upstairs and sleep my life away, okay?" Jude tried to push past her sister to climb the stairs. At first Sadie resisted, and then she moved slightly to allow Jude to pass. Jude breathed a sigh of relief, but then heard her sister following her up the stairs.

Jude walked into her room, dropping her bags inside the door. She dragged herself to her bed and flopped down on it, closing her eyes. Then she felt the bed sink down beside her.

"Jude, I'm here. Whenever you need to talk about whatever happened, I'm here." Sadie said, reaching her hand down and linking her it with Jude's.

Jude felt the tears welling in her eyes, but she couldn't stop them from spilling out. Sadie gathered her sister in her arms, rubbing Jude's back. "Let it out, Jude," she said. Sadie thought she could hear her own heart breaking as she felt the sobs rack Jude's body. She was going to kill Tom Quincy.

"I think he finally broke me," Jude whispered through her tears.

Eventually Sadie felt Jude's body relax and heard her breathing normalize. She glanced down and saw her sister sleeping peacefully. She extricated herself from Jude's grip and lifted herself off the bed to grab a quilt to cover Jude with. As she watched her sister sleeping, she wondered silently what Tommy had done this time, and hoped that maybe finally her sister could find some peace without him.

Hours later, Jude struggled to pull herself out of a nightmare. She was running, running quickly to get away from someone. She couldn't see his face, but she could feel his approach. No matter how hard she ran, she couldn't escape him. Just before she managed to jerk herself free of the nightmare, the man caught up with her, grabbing a hold of her waist with both of his hands. Then out of nowhere, they were standing on top of a cliff and the man was pulling her down with him, down into a dark abyss. The last thing she saw before she woke up was the man's face as they were falling. Unsurprisingly, the man was Tommy Quincy.

Her body jolted up, and she immediately felt the cold sweat that had developed on her body. Then she felt the nausea start to rise from her stomach. She turned to sit on the side of her bed, and breathed deeply, hoping to stave off the queasiness. When she finally felt the sickness pass, she stood up and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked scary. Her hair was a mess, her skin was ghastly pale and her eyes held a sadness which she feared might be permanent.

"I've got to get out of here, get my mind off of him," she said to herself. She grabbed some fresh clothes from her closet, and then headed to the bathroom to shower, hoping to wash away the pain that had settled in her heart.

Twenty minutes later, she headed down the stairs. She was going to start over. It was really the only choice she had. She looked up as Sadie emerged from the living room.

"How are you?"

"I'm managing," Jude said, shooting her sister a small smile. "I'm not ready to talk about it yet, Sadie, but when I am I'll come to you, okay? But for now, I'm going to get started on the rest of my life. I talked to Jamie this morning and his offer for me to work at his new label still stands. And right now the only thing I want to do is bury myself in my music. I'm going to head over to the studio now and check things out."

"Okay. Call me if you need anything, okay?" Sadie said, and she moved forward to give Jude a sisterly hug. Jude hugged her back tightly, grateful to have such a wonderful sister.

"Okay. And when I get back I want to hear all about Mexico, okay?" Jude smiled, then grabbed her purse and soared out the door.

As Jude walked around the building that used to be G-Major Records, she was surprised at all the changes Jamie and Paegan had made. The place looked great, really classy and elegant but still young and hip. As she was looking around, Jamie came out from one of the offices, looking at some paperwork. He stopped in his tracks when he noticed her.

"Hey Jude," he said, clearly surprised to see her. He looked at his watched. "It's 10:30. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I just wanted to come and tell you I'm going to take you up on your offer. I need to reinvent myself and my music. Right now, I need to work on my music more than anything. Is it okay if I use one of the studios right now?"

"Sure," he said smiling. "I'm glad you're here. Pick any of the studios you want. I'll just be in my office if you need me. It's Tom-" he began, then stopped himself.

"It's okay. You can say his name. You took Tommy's old office. Well, I'll know where to find you then." She smiled weakly at him, then sauntered off towards Studio A.

She sat down at the familiar microphone, memories of all the songs she and Tommy had recorded there flooding her mind. She shook her head, trying to clear her mind, and then she took out a piece of paper, a song she had written on the plane on the way home. Not that she needed the paper. She already knew the words by heart.

She closed her eyes and began singing, pouring her pain into the words she sang.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time


And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around


It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me


I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this


I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it


It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

As she finished, she sat with her eyes still closed, completely drained of all energy and oblivious to the tears that had fallen while she sang. "I will break myself of you, Tom Quincy," she whispered to herself, praying she'd have the strength to actually do it.