Still Water.
For Teal'c, love has always meant having someone to push against, someone who would stand up to him and anger him and inflame him. Drey'auc was possessed of a fiery temper and even greater passion for him, and for their son, and she had never once hesitated in making her opinions clear to him, at the top of her lungs if necessary.
Sho'nac had always been quieter of voice, though not of spirit. In her way she was as stubborn as anyone he'd ever met, and it was her determination that swayed him to a new purpose, the leadership and enlightenment of his native people on Chulak.
Her death was a great blow, denial of vengeance even more so, and he was at a loss as to what to do next. For so long he had believed that his true place was here on Earth, among the people of the Tau'ri, but now his faith was shaken. Perhaps he should have heeded Sho'nac's advice even in death, and gone to Chulak to aid Bra'tac. Perhaps SG-1 was not the place for him, after all.
A soft knock on his door interrupted his musings. "Enter," Teal'c said, and inclined his head in greeting when Daniel Jackson entered the room and shut the door behind him. "Daniel Jackson. What brings you here?"
"I hope I'm not interrupting," Daniel Jackson said, glancing at Teal'c's seated position and the candles that surrounded him.
"You are not."
That seemed to please him. "Do you mind if I join you?"
"I do not." Daniel Jackson smiled at him absently and came further into his room, stepping carefully around the candles and settling into a loose-limbed cross-legged position on the floor in front of him. "Do you wish to attempt kelnorim, Daniel Jackson?"
"If you don't mind," he replied. Reflected candlelight danced on the lenses of his glasses, making it seem as if his eyes glowed with fire.
"You will not be able to achieve the deep state of which I am capable," Teal'c warned. Daniel Jackson just shrugged, a little smile curving his mouth.
"That's alright. I've always enjoyed meditation, in any of its many forms." He rested his open hands palm-down on his knees. "I'll try not to disturb you."
"As you wish." Teal'c closed his eyes and once again attempted to reach the desired state of kelnorim.
He could not. His thoughts would not settle enough for him to truly concentrate, and Daniel Jackson's presence was a distraction that he could not truly ignore.
Surrendering to his own scattered mind, Teal'c opened his eyes and studied the man across from him. Daniel Jackson had his own eyes closed; his chest rose and fell slowly and steadily in the pattern of his meditation. He did not seem to have the same trouble of focus that Teal'c did, and Teal'c found that he could not be sorry, for it gave him the opportunity to study his teammate as he so rarely did.
Daniel Jackson was very different from any other that Teal'c had ever fought beside. Just as all of Teal'c's lovers were possessed of fiery temperaments, all of his companions were men of battle. On Chulak it had been the way of things, even before he had attained the status of First Prime, and here among the Tau'ri, his compatriots were, by necessity and by choice, great warriors of their people. Even Major Carter, a scientist of great skill and intelligence, was first and foremost a soldier. It was the way of things.
Daniel Jackson was the exception to this rule. He was a scholar and a diplomat, a man immersed in the past rather than the immediacy of battle. And yet over time he had grown to be a formidable force in the field, despite the apparent handicap of his peaceful nature.
Circumstances had bound Teal'c to this man, not against his will, but also not entirely true to his wishes. Teal'c's first loyalty was to Earth, to General Hammond and the SGC, and most especially to his brother O'Neill, but sometime between joining the Tau'ri forces and this moment, he had become friends with Daniel Jackson without his conscious knowledge.
He had not been displeased to see Daniel Jackson at his door this night, not displeased at all. The realization was somewhat startling.
Daniel Jackson looked different here than he did outside of the darkened confines of Teal'c's quarters. He wore the same glasses and the same wrinkled uniform, but here he also wore an air of peace that was sorely lacking in most of his interactions. The candlelight picked out strands of red in his hair, darker now than it was before it had been cropped in a manner more fitting for the soldier Daniel Jackson had become; its reflected glow brought a golden flush to his skin. The forgiving shadows painted away the lines that stress and smiles in equal measure had brought to his face, carved into the corners of eyes and mouth over years of triumph and pain. The faces of Jaffa soldiers did not often carry the same range of expressions as did the Tau'ri, and therefore did not receive the same lines over time, but that did not mean Teal'c did not understand them. Lines such as these were a mark of a life well-lived, and that was a thing of great admiration in a man like Daniel Jackson.
Here, at this moment, Daniel Jackson was beautiful. This was not the first time that Teal'c had made this observation, and it would not be the last, but at this time it seemed almost profound. Daniel Jackson was just a man, not a priest or a mystic, but his calm beauty at this moment rendered him almost holy.
"I thought about leaving the SGC, you know."
Teal'c glanced up at Daniel Jackson's face, startled, but his eyes had not opened. He still appeared to be in a state of deep meditation, though his words proved him awake and aware.
"I was aware you had once considered it," Teal'c replied. The memory was not a pleasant one, even now, knowing he had been granted forgiveness. He had been most grateful when Daniel Jackson had made the decision to return.
"I'm not talking about after Sha're's death," Daniel Jackson said. He opened his eyes and smiled slightly, though he did not shift position. "I was talking about recently, just a few short weeks ago."
This was certainly news to Teal'c. "I was not aware that you had considered such a thing," he said, careful to hide how perturbed the idea caused him to be. "If I may ask, what prompted you towards such a decision?"
He shrugged. "A combination of things," he said. "Sha're was gone, and I'd fulfilled my promise to Sha're in making sure that her son was safe. I'd fulfilled what I'd set out to do when I joined the SGC."
"There is still a great deal of work for you left to do, Daniel Jackson."
"I know that now," Daniel Jackson said, "but it was hard to think that way then. I'd just gotten by appendix out, you remember, and I was stuck waiting at home while you three went off to save the world again." He smiled a little ruefully. "I guess I never realized how expendable I was until you three came home from an adventure and hadn't needed me at all."
"That is not true," Teal'c said, perturbed once again. "You are greatly needed."
"Again, I get that now. But at the time… Well, it's hard to sit on the sidelines, you know?"
"I do," Teal'c said. Silence fell for a moment, and then he asked, "What caused you to change your mind?"
"Well, we got these nifty armbands, and we all went a little nuts, and then I got stuck, helpless, on a heavily guarded Goa'uld attack vessel," Daniel said. "And a very good friend saved my life, one who had been waiting on the sidelines because he couldn't be a part of that adventure." He smiled sweetly at Teal'c. "I never thanked you for that, by the way. Or apologized, for the way we excluded you. I of all people should have known better."
Teal'c paused for a moment, to ensure that he could in fact speak well enough to make his reply. The thought that he was the reason for Daniel Jackson's decision not to leave them was both humbling and a great honor. "There is no need for thanks, Daniel Jackson," he said, gratified that his voice had not betrayed him. "Or for an apology."
"Still," he said. "I wanted to say it anyway."
"Then I thank you," Teal'c said gravely, inclining his head to a degree that he usually reserved for General Hammond and honored guests. "Your words honor me."
"I just wanted you to know," Daniel said, leaning forward urgently. "To understand. That it's normal to doubt, to wonder if you're in the right place. And if you decide not to stay with us, then I'm not going to stop you." He reached out and laid one familiar hand on Teal'c shoulder. Teal'c could feel the calluses on the fingers and palm, earned from tools and pens, against his skin. "But I wanted you to know that no matter what you decide, you will always have a place here. You're not, ah, on the sidelines." He smiled again. "Do you understand?"
"I do, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c said. He dipped his head till his forehead almost, but not quite, touched Daniel Jackson's. "I will certainly take your words under the gravest of considerations."
Daniel Jackson flashed another one of his grins at Teal'c. Teal'c had once heard a young female doctor sighingly describe them as "heart-stopping." It was a fair description, Teal'c thought. He felt slightly short of breath. If he was affected in such a way, then certainly an impressionable young Tau'ri woman would be far more vulnerable.
"There's one other thing, though," Daniel Jackson said slowly, "and I think I'm not going to be stepping over any boundaries here, but if I offend you I'm apologizing in advance-" and kissed him.
Teal'c remained still, unsure of what response Daniel Jackson desired. Daniel Jackson drew back, though not far, and stared intently into Teal'c eyes from a short distance away.
"I just wanted you to know that, too," Daniel Jackson said. "For later. If you want."
Teal'c did want. But as Daniel Jackson drew away, and settled himself back into his meditation position once again, Teal'c understood the true nature of Daniel Jackson's offer. It was at once an infinitely complicated expression of emotion, and the simplest expression of friendship. It was not being alone, in the most fundamental way possible. And, as Daniel Jackson had said, it was for later.
For now, Teal'c nodded once, slowly, and closed his eyes again. Silence settled in the room as Daniel Jackson resumed his meditation and Teal'c once again strived to attain a state of kelnorim.
And, for the first time since Sho'nac's death, Teal'c found his peace once again. In this state, his decision seemed simple.
He would stay.