Author's Note: I know, I know...I should be working on the next chapter of ReEragon. But since I have writer's block...I present this to you! It's basically Durza trying to hire minions from various other fandoms, so it's like a massive crossover, I guess. Kinda.

Krunk is my very own character, named after a PC from my D&D game. He's just a bit of a caricature of typical 'evil minions' from fantasy. Enjoy!

Prologue

Galbatorix sat on his throne, frowning. Durza had just delivered a report of the latest failure to catch Eragon. The Ra'zac had failed, Durza had failed, Urgals had failed…now what was he supposed to do?

"Durza, what am I supposed to do?"

Durza sighed. Why was it always his job to figure out what they should be doing? He wasn't the one with a bizarre vendetta against dragon riders. He wasn't the one who ruled an empire that was mostly desert. He wasn't the one who was supposed to think of these things!

"All of my minions have failed! I just don't understand it!"

Durza coughed politely. "My Lord, I did tell you that our hiring standards have been severely lowered recently…"

Galbatorix shifted positions, trying to get comfortable. When he found out what moron had commissioned a dragon-shaped throne, they would regret it. "What are our hiring standards right now?"

Durza began ticking them off on his fingers. "Basic understanding of speech, at least one functioning eye, ability to tie shoes and button a coat. That's our test for hiring, actually—we tell the minion to put on boots and a coat and see if he can do it."

Galbatorix buried his face in his hands. "I need better minions." Then he sat straight up, a gleam in his eye. "Wait—that's it! Durza, put out a want ad…and hire me some better minions!"

Durza sighed again. It was going to be a long, long day…

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Krunk!" Durza called. "Krunk, where are you?"

"Here I am," said the Urgal, shuffling forward. He was surprisingly clean and articulate for an Urgal, and he clutched a large sheaf of papers in his hands. When he saw Durza, he tried to hide the papers behind his back.

"Krunk…were you writing epic poetry again?"

Krunk shuffled his feet. "It was just for a minute," he mumbled, staring at the floor.

"What have I told you about this? This is exactly why the other Urgals won't work with you! Epic poetry is just not a suitable hobby for a villainous monster! Have you no shame?"

Krunk sniffed. "I know, Sir, I know…I try so hard to be evil and crude and violent, but, well, it's just very difficult, and I had a new idea for a poem, so…"

Durza rubbed his temples. Krunk was an excellent assistant—Durza hadn't done a single piece of paperwork since finding him—but he could be a little irritating sometimes. Well, a lot irritating. All of the time.

"Whatever. I need you to draft a want ad for the paper. The King wants me to do job interviews for some new minions."

Krunk's eyes lit up. "A want ad!? Oh, I can see it now, a sonnet with a rhyme scheme based on 'minion', perhaps some nice art around the border—"

"Krunk."

"…sorry, Sir. I'll get right on it."

Krunk hurried off to draft the want ad. Durza only hoped he wouldn't put it in iambic pentameter this time. Status reports were so much harder to read that way. Shrugging, the Shade went off down a different corridor. He had someone else to talk to before he was ready to begin.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Arya sat in the corner of her cell, glaring at any passerby. She heard footsteps coming down the corridor and took a deep breath, steeling herself.

"I'll never tell you any of the Varden's secrets, never I say! I don't care what you do to me, I won't betray my people! You can whip me or starve me or try to probe my mind or—"

"Take a breath before you pass out and listen to me," Durza said, rolling his eyes. He had given up on interrogating the elf. They weren't getting information from her, and he was sick of being temporarily deafened by Arya's rants about how evil they all were.

"What do you want?" Arya said.

Durza dug in his pocket for a moment, searching for the key to her cell. Yo-yo, half a chocolate bar, a handful of paperclips, lint, rubber bands, more lint—ah! so this was where he'd left his skate key!—and there it was at last, the cell key. He unlocked Arya's cell and gestured for her to leave.

"What's going on?" Arya said, taking a step away from the cell door.

"I'm not going to torture you! I…need your help."

Arya just stared at him.

"With job interviews."

More staring.

"For evil minions."

"Why would I help you interview evil minions? I'm one of the Good Guys!"

"That's exactly the reason," Durza said. "You can't be sure how evil a minion is until they're actually faced with a Good Guy."

"Why should I help you?"
Durza frowned, momentarily stymied. Then he had an idea. "I'll give you chocolate."

Arya sprang forward at once. "It's a deal!"

Durza shook his head as they proceeded off up the corridor. The old chocolate maneuver worked every time.