Title: Protect And Survive
Author: MagicalDuck
Pairing: CrawfordxSchuldig
Rating: M (or R ...)
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the WK show. Project Weiß does. Don't sue me, etc.
Ready to suspend disbelief for a moment, to follow me on a magical journey involving bloodshed, tears, love, lust and all the other good things? Even if you aren't - it's not like you have a choice or will have even the faintest memory of what I'm about to reveal to you once I'm done with confessing my sins like you were the priest who has denied me the sweet bliss of absolution for all my life.
I start to sound like a man I've always been fond of - fond and scared; isn't it funny how those two can hold hands like any loving couple should and will when they have a chance to? Not that I'd know first hand, but you get the general picture.
Two months ago I was happy - or at least okay. Or as okay as a telepathic German living in an Asian country with a whacky team of outcasts to support him can be. They say that every journey starts with a small step, but no one ever said the location where this step is taken plays a role so this point is as good as any.
Blinking, I slowly began to focus on being awake and perceiving the world in shades of crimson - a fact that would have bothered me if it wasn't what I usually woke up to. I pushed back my unruly hair, hoping it'd stay where it was long enough for me to light a cigarette safely without having to worry to set fire to myself. Fumbling for my pack of cigarettes and lighter, I noticed that I wasn't at home and that my morning survival kit wasn't waiting for me on the nighstand like a loving wife.
I looked beside myself to find that I was with a man I'd never seen before - a man whose bare ass was facing me right now, making me grimace involuntarily. Sure that he'd probably looked better the other night, I overcame my disgust and stumbled to my feet. Mornings just weren't my strength.
I found my clothing in a heap near the bed, mingled with the ugly stranger's pants and boxers; if the man had ever bothered to put on a shirt to go man-hunting the previous night, I did not know where it was and I didn't care either.
Doing my best to retreat quietly, I reached the door -and the place where I'd left my shoes- without any accidents, which I was prone to in my usual morning stupor, and slipped into them as quickly as I could. I made my way downstairs and out of the apartment building unseen, which I was thankful for; I wasn't sure how well I could have handled using my powers on people right now and I certainly did not want to be seen leaving this man's apartment.
I was shocked.
Sure, I had never believed in a monogamous life style or anything, but to sink I this /I low, to be fucking someone I wasn't even physically attracted to was a bad sign, even for a constantly horny telepath like myself. It made me wonder about too many things I wanted to forget rather now than tomorrow, but the thoughts clung to me like a second skin. I'd heard a lot of terms for how I was acting, terms to label my unruly personality that matched my hair so perfectly, but I didn't like the ring to 'promiscuous'.
Why not just call me a whore?
Trying to evade these thoughts, I had to let go of the shield that was constantly embracing me, protecting me from the insanity of the world outside of my own head. Well, on a second thought, maybe it wasn't much better I inside /I .
Over time I had managed to keep the shield up even in my sleep, which was why I hadn't been bothered by my gift this morning, but now that I was fighting an internal battle, one with myself, one that I couldn't win, my defenses broke down like cardboard houses, leaving me naked and vulnerable to the onslaught of voices around me; the thoughts of people having breakfast, going to work, having sex, fighting, making it up to one another ...
Cringing, I forced myself to focus as I stood there in front of the apartment building.
I was about to lose control over the situation, which sucked.
I needed nicotine and I needed it now. I reached for my pockets only to find that I had no money left nor any cigarettes to console myself with. That was where my gift came in handy, that was why I loved being what I was; I always got what I needed. Or wanted. Not that these two were always inseparable.
I reached out with my thoughts, searching for someone 'willing' to share their nicotine and found what I was looking for in a matter of seconds. A bunch of highschool students were sharing a secret smoke on their way to school. I beckoned them over to where I was standing, bringing them to make a detour to cater to my needs.
Five minutes later I was on my way back to the apartment I shared with the rest of Schwarz, a cigarette hanging from my lips. The ugly guy's place wasn't too far from my destination – a fact I was deeply grateful for. I doubted I could walk very far in my current state, which made me wonder just how much alcohol I had consumed the previous night. Or if it'd been alcohol at all.
I rarely got the chance to go clubbing due to the team's busy schedule and when I did I found it hard to restrain myself. Alcohol made swallowing pills so much easier and who was I to resist something that went so smoothly, something that felt so right even if reason told me it wasn't?
Or maybe it was just my way of dealing with an increasingly crazy life style.
"Your favourite telepath's home!"
No reply.
But I hadn't really expected anyone to come rushing and welcome me back so I wasn't disappointed. I padded down the hallway to where the kitchen was; now that my hunger for nicotine was satisfied, I felt like eating something real. With that I mean bread. I'll never get used to the Japanese custom of eating something like fish for breakfast.
At the kitchen table our leader, Crawford, was sitting, sipping his Earl Grey. I don't think I've ever seen him drink coffee or anything other than this particular brand of tea, which he imported from India.
When I entered the room he looked up. "Had fun?"
I was pretty sure that he did not approve of my clubbing, however infrequent it was. His tone of voice wasn't exactly unfriendly, but not overjoyed at my arrival either. He could be a complicated man if he wanted to and he happened to be immune to my attempts of reading his mind, which, to be completely honest, pisses me off to no end.
"Why yes, I did," I murmured, opening the fridge to get some butter.
I got a little bread from the cupboard and began to stretch the butter over it, standing. Brad didn't like me standing while I was eating, claiming it distracted him from whatever he was doing. He probably just doesn't like other people being taller than him, even if it's only momentarily.
He cleared his throat and got up. "You look like shit, Schuldig."
Normally I loved the soft lilt to his voice when he pronounced my name, but this time his statement was too distracting for me to enjoy it. "Thank you, Mr Universe," I snapped, stuffing more of my makeshift sandwich into my mouth.
"You should be careful with that pout of yours," Brad replied and left the room, probably to go about some business I wasn't needed for or that wasn't team-related.
His last words bothered me for a reason I couldn't quite put a finger on, but decided to ignore it for now. I needed a shower and then my bed. It was eight in the morning, but I knew I'd keel over before noon if I didn't get my seven hours of beauty sleep.
I didn't meet any of my team mates on my way to the bathroom; Nagi was in school by this time while Farfarello was out on a mission of his own. I didn't know what kind of mission that was and hadn't bothered to ask either the previous night.
I undressed quickly, tossing the sweaty shirt and pants in the laundry basket, hoping that it wasn't my turn to wash this week. I then stepped into the shower, turning on the warm water to wash away the remains of last night. Cringing, I noticed that I hadn't bothered to use any sort of protection with the ugly guy, which was another first one for me. I did take care of my body usually and if only because I was a vain bastard. I didn't make these mistakes, I just didn't!
It bothered me, but there was nothing I could do about it now; what's done is done and fretting wouldn't help me turn back time.
I scrubbed my skin until it hurt and was raw and tender in some places I really didn't want to think about right now. I barely noticed that the water had turned cold by then and simply proceeded with my usual drying off and putting on cream ritual.
My fingers were all wrinkly from having spent too much time under the shower so I cut the cream part short and went straight for my bedroom.
I was asleep before my head ever hit the pillow.
When I woke up after a couple of hours I instantly knew something was wrong. The silk sheets clung to my chest like a second skin and I was out of breath like I'd been running for miles. I instantly knew what was wrong.
If you've never experienced what it feels like to be overwhelmed by the voices of thousands of others to the point where your own mind gets pushed aside like it has no right to be, you can't possibly understand what happened in that moment.
Something had caused my shields to break down during my sleep and that was why I was awake after only two hours of sleep. Thoughts, emotions ... anything from shopping lists to death wishes came crushing down on me, almost erasing my own mind in the process.
Pressing my hands to my head, I made sure that I was aware of my body, of the small bump at the side of my head that has been there for as long as I can remember. Feeling that I was still me, that they hadn't drowned my voice yet, helped me focus long enough to think.
I didn't understand why my shield was broken, how it was possible for something so carefully woven to suddenly vanish, but it had happened for one reason or the other, leaving me helpless.
I knew that I wouldn't be able to fix this on my own, not when I was in this state. I hated asking for help, but it was the only way for me, the only chance I had to set this right before I either went insane or my head exploded.
I'd never felt this vulnerable since my childhood and adolescence where I had depended on my instructor to help me out of situations like this. Back at Rosenkreuz ...
I stumbled out of bed and to the door; I felt dizzy and was only vaguely aware of my surroundings, but somehow I managed to open the door before I broke down.
"I ..."
I couldn't speak and so I never managed to get past this word, but as soon as I uttered this the door to Nagi's room opened and the boy joined me in the hallway, his eyes wide in concern.
As a team we were closer to each other than most people and he must have sensed my distress.
"Schuldig? What's wrong?" He knelt down beside me, putting one of his slender hands on my shoulder.
I couldn't bring myself to speak, but I somehow managed to gather enough strength to send him a clear thought. I was scared by then and I was sure it reflected in what I sent him, but I wasn't even ashamed of it. //Get Brad. Now.//
Nagi was the most powerful telekinetic in the history of history, but his telepathic and empathic abilities were limited; the kid simply couldn't help me with something as difficult as this.
He rose, obviously on his way to get Crawford, but in that moment the front door opened and our leader rushed in, looking not in the least bit surprised – he probably wasn't. That was the good thing about being clairvoyant, I suppose. Nothing surprises you, nothing can hurt you if you play your cards right. I didn't have this advantage, unfortunately.
He too knelt at my side, pulling my head onto his lap. "Schuldig," he said firmly. "Listen to me. Listen to my voice."
I knew that he didn't mean his physical voice and that he'd only asked me to in this way to catch my attention. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to listen to him and him only once we were working on my shields.
//Are you ready?//
His voice in mental speech was so much softer than the other voices that were plagueing me, like water after a long, hot day at the beach; I just I had /I to listen to him, focus on that wonderful voice.
//I'm okay.// I replied after a while, concentrating as well as I could.
The idea behind this technique is to let someone else weave the net for you while you're too weak to do it yourself; to accomplish this I had to let Crawford take over for a while, had to trust him with my mind, the most precious thing I could think of. It wasn't like I had much of a choice, though.
Normally you had to relax and submit to someone in order for this to work, but I was vulnerable and open to any outside forces anyway, so I simply gave up on my desperate struggle to push the other voices out of my head, making it even easier for him to enter my mind.
//Does it hurt?// he asked gently.
I felt him brush against the outer edge of my consciousness, stroking me almost tenderly as he proceeded. My very first instructor hadn't been this tender; he'd coerced me into submission with no regard for my fragile soul. It was rape in a way, only more intimate.
Brad's intrusion was still just that, but it was gentle and I good /I - it was what I needed at the time. I needed someone to help me out of misery and he did this for me without asking me questions first.
//No, I'm fine// I managed to reply before he swept me away.
Slowly, slowly he slid into me, forming a bond between us that would tie us together until I'd managed to build up my own shield. I felt him step in front of me, fending off any outer influences in my place. I regained some power over my physical body and snuggled closer to him, the source of my comfort. He wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer.
I'd never been this intimately close to him before this. Sure, in a team you got to share all sorts of things, but not this tender, almost loving embrace he gave me.
Mirroring his actions mentally, he embraced me tenderly, keeping me from any harm the voices in my head might do to me. Not that there was much left that could be hurt, but it felt so incredibly good that I released a series of soft mewls and whimpers.
The rest of the world slowly faded out until the voices were down to barely a whisper. This I could handle. This was what life as a telepath was like; ever since my early childhood I'd been hearing other people speak in my head. At first I hadn't thought much of it, but the older I got, the more I was in touch with my consciousness, the worse it got.
At Rosenkreuz I'd learned to deal with these things.
Slowly I opened my eyes to find Brad staring down at me; he was still holding me in his arms, stroking my hair. I wasn't sure why he was still keeping it up now that I was back to safe, but it felt nice.
I almost mourned the loss of his mind penetrating mine, but the physical contact was enough to keep me happy – at least for a while.
"Are you okay?" I heard a voice that definitely didn't belong to Brad speak up and realised that Nagi was here as well.
"As good as new, kiddo," I replied, smirking.
"Phhh." I felt him get up and pad back over to his own room, closing the door behind him with his powers.
"Why did this happen?" Crawford asked, letting go of me. He was back to his old business man self, but now that I knew what he could be like I didn't mind.
"I have no idea," I admitted reluctantly. "I was okay when I went to bed this morning."
He sneered at the comment and pulled me to my feet; cuddling time was over it seemed. He held my arm for a little while longer to make sure that I was able to stand on my own, then finally let go.
His expression was unreadable and I still had no access to his mind or ... I actually did catch some of his thoughts this time, or rather his emotions. He was still able to keep me out of his head, but his heart was open to me, metaphorically speaking. I have seen hearts, and trust me, they're not like the cute pink things Hello Kitty likes to play with.
I caught a wave of worry, mixed with relief from him, which made me feel oddly happy and I leaned in to hug him briefly.
"Thank you," I whispered.
He stiffened noticeable until I gave up on trying to hold him. "I want to know why this happened," he insisted. "Where have you been last night?"
For some reason this question made me blush like a school girl, but I didn't feel like giggling, thankfully. "Fucked a guy," I murmured.
"Was he ...?"
"No, he's not a member of the club," I replied irritably. "Besides, wouldn't SZ have found him and dragged him off to Rosenkreuz if that was the case?"
I hadn't sensed any psychic qualities in ugly guy and he'd been open to me like the legs of Babylon.
Frowning, Crawford raised an eyebrow.
"Babylon?"
"What the ...? Get out of my head!"
"Trust me, I would do that rather now than later, but the bond we've made will last until you're able to shield yourself. You know that as well as I do, Schuldig."
Why was it that lately my name was always combined with something unpleasant, robbing me of the joy of ... wait, he could hear that. Fangirling over his voice wasn't a very bright idea when he could a.) hear you and b.) already had a larger ego than I I /I did.
"So we're stuck together, aren't we?"
"Seems like it," he admitted. "But don't be scared, I can't hear I all of what you're thinking. Only the most interesting bits."
"Oh God ..."
With that the weirdest time of my life began and it would take a damn long time before everything went back to a way I could deal with.