DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fire Emblem, Chrom, or the rest of the characters. They are property of Nintendo. Tomb Raider is property of Square Enix (formerly of Eidos).

This fanfic is rated T for violence, cursing, nudity, gore, and toilet humor. It is not for those under the age of 13.

This is very much AU, so don't get mad, canon purists!

UPDATE: I had to fix up the categories since I accidentally submitted this as a crossover fic when I didn't intend to.

THE ESTATE OF NIBIRU-MUL PRESENTS

CHROM RAIDER

PART I: CHROM'S JOYRIDE

One boiling hot day, in the Nevada desert, Chrom was sliding down a mountain. How did he get to Nevada? Nobody knows. Once all that crap in Ylisse was over, Chrom decided to pursue a new career - globe-trotting in his swimsuit (you know, the sexy aqua green one with the emblem on it).

Suddenly, two vultures started to fly overhead. Normally, vultures wait until you're dead before they gobble you up, but vultures don't like scantily-clad blue-haired men with swords on their back.

"AAAAAAAAAA!" said Chrom. "Killer chickens from the bowels of the underworld!"

Chrom took his Falchion and started to slash them with his sword. It was quite cumbersome, since the birds were flying. Luckily, Chrom has Elwind manage to fire at the dirty birdies. So Chrom fired Elwind at the vultures and knocked them dead. Afterwards, Chrom saw a pile of quicksand and jumped in. He got all dirty, so he climbed out, with his butt crack hanging out. Then he ran over to a bush, saw a rattlesnake sleeping, and stabbed it with his Falchion. He took the guts and started to eat them. Then he saw another rattlesnake and killed it too.

When Chrom saw a narrow canyon, he skipped forward and climbed some walls. After a while, he saw something shiny down in the gap.

"Ooooo, shiny!" said Chrom.

Chrom dropped down, avoiding the barbed wire. He took the Energy Drop and a Concoction when two snakes bit his meaty shins. Chrom killed the snakes. Then he ran to where another snake was and killed it. He covered his feet with snake guts. Then he took the Concoction and healed the poison. Chrom climbed out and made his way to the top of the canyon, where there was a black metal box.

"Damn!" said Chrom. "How am I gonna get in that big ol' box?"

Chrom walked to the right and looked around. Then he saw a military plane fly overhead.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

Chrom jumped across the various gaps, killing two rattlesnakes and finding an Elixir in the process. Then he made his way to the black metal box. Chrom jumped in and fell into the water underneath. He swam forward until he surfaced. Then he saw a canyon with a pool and waterfalls. He saw another demonic vulture rushing at him, so he used Arcfire to roast its ass. He did several crazy jumps across the ledges, howling all the while, eventually reaching a ladder.

"I didn't know giant sand rocks had these built-in ladders."

Chrom climbed up the ladder. After reaching the top, he jumped across and found a rattlesnake. He burned it with Arcfire. He saw two military planes fly overhead and he starting giggling uncontrollably. Then he did another jump in a tricky spot. He backed away, shaking his butt, and dropped a bit, but took hold of the crevice. He traversed to the left. When he could reach, he pulled up. Chrom noticed his butt crack was showing, so he pulled up his shorts. He saw some natural monkey bars.

"Monkey time!"

Chrom traversed the monkey bars, making monkey noises all the way. Then he grabbed the natural ladder and climbed across. He pulled up and took the Energy Drop above. Then he saw a cave full of TNT.

"Hey," said Chrom, "maybe I can make a big explosion and everything will go BOOM!" Chrom tried to use the detonator plunger, but he failed. He needed something else.

Chrom went back outside and did some more risky climbing, finding a Concoction on the way. Eventually, he was behind the waterfall. Several more jumps took him to a big waterwheel. Chrom thought it was so cool, so he gazed at it for 10 minutes. Then he went around back. A man came running out and beat Chrom with his fists.

"HEY!"

"He doesn't like my swimsuit," said Chrom. "Well luckily I've got a weapon!"

Chrom stabbed the man with his Falchion, and then climbed up the ladder on the side of the waterwheel. He followed the empty sluiceway to a dam.

"Damn!"

Two vultures instantly swooped out. Chrom took care of them with his Elwind. He also killed two rattlesnakes. Then he jumped underwater and swam around. He pulled a lever, which opened a trapdoor. He surfaced for air, and afterwards swam through the tunnel and pulled another lever. This opened another trapdoor. Chrom surfaced and saw a switch.

"Ooh. What does this button dp?" He pulled the switch and diverted the flow of water. After pulling the switch, Chrom promptly farted.

To get out, Chrom slid down the dam into the pool and swam to the edge. He made his way back to the wheel through the canyon, picking up a Concoction and an Elixir on the way. He felt a bit injured, so he drank an Elixir. When Chrom went to the elevator behind, he stabbed the man coming at him and took the Energy Drop and the detonator switch. Chrom jumped across the rocks and soon found himself at the TNT cave. Chrom immediately put in the detonator switch.

BOOM!

Chrom laughed maniacally and barely managed to avoid being squished by the boulder coming towards him. Chrom went down in the cave. The ceiling was gone, so he climbed the rocks until reaching the top. When he went forward, he found a huge electric fence, with two buildings and two thugs behind.

"You know what they say," said Chrom, "don't whiz on the electric fence!" Then he saw the thugs and blew a raspberry at them. He then followed the fence to a tunnel. He crawled in and crawled towards the pool. Then he pulled the two levers. He then returned to the fence and went down into the tunnel. He stabbed the evil snakes, but not without getting bitten in the toe. Chrom drank some Concoction while shaking his hips.

Next, Chrom saw that the yellow door was open. He went in and looked at the switch. He smiled and casually pulled it. Then he returned to the tunnel and crawled in. He saw a gap in the ground, so he jumped down.

"Wow!" said Chrom, looking outside. "It's some big elephant thingy!" He was stupidly referring to the water tank.

Two thugs came rushing out, so Chrom used Arcthunder to zap them. He then climbed up the water tank and swam in it to the other opening. He then ran across, jumping over the electric fence and howling like Tarzan. Chrom is nuts.

Chrom looked overhead and saw another military plane. The two thugs he saw earlier saw him. Chrom decided to skip around the place, teasing the guys as he went along.

"Nah-nah-nah-nah-nah! You can't catch me!"

Chrom ran into the shed and saw two more thugs and a quad bike. Chrom smirked evilly and jumped on the bike. He drove around like a maniac, killing the four thugs.

"WEEEEEEE! I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIIIIIIFE!"

Chrom decided to take his annoyingness to the top - he drove on the roof and took the card on it. Despite being a keycard, it was, for some odd reason, as big as a magazine. Chrom then drove the quad bike down. He dismounted, went into the office and stabbed the thug. Chrom saw a pool table and made a mess out of it. He saw a mug of coffee and poured it on the table, and then rubbed all the balls through them. Then he dropped a few of them.

"Oops! Dropped my balls!"

Chrom then played around with the computers. He made several of them have serious viruses and turn all the files into squid. He then used the keycard to open the door. An irate man ran out. Chrom stabbed him and then pulled the switch to turn off the electric fence. Then Chrom went outside. He went to the fence to pull the switch, which opened the gate.

"Now that takes care of that, baby!"

Chrom went back to the quad bike and got on. He popped in a CD that played Stupid Hoe by Nicki Minaj. Then he drove the quad bike out of the gate, turned left, and drove into the tunnel. He saw another fence. He drove over to it, drove up the ramp, and jumped over the fence.

Then, out of nowhere, some weird sound effects started playing. Chrom's quad bike tripped over the fence. It sent him and the bike flying. Chrom was knocked unconscious the moment he landed. The quad bike was right next to him.

Two military police officers walked up to Chrom. They looked angry.

"You crazy geek freak! What kind of stunt is that to pull?" said one of them, hoisting Chrom up. "Let's take him in."

"He don't look much like one of them," said the other one. "Maybe he's an eco-terrorist or something."

"And they wear hot pants, huh?"

The two men held the unconscious Chrom and walked down the streambed.

TO BE CONTINUED

Items used in place of Tomb Raider items:

Energy Drop - Save Crystal

Concoction - Small Medipak

Elixir - Large Medipak