I suck at headlines or summaries so the only thing I want to say about it is, that it's about Amelia and Meredith, some days after the end of 12x09.
I also want to apologize for any mistakes; English is not my native language. I hope you enjoy the fic nevertheless.
Amelia was hiding in the supply closet, breathing heavily. She has been so close… she has been standing in front of that pill cabinet and only made up her mind in the very last second. She has been so close to relapsing again. But she didn't. Eventually, she didn't.
Her heart was racing and she couldn't held herself on her feet. Slowly she sank down on the cold floor. She was trembling all over and breathing heavily.
She almost slipped again, after 50 days of sobriety. It was just that she didn't know why to fight anymore. She was alone, everybody she cared about has left her. It just didn't make sense anymore. She was trying. She was really and honestly trying. But for what? It doesn't give her back Owen and it also doesn't reconcile her with Meredith. Everything was just a mess, so why couldn't she be one, too?
But she didn't. She didn't take the pills. She was standing in a building full of pills everyday and yet she didn't take them. But she was close. Too close, and that scared the crap out of her.
It felt like she couldn't get any air and she was breathing more heavily than before. Why is there no air? Her lungs hurt and she just couldn't breathe.
Amelia heard the door open and steps coming in. She was safe in the very last corner of the room and just tried not to make any noise. But she just couldn't get any air! The steps were coming closer and then she heard a familiar voice:
"Amelia, are you ok? Hey, what is going on?"
Meredith. The last person she wanted to see right now. As soon as she got enough air, she gasped: "I'm okay, just go. I'm fine." She closed her eyes and just wanted her to leave her alone.
"No, you are not." She felt a hand on her shoulder and felt someone sitting beside her: "You are hyperventilating. Just try to breathe more even." A hand was rubbing her back.
"In and out … and in and out …"
But she couldn't. Everything was burning inside her and she just wanted to be alone. Why on earth was Meredith the one to see her like that? Instead of breathing more slowly she could only breathe faster. She started feeling dizzy and just wanted everything to be over. Why wouldn't Meredith just go away and leave her alone?
She heard her say something but didn't really understand the words. Everything was blurry.
Suddenly Amelia felt some arms around her, holding her as tight as possible. She tried to fight it but she couldn't. Meredith's arms were wrapped around her tightly.
"It's okay … just try to breathe with me … okay? It will get better, I promise … There is just too much oxygen in your blood. You know that."
Yes, she knew that. She tried to hold her breath for a while and eventually her breathing got more even. She was still embraced in Meredith's arms and was to tired to fight it.
"Good … very good … It's better, right?" Yes, it was.
"Everything will be fine … Try to breathe in my rhythm, okay?" Her hand was stroking Amelia's back and she tried to adjust to the rhythm.
In … and out … and in … and out …
It worked. She finally felt like she was breathing normally again. Her heart was still beating like hell and she still felt kind of dizzy. "I am trying … I am really trying …" She didn't know why she said this. It was just that she wanted to say something, now that she was finally able to speak again. She just couldn't stand the silence between them.
"I know, Amelia, I know…"
She understood that she didn't mean the breathing. Suddenly Amelia felt something wet on her face and then she realized that she was crying. She was trying so hard and yet she was feeling so weak. As she started sobbing, she once again felt Meredith's arm around her shoulder, stroking her back soothingly.
"Hey … easy …. what's going on? … It's okay, you just had a little panic attack. … Everything will be fine, I promise. … What happened? … Didsomething happen? … What can I do? … Do you want to get me someone for you?"
"No!" That was the only thing Amelia could say between her sobs.
"Okay … then I am just going to stay here with you, okay?"
"You don't need to do that! Why do you even care? Just go and leave me alone; I am sure you have better things to do than dealing with my mess!" Then Amelia started sobbing again.
Meredith sighed, removed her hand from Amelia's back and watched the tiny woman sitting on the floor next to her while she was crying and sobbing.
She had never seen her sister-in-law crying like that. She had almost never seen her crying at all. She had seen her being mad, angry, shouting, but not being in such a desperate state than she was now. She didn't know what caused this but something must have happened.
It was right, she wasn't really fond of Amelia. She does remember her of Derek, every day, and she is indeed not an easy person to be with. But she just couldn't leave her alone like that.
Suddenly she remembered herself as an intern being with Derek in that exact same supply closet after a patient of hers had died.
"You know, I was sitting like you in that supply closet with Derek once."
The name of her brother made Amelia stop sobbing. She hadn't even realized Meredith was still sitting there. She shyly looked at her, interested in what Meredith was going to say about her brother.
"It was after a patient of mine had died. I was an intern and the patient was an old lady that I tried to save before. I brought her back but she had a DNR, which I didn't know. So I stayed with her and watched her dying.
Then I panicked and found myself here, crying and sobbing and gasping for air, and then Derek came in. We weren't even really together at that point but I just was so glad that he was here."
The two women were sitting in silence for a minute. Then Amelia looked at Meredith.
"Yeah … he could do that …" Amelia said with a raspy voice, smiling. "When I was a kid, after our Dad was murdered, I often had nightmares. … I didn't want to bother my mother because she was so devastated. I was only five years old but I just didn't want to bother her. I knew that she was crying when she tought we were asleep and couldn't hear her. … So I went to Derek. He always managed to calm me down and let me sleep in his bed when I was too afraid to be alone."
Amelia's eyes started to fill with tears and she looked away. It just hurt too much. How she wished that he was here now, knocking some sense into her.
Meredith reached out for Amelia's hand and squeezed it. "You know you are not alone, right?"
Amelia sighed. "How would you call that after you kickig me out of your house and Owen kicking me out of his life?!"
Meredith sighed. "I am trying, too, you know? … It's not that I hate you … It's just … It's difficult. … I am really trying, too."
Amelia looked at her with a silent and almost invisible nod.
"And don't held yourself responsible for the attack. If you had been there, maybe he would have attacked both of us. It was not your fault. I know you think that, but it's not. You didn't do that to me - he did, okay?"
Again she nodded silently.
"And the thing with Owen … it was not him telling me what's going on with Riggs, it was his mother. And I feel it is just not my story to tell. I really think he should talk to you about it, but neither I nor you can force him to. … Give him time. There will be one point where he just can't take it anymore. Be here for that. He doesn't want other people to be involved in his own mess. He never did. But eventually there will be this point when he needs someone. Be there for that, okay?"
"Why are you so sure he would want me then? He completely shut me out of his life. Why on earth do you think he would need me of all one day?"
"Because I have seen how he looks at you. When you are in a hospital bed for six weeks, unable to hear and talk, you notice a lot. You especially notice the things people aren't saying. He doesn't hate you, either. On the contrary! … Just give him time, okay? Stay on track … stay sober … be around …"
Amelia winced at the "stay sober" part.
"You can be very proud of you, you know that, right? Not many people get back on track that fast."
Amelia sighed, fighting with herself and eventually looked at Meredith.. "Today could have been day zero again … after 50 days, it was almost day zero again. … I was standing in front of the pill cabinet and was thinking: 'Okay, as you can't have booze anymore, try the pills again!' … I almost did. I was standing in front of that cabinet for half an hour, just staring at it and thinking whether to grab that box of pills or not. I raised my hand several times. I reached out for that box at least five or six times. … But in the end … I didn't take it. … I came here instead."
"Why didn't you take it?"
"Because my problem has always been more the pills than the booze. I knew when I grab that box and take the pills, I wouldn't recover from that. Not now. I managed it two times, but I can't do it a third time. Not now … not here. … So I didn't take it."
Meredith smiled. "That's good, Amelia."
Amelia sighed. "It doesn't feel good."
Meredith put her hand in her coat pocket. "Give me your hand, Amelia."
Amelia reached out her right hand towards Meredith, with a surprising and confused look.
Then Meredith put something in her hand. Her 30 day chip. Meredith closed Amelia's hand and held it. "Better?"
Amelia smiled shyly. "You kept it? You were keeping it in your coat pocket? … Why?"
"To remind me, that you are trying … and to encourage me to try, too, I think."
Both women were looking at each other and suddenly Amelia felt some hope. Maybe they could restore their relationship to a normal one again. They don't have to love each other, but maybe there is some hope for them.
"What are you doing tonight?", Meredith asked suddenly.
"Nothing, why? Do you think I'll go to Joe's?! Do you really feel like you have to control me?!"
"Calm down, Amelia … I just wanted to ask you if you would like to have dinner with us tonight. The kids really miss you and Maggie will be home, too. I think she also misses you. … It's just a dinner."
"Oh … sorry … I … yeah, I would like to come." Amelia smiled hesitantly. "I would love to. … I miss them, too…"
"Okay … let's say at 8pm ?"
"Yeah, that's fine. … Thank you."
"You know that I won't cook, right? We'll probably have pizza…"
Amelia laughed. "Pizza is fine with me. … And I didn't only mean the invitation…"
Meredith nodded knowingly. "You're welcome. … So, let's get back to work now, okay?"
Meredith was standing up from the floor and then reached out her hand for Amelia to pull her up. Amelia took it and the two women were now standing, holding each other's hand for some seconds longer than neccessary.
"One day, everything will be fine, Amelia, … we have to believe this…"
Amelia nodded: "… and until then, it's one day at a time, right?"