Rehashing the Past
"Bradshaw."
Those two syllables changed my life. And I was hearing them again for the first time in a year. I quickly tried to think of something to say. For some reason "hi" didn't seem to suffice, but that was all that my brain could think of.
"Hi."
"Hey." We stood there in silence for some time while I thought of something to say.
"How have you been? It's been awhile." Awhile meant one year, two months, and four days. So I guess you could say I haven't seen him in awhile.
"I've been…okay, getting by. How about you?" We stepped into the side hallway of the Oak Room, where I was reporting on a woman named Francesca Bonagore.
"About the same, what are you doing here?"
"My dad is engaged to Francesca, so I decided that a night out on the town might do me good. Are you working?"
"I was, but I'm off the clock now." A silence followed the lull in conversation.
"Listen, do you think we could talk? Someplace more private preferably." He suggested as he looked around at all of the people occupying the room.
"Yeah, um, we could go get some coffee?" I asked with a questionable tone. He nodded and we headed around the corner.
"I can't believe I ran into you, where are you living now?"
"I did a semester at UCONN, and I hated it, so I spent the past five months in Europe, trying to forget."
"Forget what?"
"Everything. Forget about how stupid I was, and how selfish. Forget about how much I hurt you. Forget about you, Carrie. I always seemed to hurt you and I hated myself for it. I probably shouldn't even be here now."
"I'm a big girl Sebastian. I can make that decision for myself." It came off sounding cold, but it was true. I had grown so much in the past year. I became an adult and could function in one of the most dangerous cities in the country, with Walt that is. We were the proud renters of a small apartment in Queens, and by small, I meant two miniscule bedrooms and a small kitchen, with a couch in it, along with a TV.
"I know that Carrie. I know you are, I've been reading your stuff in Interview. It's really good." I had gotten my first by-line the summer after graduation, and many others followed.
"I am currently a subscriber to the magazine." He chuckled as he said it.
"Oh, did you enjoy our end of summer special on hairstyles? Crimping your hair is not the look this fall apparently."
"I don't read it for the fashion tips, I read it to keep up with you, see what you're up to. The fashion tips are just a nice bonus." His last sentence made me laugh.
"I'm not great yet, but it keeps me busy."
"Well I certainly think you're great. The city sure has changed you Bradshaw, you're drinking black coffee now?"
"It seems like the only thing that can keep me awake now adays. So how long are you in the city for?"
"Just tonight, I'm supposed to head to the Hamptons with my mom tomorrow for Labor Day weekend."
"Oh, where are you staying?"
"I'm not quite sure yet, I figured that I could just find some place to stay."
"Sebastian, it's the week before Labor Day weekend! The city is packed! It's everyone's last chance to get their last piece of the city during the summer! You're never going to find somewhere. Why don't you just stay with Walt and me?"
"Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that, I'll just drive back to Castlebury and stay at my dads."
"It's already almost one in the morning! Just stay with us for the night. Come on, we even have air conditioning!" I persuaded, knowing that would be a deciding factor due to the heat wave going through the city right now. It was one in the morning and almost 94 degrees still. The humidity did awful things to my hair. I pulled it back because it was starting to frizz out.
Sebastian reluctantly agreed to stay with us and thanked me the whole subway ride there.
"Now this isn't some swanky hotel, but we get by. Now, it's a little small, I have to warn you." I unlocked the door and he looked around.
"It's perfect for you. It's exactly how I imagined your apartment would be." He looked at all of the things on the walls and our furniture. I was flattered by what he said, I took pride in my apartment. He put his bag down on the couch.
"I'm going to go change out of these shoes and then I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable." I headed back into my bedroom and pulled on a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top. Luckily, I had shaved my legs this morning. My curly hair was pulled back from my face in an attempt to beat the heat. I opened up my door once I was finished dressing and saw the door to our small balcony open. Walt wasn't home yet, and I wasn't sure if he planned on even coming home tonight, he might be staying at Bennett's. I stuck my head out of the door and saw Sebastian leaning over the edge of our railing, wearing athletic shorts but no shirt.
"What're you doing out here?" I went out and stood next to him. I handed him a beer that I grabbed out of the fridge and he happily obliged.
"Just thinking. You know, for how much you apologized for your small apartment, I think it's kind of amazing. This view is great." Our view was a great one, since we weren't in the heart of the city, we had the perfect view of the city line. The streets of Queens were still busy at night too, but nowhere near what Manhattan was like. I had grown to love Queens. It was my home away from home when I needed to escape the city and all of my work problems.
"I really do love it here. It was treated me pretty great. I love to sit out here in the summer and write, or just watch the people below. It's my saving grace. I feel so free up here, you know?"
"Yeah, I know the feeling."
"Except last winter when Walt jammed the sliding door and we spent two nights with the door halfway open because the landlord couldn't fix it right away. Then I hated it." He laughed at my story.
"I was just worried about Baby getting out."
"Baby?" He asked when I mentioned a name he didn't know.
"Oh, that's my cat. Walt jokes and says he did it on purpose because he hates her. But I love her. She's great."
"Well I can't wait to meet her."
"I'm sure she'll make an appearance, it is a small apartment." After that, we stood in silence for a few minutes, drinking our beers. My midriff was showing slightly because my tank top was a tad too tight. Something caught Sebastian's gaze and he stared at me. I knew what for too.
"When did you get that?" He touched my hip, which made me shiver, even in this heat wave.
"That was a drunken mistake. I learned my lesson to never let Larissa be the soberest one in the group because we all woke up with tattoos that morning. Thank god mines small and I can cover it up."
"What does it mean?"
"It's Hindu for recovery." I knew telling him this would only spark bad memories, but I didn't want to lie to him.
"I was thinking about getting it removed anyway, it shouldn't be too expensive because it's only a couple centimeters big."
"No, don't. I like it." He said quietly and pulled his hand away from my exposed hip.
"I still feel awful about that night." He said after a couple of seconds of silence. I was disappointed because tonight had been going so well, too. This would just lead to fighting.
"You shouldn't, I'm here and I'm fine, aren't I? I got exactly what I wanted. I'm in the city and I love my life." For some reason he had a hurt look on his face. I didn't know why though, I had told him to not feel bad anymore. Maybe it was because I said I had gotten everything I wanted, when in fact I hadn't, I didn't have him.
"I didn't mean it that way Sebastian. I wanted to be with you when you came to my house after graduation, I just couldn't be with you then. My dreams were so close I could taste them and I couldn't give that up. I had to be selfish because there were too many things that happened between us. But that was over a year ago. Things are different now. Hey." I touched his bare arm to get him to look at me.
"I know that. I understand that after what happened we couldn't be together then. I just can't believe I did that Carrie. I feel so much guilt from that night still."
"Sebastian, you have to let that go. I'm fine now! See, look, I'm right here." I took a step back to prove myself as hot tears rolled down his face. We had never gotten the chance to talk about that night, so this was the first time we were and it felt like they were fresh wounds, literally.
"Carrie, I almost killed you! How do you expect me to live with myself? I almost ripped you away from your dad and Dorrit, who had already lost your mom that year! I almost ripped you away from Mags and Mouse! Not to mention Walt! This was a bad idea, I'm sorry." He moved to go in through to door, but I stepped in his way and took another step closer to him.
"It wasn't your fault Sebastian! It was icy outside! No one should have been driving; it wasn't your fault! I asked you to come get me, so if it weren't for me, you wouldn't have been driving in the first place." I yelled back, fully aware that the people on the street below were probably wondering what was going on.
"Carrie, I would've done anything for you. I still would." He said and turned back to face the city with his back towards me.
"I know that, and I know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, okay? Some would even argue that you saved me that night."
"What are you talking about?" He scoffed.
"My dad has told me time after time that if it weren't for you, I would be dead right now. I was stupid and wasn't wearing my seatbelt. You kept me from flying through the windshield that night!"
"I was so worried about you when I woke up. I remember it like it was yesterday. After the accident happened, I opened my eyes and thought we had both died. The first thing I saw was your hair. Your beautiful hair," He touched my hair in my ponytail before continuing, "was covered in blood. I couldn't speak, or move, but I knew that I had to get you out of there. I panicked." My mind thought back to that night.
"I don't even remember much of that night, but my dad told me that you explained to him that we had been fighting, but I needed someone to pick me up from the train station and it was late, so I called you. I don't remember the train ride, or calling you, or getting in the car, but I remember how I felt in the car. My heart hurt so much about you and Maggie, but I had to call you or walk home. I had a long day at work and I just didn't have the energy in me to walk home. You were the only one I knew who was awake at that time. I remember crying the entire way home, but we didn't talk. Not a word. Why is that?" I asked out of pure curiosity. I didn't want to make him feel even worse, but I had to know.
"Because no matter what I said, your mind was made up. It wouldn't have made a difference if I told you that it was a huge mistake and how sorry I was, you already knew that. I wouldn't even have known what to say anyway. Nothing can excuse the way I acted. I was selfish and stupid. I was worried if I admitted it that I would lose you for good." The accident happened in early March, right after Maggie had told me about Sebastian and her kissing. I was mad at them both. I was angry that Sebastian had lied to me and hadn't told me. I was furious that Maggie would betray me like that.
"Can you do me a favor?"
"I think I at least owe you that much after all of the pain I've caused you."
"Can you tell me what happened that night, all of it? Because all I have are pieces of what my dad has told me and my fragmented memory."
"Of course, do you want to go inside?" I nodded, realizing my beer was finished and I wasn't in the mood to have another. I walked in and he followed me. I saw Walt was at the kitchen counter, going through the mail and Bennett was sitting on the couch.
"Hey Walt! Long time no see!" Sebastian greeted Walt with a handshake and Walt said the same thing. Sebastian and I both tried to hide the fact that we had both shed tears only minutes before.
"Well, we'll be in my room if you need us." I knew Walt would be curious, but his curiosity could wait until the morning.
"Alright sounds good." He waited until Sebastian was in my room before grabbing my hand.
"Are you going to be okay?" He looked at my tear-stained face and knew that I wasn't okay. He knew me better than anyone, but he also knew that the one person who could fix me was Sebastian.
"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks Walt. I love you." I gave him a quick hug before retreating to my room. The next couple of minutes would help me sort out my past year and a half and finally give me answers.