A/N: I tried not to write this but the idea wouldn't leave me alone so I gave up in the end and wrote it. Just to let you know, this is pretty depressing.
This is an AU, but there are SnK manga spoilers up to chapter 51. And I think the continuity/timeline of this isn't exactly right? I'm not really sure. I also have no headcanons for the end of the war/what happens later in the story so you may notice it's very vague.
Let me know what you thought?
There was nothing she could have done.
That's what they tell her when she wakes up in the infirmary, her joints stiff and creaky, a dull ache in her lower abdomen, her spine just a prickly sensation of throbbing pain down her back. It's the second thing the doctor says to her (right after how do you feel?), what Hanji whispers in her ear when she visits, what Erwin tells her when he appears in the doorway for a brief second, what Levi says when they are alone, his cold tone a stark contrast to the gentleness of his fingers in her hair, massaging her scalp.
There was nothing she could have done, they say, but that doesn't make it any better. They are gone—Gunter, Auruo, Erd. Three steadfast soldiers, three strong fighters, and her three closest friends. She will never hear Gunter's quiet laugh again, never tease and scold Auruo for something silly again, never joke around with Erd and arm-wrestle him again; she never even got to meet his fiancée.
She doesn't understand why she lived when they didn't, why she gets to continue life in this cruel world when they were denied the chance. The doctor tells her something about the angle at which she hit the tree and how it spared her vitals, Hanji calls it a miracle, Erwin says she was lucky, Levi doesn't say anything, just presses his lips to her forehead and tells her to rest; but Petra knows better.
She should not have lived, but she did, and someday she will have to pay the price.
Physically, she recovers; her bones knit back together and her skin smoothes over until she can walk and move around just like before, no aches or twinges of pain hindering her movements. In what feels like no time at all (though perhaps that is because she doesn't do anything anymore these days; she spends her days staring blankly at the wall opposite her bed), she is fully healthy again and the doctor discharges her, says she can go back to the Scouting Legion if she wants.
She does because she has nothing else to do.
Their ghosts are everywhere, haunting her, whispering in the hallways and laughing by the staircase and greeting her in the mornings when she goes downstairs. She can feel Gunter's breath on the back of her neck when she makes coffee, hear him asking for more sugar; she can taste Auruo's blood on her tongue when he bites his too hard, spraying blood through the air that splatters onto her own lips; she can smell Erd's cologne as he walks past, laughing about something his fiancée just wrote him, but when she turns, the room is empty.
She cannot shake their ghosts; their presence is a constant thing, and it angers her so much that Levi doesn't seem to notice it too. She knows he grieves differently, that he is humanity's strongest soldier and he has to keep up a façade of constant composure, but sometimes she just wants to strangle him because dammit, doesn't he feel? He is human too, he should mourn just like her, and it pisses her off that he acts completely unaffected by their deaths, especially when she feels so broken.
She takes out her anger on him when he spends the night with her, digging her fingernails into his back as hard as she can and ripping his flesh, and though he never complains and she bandages his wounds after, she is not sorry. He understands, she thinks, and takes her in his arms and whispers that he is sorry he cannot bring their comrades back, and she cries enough for the two of them.
One time when Levi goes to visit the human who is the female Titan, she insists on tagging along despite his insistence that it is a bad idea. Looking into the jagged crystal at the blond girl with her eyes closed, she idly wonders how it would feel to plunge her blades into another human being.
She thinks, in this case, she wouldn't mind.
Slowly, the wounds in her heart begin to heal as well, though she knows there will always be a gaping hole where Erd, Auruo, and Gunter used to reside. Their ghosts start to fade and she learns how to smile again, how to laugh occasionally without feeling guilty, how to make pleasant conversation with strangers as if her world hasn't been cut in half straight down the middle, leaving her floundering for one side to catch.
She will be okay, she tells herself; she tries to believe it. She will be okay, the doctor says; she is fully recovered. She will be okay, Hanji says; Petra's strong. She will be okay, Erwin says; her performance as a soldier is still perfectly proficient.
She will be okay, Levi says; he whispers it in her ear, murmurs it against her skin, breathes it across her lips, and she nearly believes him, but she is unable to completely ignore that little voice in the back of her head that speaks up sometimes and objects, that insidious little voice that tells her:
You should have died with them.
Mike is the first to go—one day he's there and the next he's not, gone in an attempt to distract the Titans, allowing time for his comrades to escape. Petra is the first one to comfort Nanaba, holding the blond woman in her arms as she weeps; Petra makes soothing noises in the back of her throat and rubs circles on the taller woman's back, even as she recognizes the irony of one broken person trying to hold another together.
She didn't know Mike particularly well, but he is not just another nameless soldier, one of many who gave their lives in this neverending war; she feels sorrow for his death too, though her heart has been dulled already, splintered and weathered by Erd, Auruo, and Gunter's passing. The emptiness of Mike's demise and Nanaba's pain tugs at her soul; they are just two people of countless hundreds, but there are stories like theirs everywhere, happening every day, and she has never felt so acutely the futility of humanity's fight before.
Nanaba goes too not long after, and Petra can only hope they can be together. She lays flowers on Nanaba's grave and tries to disregard the voice in the back of her mind that whispers it's all her fault.
When Hanji goes, Petra's world is turned upside down for the second time since her one and only encounter with the female Titan. Hanji is Hanji, passionate, enthusiastic, sparking with intelligence and life, far too radiant to be snuffed out so easily. But one expedition her gear malfunctions, her wires catch on something, and she is swallowed whole by one of the giants she loves to study so much.
If Erwin was no longer fit to lead before due to his arm (or lack thereof), he is definitely in a good position to command the entire Scouting Legion after Hanji's death. Hanji's passing does something to him, freezes his already cold heart, slows the warm blood in his veins, compartmentalizes his logical mind into that of a machine, until his decisions become more and more ruthless and more and more people die, but they make more progress against the Titans than they have since they first discovered Eren's Titan-shifting ability.
Petra has never seen Levi so shaken before, definitely not when his squad died, and part of her wants to feel bitter about it, but she ignores that part and shares his grief with him. She sees him cry for the first time and she cries with him; he clutches her like he will stop functioning if he lets go, and she is the one to comfort him this time, running her fingers across his skin and tracing circles on his back, placing soft kisses on his face.
"You won't leave, will you, Petra?" he whispers, and she shakes her head.
"Never," she says, and she tries her best not to listen to the little voice in her head that tells her you're right, he'll leave first.
Erwin's death is grand and heroic, very befitting of him; he goes out in a blaze of glory, fighting dozens of Titans literally singlehandedly, buying the rest of his troops enough time to escape. There is no time to mourn him; Levi is immediately made the new commander of the Scouting Legion and all of Erwin's duties fall upon him.
They will grieve over Erwin's death, of course, but it is more a solemn respect and acknowledgement of a brilliant man gone than anything else. Erwin had given himself completely to humanity, and there is not much left of the man himself to grieve over.
Levi is a wholly different commander from Erwin; he is a first-rate soldier and an excellent leader but he lacks the ruthlessness to send hundreds to their deaths for the sake of a higher purpose. Even with Eren and the new information they have about the Titan shifters, the war takes a bad turn, dozens of people dying daily as the war outside the walls and the squabbles inside get worse and worse.
It is too much pressure for Levi to handle; Petra can tell by the way the weight of his new role presses into his shoulders, hunches his back until he seems smaller than he already is. She can feel it in the tension of his muscles, the permanent crease of his brow, the tiredness of his gaze as he looks at her for the first time alone they have all day.
It is just the two of them left now; he depends on her as much as she depends on him but she cannot do anything to help: she has nothing to say, no suggestions to offer, so she only smoothes his hair out and massages his shoulders and tells him to rest more. He kisses her on the cheek and tells her not to worry about him, but she cannot even do that, because beyond the concerns she has for his health, there is a more pressing one that eats at her heart every day: what if he doesn't survive? What if he doesn't come back?
She tells herself not to be ridiculous, that he hasn't been dubbed humanity's strongest soldier for no reason, but that insidious voice in her mind is speaking again, saying it's all your fault, everyone's dying when you haven't, and he will leave you too.
It isn't even a major expedition—just a routine mission, checking on the new supply lines they've secured, a victory against all the losses they've been facing recently.
She is thinking about him when it happens, thinking that she should have insisted he sleep earlier last night or made him coffee this morning, but they were in a rush, having nearly overslept, and he looked so tired when she passed him just then—
"Titans on the left flank!" someone cries out behind her.
She is immediately alert, sitting taller on her horse and gripping the reins more tightly. She looks over her shoulder to see a large group of the giants pounding after them, having appeared suddenly from behind a copse of trees.
There are not too many, but there are not too many humans to fight them either. Petra sighs and puts a hand on one of her blades, preparing to swing off her horse.
The battle does not last long; she strikes down two Titans and her comrades take care of the rest. They are all well-worn soldiers and a small group of Titans is no problem for them.
It isn't until she starts heading back to her horse, sheathing her blades, that a cry behind her catches her attention: "Petra, look out!"
She twists around, her heart pounding in her throat, and her eyes widen when she sees an eight-meter class—it must be a deviant—jump out from another copse of trees up ahead, completely ignoring the soldiers at its feet to lunge for her.
Her head spins as her brain refuses to process what is going to happen—she can't get her blades out in time, she's going to be eaten, she's finally going to die—but then she hears a hoarse shout, sees a blur of action, and then Levi—he's barely had time to draw his blades, his angle is all off, she sees his hands shake and she knows he's completely exhausted, the stress and the lack of sleep having finally caught up with him—shoots his hooks and swings at the Titan.
It turns from Petra to Levi at the last moment and grabs him out of the air.
She has no time to be stunned; she just stares, uncomprehending, as he catches her eye one last time, his face resigned—and then he is gone.
She screams, falling to her knees, sounds she never knew she could make ripping from her throat; her world has come crashing down around her in that one moment and she doesn't care what happens next, doesn't care if she gets eaten too, doesn't care about anything anymore—but someone else yells, "Petra!" and hurls himself at her, pushing her out of the way as the deviant scrabbles for her, and someone else lands on the Titan's back and plunges his blades into the nape of the giant's neck.
The rest of the mission is nothing but a blur—someone has to ride with her the whole way back, and she just sits there, tears streaming down her face, fingers twitching with shock, still unable to fully realize what just happened.
It is not her fault, they say, there is nothing she could have done, but Petra knows better. She should have died with the rest of her squad in that forest, should have had her entrails spilled, blood drained, life taken just like Erd, Auruo, and Gunter had theirs snuffed. She should not have lived, but she did, and because of it she has been cursed, cursed to see her comrades die one by one in front of her eyes, cursed to live when they do not, cursed to watch her friends die while there is nothing she can do to stop it.
She should not have lived, but she did, and Levi said it wasn't her fault, everyone said it wasn't her fault, but that is not true, and Levi said she would be okay, but that is not true either, she wasn't okay, she isn't okay, everyone died, he died, and she is finally—
(it is the price she has to pay)
—alone.