Somewhere in Lana's closet is the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is based on another article I read. Probably the same article that has been circling around for years. This is how to…
Dress For Success
"UGGGH!" Lana stormed into the bullpen to find Ray and Pam lounging around relaxing. "I love my mother, but sometimes she just drives me crazy!"
"Welcome to the Club of Annoying Relatives," Ray quipped. "What did your mother do?"
"She's on my case again about my career," Lana sighed as she sat down.
"More like lack of it," Pam quipped.
"She doesn't know that!" Lana barked. "Or at least she doesn't know most of it. She's saying that I'm wasting my talents and should get a better job."
"I'm confused," Ray blinked. "What part of that isn't true?"
"Even I think we could do better than this," Pam nodded.
"Now she's gotten into the habit of sending me articles online," Lana said. "Tips on how to improve your life and career."
"I'd know that feeling," Pam nodded. "They think they're being helpful but all they are doing is rehashing stuff you already know."
"Exactly," Lana let out a breath. "Like this article my mother sent me on how to dress properly for an interview. What does she think I am? A teenager just out of high school?"
"Normally I'd agree with you Lana but…" Ray made a show of looking at her usual attire of a red sweater dress and thigh high boots. "It wouldn't hurt you to invest in a new pantsuit."
"Yeah you can't wear anything revealing like that or shorts," Pam added. "Or a bathing suit. Unless you're applying for a job at Hooters. Or a strip club. And even then, they prefer you wear something more appropriate."
"I know to wear appropriate clothes for an interview!" Lana barked. "And I have a professional business suit. Somewhere…"
"You'd be surprised all the dumb ways people dress for an interview," Pam spoke up. "Like that one guy who wore short shorts and a halter top?"
"That was me," Ray said. "For one of our Halloween parties."
"No, the other guy who wore the short shorts and halter top," Pam said. "He came in for an interview. The one who had too much cologne?"
"Oh, that guy," Ray nodded. "He smelled so bad even Tom from Payroll could smell him. And he lost his sense of smell when a bottle cap went up his nose."
"Was that that same Halloween party?" Lana asked.
"You're thinking of Brett when Archer accidentally threw a bottle at his head," Pam told her. "Tom had the accident when he was twelve."
"How could Archer accidentally hit Brett in the head with a bottle?" Ray asked.
"He was aiming for Cyril," Pam explained. "Cyril moved at the last second. Brett got in the way…"
"Okay now I remember," Ray nodded. "Yeah wearing too much cologne or perfume is a huge no-no."
"Obviously," Lana said. "If you can't even stay in the same room with a person you aren't going to hire them."
"Remember that one woman who came in to interview for a secretary position?" Ray remembered. "The one who Archer said that he would need a clothespin on his nose to bang her? And then asked aloud if anyone had a clothespin?"
"She left so fast Mallory didn't even have time to insult her," Lana nodded.
"That's why I always wear my family's homemade deodorant when I go on an interview," Pam said. "Made with vanilla and cinnamon and a hint of bourbon. It's light and memorable but not overpowering. Works every time."
"You wear a deodorant made that smells of bourbon?" Ray was stunned. "Damn. No wonder Ms. Archer hired you."
"That and the fact she thought I was too fat to have sex with her son," Pam shrugged. "Joke's on her! Ha!"
"Yeah when it comes to sex Archer has no standards," Lana grumbled.
"Said the bitter ex-girlfriend," Ray pointed out.
"HA!" Pam pointed.
"Technically we're not exes," Lana defended. "We're just on break."
"Anything you say Rachel," Pam scoffed. "I tell you, I did my share of interviews working as the head of HR. And there were some real characters."
"Worse than you?" Ray asked.
"Oh yeah," Pam said. "Like there was always one guy who had wrinkled clothes. What's up with that?"
"If you don't know how to use an iron," Ray remarked. "You certainly can't be trusted with a gun. Or any other machinery."
"It's not that hard to un-wrinkle them," Pam said. "Just throw 'em in a dryer with a couple of ice cubes on high for ten minutes. The steam heat gets rid of those wrinkles faster than Ms. Archer out of a restaurant that doesn't serve alcohol."
"Does that really work?" Ray asked. "I have to try that."
"I've had people come in with jeans," Pam went on. "And I don't mean those fancy black jeans that can be mistaken for dress pants. I'm talking actual blue jeans with holes in them. Those resumes went right in the wastebasket."
"You just throw out resumes if people don't dress well enough?" Lana asked.
"Uh yeah," Pam said. "It's called narrowing down the field."
"Hang on," Ray remembered something. "What about that one guy we had for a month? Jasper…"
"Jason," Lana said.
"That's the one," Ray nodded. "Not only did he come in wearing jeans, but he wore a sleeveless T-Shirt! And he got hired! What was up with that?"
"Don't you remember?" Lana asked. "He was interviewing to be Mallory's secretary."
"Ohhhh," Ray remembered. "That's right!"
"One look at his abs and muscles and she just threw all the other resumes out the window," Pam nodded. "And I ain't speaking metaphorically. She actually threw those resumes out the window."
"Can't say I blame her," Ray smirked. "Whatever happened to him? I was barely in the office after he was hired. Ms. Archer had me on so many missions I didn't know what day of the week it was."
"That's because she didn't want any competition," Pam explained. "Unfortunately, she forgot about that pretty little blond in accounting. I want to say Mary but I know that wasn't her name…"
"Didn't matter," Lana shrugged. "Her name was mud. And so was Jason's after Ms. Archer caught them having sex in the copy room."
"Man, there were a lot of forms I had to fill out for that one," Pam groaned. "Pink slips. Medical emergency forms. Medical insurance forms. Next of kin forms. Requests for bullet hole repairs…"
"I remember that now," Ray nodded. "Ms. Archer was screaming at the top of her lungs how she would never hire a dimwitted moron that only thought about sex ever again."
"Three days later," Lana remarked. "We ended up with Cheryl."
"To be fair," Pam pointed out. "Cheryl just doesn't think about sex."
"Yeah she thinks about fires," Ray drawled. "Violence. Ostriches. Drugged up gummy bears. More fires…How to get away with arson…"
"It's also a bad idea to wear a hat to an interview," Pam said.
"Why?" Lana said. "Wearing a hat could be stylish."
"Not if it has a propeller on top," Pam told her. "To be fair he was applying to be one of Krieger's interns…"
"That's usually the proper mindset Krieger looks for," Ray admitted.
"There was another intern that applied that had purple hair," Pam added. "Now normally having dyed hair that extreme is a bad idea for an interview but since he was also applying to be one of Krieger's interns…And he explained that the hair turned that way because he took part in an experiment that he was previously a part of…"
"Purpie!" Ray remembered. "I remember that guy! Started out as Krieger's intern! Until that one fateful experiment."
"On the plus side once he went bald, he got a promotion," Pam nodded. "Then he got headhunted by ODIN. Ironically he now runs the intern department there."
"He did look good bald," Ray admitted.
"It is a little disconcerting that people get judged and hired on the basis of looks," Lana remarked.
"That's this new place called Planet Earth," Pam said. "You're going to run into that no matter what you do. Take me for instance, when I first got to New York City I wanted to work at a strip club…"
"And they turned you down?" Ray asked. "Were they afraid the pole wouldn't support your weight?"
"As a waitress, smart ass," Pam snapped. "And they didn't hire me because I was fat. They didn't hire me because I was a blonde."
"Seriously?" Ray asked.
"All the other waitresses were brunettes," Pam shrugged. "At least that's what I was told. Then I went to the club one night and saw a lot of blonde thin…Son of a bitch!"
"At least at this agency looks don't matter as much," Ray shrugged. "Lucky for Cyril."
That was when Krieger walked into the room. He was wearing nothing but a welder's mask, a large apron and a pair of sneakers. "Uh nobody go down to my lab for the rest of the day…" He said. "It needs to air out…"
"That's not the only thing airing out," Pam quipped as she saw Krieger's bare behind as he left.
"In this office its pretty much a miracle if anyone stays dressed at all," Ray quipped.