HEEEEEY GUUUYS! :D So I'm back with a brand new story (yaay) :p anyway, I've got some explaining to do about this one..
It's not slash (And I'm deeply, deeply sorry for that.) It's sort of like OT4 friendship? Well, actually it's BTR's friendship falling apart from Logan's POV.
It's sad and something that will never ever happen in real life (or at least, I hope so.) But I had a good time writing it soooo...
ENJOY!
"Sometimes life gives you two options; Losing yourself, or losing the ones you love. Whatever it is, don't lose yourself."
~ Anonymous ~
Big Time Rush was never in for the long run.
Thy all knew that. Th producers, the managers, the fans. They all knew. Even the band members themselves.
Big Time Rush was destined to fall apart one day. They just never expected it to go like this.
Big Time Rush wasn't suppose to be a mistake.
A big one, like Kendall yelled at James. While Logan and Carlos were throwing everything that could be broken to the ground.
Big Time Rush was never supposed to ruin them. Yet, against everything they ever promised would never happen, it did.
Big Time Rush ruined everything.
It wasn't about a boothcamp gone wrong this time. It wasn't about a girl or song lyrics. It wasn't about Hollywood fever or a platinum controller.
It was about fame and fortune and about how one misstep can change your entire journey.
It was about love and hate and about how both could ruin a lifetime of friendship.
This time, it was about how much they ended up despising each other.
Friendship is a valuable thing.
You can cherish it, treasure it. You can break it and even rebuilt it. But you can never ever lose it. Once you've lost it, there's no finding it again.
Logan knows that.
They all know that, all four of them.
Yet, it didn't stop them from losing their friendship anyway.
Fame seems so wonderful. In the beginning it's something everyone wants a taste of. It look like a dream coming true. From a distance, it's a chance, the opportunity of a lifetime.
Up close, it's poison.
Up close, it's toxic and pressure and fighting among each other.
Up close, it's competition
It's what ruins what has been there for years, in just two seconds.
Logan saw it happen.
He watched as Kendall got more solo's, James more girls and Carlos more interviews than anyone else. He saw himself get more popular than he had ever been in his entire life.
He watched Kendall leave, James yell, Carlos cry.
He watched himself in the mirror, a blue, purple-ish bruise forming where Kendall's fist had collided with his skin.
Fame is a murderer.
And it killed all of them.
When you're a band, when you're best friends. When you're brothers, you don't fight. Not like that. You don't yell and scream.
You mess around, hurt each other's feelings but you make up. Every single time, you apologize and move on like nothing happened at all.
You don't hate.
You simply don't do this. Not when you're suppose to love.
Fame washes away every ounce of love inside. Fame has torn them apart. Has pulled them away, miles away from what they used to be.
He finds it hard to believe. Difficult for his mind to get a grip on reality when he doesn't want it to be real in the first place. But their apartment is empty. Kendall's suitcases are waiting in the hallway, James' hair products are no longer in the cabinet underneath the sink and Carlos' helmet is no longer sitting next to him at the dinner table. Logan is no longer part of the four hockey players from Minnesota. It's over. The friendship that was once so strong, it's gone.
Whether he believes it or not.
It starts when Kendall walks out on a video game session. James and Carlos sent him to check up on Kendall. A result of rock, paper, siccors. (Not that the game is fair, he's never been good at that, anyway.)
Their room is pitch-black. But he can make out the shape of Kendall's body near the window.
Whatever's going on, it's serious, Logan thinks. The last time he found Kendall gazing up at the starts was when his dad left.
Kendall can hear him walking in. Probably even knows it's Logan, but he doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at him.
That's what Kendall does. He challenges you, right until you cave. He makes you squirm under his power, even when he's not trying.
"Are you okay?"
That's another thing Kendall does. He lies. He hides away, buries his emotions and his feelings until someone passes, brave enough to start digging.
He tells him 'yes' but Logan already digged a hole deep enough to make all those emotions and those feelings jump free.
"No, you're not."
He's got Kendall right where he wants him. Just for a minute, a second not the fearless leader he pretends to be. But the troubled boy only Logan and the four walls of his bedroom ever witnessed.
His green eyes are focused on him and a small chuckle leaves his lips.
Kendall never escapes Logan's digging skills.
He sits down and Logan's bed and Logan takes a seat next to him. Kendall's head is a heavy weight on his shoulder and his arm makes a way around Kendall's waist.
"Gustavo and I had a talk today. He, uhm..He and Griffin, they want me to go on by myself. They offered me a solo record and everything."
Logan knew that one day, this was going to knows that Kendall is someone you want for yourself. Every part of him.
Kendall is fierce and strong and confident. Kendall was a superstar long before he became one.
"Are you going to take it?"
Kendall buries his face in the crook of Logan's neck and sighs.
"I don't know yet."
"It would be okay, you know? If you'd take it. We would understand."
Thing is, Logan lies too. It wouldn't be okay and they sure as hell wouldn't understand. None of them. Big Time Rush is a band. They should stick together. Kendall shouldn't even have to think about it. He should be that boy in Minnesota again. The one that stood up against one of the biggest producers of all times. That boy is long gone. And Logan really wants to remind Kendall of him.
But if he does, they'll lose Kendall way sooner than they're suppose to.
He'll take it, the solo record. Logan knows he will. This fame has made him way too proud to turn down opportunities like that again.
"I'm sorry."
Kendall knows too. He doesn't really need to think about it. He just doesn't want Logan to know that he'll run, just like that. Without taking another look back at what he left behind.
"It's okay, Kendall."
They fall asleep like that. Cuddled together on Logan's bed like they used to, a long time ago.
Logan dreams about Minnesota. About snow and ice hockey. He dreams about home. Home where Kendall once told them that fame wouldn't matter if it was minus his best friends. That he wouldn't leave them.
Logan wonders when those best friends turned into something Kendall can so easily walk away from.
Logan has been through a lot of scary things.
There was the first day of highschool, that one time when his dad had a heart attack. Even that time when if the surgery didn't go well, he might never played hockey again.
A lot of horrific moments.
But the most terrifying one was when he saw Kendall cry. And James collaps and Carlos yell so hard he couldn't speak anymore.
"STOP IT! StopitstopitStopit, for God's sake!"
"I can't do this anymore."
"I've had enough. Enough of this, of everything."
Logan knew from that moment on, that things would never ever be the same again. And that, that single thought in his head was the most horrifying one he had ever had.
"This isn't working anymore, guys."
He's met with two shut mouths and one 'I know'.
When he looks at the sight in front of him, James with his face in his hands, Carlos staring out at nothing and Kendall silently sobbing. When he sees that, Logan remembers something. Something he never thought he would have to forget.
He remembers four little boys in a treehouse. Staring at the snow falling down. Four boys, swearing their friendship would be forever and Always.
"We're never letting this go, right?"
And little Logan furiously shook his head. He had never really had friendship like that before. And he wasn't planning on losing it either, now that he finally found it.
But big Logan, grown up Logan knows how to take care of himself. Without friends. Big Logan can't really stand watching how they're letting everything they swore they would never let go off, slip right out of their hands.
But through all the years of this destructive fame, big Logan learned how to be selfish.
He can't live in a world that doesn't exist anymore.
That's why he decides that it's enough. That he's had enough too. That they can't pretend to be those fur little boys anymore.
"Guys, I think it's time for all of us to find a new place. Far, far away from each other. For good."
But its when no one stands up to yell at him how stupid he's being, when no one even tries to argue that he knows. That he knows, what he just said, is one hundred percent true.
After that, Big Time Rush ends. They tell Gustavo and this big press conference is held.
They pretend to still be the best of friends. To still be the same happy boys they all know from those photoshopped posters. They pretend to still love each other. Like they Always had. Like they never would again.
Logan is going home. When this is all over, he's going to go t college. He's going to be a doctor. He's going to chase his dream, they way he was suppose to, originally, without all of this.
Carlos is moving. He found this nice little house in the suburbs. He doesn't know what he's going to do next. But whatever it is, it'll be great. Logan is sure of that.
James is keeping 2J. Someone offered him a role in this new teen angst movie. His mom is moving in too. When they told her BTR ended, she cried. But Logan doesn't know if she did because she was sorry, or because she was happy her baby was finally her's again.
He doesn't get to think about it either, because Kendall is in the doorstep. He can see him standing behind him in the mirror.
"I'm taking the solo record."
That's what Logan will never ever forgive him.
They're all going. He, James, Carlos, they're all going somewhere else, they're all moving on.
But Kendall? Kendall is leaving.
Leaving to live a dream that wasn't even his to begin with.
"I knew you would."
He's still not used to seeing Kendall cry, but that's how it goes from now on. Hate turns the strong into weak, the confident into insecure and the happy into sad.
The indescribable hate he feels for his ex-bandmates turned them all into something, someone they don't want to be.
But in the end, it's all their own fault.
"It wasn't suppose to be like this, Logan. Big Time Rush was suppose to be forever."
Logan has to remove his eyes from Kendall's tears and focus back on his reflection, where the bruise is only getting bigger and bigger. But he doesn't care about the pain anymore. Anything to remind him he's still there. That he's still Logan.
Because he can't do what all the others have done. He can't lose himself right now.
There comes a point in everyone's life, when the only one left to find sanity with, is yourself.
That's now, Logan thinks. That time is now and that's why he can't lie anymore. That's why can't give Kendall hope. Not when hope is so damn bordering on insanity.
"No Kendall. Big Time Rush was never forever. It was just a dream that we couldn't wake up from."
But Logan's wide awake now. He's all eyes and ears. He's facing the real world now.
"Big Time Rush was never suppose to happen in the first place."
It's hard. But it's true and honest all together. It's everything Logan has never dared to say out loud to anyone bu his reflection. But mostly, apart from all the truths hiding in his words, mostly, it's painful.
Almost as painful as that one moment, when all they had left to say to each other was:'I have to leave.'. And the only answer that could be heard in the empty apartment was:' I know'.
Logan's life is built up out of chapters.
A chapter for each part of his life.
Some of them filled with joy. Like that one time, when Logan finally found actual, real friends.
Or filled with admiration, when one of those friends got him a one-way ticket to Hollywood.
Even filled with fear, like the first day of highschool.
Anything. From pain to happiness to surprise.
But every one of them is filled with love. Filled with a deep affection that can't be described. A never ending love that can never ever fade away. No matter how hard Logan would try to erase it from those memories.
That's simply impossible. Each one yells and screams 'Love' at the top of it's lungs.
Each one, except the one he's closing off right now.
The chapter called Big Time Rush should've never been written in the first place.
"So, this is it then?"
"Yeah. I'm afraid it was never ment to be more."
Those are the words Logan is thinking about in the car. The last thing they said to each other before he stepped on the plane. They didn't even say goodbye. Not one of them.
That's what they turned into. What they turned themselves into. They, his ex-best friends aren't those people anymore. The ones he would do anything for.
Right now, they're just aquantices. Someone he would say hi to if he runs into them on the Streets. They're just...People that he used to know, now. Ypu know, a long time ago.
Minnesota is cold this time of year. A painful contrast with the burning heat in sunny L.A.
But that's over and done with. Logan doesn't want to reminisce. He just wants to move on.
Sometimes, he has the urge to google Big Time Rush.
Just to see what they're saying about him. What they're saying about the others. To see if Kendall's making it. To see if James is finally starting a succesful acting career. To see if Carlos finally figured out what to do with his life. He just wants to know if he ever even ment something. In the music bussiness, to his fans. To his friends.
He wants t google them, just to see if he's even missed at all.
He never does, though.
He can't even say BigTime Rush out loud without wincing.
He's at the dinner table right now. It's been a really long time. Three months to be precise. Three damn months and e stil can't get it out of his head. He's tried everything. Every book, every movie, every band. But nothing can get his mind off of this.
"It's okay to be sad, you know? They're your best friends."
But his mom doesn't really know the whole story.
"They were my best friends. I know that. But that's just something I have to move on from."
He looks up at the frame on his wall. Where there is hanging a huge Big Time Rush picture.
"What other choice do I have?"
None.
Moving on from everything, this whole...Chapter. It's the only way out. The only road he has left to take, to end up going the right way.
It might take him years, years filled with pain and regret. But he really can't lose himself. And he can't dwell on the past.
He's got a life to live.
So, yeah. He's just going to move on.
"So what are you going to do now, then? Forget all this even happened?"
Logan smiles at his mom and stands up to face the wall. He reaches up and carefully takes the picture away from there.
"No, right now, I'm going to take my new book, lay down on my bed and read. Right now, I'm just going to live."
He takes the picture up to his room and lays it down on his nightstand.
He's not even going to try forgetting them. Even though Kendall's a jerk, James selfish and Carlos annoying. It's just a chapter is his life and tomorrow, he's starting another one. Even though he doubts if it will be better than the one he just finished.
Sometimes we have to remember what we were to be what we are.
Big Time Rush was a mistake. But Big Time Rush is also the longest chapter in Logan's book.
And even though he hates those other hockey players from Minnesota now, that's just something he can never everforget.
And frankly, he isn't going to try either.
Three months ago, Logan lost three of the most wonderful people he had ever met. But even after all of that, Logan didn't lose himself.
That's the only reason he's keeping that picture for.
Because, even though he never really had the guts to admit it,
Without Big Time Rush, Logan would have never found himself in the first place.