Chapter 1- The Meaning of Sadness

Riley is six years old. And it may seem like that I don't like her, but I really do. I just express my love towards her before Joy stops me. I understand. Riley needs to be happy, and I only make her unhappy.

It's rare that I have a say in things, but I got used to it. Especially after Fear, Disgust and Anger started living here. I like them too, but I'm not sure they like me.

That's okay. At least they are not mean about. Joy isn't mean about it either, she is very nice about it actually. She always tries to give me tasks, which usually means I have to read the Mind Manuals. Which are far away from the console.

I like to read them, they are interesting.

I am Sadness.

Today was a happy day for Riley. The memory shelves are filled with pretty yellow memory orbs. This is good. This means that Riley had a very happy day. And if Riley had a good day, so did we all.

I guess.

I look up from the Mind Manual about the mechanisms of the Recall Tubes, and I see Riley going to sleep. This is good. Riley had an exhausting day too, so she needed sleep.

Good night Riley.

''Good job everyone!" cheers Joy as she sends the memories to the Long Term. ''Another day filled with sunshine and happiness! Anger, nice intervention there, it really was unfair to Riley how Mom tried to take the gummy bears away."

The brick-like emotion grunted. ''If dad tells us that we can have that after some normal meal, then we will have them after a normal meal."

I can understand him. That sounded unfair. Anger is really good at that.

''Exactly." continued Joy, while turning to Disgust ''On a second thought, that bug looked really nasty and I'm not sure that it was even friendly either, so nice save here."

Disgust smirked in satisfaction. ''Just doing my job.''

Again, can't disagree. I think that bug could have bitten us, but I don't think that Fear wants to hear it.

Speaking of him…

''Fear! You were the star of today! Riley could have gotten sooo many bruises at the playground, but you were on the top of your game and our girl went to sleep better than ever!" Joy actually clapped there, and I joined her, albeit with less enthusiasm. He really was good today, even compared to his normal performance.

Fear, for his part, looked really bashful upon hearing the applause. He was nervous too, but I think it's normal behaviour for him. He is fear itself after all.

''Oh come on Joy, don't make me blush. I wasn't that good."

He was kind of adorable in situations like these. I like that about him.

Joy laughed at Fear's shyness and then turned towards me. Do I get a praise too? I didn't do anything…

''Sadness, how many manuals have you read today?" asked Joy, suddenly looking quite tired.

''Erm… four?" I asked uncertainly.

''Great! Keep doing that, you are doing a tremendous job!" Joy complimented me before yawning widely and then slumping her body. ''Could you take care of Dream Duty tonight? I really don't feel up for it."

''But…" I was doing Dream duty last night too…

''Oh, thank you! Sadness, I am forever in your debt." and with that, she began making her way towards the beds, leaving me there behind…

Alone…

…

sigh

It kind of hurts. I know that nobody knows what my purpose is here, but I don't like feeling neglected. It's… sad. Very sad.

I guess I'm on Dream Duty again. I like Dream Duty, but I like sleep too. I guess I'll sleep next night. Hopefully.

I make my way towards the window where I can see the personality islands. I agree with Joy, they are nice. They make Riley, Riley. I don't really have a favorite, but it's okay. Happiness was never my strength, and it's okay too. Nobody wants a sad Riley, we want a happy one.

But…

It would be nice to know at least why I'm here. A purpose, you could say. I want to do something for Riley, that would make her happy.

I don't know if it's possible though…

''Sadness?"

I turn around quickly and only then realize two things: One, I began to silently cry in the time I was watching the personality islands, and two…

Fear has never gone to bed.

''You okay?" he asks worriedly as I try to dry my tears.

''Y-yes, yes I am. What are you doing here?" I ask timidly.

''I could ask the same thing. Isn't… isn't Joy on Dream Duty tonight?" he asks hesitantly, stepping closer to me.

''She asked me t-to take her place because she was tired."

''And you agreed?" Fear asked, arriving in front of me.

''I… I guess I did. Not like I had any choice though…"

He looks at me with that calculating gaze and I suddenly feel self-conscious. It's like he is searching for something on my face.

''Wait… weren't you on Dream Duty last night?" he asks.

I could only nod without making eye contact. The next thing I hear is a sigh and, to my great surprise, I feel his arms embrace me into a hug.

''And why are you crying?"

I sniff and accept the hug. I needed it. ''I don't know."

It's a lame answer but it's the truth. Sometimes I just cry without any reason. There is a small silence where we keep hugging. It feels nice. Nobody has ever hugged me. Why is he doing it now though?

''Listen…" he says as we end the hug. I look at him curiously.

''How about you go to bed. I'll take over Dream Duty tonight, okay?" he asks softly with a small smile and I feel tears coming again.

''But Joy said-"

''I know what Joy said, and…" he sighs tiredly ''…And I agree on a lot of things with her, but not on the way she or the others treat you." he says in a sad way.

I have never seen any other emotion this sad, I thought it was only my thing.

''And I know that I have been treating you the same and… I feel awful. I'm sorry."

I cannot form an answer to that. Maybe because everything he said was kind of unexpected and… nice. I thought I would spend the rest of my sad life being in the corner and almost getting no part in Riley's life. I was ready to accept that even, but hearing Fear apologize and admit his wrong…

It felt nice. Really nice.

But…

''Why are you saying this?" I ask him with hopeful eyes. I didn't even notice that he began drying up my newly formed tears with that handkerchief of his, until he stopped swiping and looked at me.

''Easy. Because it's my job to protect you and your well-being. Even if I'm not the most qualified for the job. Plus…" he began scratching the back of his head nervously. ''… I have never been one to ignore problems, which is still kind of my job, you know, to pay attention to problems, though most of them are usually lethal, but someone has to pay attention those, right?" he asks with an awkward chuckle and I am even more confused.

''Your job is to protect me? I thought it was to keep Riley from any harm." I ask quietly and he smiles.

''It is. But the others often forget that I am responsible for Riley's well-being too."

I raise an eyebrow.

''Isn't that the same thing?"

''Kind of, but by well-being I mean like her happiness."

I still don't understand. Isn't happiness Joy's job?

''Okay, I admit that sounded confusing." he chuckles as he puts away his handkerchief. ''What I meant is that my purpose is to keep Riley, and everything that makes her happy or helps pave the way to happiness, safe. This includes the safety of Joy, Anger, Disgust and yours too." he says, and I can only look at him in awe.

He sounded just like Dad did.

''But I don't make her happy…"

''Well, not yet at least. Me, Joy, Anger, Disgust, all of us have a part in Riley's happiness. I don't know which part of it is yours, but I'm sure you have one. And since you do have one, you are under good ol' Fear's care. Understood?"

I did.

He was ready when I suddenly hugged him tightly, as he hugged back too. I was crying for a third time tonight, wetting his frail body and clothes with tears. I felt him lean in to whisper.

''I know that you are afraid that you have no purpose here, but don't worry. You will find it sooner or later." then he chuckled good-heartedly and hugged me even tighter.

I was smiling too. It felt also very nice.

''Now go, sleep. You deserve it."

From that day, Fear was a real friend of mine. He tried to use my help at the console as much as he could, much to the confusion of others. We talked, even joked sometimes. I even helped him calm down when he was panicking. I listened to his problems, and he did to mines too.

I still didn't know for a long time why I was part of the Head Quarters, but I knew that I will find the answer. Especially with an understanding friend as Fear.

In the end, only Fear itself could understand my fear of purposelessness.