She sat in the darkness of the room in the chair with her earbuds in and her Pandora account blaring the music she always turned to when her life was in shambles. She stared at her phone. She wanted to text him so badly. It'd been almost a year since they had last spoken. Back when shit really hit the fan and everything was destroyed. She'd done awful and horrible things to him prior to their breakup and period of non-contact. She knew his number by heart, one of three numbers she actually had memorized, but she couldn't call or text him. She was too ashamed. She couldn't forget him, no matter what she did. Her friends told her she was crazy. Everyday for that year she thought about him at some point. Especially in her dreams. Her insomnia had been at a fever pitch because of the dreams plaguing her. She'd put him through hell for no reason. She had chosen someone above him at every turn. She had basically spit in his face at every opportunity and showed no remorse for it. Between the memories of what she'd done to him and the memories of their good times, she couldn't stop thinking about him. Wondering what he was doing, how he was, what songs he was into these days...
She sighed. She knew he hated her. He wasn't thinking about her. The guy she'd embarrassed and insulted him constantly had proven her to be a fool and she was reeling from the downfall of that situation. She hated admitting being wrong, her strong ego and sense of pride held her back from admitting fault and being wrong constantly. Her drive for perfection also stood in her way of admitting failure. She had failed. Miserably failed. Her heart was broken; not from the failure with her most recent ex because she was free from his shackles of 8 years. Her heart was broken over him, she had destroyed him over a childish dream and had lost friends who saw the truth but she was soooo positive she was right, but she wasn't. She sat in the darkness and realized that she'd turned on true love. He'd stood by her through all of her bullshit, lies, and games. Who could love someone that terrible? She thought about ending it all, but she couldn't. Something always held her back from actually doing it. She ripped her hair out at the root as she thought about him. Everything hurt her. Thinking about his smile, his laugh, she avoided listening to certain songs he loved, avoided places they used to go together out of fear of seeing him. She craved his touch more than anything. She wanted to hold him. She needed to feel his skin touch hers like they used to be. Maybe he'd see her for who she was now, not the monster she was in the past. It was a hopeless dream. He'd never see her as anything but a monster who destroyed him at every possible turn...
She cried as she thought about how they used to lay together; her head resting on his bare chest listening to his heart beat. His hand stroking her side and occasionally hitting a spot that made her tingle. They were wrap their legs in a weave pattern and just lay there. Listening to music, watching an old movie, talking, or just sitting in silence watching the smoke of the incense twist towards the ceiling. She hated everything about herself. She had reinvented herself and had taken off the rose colored glasses. She only thought about one man. She only craved one man. It was hopeless. She sat back and turned up the music as she began to sob into her hands. She needed him. She always needed him. It was a lost cause at this point. He was gone and she was alone. She'd accepted it...
Take It All BackJudah & The Lion
You know I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
You know I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
I'm waking up
Hey, my life is real great, feel I'm well on my way to my dreams coming true
And I'm getting to do with you
And it feels so nice when the people sing along
They're singing along with the banjo
But I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
You know I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
I'm waking up
And one day we might have a big house with nice cars and fancy clothes
And a wife with a big ol' diamond ring
'Cause the people they dancing along, they dancing along to the mando'
And some sort of hip-hop beat
But I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
And I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
But I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
And I'd take it all back, take it all back, take it all back
I'd take it all back just to have you
I'm waking up
I'm waking up
Hey, my life is real great, feel I'm well on my way to my dreams coming true true true
And I'm getting to do with you