Disclaimer: Obviously, Naruto isn't mine.

"stupid perverted-hermit," mumbled Naruto. He had been digging through the abandoned library for days, looking for god knows what.
"You'll know it when you see it!" Jiraiya had said, then turned and giggled perversely as he went outside to continue working on the next Icha Icha book.

Naruto shook his head, and picked up the next scroll to read the title: "Jutsu for sending a message into the past."

He did a double take. This had to be it!

He unrolled it and began reading. It involved a exceedingly long but not particularly complex series of seals, which would have to be modified based on when and where the message should appear. It also required a rather large amount of chakra, not that that mattered to Naruto. Unfortunately, the scroll warned, the technique could only be used by a person once in their lifetime.

Naruto paused to think. What could he change with a message?

Sasuke!

He'd promised Sakura that he would bring him back, but if Sasuke had never left, that would work too, right?

But how? That stupid snake sage would stop at . . . snakes! Lots of people were afraid of snakes, right? If only Sasuke were too. Could it be done?

Naruto's thoughts ground on, not covering much ground, but eventually . . .

Didn't that crazy proctor lady use snakes? Maybe he could send a message warning her, and asking her to help? No. That wouldn't work, she'd never believe it. But maybe if he threatened Sasuke?

Naruto grinned and went to work.

~~

Anko had just finished a long, LONG day patrolling Konoha. Since the Uchiha massacre just a few weeks ago, half the ninja in the village had been assigned to police patrols, while still having to maintain their usual mission quota. It was exhausting. She collapsed onto her bed.

There was a bright flash of light, and Anko tensed, ready for anything, but seeing nothing but a paper floating down to the floor. Cautiously, she got up to take a closer look.

i will get Saske! believe it! as he isnt afraid of snakes.
love, Orouchimuro.

Anko stared at the message. Then broke out laughing before crumpling it up, and tossing it in the trash. Someone thought they were very funny, and if she ever found out who, she'd treat them to a fun time. Well, it would be fun for her at least.

But, come to think of it, that Uchiha brat had been rather down since his family was killed. Completely understandable, but maybe a few pranks might help bring him back? Besides, it'd be good training!

Anko smiled. She had a new hobby!

Sasuke came home from a hard evening training, practicing what he'd learned at the Academy earlier that day. He quickly showered and made his way to his bedroom, prepared for a good rest before resuming tomorrow.

On his bed was a snake.

Just a little one - about 2 feet long, about as thick as his thumb. He examined it closer, and identified it as a non-venomous constrictor. He grabbed the blanket and started wrapping it up, thinking he could just toss it outside, when the snake darted forward like a bolt of lighting, slithered up his arm and in an instant had dug its teeth into his shoulder and its body wrapped around his neck.

Sasuke's scream was cut off as it began choking him.

The next day it was in his cereal. The day after that in the shower. The third day in his laundry.

Soon, he could feel it, always there, always watching, always attacking like lightning when he least expected it. Each time he barely escaped with his life.

He'd complained to his academy teachers, who started at him incredulously. He'd complained to his ANBU guards, who only laughed at him. He'd even complained to the Hokage, who raised his eyebrows and told him that he should be able to handle a simple snake on his own.

He was learning to fear the long slithery creatures.

Finally! He'd done it! He could breath easily. He could relax. The snake was gone! He'd defeated it it that morning. He'd thrown it out of his apartment, and rather than slithering back in, it sulked off, no doubt nursing its wounds and looking for easier prey.

He smiled and went to his bedroom, preparing to finally get some much needed rest.

No sooner had he opened his door than his faced turned white and he froze.

There, on his bed, eight feet long and thicker than his fist, was another snake.

Sasuke tried to slowly back out of the room, but it was too late; the snake had seen him.

Shortly after Team 7's inception, Sakura and Naruto had noted how snakes seemed to follow Sasuke around, springing ambushes the instant he let his guard down. When after several attempts, Naruto had managed to catch one, it seemed quite friendly and tame, deigning to eat a rodent straight out of his hand. With friends like these helping him train, it was no wonder Sasuke had been best in the class. Naruto and Sakura had quickly struck a deal, which the snake seemed somehow to understand, offering food for the same training as Sasuke. They'd learn how to handle being ambushed, and probably increase their observation skills as well. It'd be great!

It was extremely odd how Sasuke always screamed and fled whenever one appeared, though, but that was probably part of his more advanced training.

Sasuke had been twitching since the moment that weird proctor had shown up. Neither Naruto nor Sakura had any guess as to why. If he kept it up, they'd ask him about it after their meal. The Forest of Death was definitely no place for any of the problems that kind of twitching suggested.

Those plans disappeared immediately when a giant Snake, its head big enough to easily eat an elephant, flew from the dense forest and swallowed Naruto in one lightning attack. Sakura immediately pulled out her Kunai and attacked. Naruto, after a moments shock began trying to beat his way out of the snake's stomach. When that failed, he started creating clones. Lots and lots of clones.

Sasuke . . . Sasuke pissed himself . . . then fainted.

Orochimaru brought his hand up to cover his eyes and shook his head. The Uchiha Heir was worthless. He'd have to call off his plans for now. Half a decade of careful groundwork all gone to waste because the brat turned out to be a pathetic weakling.
Oh well. Its said that no plan survives contact with the enemy. Perhaps one of the Uchiha's children would show some actual promise.