I needed a break from my other fics, so I wrote this one. And this one proved to be very hard challenge. At first, I intended to write the character as Bookman, but then I thought Lavi had a lot of conflicts, so why not write him? And tada, a fic about him!
Right now I'm thinking if I should write Lenalee and Kanda and the others as well, but Kanda is really hard to write, because you don't know what to write about him. But I'll tackle each person one by one, for now, Lavi is the hardest one. But we'll see.
Disclaimer: I don't own D. Gray-Man.
A Bookman has no need for a heart.
'Lavi' had repeated it for the rest of his life when the old man had told him.
At first, he didn't understand what that quote mean because he was young at that time, too naive to comprehend what that world really meant.
But little by little, he did understand.
It didn't mean literally, it was a saying that meant you should not care for anything else from now on. The Bookman clan exist for the sole purpose of recording the real history behind everything. Having a heart could ruin everything, weaving lies and bringing shame to the clan.
It was hard, trying to not have a heart. He practiced from fake smiles, to fake emotions, and then to fake words. He faked everything and slowly, he had became a man with no heart, just like what the Bookman had told him. He had abandoned his real name and created his own alias.
Many had failed while trying to become a Bookman, he had learned. They had a heart, they cared for someone, and that's the reason they failed.
When Bookman had decided to switch sides, from the Noah Clan to the Black Order, 'Deak' had been erased, and 'Lavi' had been born.
The moment he laid eyes on Lenalee Lee, he knew that he was failing.
The Order was interesting, they were a bunch of soldiers that were in the middle of the war, and yet they still had time for relaxation. Especially the Science Division, they were funny and helpful. Everyone was smiling freely and so carelessly, 'Lavi' had been jealous, since he had to act like he was their allies.
Meeting Lenalee Lee and Yu Kanda had made it more difficult.
Lenalee cared for him, even if she knew he was acting. She still accepted it and provided him company as a sister. 'Lavi' admired her because even though she hated the Innocence since it ruined her own life and also her brother, she still accepted it.
Yu Kanda was a different case, he was funny to annoy. Ever since he discovered he hated his given name with a vengeance, he had riled the exorcist up with a simple word: Yu-chan. He had learned the truth behind his past, and he wondered how could he still be standing there without collapsing under what he had been through.
Before he could realize it, he came to the point where he didn't know his smiling face is a lie or not.
It was a fatal mistake, the panda had warned him, he couldn't let it slip again.
So he kept everything in control again, fake smiles and empty words, trying so hard to make himself to stop slipping.
And then the Noah of Dreams, Road Kamelot, had slipped into his mind, and everything was fucked up again.
His feelings had betrayed him. He was torn between thinking them as small pieces of history or his friends.
It was hard, like you were the string of a tug of war game, both ends trying to pull you to their sides, and you felt like you're gonna snap and ripped in half.
'Lavi' had struggled so much, trying to comprehend what should he do. And for the first time of his life, he had doubted his duties as a successor of the Bookman clan. He had asked himself, along with his past selves, what he should do. He wanted to cry out for help but he couldn't let anyone get into his heart.
And then, suddenly, it wasn't so hard at all.
Because he was a human.
Even if he was a member of the Bookman clan, he was still a human. And every human has a heart, no matter how hard they wished they don't have one.
He had asked himself, why did human failed to bring an end to war? Why does it never end? Why did human bring sadness to themselves? Why not live together in peace?
The answer was simple: Because they had a heart. They fought for what they loved, to protect them and give them a better life, a life with no sadness and no more pain. They made flaws, because they were human.
He, along with his 48 alias, is a single man.
'Lavi' is a Bookman, he is a man with no heart.
But he is also a human, he is a man that is starting to change. For better or for worse, it is an answer that only he himself will find out one day.
Lavi was hard to write because I can't wrap my mind up about why did he stab Deak, what will he do and so many more. I was literally pulling my hair until I re-read the chapter and he asked 'himself' why did human failed to bring an end to war. In the end, I wrote it with this.
I don't know whenever I should see this fic as good or bad, the end left a kinda bad taste in my mouth.
Oh yeah, when I wrote the part where Lavi laid eyes on Lenalee, it didn't mean like romantically, it was like "In that moment, Lavi knew...he fucked up." kinda thing. You can also see it as romantically or whatever, the choice is all yours, not mine..
See you guys next time.