Worth
oOo
He's not going to survive this.
Regulus Black knows this as well as the house-elf beside him who's looking up at him with the utmost concern. Strange. Regulus has never been more aware of his heartbeats, the pounding of his heart and the blood rushing in his veins until he's on this rickety boat.
Are we close? he asks his elf who nods fearfully, those ball-like eyes wide and watery.
Kreacher, he says, it's going to be OK as long as you follow my instructions.
The house-elf sniffles. Master Regulus, Master don't need to do this.
I need to.
For who? bawls the elf. Kreacher's poor Mistress Black will cry her eyes out. She will be so heartbroken -
I know, says Regulus listlessly. He doesn't know either, why he's here. Shouldn't he be comforting his heartbroken Mother who's still mourning his dead father? Dimly, as Regulus steps onto the bank, closer to his goal, he wonders what he would be doing now. Surely, Sirius would know of their father's death? The death of the House of Black's patriach was all over the thrice-damned Daily Prophet. Regulus wonders if his death would be all over the news too. The death of the younger son- no, the only son.
Sirius has been disowned two years ago. And he's been very happy about the fact.
Master? Kreacher's voice breaks the silence.
Regulus looks down at his faithful house-elf, the only friend he has left, the only true friend he's ever had. He knows his friends and Housemates laugh at him when he says that Kreacher is his best friend and they think it's pathetic and Regulus remembers being deeply ashamed about Kreacher, he also remembers being completely horrid to the house-elf in his youth to avoid the shame until-
Oh the irony when Sirius tells him to treat Kreacher as he likes and not to bow down to his Housemates expectations when Sirius hates Kreacher the most-
Sirius.
Why's he thinking about his blood-traitor of a brother who walked out on him and his whole family without even a damned goodbye?
Why is that goodbye so important to Regulus anyway?
What is Sirius' worth?
Regulus' hands are shaking as he dips the conjured cup into the deadly water. Remember my order, Kreacher, says Regulus firmly and he marvels at how cool he sounded even though something in him is fighting against his body's actions with all its worth -it loses and Regulus gulps down the poison. He gasps at the burning sensation down his throat - he's expected that feeling because Kreacher has described it well.
It doesn't hurt, Regulus firmly tells himself as he dips the cup into the basin and refilled it with the poison again, ignoring Kreacher's ragged sobs.
What hurts, then? A soft and sinister voice hisses in his mind.
A memory - fresh and raw - surfaces without being summon and Regulus remembers waking up when he hears his mother's screech of rage, then he's running down the stairs, sees his mother's wand blasting his brother's face off the family tree, and he remembers the icy winter wind biting into his cheek as he's standing outside Grimmauld Place, seeing his brother's fading footprints that has yet to be erased by the hail and snow.
The ultimate betrayal to their family -to Regulus.
It's painful. Is it the memory or the poison? Regulus has no idea but he hopes it's the poison because he doesn't even want to begin to understand why it hurts so much when Sirius left without saying goodbye.
Regulus crumples, falling to all fours, moaning weakly. It hurts so bad. His throat's crazy sore and he needs water. He raises his wand, whispers the Aguamenti spell into his conjured cup that Kreacher's holding up, but the water disappears just as the cup reaches his lips. He tries another few more times and he knows then, when the water disappears for the sixth time and Kreacher shrieks in frustration, that this is the end.
It hurts.
He tells Kreacher to go back because he knows his house-elf has a higher chance of surviving than he does even if he makes it out of the cave, and someone out there needs to know -needs to know that Regulus has done his best, that there is a way to defeat Voldemort, that there is hope, and there's good in this world-
Just like there's white in black. Like Sirius, the white sheep of their family.
Rasping weakly, Regulus crawls to the edge of the water; ripples break across the surface when he dips the cup in and he only manages one gulp before white, white hands emerge and drag him into the water.
Go, Kreacher!
A loud, body-wracking sob and his house-elf is gone. Regulus catches one last glimpse of the surface of white stone and crystal before he's pulled down.
I... am going to die.
Are you serious? Another snide voice, one that sounds suspiciously like his older brother, taunts.
Regulus knows he's not Sirius, not his brave brother, but this is really the best he can do. There are a lot of things Regulus can think of- and his life certainly flashes before his eyes- but in every memory, every thought, there's Sirius and right now, above every other time like when he scrapes his knee and breaks a leg and needs Sirius to carry him home, he wants his brother here, by his side, to tell him like when they were kids and things are going to be OK.
Sirius... Regulus can not forget the one raid where he and his brother had came face-to-face. Of course Sirius didn't know, Regulus is wearing a mask and he's just so good at hiding. He remembers seeing Sirius' blood splattering from Severus' Sectumsempra and he remembers seeing red and the rage-
How much is Sirius' worth? This earlier question that he's asks himself, he's finally ready to answer it:
My life.
oOo
The Dementors are outside his cell day and night, feeding off on his soul. Anytime now, Sirius thinks, that he's going to lose his soul and he's going to be a raving and screaming lunatic like his cousin Bella and her insane husband.
There are many things Sirius should think of now that he's losing everything- perhaps he should reminiscence of the time when he met James, Remus and even Peter? Or perhaps how utterly fulfilling it is to see his mother's face turn red in anger as she screams at him and he yells right back? Or when he sees his father's silent disapproval- or apathy because his father has never shown much of his thoughts or emotions.
There's someone he's forgetting. Little Reg.
Regulus- it's odd to think that every memory he shuffles through, his brother's face will always come back. He doesn't know why, but he doesn't think he'll be sorry if the Dementors suck out this thought, this bittersweet memory of Regulus' smile- how long, Sirius asks himself, has it been since he's seen his baby brother's smile?
It hurts a little to remember Regulus smiling at him and suddenly, he's not anymore. Better the memory long begone -better he never knows what he's missed out on because what he might have had is too painful for him to consider.
How much is the memory of Regulus worth?
Sirius doesn't know but he finds himself struggling to think about something else because he's scarily certain that he doesn't want to forget Regulus and his smile.
oOo
It doesn't understand why. It's painful, very painful to stand outside this man's cell day and night and continue because there's something in the air that it doesn't like. The Dementors moan lowly, their mouths opening and hollowing as they inhale their daily meal- it who guards the cell of this Sirius Black moans in despair and longing. Sirius' soul never feeds it - it is as if Sirius Black has no soul, as if something's hiding it.
It, the Dementor, doesn't understand why there's an invisible cackle in the air when it approaches Sirius Black. When it goes close enough, it can scent the soul beneath, unseen, by skin and bone but it cannot suck it out.
Some days, it thinks that it sees someone, a ghostly image that is neither human nor fellow dementor, standing beside the human who's soul it can't take. Something like black, white and green and silver flickering in and out.
Strange. Fey.
It can see human emotions, can feel them but even after it has sucked out the souls of so many, it still doesn't really get what love is.
Why love someone who'd walked out on you?
Humans, it thinks, are strange. It doesn't understand and it doesn't think it can.
oOo
Spur of the moment fic. Really weird. Just basically my own version as to why Sirius' sanity was not affected.