Good Enough

by salianne

Summary: AU - Noah has regrets. Luke doesn't. Reid is just...in between. Have a tissue nearby kids.

Title: Good Enough

Author: Salianne

Pairing: Luke/Noah; Luke/Reid

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Noah has regrets. Luke doesn't.

Disclaimer: Sadly - I don't own the boys - this is just for fun.

Warnings: REID REID REID - and he's a good guy! Also, the usual...angst and m/m lovin'. Also - the timeline goes from past to present - hopefully it won't get to confusing. This is some canon mixed with some AU. Oh - and did I mention ANGST?

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"Let me get you another pillow." Luke fussed over the man who had shared his life for the last three-plus years. "You look like you need a little more support."

"Please stop with the nursemaid routine, you're making me crazy." His lover snapped. "Don't you have something better to do than hang around here and bother me?"

Luke cocked his head and tried not to smirk. "Am I bothering you?"

He watched as his other-half fought against the smile that was creeping onto his face before he finally gave in and let go of his defenses. He crossed his arms and huffed through the tiny grin. "No."

Luke couldn't help feeling bad. The man who was usually large-and-in-charge was sitting helplessly in a hospital bed waiting for the moment he will be wheeled away to have his head cut open. Luke could see that he was terrified and felt completely out of control. He understood the complicated man he was now petting soothingly on the thigh - and he expected the arrogant-bastard-part of him to surface like a protective shield.

He was ready for it.

"No. Of course I'm not bothering you. You big ass." He also knew that the only way to keep his man calm was to give him shit right back. "Maybe if you spent less time picking on your boyfriend you would have more time to..."

"To what?" The nervous patient snapped. "More time to stroke my boyfriend's ego? I think he gets enough of that already." He couldn't even look at Luke while he said it. He was staring at the far wall of the small hospital room with his arms crossed protectively over his chest.

Luke's heart was breaking. Not from the verbal ass-kicking he had been getting for the last few days as they geared up for the surgery - but from knowing where it came from. He's so afraid. God.

"Baby. Please look at me." Luke tenderly brushed his finger tips along the contours of his partner's thin face. "Look at me."

Luke's eyes immediately welled when the terrified eyes turned to face him. He saw the defiance and anger that was only a mask used to cover up the fact that the man behind those eyes was scared out of his mind. Luke scooted closer and pulled his man into his arms. Just let it out. "It's okay to be scared."

It was like he had been waiting for it - the permission to feel it - the safety to be vulnerable. The only place he had ever found it - safety - was in Luke. The combination of the rumble of Luke's voice and the feel of his warmth surrounding him like a security blanket was the key that unlocked his emotional vault. He buried himself deeper into the smell of Luke's body and breathed deeply before he felt the tears finally fall freely onto the cotton that covered Luke's skin.

He suddenly needed to feel that skin so he slid his hands underneath Luke's t-shirt and skimmed his boyfriend's bare back with his palms. His boiling emotional stew reduced to a simmer as he felt overwhelmingly grateful to be loved so much by the man holding him. He smashed his wet face into Luke's chest and sighed. "You know how much I love you?"

It was a question that Luke expected and he answered it the same way he always does when the storm calms enough for the other fear to kick in - the fear of being abandoned. "Of course I do. Your mood swings don't fool me."

"Say it."

Luke smiled and pulled his man a little closer. "I love you, too."

Luke felt the body he was holding relax a little. He suppressed the lump in his throat when he noticed that he could feel bones where he used to feel muscle and the slightest bit of fat. Luke silently admitted to himself that he was scared out of his mind too.

Then he heard it. The muffled sound that made him feel like he was crumbling into a million pieces inside.

"I'm so scared, Luke."

Oh god. Please keep it together. He needs you.

"I know you are, Baby," Luke soothed. He kissed the bald head of his lover and took a few seconds to steady his voice. "You're going to be fine. You have the best neurosurgeon money can buy."

"Second best."

Luke smiled and felt a little relief. "There's my guy."

He heard doubt seep into his partner's voice. "Money can't solve all your problems, Luke."

"You've been saying that to me since the first moment we met." Luke reminded him. "And what do I always say?"

He felt the slightest chuckle huff across his chest before he heard the sing-song, mocking tone of the man he fell in love with. The man who wouldn't let cancer dull his edges. "Money can't solve all your problems, but it can make it easier to find the solutions. Or something like that."

"Right." Luke gently lifted Reid's face so he could kiss his chapped lips. "We'll get through this. The world isn't done with you yet, Dr. Oliver."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Luke stood outside of the examination room. He knew he shouldn't be listening, but he was frozen on the spot when he heard what they were talking about. His heart was racing from the combination of complete confusion and a sudden need to follow through on what he started during his trip to Dallas.

It had been building for a while - something simmering below the surface. But during the time he spent with Dr. Oliver - Reid - in Dallas he realized that what he was feeling was more than simple curiosity or animal attraction.

He was pretty sure he loved Reid Oliver.

He also knew that his heart was still beating for Noah. He had loved Noah for so long, he didn't know how to feel any other way about him.

It was all so confusing.

Which is why he was clear-as-mud when he told Reid that there was nothing between them...after he kissed him. He almost convinced himself, as he tried to convince Reid, that it was just a weird emotional reaction to the relief he felt for his friend after the medical review board cleared him.

That's it.

Just friends.

And Reid completely agreed. He said there was nothing to it. Luke was his patient's boyfriend and he was crystal clear on the boundaries.

Luke was still trying to figure out why he had made sure to remind Reid that Noah wasn't his boyfriend anymore.

But he had to admit that he agreed with Reid's assessment of his current status with Noah. 'As soon as he can see he'll be begging for you.'

And was it regret he saw burning beneath the cocky facade of that incredible smile?

But now as he stood outside of a door he shouldn't be anywhere near and he listened to Reid say all of the things he himself had been denying for longer than he is willing to admit - he found himself wondering why the hell he was holding back.

"I'm just surprised you two managed to make it to Dallas and back without a major scrimmage." Noah teased awkwardly.

"Luke was amazing - I'm glad he was there." Reid admitted freely.

"Luke?" Noah's tone changed subtly, but Luke recognized the jealousy - even through the barrier of the door. "When did you start calling him by his first name?"

"Is that a problem, Noah?" Reid asked icily. Luke recognized it - Reid was gearing up for one of his life-lessons-through-arrogance.

Luke wondered when he got to know Reid so well.

"No. Of course it's not a problem - it's just that you guys could barely stand to be in the same room before and..."

"You sound jealous." Reid jabbed.

Noah cringed. "I'm not jealous. We broke up - remember?"

"Oh yeah - that's right. You dumped your hot, devoted boyfriend who would move heaven and earth for you because..." Reid paused dramatically. "...why exactly did you dump him?"

"You think he's hot?"

He thinks I'm hot?

"What - you don't?" Reid was in full-on-asshole-mode.

Luke liked it.

Which he thought was weird.

"I...uh...yeah...of course...but..." Noah was caught off guard. "...he's also controlling and impulsive and always takes the easy way..."

"Which you take full advantage of when it suits your needs." Reid pointed out.

"Excuse me?" Noah was uncharacteristically shrill.

"Face facts, Noah. You wouldn't have the best neurosurgeon in the world working tirelessly to free you from your darkness of it weren't for your impulsive, controlling boyfriend - sorry, EX-boyfriend - who took the easy way out to bribe me into taking on your case." Reid talked while he checked Noah's pupils with a pen light. "Wow - you're a selfish bastard, Noah. Welcome to the club."

Luke's mouth was hanging open from pleasurable shock. You're not selfish Reid.

"It's not like I don't appreciate everything Luke's done for me, Dr. Oliver." Noah defended himself. "I just need to be on my own to learn..."

"You need. You need. You need. I've heard it already, Noah. Have you thought about what Luke needs? He loves you and he's just as scared and freaked out about all of this as you are and he has needs too. Did you ever ask him how he feels? Did you ever bother to ask what it feels like to watch the person you love more than anything, struggle? Did you ever consider figuring out how you could both get what you need together?" Reid wasn't holding back.

Luke was smiling. No one had ever defended him like this before. Reid got it.

He really gets it.

Noah was stunned to silence.

"You know what it is, Noah?" Reid asked. "I think I've figured you out a little. You don't want to deal with what Luke needs - so you just break-up with him so you don't have to. But you also know how much Luke loves you - so you know when you're better - and thanks to Luke you will be - you know he'll be there. Isn't that how this works? You get to have him when you want him and you get to put him in the back of the closet when it's too much trouble. And he'll be all wide-eyed and happy when you throw him a smile and invite him back to your bed and you know it. It's selfish - but brilliant. We should all be so lucky. Oh wait. That's right. You're not lucky - Luke is a pain in the ass who holds you back and controls your life. Sorry."

Luke's mind was spinning. Wow.

He heard Noah's voice and the sound of it didn't make his heart ache for a change - until he heard the words. "You don't know Luke."

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

"He's...there's just...I mean he's so much to take and sometimes I need...less of...his...Lukeness." Noah struggled to explain something he clearly didn't understand himself. "And technically he broke up with me."

Oh. So that's what he means. I'm only tolerable in small doses.

Of all the roller-coaster emotions he has felt during his life with Noah - feeling used was never one of them. Until now.

"He did what he knew you wanted." Reid wrote something in Noah's chart before clicking his pen and shoving it into his pocket. "Just like you knew he would. Push him hard enough and he always does the hard part for you - right Noah?"

"Dr. Oliver, with all due respect..."

Reid cut him off. "Keep up the therapy, Noah. If thing keep moving along like this we should have you in and out of surgery within a month."

Before Noah could respond, Reid spun around - his white lab coat flaring dramatically - and hurried out of the room.

And right into Luke.

Luke grabbed Reid by the wrist and pulled him toward an empty examination room. "We need to talk."

"You heard that?" Reid asked nervously.

Luke pulled him through the door and pushed him against the back of it after it whooshed closed before he answered Reid's question. "Every single word."

And then he kissed him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Luke leaned into the ice machine as he watched the tiny pellets spray into the pink plastic bucket. He was relieved to have an excuse to take a few minutes for himself. He did some deep breathing and willed himself to not fall apart. Not yet. Reid needs me.

"Luke?"

Luke turned when he heard the familiar rumble of Noah's voice. "Hey, you."

Luke sounded exhausted. Noah noticed. "How's he doing?"

"You heard about Reid?" How?

"I called your mom for Mother's Day and she didn't sound right. I only had to ask her twice and she sort of had a mini-meltdown." He looked at Luke with sincere concern. "How is he?"

"Um." Luke swallowed. He felt a little off balance standing a foot away from his first-love while he held melting ice pellets for his very, very sick forever-love. "He's...he's...he'll be glad to see you."

"Why aren't you answering my question?" Noah asked.

Luke gripped the pink-plastic tighter and let out a frustrated breath. "You can ask him. Just let me tell him he has a visitor before you come in - he likes to prepare."

Luke started toward Reid's room and felt Noah's long fingers wrap around his wrist as he passed. "How are you holding up, Luke?"

He sighed and closed his eyes for only a second before he pulled away from Noah's loose grip and walked away.

That's all the answer Noah needed. Oh god.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"You're so good at that." Luke moaned with appreciation as he wrapped himself around Reid's back until he couldn't get any closer.

"Practice makes perfect." Reid boasted. "Just like med school, Luke - see one, do one, teach one."

Luke huffed a chuckle into Reid's ear. "So you're teaching me?"

"You've definitely improved your technique over the last month under my tutelage." Reid smiled as he leaned into Luke's warm body.

"As I recall, you were literally screaming your approval of my technique the first time I..."

"I was merely applauding your effort." Reid interrupted.

"Face it, doc." Luke nipped Reid's shoulder playfully. "I managed to teach you a few tricks, too."

"We'll see what Noah says. I promise you he'll notice a significant improvement in your..."

Luke smacked Reid's chest while he interrupted. "Why do you do that?"

"What?"

"Ruin a perfectly good afterglow with your misplaced insecurity..." Luke was beginning to feel like a broken record.

"We're just fucking, Luke. You're scratching an itch until your boyfriend pulls his head out of his ass again and..."

"He's not my boyfriend." Luke said for the millionth time.

"Neither am I." Reid clarified. "This..." Reid gestured with his hand waving over Luke's hip. "...doesn't mean anything."

Luke sighed and stroked Reid's thigh soothingly. "I'm not getting back together with Noah. So stop trying to get rid of me." He kissed Reid's neck. "Sorry Bub - but you're stuck with me."

Reid momentarily lost his mask. "We'll see."

Luke crawled over his lover's body so he they were laying face-to-face. "Yeah. We will." He said as grabbed Reid's face between his palms. "Babe. I'm here. Okay? You can trust this."

Luke watched as Reid searched for the truth in his eyes. He was still surprised every time he saw the vulnerability peek through Reid's usual arrogant facade. "I promise."

Luke closed the distance between them until they were tangled up in one of their wet, deep kisses. He hated how insecure Reid was and hoped that once Noah's surgery was over and they told him about their relationship - Reid would trust it more. Because Luke was in love with the man currently sucking his tongue like it was his favorite treat.

Luke also found his feelings for Reid surprising. He thought he would only feel this kind of love for Noah. But what he felt for Reid was almost better. Which was another a surprise. What he felt for Reid was mature. Solid. Secure. It felt realer than it had ever felt with his hesitant, on-again-off-again ex.

Reid felt like marriage material.

Luke needed Reid to believe it.

Because Luke needed Reid.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Luke gently skimmed his fingers over his partner's hairless head. "You awake?"

Reid stirred before he opened his bleary eyes. "Hi." He smiled weakly which cause Luke's throat to close up with emotion.

"Hi Beautiful." Luke kissed Reid's dry lips softly. "I brought ice and a visitor."

"Ice?" Reid looked relieved. "Yay..."

Luke grinned at his man's weak attempt at sarcasm. He smoothed the sheet across Reid's chest. "You want me to feed you, My Lord?"

"You're perfect." Reid blurted while he gripped Luke's wrists tightly. "I love you so much."

These sudden, unexpected moments of profound gratefulness always caught Luke off guard. He noticed that Reid had these random bursts of sentiment more often.

It made him nervous.

"I love you too, Bubby." Luke swallowed hard to keep from crying. "What color do you want to wear for your visitor?" He wanted to change the subject - anything to distract them from this moment of unspoken recognition that these could be some of their last moments together.

Reid recognized the tactic and understood immediately that Luke needed to breathe. "Depends on who it is. Boy or girl?" He wanted to take the pain out of Luke's eyes.

Luke knew what Reid was doing and loved him even more for it. "Boy."

"Oh! A boy!" Reid played the flirt. "Cute?"

"You've been known to call him handsome in the past." Luke grinned. "He's your favorite patient."

That's all the clue he needed. "Noah's here?"

"Yep." Luke scooped up some ice in a plastic spoon and held it to Ried's lips. "Open."

Reid didn't argue. He gratefully took the cold, wet nuggets into his dry mouth. "Mmmm. So good. Thank you."

Luke scooped another spoonful and waited for Reid to let him know when he was ready. "Color?"

"Blue of course." Reid winked. "To match his dreamy eyes."

"Ass." Luke laughed while he carefully spooned more ice into his man's mouth.

Once he had the blue bandana wrapped around Reid's head and two more spoonfuls of ice into his mouth, Luke went to get Noah from the hall. Reid steadied himself to see his former patient, feeling uncomfortable with the odd role-reversal. The last time he and Noah were in a hospital at the same time, Noah was in the bed and Reid was his medical miracle-worker.

That was well over three years ago. They had only seen each other three time since then. Once for the one-year follow-up exam and twice at Snyder family functions. Despite the fact that his lover was Noah's ex and they rarely spent time in the same room - Reid considered Noah his friend. He always got the feeling that Noah felt the same way, too.

And now Noah was here to see him. Reid felt like that was a sure sign that he was dying.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What do you think you're doing?"

Luke looked up from his pillow and tried to figure out what the hell that was supposed to mean. "Well. Let's see - pillow, blanket, boyfriend...looks like I'm getting ready for a good night's sleep."

"I'm not you're boyfriend." Reid crossed his arms and glared.

"What's wrong?" Luke asked while he propped himself on his elbows. "We just had amazing sex and you're acting like a crazy-person. Now, get your ass into this bed and let's make-out until we fall asleep."

"You shouldn't assume that I want you to sleep here every time I fuck you." Reid didn't budge. "I want to sleep alone tonight."

"Where the hell is this coming from?" Luke sat up and tried to understand what was happening. Reid had just blown every circuit in his brain with what felt like the most intimate love-making he had ever experienced...ever. And now he was acting like they were fuck-buddies. "Reid, I always sleep here after we make-love."

Luke saw a flash of pain in Reid's eyes before he intensified his glare. "Whatever. Just go, Luke."

"Reid..."

"Luke. Please go. I'm sorry, but this is just too much for me. I'm not a relationship-kind-of-guy. I should have told you before we fucked - because that's all this is to me, Luke. Not love, not love-making - just sex with a super hot guy who needed a distraction. Consider yourself fully distracted and get the fuck out."

"Reid..."

"Get out, Mr. Snyder." Reid screamed before picking Luke's jeans from the pile on the floor and throwing them at him. "Now."

Luke watched Reid disappear into the bathroom while he struggled to make sense of what just happened.

He was pretty sure it had something to do with Noah getting his bandages off the following morning. My boyfriend is a stupid ass.

Luke dressed quickly and decided to give Reid some time to work it out.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Noah couldn't believe what he was seeing. Reid had always been smaller. Compared to Noah - Reid was tiny. But the man he was looking at in that hospital bed was so very small. He was all bones. His face was full of shadows. His skull was covered in a bright blue bandana which only made his skin seem more translucent.

He wished Luke would have warned him.

"Hey, Noah."

Even his voice was small. God. "Hi Dr. Oliver."

"Jesus, Noah. How long is it going to take to get you to call me Reid?"

"Sorry." Noah ducked his eyes. "Habit."

"You planning on coming in?" Reid asked. He patted his bed. "Come sit with me, Noah."

Noah stepped from the doorway and gently lowered his weight onto the edge of the bed near Reid's feet. "How are you feeling?"

"Like death." Reid quipped. He saw Noah flinch. "I'm kidding, Noah." He tried to put his mind at ease. "Sort of."

"Lily said you're having surgery." Noah wasn't sure why he was telling the man something he already knew.

"That's the plan. One more test tomorrow to clear me for take off." Reid explained. "Unfortunately the best neurosurgeon is out of commission - so I have some hack working on me."

Noah wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry. "I'm sure Luke wouldn't let that happen."

He watched Reid's eyes dim a little at the mention of Luke's name. "How's Sam?"

Noah shrugged. "Not sure. We broke up a few months ago."

"Oh." Reid leaned in a little. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not." Noah chuckled. "Sam was a prick."

Reid smiled conspiratorially. "That's what I heard."

They both laughed and said at the same time; "Lily."

After a few minutes of surprisingly comfortable silence, Reid fidgeted with his blanket nervously. "So how long are you staying in town?"

"A couple of weeks. Maybe a little longer."

"Good." Luke may need a friend. "It'll be nice to catch up a bit."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Okay, Noah." Reid took a deep breath. "Open up those blue beauties and let's see what we got."

Noah wasn't sure he was ready. What if it didn't work? He took a deep breath and steadied himself before he fluttered his eyes open. He closed them immediately to shield himself from the excruciatingly bright lights.

"Too bright?" Reid asked. He rushed to turn half of the lights off. "Let's try again."

"Dr. Oliver?" Noah wanted to cry. "I saw light."

"I noticed." Reid said.

"Oh my god." Noah smiled. "Luke. Are you in here?"

Luke stood in the corner of the room. He was crying. "I'm here."

"I saw light!"

"I know." Luke felt the burden of guilt and fear lift. "I know."

Reid stood in front of Noah. "Let's try to open your eyes again. I turned the lights down."

Noah opened his eyes again, this time they stayed opened and he blinked to clear his vision. Eventually he could focus on the man standing no more than two feet in front of him. He wasn't sure what he was expecting Dr. Oliver to look like - but he certainly wasn't expecting him to be so...cute. Wowza.

He looked around the room, trying to find Luke. When he finally saw him he gasped from how beautiful he looked. He realized how much he missed seeing those brown eyes looking back at him. "Luke." He almost whispered.

Reid cleared his throat. "Let me check a couple of things and then I'll leave you two to get reacquainted."

Three hours later Reid found himself stomping to his front door to scream at the asshole who wouldn't stop ringing his doorbell. "What the fuck...Luke?"

Luke was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed across his chest. "Oh. So you remember my name?"

Reid couldn't believe it. Luke was standing there. At his door. Looking at him with those mischievous eyes. Smirking. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to see my idiot boyfriend." Luke explained while he pushed Reid into the house with a palm to the chest. He kicked the door closed with his foot.

"Boyfriend?" Reid asked. He sounded skeptically hopeful.

Luke grabbed Reid by the front of his shirt and pulled him close. "Idiot."

Reid smiled.

"You think you could let me spend the night this time?" Luke asked while he pulled Reid's shirt from the neat tuck of his jeans. "I get so sleepy after my boyfriend blows me."

"You keep calling me your boyfriend but I don't think I ever asked you to go steady." Reid walked backward as he allowed Luke to push him toward the bedroom. They left a trail of clothes along the way.

"You're my boyfriend, asshole." Luke growled. He pushed Reid against the wall near the door of the bedroom. "You listen and you listen good, Reid Oliver..."

Reid was so turned on.

"...I love you. I. Love. You. You've been such a dumbass and it stops right now. I love you and you love me - even if you can't say it. We are together and I plan on keeping it that way until one of us is dead or demented. You got it?"

"So you won't love me if I get dementia?" Reid asked sarcastically.

"Shut up and kiss me." Luke purred.

Reid kissed him soundly before he lovingly cupped his face with his hand. "I want to hear about it."

Luke knew exactly what he meant. And Luke really needed to tell him about it - if for nothing else but to purge his heart from the ache he felt. The finality of his ending with Noah was as painful as it was liberating. But more than that, he needed to feel connected to Reid. He needed to feel the love he found in this beautiful man when he had finally let go of the guy who couldn't stop putting him on a shelf.

"Later. I'll tell you all about it later." Luke ran his palms down Reid's bare back, dipping his hands beneath the waistband of his briefs until he cupped his compact little cheeks in his hands.

Reid's face softened into compassionate concern. Luke's heart swelled at the sight of it. A part of him felt lucky to be privileged to see this side of the arrogant Dr. Reid Oliver. "Are you sure?"

Luke nuzzled into Reid's temple and nodded. "I'll always love Noah. He's my first...everything. But you...you're...god Babe...you're everything I never knew I needed. I promise to explain it all later. But right now I just want to...

"...I love you, too." Reid interrupted before he captured Luke's lips in his mouth and led them the rest of the way to his bed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It wasn't like he had never seen them together before. He had. Many times. Sometimes when he came to town for whatever reason he would see them out and he would hang back and just watch. He was both fascinated and heartbroken by how perfectly they fit together.

Noah thought it would be him who would complete Luke's puzzle.

Eventually.

But he waited too long to get it. He wasn't sure what made him think Luke would just be there – no matter what. It was naïve. It was selfish. Reid was right.

Noah just never thought Luke could be so happy with anyone else. Especially Reid Oliver. The man was intolerable.

But somehow they fit. And careful observation of the happy couple proved that Reid wasn't as intolerable as he led on.

Luke brought out the best in him.

And Noah realized a couple of years ago that he really loved seeing Luke through Reid's eyes.

Ironic.

But now. Sitting on the edge of a hospital bed looking at Luke Snyder doing what he's always done when people he loves are hurting – Noah felt none of the residual regret that he never seemed to be able to completely get rid of.

Luke was right where he belonged.

"Where are you staying?" Luke asked.

Hearing Luke's voice broke the spell of observation. "Where I always stay."

"They always love it when you visit." Luke referred to his parents. He was fussing over Reid's hospital gown, which had tangled into the tubing that delivered the various fluids hanging in bags all around him. "How do you always manage to get yourself hung up?" He teased the pale man who was the center of his attention.

"I do it just to irritate you." Reid snipped.

Luke grinned, but still looked sad. "Well, it's working."

"Would you stop!" Reid pushed Luke's hands away.

Luke sighed before he kissed the top of Reid's bandana covered head. "Grump."

"Ass." Reid pouted.

Noah smiled. They really were prefect for each other. "When is your surgery?" He asked, hoping to distract Luke from his urge to fuss.

Reid started fiddling with the tangle while he spoke. "Thursday if all goes well."

"Meaning?" Noah asked.

Luke answered this time. His hands were creeping closer to the ball of cotton and plastic tubing. "They need to make sure he's still stable – nothing's shifted or grown or migrated…or something like that."

Reid rolled his eyes. "Says the doctor." He was getting frustrated and making the knotted mess worse.

Luke playfully smacked Reid's hand away. "Geez, Babe. Would you just let me get this?"

Within a few seconds the tube was freed from its clump and Luke was smoothing down Reid's gown. "It's just a formality." Luke said, carrying on the conversation as if nothing happened. "He's in good shape."

Noah wasn't so sure about that. Reid looked like death. "That's a relief."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Noah almost couldn't believe it. He was looking across a dimly lit examination room and he could see. "Your hair looks good."

Luke was standing there – looking back at him as if he couldn't really believe it either. He shook his head and looked at his feet while he chuckled. His hands were in his pockets and he looked almost shy.

"Why are you standing so far away?" Noah asked flirtatiously.

Luke looked up and Noah could tell he had something on his mind. He stepped lightly across the room and wrapped his arms around Noah's shoulders. "I am so happy right now."

Noah could hear the emotion in Luke's voice. He pulled him closer and buried his face into that hair he didn't realize he missed so much. "I just want to sit in a room and look at you for a week." He pulled back so he could do just that. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too." Luke squeezed the back of Noah's neck before he backed away and put some space between them. "I need to tell you something."

"Okay." Noah was feeling fluttery and happy. "Let's go grab some lunch."

"Actually…" Luke suddenly couldn't look at him.

"Uh oh." Noah said playfully. "I know that look."

"Sit with me for a minute." Luke sat on the examination table and patted the space next to him.

Noah did as he was told. "Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to enjoy this conversation?"

"I'm just going to rip off the band-aide" Luke straightened his posture and took Noah's hand. "Noah. I'm seeing someone."

"Oh." Noah swallowed. "When? Why didn't you tell me? Who?" Noah struggled to make sense of what he had just heard. "What?"

Luke tried to answer all of his questions in a rush. "I didn't want to say anything until after your surgery. We both thought it was best for you to be fully focused on your therapy and getting better. We've been seeing each other since Dallas."

"Dallas?" Noah stammered. "Luke?"

Luke nodded, knowing that Noah had already pieced the rest of it together. "Why? Why him?"

"I honestly don't know. He's just…" Luke tried to find the answer. "…he just gets me in a way that I've never been gotten before."

"Seriously?" It came out sarcastic and bitter.

"I know." Luke squeezed his hand. "I am so sorry, Noah. It just…happened. You know I love you, right? I'll always love you. You're my heart – my family. You're so important in my life, Noah. Please forgive me."

Noah looked confused. "Forgive you? So what are you saying? Are you staying with him or do you want to be with me?"

"Noah. I love him." Luke explained as simply as possible. "Please forgive me."

That cleared it up. "Stop saying that, Luke."

"Please don't hate me." Luke's eyes welled. "I never meant to…"

Noah grabbed Luke by the back of his neck and looked him in the eyes. "I can never hate you, Luke. We broke up. You didn't do anything wrong. I just need a little time to get used to it. Understand? But I'm not mad at you."

"I understand." Luke stood and placed himself between Noah's knees. They held each other in a tight embrace that said goodbye and I'm sorry and this really, really sucks. "I love you so much, Noah."

Noah felt Luke's scratchy voice huff into his neck. "I love you too. I'm sorry I didn't do a better job of showing you."

Luke clung harder. "You didn't do anything."

"I know – that's the problem." Noah chuckled sadly. "Reid? That's so weird."

"I know." Luke couldn't help grinning.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Did Sam come with you this time?" Luke asked as he took the seat across from Noah. He blew into his cup of hospital coffee while he waited for Noah to fill the space with sound. Luke just needed a break.

Noah shook his head and sipped his tea. "We broke up a while ago."

"Oh." Luke wondered why Noah hadn't called. He usually calls when things go wrong and he needs a friend. "I'm sorry, Noah."

"Don't be. Sam was…"

"A huge dick." Luke finished his sentence.

"Right." Noah smiled. "So. How are you?"

"Not good." Luke admitted, allowing Noah to provide him with a much needed sounding board. "I feel like I'm going to fall apart at any given moment."

"You look like it." Noah reached across to squeeze Luke's shoulder. "Damn, Luke. You're so tense."

He stood and maneuvered to stand behind Luke so he could massage his tight shoulders and neck. Luke slumped his head forward to give him better access and moaned. "That feels good."

"Talk to me, Luke." Noah said while he worked out the tension with his strong fingers.

"He's sick." Luke said bitterly. "It's not fair."

"What's his prognosis after surgery?" Noah asked while he moved his attention to Luke's neck.

Luke barked out an agonizingly shrill laugh. "What surgery?"

Noah's fingers stopped. "What do you mean?"

"There's no fucking surgery, Noah. He's dying and I can't fucking tell him." Luke's tension returned beneath Noah's fingers and his body began to quake into silent sobs. "I don't know how to tell him."

"Noah was kneeling in front of Luke before he knew what he was doing. He pulled him into his arms and held him close. "Why didn't his doctor tell him?"

Luke laughed and sobbed at the same time. "You're seriously asking me that question?"

"Right." Noah forgets sometimes that Luke is practically related to everyone in Oakdale and gets whatever he asks for most of the time. "Why do you want to keep it from him, Luke?"

"He's Dr. Reid Oliver." Luke explained through his tears. "I want him to feel invincible."

"Oh Luke." Noah rubbed his back. "I'm so sorry. But you really need to tell him."

"I know."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Luke asked while he tied his shoes. "Noah would love to see you."

"You go. Enjoy your day together. He doesn't come in from Philly that often and I'm sure he would enjoy some time to have you all to himself." Reid didn't look up from the case file he was reviewing. "I have better things to do anyway."

Luke recognized the tone immediately. He stepped up to the dining room table where Reid had made himself a makeshift workspace and pulled the file from his hand before he straddled him. "I really want you to come."

Reid pushed on Luke's hips. "Did you put on weight? You're breaking my legs."

Luke smiled and pulled himself more firmly onto Reid's thighs. "You're just a wimp."

"Seriously, I think you're getting fat." Reid reiterated.

"Sometimes I want my boyfriend to hang out with me when my friend comes to town." Luke almost whined.

"When your EX comes to town." Reid clarified. "The ex who I sort of stole you from."

Luke smacked Reid in the back of the head playfully. "Please. You're such a fucking caveman. You didn't steal me, Cowboy."

"I always feel like I'm rubbing his face in it. Just go – have fun. I really could use some quiet time to go through these referrals anyway." Reid kissed Luke's chin.

"You're a good man, Reid Oliver." Luke said before he kissed him. "No matter what they say."

Reid giggled and smacked Luke's ass before he pushed his weight off of his legs. "Don't let it get out. I have a reputation to protect."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm going to grab you some jello, Babe." Luke kissed Reid's forehead. He turned to Noah before he walked out. "Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm good." Noah was sitting on the edge of Reid's bed. They were playing poker on Reid's bedside table. "Your boyfriend is a card shark."

"Yeah." Luke laughed. "Don't put any money on it - he'll steal you blind."

Reid barked out a laugh. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Me either." Luke laughed too, feeling so relieved that his partner was still quick witted and funny. "I'll be right back guys."

Once they were alone, Noah cleared his throat nervously. He wasn't sure how to act around someone who was dying. Especially someone he really liked and who Luke really loved. "I'm...um...have I ever really thanked you for that?"

Reid studied his cards. "That?"

"Yeah. You know. The blind thing." Noah feebly explained.

Reid peered over his fan of cards. He knew where this was coming from. "I'm sure you did, Noah. That was years ago."

"I know. I just wanted to make sure you knew how grateful I am."

"I was just doing my job. Brilliantly, I might add." Reid smirked.

Noah remained very serious. "I know better than that."

Reid placed his cards on the table and looked right into Noah's eyes. "I know."

Noah wasn't sure what he meant and it showed on his face.

Reid spelled it out. "Noah. I know."

He could see the recognition build in Noah's eyes. "You do?"

"Yes." Reid smiled. "My sweet man thinks he can get away with anything. He doesn't understand medical ethics though. My doctor is obligated to tell me. I asked him not to tell Luke though. And I'm asking you the same. Please don't tell him that I know."

Noah's forehead wrinkled in obvious distress. "But...why?"

"Because he's scared out of his mind and he needs to feel like he's in control. He needs to feel like he's doing something - anything - in a situation where he's powerless. There's nothing he can to change this. Thinking he's protecting me from the fact that I'm dying gives him something. He can help me - protect me - take care of me - which is the only thing that keeps him from completely falling apart."

Noah was once again reminded of why he could never really resent the man in the blue bandana.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The light moved in and out of his direct line of vision. Reid's face was only inches from his own as he carefully examined his patient. Noah found himself looking at Reid's lips and wondering how often Luke kissed them every day.

"Everything looks perfect." Reid clicked his penlight off and shoved it into his pocket.

Noah could smell Reid's minty breath as he spoke. "Thanks."

Reid wrote into Noah's file, avoiding eye contact. "Are you going to call Luke while you're here?"

Noah was thrown by the question. "Um...I..."

Reid kept scribbling. "He misses you, Noah. It's been almost a year since you moved to Philly."

"I didn't think..."

Reid cut him off. "You're still not thinking? I would have thought you would have grown out of that by now."

"Dr. Oliver..."

"It's Reid. Okay? Call me Reid. This is the last time I will be seeing you as your doctor. I'm just Reid - the guy who loves your ex and the guy who would appreciate it if you would call said ex while you're in town and let him know that you're alive and well and give a shit about him." Reid was looking right at him now.

It was the first time he heard Reid say it. He loves Luke. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. "You don't mind?"

Reid laughed and clapped Noah on the back. "Good lord, Noah! I don't own him."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Please just think about it."

Luke was talking to someone on his cell phone and he sounded like he was begging. Reid was getting antsy without Luke and asked Noah to go find him. He left Lily in the hospital room. They exchanged concerned glances as he passed her. Reid didn't look good. Not at all.

"All I'm saying is that he may not be here in a week. Don't you want him to know that you care? Don't you want him to feel loved?"

Noah stood a few feet away. Luke wasn't facing him and didn't know he was there. He knew he shouldn't be listening - but he couldn't tear himself away. The way Luke spoke about his lover was both inspiring and heartbreaking and Noah found himself wondering if he would ever be loved so completely.

Then he remembered that he was - once.

"He's your son! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Noah was starting to piece it together. Of course Luke wouldn't understand a family who would be so careless with last chances. Perhaps there was something he and Reid had in common besides Luke.

"No. Actually. I don't understand. What I do understand is that every single second is a precious gift right now and your ignorance is wasting too many of them."

Luke gripped his phone in his fist and ran the other hand roughly through his hair. Noah couldn't stop himself from taking three steps forward until he had Luke wrapped up in his arms. Luke's back was pressed against Noah's chest. He was shaking. He leaned his head back until it rested on Noah's shoulder and cried. "Those people are horrible."

"I'm so sorry, Luke."

Luke's phone rang. He looked at the screen before answering. He didn't move from Noah's embrace and continued to lean on him as if he was borrowing strength. "Hi Mom."

Noah could hear Lily's voice but couldn't make out what she was saying. He knew it wasn't good when he felt Luke's body go rigid. Before Noah could think about how to respond, Luke had dropped his phone and was running down the hall toward Reid's room.

Noah picked up Luke's phone and followed with a heart full of dread. This is happening too fast.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Luke was exhausted. His day at the foundation was one meeting after another with old men who cared more about investments than homeless children and Luke just wanted to curl up on the couch with the antithesis of mean old men.

He walked into their front door and immediately saw his gorgeous man stalking toward him. Reid looked determined and serious.

And horny.

"Hey you."

Reid didn't respond, he just grabbed Luke's face and kissed him. Not the kind of kiss couples get into the routine of exchanging after work. It was a kiss that was full of heat and want and made it very clear that neither of them would be wearing clothes for the rest of the night.

Luke really loved the kiss.

"So." Luke panted after he was finally released from the hungry mouth of his lover. "I'm guessing you missed me a little."

Reid smiled. "I've been thinking about you all day."

Luke couldn't get the goofy grin off of his face. "Yeah?"

"Yeah" Reid almost growled. He grabbed Luke by the buckle of his belt and pulled him toward the couch. "You want details?"

"Oh yeah." Luke nodded enthusiastically.

"First..." Reid pulled Luke's belt off and tossed it behind the couch. "...let's see that gorgeous bod."

"Bod?" Luke teased. "The 70's called and they want their word back."

"Just strip, smartass." Reid demanded while he pulled his own shirt over his head.

There was no way Luke was arguing with that. He was bare and hard in less than a minute. He couldn't help admiring Reid's slender, toned body, which was now standing naked in front of him.

Reid pushed Luke roughly until he flopped onto the couch. Reid straddled him before grabbing Luke by the hair and repeated the ferocious kiss. Luke's hands were on autopilot as they skimmed along the smooth skin of thighs and the compact round mounds of Reid's adorable ass.

Reid pulled away from Luke's lips and grinned when he saw Luke's mouth chasing his. Luke's eyes were closed, his face flush. He looks beautiful. "I've been thinking about this all day. You. Me. Hard and eager and willing to do anything and everything to get closer than we've ever been."

Luke's eyes opened and he asked a million questions without saying a word.

"I want you, Luke. I want you in ways I've never experienced with anyone. I - god Luke - I just want it all with you."

Luke wasn't sure what Reid was talking about. "Baby...I'm fairly certain we've done everything two men can do together."

"Not everything." Reid kissed him again. This time it was all tongue and demanded Luke's full attention. He was so completely wrapped up in that kiss that he almost didn't notice the long, slender fingers wrapping around his now aching, leaking erection.

Luke always appreciated the skilled fingers of his surgeon lover.

Luke whimpered in frustration when Reid, once again, abandoned the kissing.

"I've never been with anyone without a condom." Reid was nearly breathless when he said it.

"Huh?" Luke was in a lusty haze.

"Please say yes." Reid searched Luke's dark eyes for permission.

Luke saw a need in Reid that he had never seen before. There was something almost painful about it.

Luke couldn't refuse him. He wanted that pained, lost expression to go away. He wanted Reid to have whatever he needed.

Luke would deny him nothing.

Ever.

He nodded - giving silent permission - and was almost immediately buried deep inside of Reid.

This was actually one of his favorite positions. Reid knew how to move those slim hips, he knew how to ride Luke - taking him right to the edge before backing off and letting Luke take over. He loved the way it felt to wrap his hands around slender hips, holding Reid still while he slammed into him from below. He loved the way it felt when Reid dug his nails into his shoulders until they left half-moon marks that wouldn't fade for weeks.

And it felt so good without a barrier. Luke didn't realize what a difference the absence of a thin layer of latex could make. He felt more grip, more slide, more silky, smooth rippling of tight heat.

And he did feel closer to Reid than he ever felt before.

It did feel like everything.

Reid felt like his everything.

Luke wondered why they waited so long to do this.

He felt himself letting go, filling Reid in a way he never had before, while Reid murmured over and over into Luke's sweat soaked neck.

Luke felt the wet heat of Reid's climax on his belly right before he pulled Reid closer. He felt himself slipping from Reid's body and couldn't move to make sure they didn't mess up the couch.

Reid didn't move either - which should have been Luke's clue that something was off.

Reid hated messing up the furniture.

Luke nuzzled into Reid's hair and sighed with sleepy contentment. "That was amazing, Baby."

Reid nodded and kissed Luke's temple.

Luke pulled Reid closer - even though they were already pressed together in an almost desperate embrace. "What brought that on?"

He felt a different kind of wet heat trickle down his neck right before he heard the four words that he could have never prepared for.

"Luke, I have cancer."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm here, Baby."

He held Reid in his arms. He was breathing in rapid, shallow breaths. His eyes were focused on Luke's. He couldn't speak, but Luke didn't need to hear his voice to know what he felt.

Luke knew what to do.

"I'm here. Feel me holding you. We're on that beach - the one in Hawaii that we found that day you skipped out on your workshops to play with your boyfriend. We're laying in the sand. God, it's the softest sand I've ever felt. You're body is so warm. And pink. I told you to wear the sunscreen but you never listen to me."

Luke saw the giggle in Reid's eyes.

"We're so happy. It's so beautiful. You're so beautiful. All I need in life is right here in my arms. I knew right there - on the warm beach in Hawaii that you're the air I breathe. You're the light in my world. You're the calm in my storm."

Luke watched a single tear roll down the pale skin that covered the bones of Reid's face. He struggled for his last breath and the life dimmed from his eyes.

"I love you so much, Baby." Luke managed to say despite the fact that he was coming apart at the seams. He kissed his lover softly and prayed that he felt it.

It wasn't until he felt the last stuttering breath leave Reid's body that Luke allowed himself to break. He couldn't let go him. He clung to Reid's body and begged for him to come back. He just wasn't ready. It was too soon. He didn't even recognize his own anguished voice as his sobs filled the room. "..."

Noah stood unnoticed near the door.

Weeping.

He wasn't sure how long he had been standing there. He felt an ache in his calves and thighs and his back burned from the tension as he watched Luke cycle through agonizing grief.

He still clung to Reid's lifeless body as if he was waiting for him to wake up.

Noah was stumped. He didn't have the first clue as to what he should do in this situation. Luke would know exactly what to do.

What Noah wanted to do was scoop Luke up and hold him until he stopped making that sound that made Noah's chest ache. Is that what Luke needs?

He really sucked at this kind of thing and he knew it.

So he went with his instincts and hoped for the best. His legs felt like jello as he moved across the room. Luke was struggling to breathe from the intensity of his pain. Noah closed his eyes to pull himself together before he reached one hand toward Luke's sweaty, tear soaked hair. He smoothed the tufts that were sticking out in all directions and spoke as softly as his deep voice would allow.

"Luke." Noah placed his other hand on Luke's back. "Let me help you."

"I can't leave him alone. I can't leave him." Luke sounded like he swallowed razor blades. "He needs me."

Noah leaned himself onto Luke so he could slide his arms around him. He barely whispered the words that he himself didn't really want to accept as true. "Luke. He's gone. Reid's not here. Let me help you."

"I...can't leave..." Luke had cycled back to the kind of grief that steals your ability to function.

This made Noah's work a little easier. He pulled Luke from the hospital bed, pulling his arms from Reid's still form. He found it impossible to support Luke's weight so he let gravity pull them to the floor and he wrapped himself around Luke. He rocked them gently and kissed Luke's hair over and over and over while he sobbed into Noah's chest.

Lily walked into the room and fell to her knees as soon as she saw Luke's condition. "Oh Baby. Come here."

She reached for Luke. Noah loosened his grip to allow Luke to seek the comfort of his mother, but instead of moving away, Luke tightened his hold around Noah's waist. He moved himself a little so that he was curled in a tight ball and nestled into the circle of Noah's legs. Noah pulled him closer and looked at Lily for silent advice.

"I'm so sorry, Baby." Lily touched her son's hair and cried. She stroked his hair for a few minutes before pulling herself from the floor. She ran her fingers through Noah's hair too, to show him that he was doing exactly the right thing. "I'm going to call Holden."

Noah nodded. "I got him."

Lily had no doubt that he did. She slipped away as quietly as possible, leaving Noah to figure out his next move. God. "I got you, Luke. I'm not letting you go."

Hours passed like minutes and Noah kept his promise and didn't let go as they stayed huddled on the floor next to Reid's bed.

Luke never stopped crying. Not even for a second.

Noah noticed that the light had traveled from one side of the room to the other and the bright sunlight of early afternoon had dimmed to the blue-glow of dusk. Lily had been in and out to check on them and kept the hospital staff out for as long as possible while Noah dreaded the moment when they would have to leave.

Which came too soon - despite the stabs of pain in his legs and arms and all along his spine from sitting on the hard floor while he caged Luke in the safety of his arms. Lily stood in the doorway, almost as if she was afraid to be in the same room with a body that didn't contain life. "It's time, Noah. They need to...oh god..."

"I understand." Noah saved her from saying it out loud. "Can you buy me a few more minutes to get him ready?" Noah asked while his hand stroked along Luke's back instinctively.

"I think I can manage that." Lily stepped away and left them in silence.

Noah felt completely out of his comfort zone as he tried to come up with a plan to help Luke walk away from Reid forever. Fuck.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was the third Synder family function that he had attended since he moved to Philly - but it was the first one that Luke and Reid attended together. Reid usually didn't come when Noah was there. Noah smiled to himself as he remembered how persuasive Luke could be when he really wanted something.

Noah wasn't sure what to expect.

"Noah."

He heard his name at the same time he felt a solid hand clap him on the shoulder. He startled from his thoughts and turned to say hello. "Holden."

"It's good to see you. Lily told me you were in town so I couldn't miss this Fourth of July..."

"I'm sorry to hear about you and Lily." How many times have they split up before?

"It's all good, Noah." Holden squeezed his shoulder. "Lily said you're staying here this week."

"Yep. I'm starting to think of that room as mine."

"It'll always be yours." Luke's voice drifted from behind Holden. He stepped around his father and embraced Noah enthusiastically.

The smell of him still made Noah's chest ache a little.

"It's so good to see you." Luke spoke softly into Noah's cheek. He pulled away to look at Noah. "You look good, Noah."

"You too." Noah wasn't kidding. Luke looked really, really good.

And happy.

That's when Reid appeared in Noah's line of vision - reminding him of why Luke looked so happy.

Reid stood to the side. He seemed relaxed and unaffected by the fact that his boyfriend was being extremely affectionate with his ex. "You do look good, Noah."

It was just so Reid to say that.

After the initial hellos, Noah didn't see much of Reid until after the paper plates and plastic cups had been gathered into a giant black trash bag - which Noah was now carrying to the big bin behind the house.

Reid was coming from his car.

The timing couldn't have been worse. Noah found himself face-to-face with Luke's lover and he didn't have a clue what to say. "I was just taking the trash out."

"Good to know."

Is he...smirking at me? "So..."

"Why are you so nervous around me?" Reid asked and sounded like he really didn't know the answer.

"I'm not nervous." Noah shrugged. "Awkward, maybe."

Reid laughed. "Oaky. Awkward, then. Why? I held a scalpel to your brain. Doesn't that count for a little comfortable companionship?"

"You're sleeping with my ex." Noah explained like Reid was a complete idiot.

"I love him, too." Reid clarified. "And he loves you."

Say what? "Excuse me?"

"Isn't that why you're awkward. Because Luke loves you and you love him and you think it matters to me?"

"It doesn't?"

"No. It definitely matters." Reid explained. "I would be really concerned it you didn't love each other. I want you to love each other. Luke can never be loved enough as far as I'm concerned."

Noah tried to figure out what the hell Reid was talking about - and gaped at the man like he had grown gills.

"You know what I told Luke?"

Noah crossed his arms in front of him. He suddenly felt exposed. "Enlighten me."

"He asked me once why I never seem jealous. I think it bothered him. So I told him I would be more worried and insecure if he didn't still love you..."

"I don't get it." Noah interrupted. Freak.

"I don't trust many people - none actually. Until Luke. Seeing how much he loves you - genuinely, deeply, truly loves and cares about you - that makes me know without a doubt that I can trust him. No matter what - he'll always love me."

"How do you know that?" Noah asked skeptically.

Reid smiled confidently. "Because he looks at me the same way he looks at you."

"You're not making any sense." Noah was frustrated.

"The only difference between you and me is that I was ready to love him back. You weren't."

"Don't you worry about what will happen if I decide I'm ready?" Noah asked - not to be mean - but to understand what the hell Reid was trying to say.

He shook his head and looked sure of himself. "I trust Luke - I trust what we have - he's a loyal man and I make damn sure to love him the way he deserves."

"You mean the way I couldn't." Noah's regret showed.

"You weren't ready yet." Reid said kindly. "But it's comforting to know Luke has a back-up plan."

Reid walked away, leaving a thoroughly confused man standing next to the trash.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Noah sat next to Luke who was stretched out on the bed in his childhood bedroom. Dr. Hughes sent them him home with something to help Luke sleep - and he finally took the pills.

Noah had never seen anyone grieve so hard.

He brushed his fingers through Luke's limp hair and wished - literally wished - for Luke's pain to ease.

He decided in that moment that he would be the best back-up plan Luke could ever ask for.

Or was it Reid who asked for it?

"God, Luke." He sighed before standing to leave Luke to sleep.

"Stay."

Noah barely heard it.

"Please."

His voice sounded small and broken and very much in need of comfort.

Noah kicked off his shoes and crawled behind Luke until he was holding him close. Luke scooted back until they fitted together perfectly. Luke grabbed Noah's hand and curled their fingers together beneath his chin.

"He always wanted to be the front spoon." Luke whispered in his broken voice.

"He did?" Noah kissed the back of Luke's ear.

Luke nodded. "Said it felt safe."

Noah let the silence fill the room. He felt Luke's breathing even out and sighed with relief that he had found sleep again. Just as Noah finally closed his own eyes to join Luke in the deep sleep of grief, he heard that rough whisper as Luke pushed himself deeper into Noah's arms. "He was right."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Philly?" Luke asked with wide eyes. "What the hell is in Philly?"

"A job." Noah snapped.

"You have a job here." Luke whined. "Are you punishing me?"

"What?"

"Because of Reid? You're leaving me." Luke explained.

Noah just looked at Luke and felt like laughing in his stunned, sad, Lukey-sweet-stupid face. When he first heard of the affair between his boyfriend and his doctor, he was just trying to wrap his head around it. He tried to be cool about it - they were broken up at the time. But the more he thought about it, the madder he became. Luke knows the drill. He knew they weren't ever really broken up. They never are. So as far as Noah was concerned - Luke cheated.

And Noah wasn't going to stick around and watch.

Noah lost it. "Leaving you? Luke, you're sleeping with my fucking doctor. How exactly am I leaving you?"

"You're family...you're my best friend...I love you. If you're in Philly how will I know you're okay? Who'll take care of you? Where will you go for holidays? Who's going to...Noah, I'm still..."

"That's always been the problem with you, Luke. I don't want you to take care of me. I don't need that from you. Especially now. You're just so...Dr. Oliver doesn't know what he's gotten himself into with you." Noah stomped out the door and slammed it behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Luke." Noah gently shook Luke at the hip. "Wake up."

Luke stirred. He rolled onto his back, but didn't open his eyes. He spoke in a flat tone that was void of anything remotely Luke-like. "I like it better when I'm asleep."

Noah rubbed his palm along the contour of Luke's leg beneath the blanket. "I know."

It had been over two weeks since Noah dragged Luke into this room. He hadn't left the bed to do much more than go to the bathroom since. Noah extended his leave and devoted himself to caring for his friend. He had been to the condo Luke shared with Reid several times to get legal documents, clothes, and on one trip in particular - Reid's threadbare, old bathrobe.

Luke hadn't taken it off since Noah handed it over.

It was after Noah helped Luke make the arrangements for Reid's cremation that he really began to understand. For Reid - Luke was it. Beyond the career that defined his humanity, there was nothing for the brilliant surgeon. No family. No friends. No one to trust with all the things that made him real. Reid's world was a lonely, dark place until Luke brought in the light.

Noah knew exactly what that felt like - the awakening that comes from Luke Snyder.

The difference between Reid and himself was that Reid actually appreciated it.

And even though Noah had lost most of his anger and resentment over the years since Luke picked Reid - because ultimately that's what it boiled down to - Noah felt...happy...genuinely and completely happy that Luke found someone who loved him the way Reid did.

Because Luke deserved it and Noah couldn't give it to him.

Not then.

"Luke, please. You really need to get out of bed." Noah coaxed. "Your mom made pancakes."

"Not hungry."

"You also need a shower. You smell really bad." Noah kept his tone light and playful.

"Don't care."

Noah took a deep breath to calm his frustration. "I want to show you something."

Luke opened one eye. "What."

Noah grinned a little when he saw the tiny sliver of curious-Luke peek through the blanket of depression and grief. "It's in my room." Noah pushed the blankets to the side and pulled Luke from a bed that was in serious need of airing out. "Come on - you need a change of scenery."

Luke allowed himself to be dragged down the hall. He kept his fingers tightly wound around Noah's. He needed the security of being connected. Once Noah had him seated in the soft chair that sat in the corner of his home away from Philly, he took a seat on the matching ottoman facing Luke.

"Here." Noah said as he handed Luke a large manilla envelope.

Luke looked at it like it had fangs. "What is it?"

"Just open it." Noah shoved it at him.

He carefully slid a finger underneath the flap and pulled out the contents. The envelope fell to the floor unnoticed as Luke gaped at what he held in his hands. He felt the all-too-familiar heat sting his eyes and tears spilled over and clung to his gritty eyelashes.

"A friend of mine mocked it up. I took liberties with the logo - you can change it of course, this is just to give you something to see what the potential is - you know?" Noah rambled nervously.

Luke shook his head - his eyes glued to the paper in his hand. "No." He couldn't believe Noah had done this. "No, Noah. This is...perfect just the way it is."

"I did a little research. We could...well, you...you could add on to the Neurology Center and have a working laboratory." Noah explained.

Luke looked at a second page as Noah spoke - this one nearly took his breath away. "Oh my god, Noah."

"What? God. You hate it. I overstepped didn't I - shit..."

"No!" Luke grabbed Noah's arm. "I just...I can't believe you did this."

"This is what he would want you to do. Don't you think?" Noah asked.

Luke nodded while he cried and smiled at the same time. "Yeah. I think he would."

Luke was overwhelmed. He felt a pull in his chest that was a mixture of overwhelming grief and overwhelming love as his feelings for the two men who had shared the residence of his soul for so long swirled together until he couldn't tease them apart. He stared at the paper that quivered in his hand and read out loud as if hearing the words would make it more real. "The Reid Oliver Neurological Research Institute."

"I thought the Reid Oliver Health Fund for Children could be a way for the Snyder Foundation to offer support to kids who need help. But then I thought about how Reid was such a trailblazer - you know - he did things that no one else would do. I mean take me for example - I wouldn't be looking at you - seeing you - if he didn't risk his career with a procedure that no one thought would work. A Research Institute seemed to make sense - you know? It seemed to be the perfect way to honor his work."

Luke felt his face smiling. It felt like he was using muscles that had atrophied from weeks of sadness. "It's perfect."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Did you do this?" Luke tossed a balance statement on Reid's chest after he straddled his hips.

"Are spreadsheets the new foreplay?" Reid asked. "Kinky."

Luke wiggled his hips playfully. "I'm just wondering how the Foundation ended up with $500,000 more than it had yesterday."

Reid picked up the document and studied it for a few seconds. "It says here that you have an anonymous donor."

"Yeah. Who happened to designate the donation for indigent healthcare." Luke lunged forward so that his hands were planted firmly on the couch's arm rest on each side of Reid's face. "Dr. Oliver..."

"What? You're the only one in the family who can be charitable?" Reid smirked.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Luke asked. "Why the big secret donation?"

"I'm an egotistical, selfish, narcissistic bastard, Luke." Reid explained. "You're the only one allowed to know about my inner-philanthropist."

"Am I the only one who gets to know about your inner-sexgod too?"

"I don't know. It feels dirty - like I bought you or something." Reid's teased while his hands roamed the skin beneath Luke's shirt.

"That means you can have your way with me." Luke's pupils seemed to explode. "So tell me doctor, how do you want it?"

Reid yanked on Luke's pockets hard enough to crush their bodies together. He bit Luke's lower lip before he answered the question. "Hard and fast."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

They stood outside of the door that had been painted red after one of Luke's DIY Channel whims last year.

Reid thought white was just fine for a front door but he always let Luke win.

"You ready?"

"Not really." Luke leaned into Noah. "I can't believe he'll never walk through this door again."

Noah's arms wrapped around Luke on instinct the moment he heard the wave of pain in his voice. "You don't have to do this if you're not ready."

"I can't avoid it forever. And staying at my mom's house is getting old." Luke closed his eyes and breathed in the comforting smell of Noah. "Thanks for coming with me."

"There's no place I'd rather be, Luke."

Luke knew Noah meant it, which was something he couldn't say a few years ago.

Noah slipped Luke's key into the lock and opened the door while he kept one arm around Luke's waist. Luke was immediately surrounded by the smell of home. It was a combination of Reid and himself and the cinnamon candles that they usually burned for at least a few hours every day.

The smell caught in his throat and made him wobble on his feet.

"Whenever you're ready." Noah said softly after he placed the hand still holding the key on Luke's chest.

Now that he stood there - looking through an open door at all the objects that collectively represented the last two-plus years of his life, Luke wasn't sure he would ever be ready.

But he stepped through the door anyway.

It took them all day. They went from room to room - taking the most time - with the most breaks for sobbing - in the bedroom. By the time they were done there were boxes for charity, boxes for storage, and a handful of precious artifacts-of-memories strategically placed around various surfaces of the condo. They stood in the middle of the kitchen locked in an exhausted embrace while Luke took a few minutes to cry again. That's when he noticed the box on top of the refrigerator.

"What's that?"

Noah turned to see what Luke was talking about and kicked himself internally for forgetting to hide it. He brought it to the condo a few weeks earlier after he picked it up from the funeral home. He knew Luke would want to do something special someday - but he knew it wasn't time for that yet. The one benefit of being alone in the world - there's no one to fight over your ashes.

At least Reid had Luke to give a shit about honoring his legacy.

Noah wondered if Luke would be there to give a shit about him.

He shook off the momentary relapse of 'it's all about me' so he could help Luke deal with this premature reality check. "That's...shit...Luke, that's Reid."

Seeing that dark wood cube sitting on top of the stainless steel appliance did something that all the packing and sorting and days of crying couldn't do. It was like an elephant fell from the sky and landed on his chest. His vision blurred instantly. He walked away from Noah's warmth until he stood directly in front of the doors of the fridge and stared up at the remains of a man who always seemed bigger than life.

"It's so small." He didn't even know if he said it out loud. He reached up and touched the smooth, cool exterior of the box that contained his soulmate.

One of them.

The other one was suddenly standing behind him - close enough to make it clear that he wasn't alone but far enough away to give Luke some space to decide for himself what kind of support he needed.

"God, Noah. It's so fucking small." His fingers traveled every inch of wood, trying to make sense of the fact that his brilliant, handsome, funny, kind partner in life could actually fit into something so small. No one could fit into a 1-foot-square cube if there was any possibility of ever being a 5'9" surgeon with the stamina of teenager. "I'll never see him again."

And even though he had spent weeks thinking about it and crying over it and screaming until his throat hurt when no one was home to hear - it wasn't until this moment that it became real. He suddenly felt the need to sit - but the kitchen table seemed so far away. He felt gravity pulling him down before he felt long arms holding him up. Before he knew what was happening he was surrounded by those arms with his face pressed against the hard chest that didn't smell anything like Reid Oliver.

And that was such a relief it almost felt like a betrayal.

"I'm so sorry, Baby." It came out of his mouth before he could stop it and he hoped Luke didn't notice the term of endearment. When Luke made no indication that he did, Noah held him tighter and kissed the top of his head. "We can stay here for as long as it takes. I won't let go."

Luke just took a few minutes to breathe. He wondered how many of Noah's shirts were covered in his tears and realized with a sudden sweep of something that felt close to fear that Noah had been here for well over a month. "What will I do without you?"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You've got to go back to Philly sooner or later. I dread the day you leave." Luke confessed. "I think it's going to feel like losing him all over again. God, that makes no sense at all."

Noah couldn't help the chuckle from escaping. "You know - I actually know exactly what you mean."

"He's never coming back, Noah." Luke couldn't stop thinking it and couldn't stop crying.

"I'm so so sorry." Noah reiterated. "I'll stay for as long as you need, Luke."

"You don't need to go back to Philly?"

"I may never go back to Philly, Luke." Noah said and hoped Luke didn't feel pressured. "I think it might be time for me to come back home."

Luke rubbed his face into Noah's t-shirt like a child and stuttered in a deep breath as he calmed his tears a little. "I've been saying that since the day you left. It's about time you figured it out."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"He said that to you?" Luke asked in disbelief.

Noah was always amused by how shocked Luke always was by the mean things people do to each other. "He did. Twice."

"What did you say?"

"I told him that being with him was like fucking a cactus."

Luke barked out a laugh. "You did NOT say that!"

Noah laughed too. "The man shaved his whole body - the stubble was unbearable."

"I thought you really liked him." Luke said after the laughter faded. "Didn't you?"

"He was okay...he just wasn't who I thought he was when I met him. He ended up being kind of an asshole."

Luke heard so much sadness in Noah's voice. He wanted to reach through the phone and pet his hair. "I'm so sorry, Noah."

"Thanks."

They listened to each other breathe for a few minutes before Luke said what he always said when they talked on the phone. "I wish you lived closer."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When Luke said it he wasn't sure he heard him right. One minute they were hauling boxes into the storage unit Luke had rented and the next minute Luke was looking at him with that weird look he gets when he's about to say or do something impulsive. 'You wanna go to Hawaii?' That's it. No explanation. Luke just asked the question and expected an answer.

So Noah said yes.

That's how they ended up here - on a beach in Hawaii - holding a box of ashes that used to be a remarkable man. What they were preparing to do was so illegal.

Luke didn't care.

And Noah didn't judge.

Noah knew that this beach was special. He knew that somewhere along this stretch of sand was a spot that marked the place where Luke and Reid made love in the middle of an afternoon when Reid should have been sitting in a workshop about neurosurgery.

And now he was here with Luke - here to make sure he didn't break into a million pieces when he said the last, final goodbye.

Noah watched from a comfortable distance as the dusty ashes floated into the wind and the heavier particles of Reid's remains fell into the waves to be carried out to sea. Luke stood knee deep in the water and talked to each handful of ash before he tossed it into the air. Noah wasn't sure what Luke was saying - he figured that was between Luke and Reid.

Luke said this was exactly how Reid would want it.

The ride back to the hotel was quiet. Noah drove and let Luke sit with his thoughts knowing that Luke would ask if he needed anything. They parted ways in the hallway with plans to meet up for dinner after a couple of hours of rest.

Which made Luke's presence at Noah's hotel room door surprising 20-minutes later.

Without a word spoken between them, they crashed together in a crush of hard muscle and warm, wet mouths. Fingers played against flesh and bone, finding familiar pleasure points that neither had forgotten existed in the other. Clothes were shed quickly before they fell into bed and melted into the dovetail of peaks and valleys that fit together perfectly if they were positioned just right.

And they found it without even trying.

Luke was slowly kissing a trail of heat across the jut of Noah's collarbone. The pace set the tone for what was needed.

This was to forget.

This was to feel something that wasn't about loss - about being lost.

This was about taking comfort in the arms of a friend - a soulmate - a man who never completely left his heart and he never, ever was made to feel bad about that fact.

It was almost like Reid knew.

"Luke." Noah broke the silent agreement. "What does this mean?"

Luke didn't stop kissing skin and didn't look up to meet Noah's eyes. "I don't know."

That was all the answer Noah needed. He just wanted to know what to expect and now he did. He decided he could do this. He could be this for Luke. He could help him escape the endless pain - he could help him feel something else - even if it was only for a couple of hours in a hotel a few miles from the beach where he had just sent his lover's remains to the sea.

This Noah could do. This was for Luke.

All for Luke.

It took time. They both wanted to taste and touch and feel everything. It was quiet. The only sounds were the heavy breathing that comes from exertion and soft moans of pleasure that neither seemed to know they were making.

Luke came first. He was buried deep inside of Noah when he did. And when he collapsed on top of Noah, he cried.

Noah held him until he fell asleep. He didn't reach his climax and couldn't find the will to even finish himself off.

Because this was for Luke and he was okay with that.

He owed him that much.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flashback~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What are you saying, Noah?"

"I'm saying that I need some space from you. You're too...god, Luke you're just always there. How am I going to learn to take care of myself if you're always doing everything before I can even figure it out?" He didn't need to see to know Luke was looking at him with those giant eyes that always reminded Noah of the cat with the boots in the cartoon Shrek.

"I can do that - you might have to remind me at first, but I can back off. I'll do whatever you need me to do. Just don't shut me out, Noah."

He felt Luke closing in on him. "Please, Noah."

When he felt those lips pressed against his own, he almost forgot that he wanted nothing to do with Luke Snyder. Damn, the man could kiss. He finally gained control of his hormones and pushed Luke away. "Stop."

"Noah..."

"Luke. I think it's best if we didn't see each other for a while. Well...since I can't see anything, I guess what I'm saying is I need you to just leave me alone. I need to focus on me right now."

"Dr. Oliver said..."

"Luke! It's not about Dr. Oliver. I don't care if he's decided you're no longer Satan's Spawn, I still don't want you anywhere near me right now." What about this do you not get? "Just please back off."

"Okay. Yeah. I can...if that's what you need...whatever you need, Noah. I just want you to get better. If being around me is slowing that down...well...okay."

He could hear the rustling of Luke gathering his jacket and backpack. "So, um...call me...you know...if you need anything."

He smelled a waft of Luke's scent as he passed him to leave. He heard the bell jingling on the door as Luke walked out of the coffee shop and then all he could smell was his mocha latte.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~Flash-forward~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He scrambled to get to his phone so it wouldn't wake up the whole house. His head was a fog from his interrupted sleep. "Hello..."

He only heard sniffling. He looked at the screen to see who it was even though he already knew. "Luke?"

Nothing.

"I'm on my way."

It was Luke's first night home alone. For the first few days after they got back from Hawaii, Noah slept on the couch. Luke just didn't think he was ready to be there on his own yet.

They never really talked about what happened that night. They didn't really need to talk about it. Luke needed something and Noah gave it to him. So there wasn't any question of where Noah would sleep.

Noah wasn't sure he could sleep in Reid's bed anyway.

He found the red door wide open when he finally got there. He closed it behind him and made sure it was locked before he ventured into the bedroom. Luke was curled up into a ball on top of the comforter. He was clinging to a pillow.

Noah crawled behind him - spooning him like he did on the night Reid died.

"Smells like him."

"What?"

Luke was crying hard.

"I couldn't get c-c-c-comfortable. Extra pillow from closet." Luke sort of explained.

Noah understood. "Oh."

Luke buried his face into the pillow. "Fuck."

Noah pulled on the pillow. "Let me have it, Baby." He didn't care anymore if Luke noticed the pet name. "Give me the pillow."

He was surprised by how easily he gave it up. Noah tossed it onto the floor and pulled Luke into his arms and kissed him. He tasted salty tears on his lips before he felt Luke's tongue slip into his mouth. Within a few seconds he could feel that Luke was hard beneath his pajama bottoms. He knew how this would go, but he couldn't just let it happen without making a few things clear first. He pulled away from the desperate kiss and look into Luke's wet eyes.

"I love you, Luke." He carded his fingers through Luke's hair. "That's what this means for me."

Luke nodded and more tears spilled from his eyes. "I miss him."

Noah cried too. "I know you do, Baby."

"I missed you."

Luke was trying to tell him something and he was trying to keep up.

Luke sucked in a gulp of air. "He's not coming back."

God. "I know. I'm sorry, Baby."

Luke grabbed a tight fist full of Noah's hair and pulled their mouths together. "You did."

FIN