A/N: A ficlet set when Claudia and Johnny are at the hospital waiting for news on Anthony's surgery. Just a peak into her mind set. Please let me know what you think.
Prayers from a Sinner
The harsh florescent lights shown down on her; casting Claudia into unforgiving reality. She sits in the waiting room, a tiny section of sea green chairs connected in rows, plastic tables with outdated magazines and forgotten cups of coffee. She is not made for this world; it was too bright; she was born into shadows.
"Stop pacing." And she wonders how her own voice can sound so calm, she is nothing but a tiger- her mind its cage but outwardly she is cool, deadly calm while their father is being sliced open on a surgery table.
John looks at her both irritated and comforted by her demeanor. He tells himself it is a good sign, if it were really the end Claudia would not sit so still, she would be as frightened as he is. "I'm just worried, you know?"
And she does know but her reasons do not run the same river as his. She is afraid that he will live, that he will make it through this. And what sort of monster does that make her; a child that prays for a painful death for her father? He father called her a viper and she thinks he was right, she is a snake, the devil incarnate. She brings death and pain with her, sprinkling them like seed, a young boy, her father- the blood coats her hands. She doesn't pretend to be better than she is.
Madness runs in their family, the strain passed down, curse from father to son and mother to daughter. It's all so muddled in her head, nightmares that she might have imagined and the terrible truth inseparable from each other. She thought that coming back, coming home maybe she could puzzle it all out, was it truth or merely madness that kept her bedroom door locked at night. He hates her and owns her but there is never any touch that betrays him, and maybe it is just a trick of her own head that his gaze lingers too long.
Not that it matters now. She isn't that scared little girl and all damaged done- real or imagined cannot be undone. She will never be whole and she has made her own peace with that. She is Claudia Zacchara, she is destruction and death, she is sin. Still she sits and prays, please don't let him make it through this.
Her hand finds his, pulling him into a seat next to her. He is her anchor, the only piece of her soul that has yet to be sold. "I know, John. I'm scared too." And she is- she is terrified because she knows that God won't answer the prayers of a sinner.
-End-