Longing to belong
AN: this is set after the current Uncanny Avengers arc (passing spoilers of issue 14), but before issue 6 of Young Avengers. Or rather, I'm just pretending that issue never happened. It's been a while since I read the older run, so if any eventual inaccuracies seems troubling, just tell me about it or consider it an AU. =)
Disclaimer: these characters are the property of Marvel Comics, and the title of this story was borrowed from Eddie Vedder's beautiful song of the same name.
Tommy Shepherd was bored. That was no surprise; what else was a speedster supposed to feel when surrounded by slugs? And to make things worse, he just happened to have the most monotonous job in the universe. Tedium, and a desperation he couldn't quite admit to feeling, tipped the scale: it was time he swallowed his resentment and paid a visit to his old teammates.
In the last six months, the speedster had traveled to all parts of the world: Monaco, Venice, Paris, London, Moscow, the African savanna, Tokyo, Santiago, Rio, Louisiana – it was like the one place he had avoided at all cost was New York City. And yet, here he was now. After long consideration (half a second, to be exact), Tommy went to the Kaplan's place in search of his little brother. Billy had to be better after all this time, right? Still, Tommy worried, not entirely sure of how he could help if his twin was just like when he last saw him. What wasn't his surprise, then, to arrive at the house only to be met with enquires from the adult Kaplans about Billy's whereabouts. Apparently, Billy and Teddy had just disappeared with some other teenage heroes and hadn't been home in nearly two months! The depth of the betrayal Tommy felt at that moment couldn't be measured, but, swallowing his urge to just run off to throw a few punches in random thugs on the streets, he politely thanked the Kaplans (Don't forget, they didn't need to be nice to you, not now, not in the past) and roamed the city, slower than usual. He needed to think. Mrs. Kaplan told him Billy said something about their being in space, the one place Tommy's powers couldn't take him, which only made the feeling of betrayal worse.
For once in his life, Tommy had tried to be understanding, to stick by Billy's side when he needed him. He didn't really comprehend what the sorcerer was going through; they had all lost Cassie, Jonas and Nate that day. That crusade was his as much as Billy's; if one was to blame, so was the other. Billy at least had his parents, his brothers and his boyfriend, who all loved him; what did Tommy have after the team was disbanded? He had lost the only true family he had ever known, and now Billy, who had insisted that they were brothers from the start, now he had lost Billy too, and yet he didn't spend his days sitting in front of a window watching life pass him by. He tried to live, to go on, to find a new meaning for his life. He failed, of course, but he didn't really blame Billy for getting lost in his mind; he blamed himself for not knowing how to help him, and for insisting on pretending everything was okay when it so obviously wasn't. He had been denied a family for so long, and now that he finally thought he had another shot, this just became another failure. He didn't blame Billy for his suffering, but he did blame him, Teddy, Kate, Eli, for dragging him to the team, for filling him with hope, and then just shattering it all to pieces. And now at least three of them had formed a new team without him. He should have known better.
They knew I wanted, needed, this team, and they just go off to be heroes and don't even call me? Face it, Shepherd, they only tolerated your presence when they needed you, but what use would they have of you if they've got a spaceship now? They left, just like everyone else before them. Tommy felt a sudden need for company, but whatever friends he thought he had were gone. He could always just go to a club, maybe in Berlin, he liked their clubs when last there, but for once he didn't think he'd find any comfort on the arms of strangers. "Oh." How could he forget? There was one more person in this city he could visit, probably the only person who would be genuinely happy to see him. Yes, he should go to Avengers Mansion.
He hadn't seen Wanda since the day they met, really. For the first month or so, she sent him and Billy texts and e-mails every few days, inquiring after their health, activities and such. Billy didn't answer any, as he could barely communicate with anyone during that time, so Tommy felt obligated to send her short replies back. He didn't tell her about his brother's health; he had discussed with Teddy if she should know, if she could help, but both agreed involving her could only make things worse, as it was Billy's guilt over insisting on his quest for her that caused his current problems, and they had no idea of what reaction to expect from her either. Tommy felt bad about writing her back so little, but he had no idea of how to talk to her. What should he say? Could he trust her? Her communications became scarce and eventually stopped. Tommy hated Billy when that happened, for dragging her into this and then simply abandoning her, abandoning them. He knew he was being unfair, but he didn't care; he couldn't deal with her alone, he needed Billy by his side, this was his idea after all! And yet, do it on his own he must, now.
Upon entering the Mansion, Tommy found the place strangely quiet. But that was to be expected, of course, if this Unity Squad really had just gone through all those things he read about in the Avengers Newsletter. And, at that thought, a new wave of panic hit him: how could he deal with her right after she – But before he could run away, he heard a female voice behind him.
"Pietro?" He turned quickly, an outraged look on his face. "Oh, I'm sorry, you do look just like –"
"No, I don't? I'm younger, more handsome, more fascinating, really, not to mention quicker," he corrected her.
"Well, at least two of those statements are true. You're Tommy, right?" Janet Van Dyne asked him.
"The one and only. But haven't we met before?"
"Please, don't tell me you're flirting with me. You're a kid –"
"– Imeighteen!"
"… still a kid, and still my friend's kid, no, thank you." Before he could go on another indignant rant, the Wasp asked him. "Are you here to see Wanda?"
Something about the change in her tone filled him with dread. What if Wanda was just like Billy after Cassie's death? He couldn't deal with that, what would he do? But he only nodded and, hesitant for once, inquired "Is she… Issheokay?"
"She's… she's not going to lose control of her powers and kill anyone, if that's what you mean. Come, I'll take you to her."
Janet led him through a series of hallways, opening a few doors to check where she was, until they arrived at the library. They entered it to find her standing by the window, on Captain America's arms as he whispered something to her. Whatthehellisgoingonoverthere? Tommy coughed. They turned to look at the new arrivals, far too slowly, Tommy thought, but Rogers didn't let go of her and she didn't lift her head from his shoulder. So rude. Tommy lifted an eyebrow, in a way very reminiscent of Magneto.
The Captain was the first to say anything. "Thomas –"
"Tommy." He corrected in what felt like the thousandth time. He'd never understand why old people insisted on calling him that. "If it's not a good time, I'll come back another day." He wouldn't.
"No, it's alright. I'm really happy to see you, Tommy." Answered Wanda, finally getting away from Cap, who just had a worried, loving look on his face. Tommy felt like vomiting.
"Okay, then. We'll leave you two alone. I'll ask someone to bring up some tea and cake, yeah?" Janet asked, waiting by the door. Squeezing Wanda's shoulder, Steve gave her a kiss on the cheek, and, nodding to Tommy, who still glared at him, followed the Wasp outside, leaving mother and son alone. They stared at each other for a few moments, until Wanda beckoned him to sit. An eternity of awkward silence ensued, or so Tommy, thought – even the tea had already arrived! Cursing himself and his impulsivity for coming to Avengers Mansion while simultaneously just wanting to be able to enjoy Wanda's presence without any awkwardness, he realized he would have to be the one to do the talking. But what do you say to someone who has just returned from the dead?
"So, I heard you died." Very tactful, Shepherd. She blinked, a vacant look in her eyes. At least she's responding, that's already better than Billy. Well, Tommy, since you touched the subject, you might as well get to the bottom of it. "What is it like?"
"It's… It is not, actually. You just cease to exist. And coming back was like being sucked from the void, if that even makes any sense." She answered, staring at the bottom of her cup. Tommy thought that made far too much sense for him, so he decided to touch the more material side of events.
"But, like, how did this happen?"
"What have you heard?"
"Only that your team had to fight against Apocalypse, or two Apocalypses, but how is that even possible?, and many of you were killed during the battle, but some of you came back at the end."
"Yes, something like that. Rogue… she misread the situation and took the chance to kill me, and Simon…" There were tears in her eyes now, Tommy realized with some panic. Deciding now would be a good time to sit closer to her, he did that, and, taking her hand, added.
"I also read it was your spell that saved the day." He gave her a soft smile, which she half-answered.
"Well, I suppose exaggerations are inevitable. But the tea is getting cold, we should drink it."
The silence that followed was much more comfortable, and Tommy would have even felt relaxed, if not for the question that was nagging his brain since he entered the room. He tried to hold it back not to upset her any further, he really did, but the questions was hammering against his lips to come out, and when it did, it sounded something like – "-whasgoinonbetweenyouancatainameica?" Her slowness to react almost caused him to ask it again thinking she hadn't understood him, but the blush that hit her cheeks told him she had. Of course she understood; she did spend her whole life around a speedster, after all.
"Steve is only a dear friend who has been very supportive throughout this ordeal."
"Supportive, eh? I guess Captain America and I are having a little chat later," he replied, as menacing as he could be. But it seems Wanda thought his reaction adorable, judging from the smile she gave him. Tommy almost felt indignant – he did mean it, the threat and everything! –but he was so happy to see his mother (My mother…) smile, that he just smirked back.
They talked for half an hour about nothing relevant. That was good, Tommy liked irrelevant; irrelevant was safe and comfortable. But it was inevitable, she would ask it and he knew it. So, it came as no surprise when.
"And how is Billy?" Wanda looked interested and hopeful, and that just broke his heart. But he had to answer, and, for once, it seemed full disclosure was the best option. He told her everything: Billy's PTSD, his unresponsiveness, ending the team, and what he had just found out about the new team. Wanda listened attentively, with a worried look on her face, and something else, something he couldn't quite understand. When he finished, her reaction took him by surprise; he expected her to make further inquiries about Billy, to ask him why they hadn't told her anything, but she just… hugged him. Tommy felt like crying. "I'm sorry I've been such a bad mother."
Another thing he didn't expect. When he just stared stupidly at her, Wanda explained. "You both needed me, and I simply wasn't there for you. Billy had a breakdown; I know a thing or two about that, I should have been there helping him get over it. And you had to watch him like that, and right when your team – your friends, your family – had just gone separate ways, all the while, though you won't admit it, you, too, were fighting your demons after everything that happened? What kind of mother abandons her sons during all this just to wallow in self-pity?"
She was crying by now; Tommy couldn't take it. There were tears in his face as well, but he didn't even care, he had to show her that she was wrong. "No, no! You didn't abandon us, you didn't even know that was happening!"
"I should have –"
"– but how would you, if we shut you out? It's not your fault, you had just discovered your sons were alive, kind of, you needed time to sort thing out. If anything, we're to blame – two teenagers just ten years younger than you or something telling you you're our mother? How is anyone supposed to handle that?! If anything, we abandoned you!"
"No, my sweet, dear Tommy, no you didn't, you didn't!" Wanda said, as she hugged him closer and repeatedly kissed his head. They stayed like that for a while, mother and son finding comfort in each other, one trying to convince the other that none of this was their fault. When they were calmer, Wanda resumed the conversation with one last topic that had been bothering her. "And how do you feel about Billy and the others forming a new team?"
"Betrayed, how else? I can't believe they're doing this without me; they know how important it is to me!" Tommy pouted.
"Exactly. They know how much you care, and you know they love you. Don't you think there must be an explanation for their silence?" Wanda reasoned, caressing his hair.
Tommy hated to admit it, but she had a point. Some of the older members of the team weren't that fond of him, and he didn't know the new ones, but Kate, Teddy, and Billy, especially, they wouldn't leave him out of it without some good reason. They wouldn't. They couldn't. "I know, it's just… It still hurts…"
"Yes, it does." Wanda replied, a pained look in her eyes. Only then did Tommy realize she knew the despair of seeing her old friends move on without her, she knew the feeling of betrayal better than anyone, having been on both sides of it. She knew the pain of being forgotten, the fear of not belonging. "Do you intend to go after them?"
"I thought about it…But, one, they're in space. And, two, it's like you said, they probably have a reason not to invite me. I hope they do. And if they don't, I don't want to hear about it." Wanda only nodded. They stayed like that for a while, until Tommy's eyes landed on the clock and he made a sound of surprise. "Oh, shit! I was bored at work so I left it early, but I'm supposed to havesomestufffinishedintenminutes! Which ofcourseIcando, but Ihavetoleavenow! I'm sorry!"
Wanda smiled and, caressing his hair one last time, said. "Of course, and I'd like to hear all about your job sometime. I'm proud of you, Tommy."
Tommy beamed. No one had ever said that to him before. Hugging her again (and he didn't miss the irony of how much hugging Tommy Shepherd, the boy without feelings, had been a part of that day), he replied. "Thanks, I… I'm proud of you too. How you're clearing your name and doing your best, no matter what anyone thinks. I'm coming here again… Mother. I promise."
And come back he did, as frequently as the Avengers would let him into the Mansion. And just like that, Tommy Shepherd found where he belonged.