Literally just churned this out in English class. Can't brain won't brain just SANTA MOFF I LOVE YOU HAVE MY SANITY AND/OR BABIES. THE SERIES 6 TRAILER BROKE MY BRAIN AND NOW I'M REDUCED TO CAPSLOCK! YAY! INSERT UNINTELLIGIBLE FANGIRL SQUEEING AND/OR BLATHERING AND FLAILING HERE. Lo and behold, time for my first crack at Eleven/River. And it's a perfectly kinky lemon. D'YOU KNOW WHY I AM WRITING THIS? BECAUSE OF THIS… RIVER/ELEVEN: IT'S CANON, BITCHES! Doctor Who is property of the Almighty, Santa Moff.
"It's time you found out who I really am," whispered River Song.
She leaned in towards the Doctor, eyes closed.
The Doctor wanted this more than anything else in the entire universe. He leaned in too.
They kissed.
The Doctor ran his hand up River's arm in utter passion.
They clung together, embracing lovers, their faces neatly meshing into each other.
After a few minutes they broke apart. They both had wild, hungry looks on their faces, drinking in each other's image.
After a few seconds of blissfully intense silence, the Doctor leaned over and whispered in River Song's ear.
"I've figured it out. You are my wife, River Song. And we are madly in love."
"Spoilers," said River smugly. She pulled the Doctor back into an even more passionate kiss. The Doctor shivered with happiness.
Outside the Doctor's room aboard the TARDIS, Amy and Rory watched the Doctor and his wife through a crack in the door. They squeed, they high-fived, they silently cheered.
The Doctor and River began to undress.
Rory stared hungrily through the crack at the Doctor's nude body. He drooled a little and moaned perversely. Amy playfully whacked him on the side of the head; she knew Rory had a thing for the Doctor. The two resumed watching.
The Doctor and River Song's bodies melded into each other – one could call this perfect sex, but that would offend a lot of people.
Especially Amy.
River moaned with pleasure as the Doctor entered her. He kissed her forehead.
"You're like the TARDIS, River. You're bigger on the inside," he whispered naughtily, River laughed. As the Doctor continued to penetrate, she began to moan.
"Oh, sweetie… oh, sweetie, yes… yes… yes…"
Just as the Doctor and River reached climax, something exploded within the TARDIS.
The sound echoed throughout the time machine. Amy and Rory stopped watching their Time Lord friend have incredible sex and worriedly turned around toward the direction of the explosion. The Doctor pulled out of River, pulled on a bathrobe, and grabbed his Sonic Screwdriver ((NO, NO, NO, NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVS!)) He opened the door, pushing Amy and Rory aside, not noticing their incredibly scared yet incredibly horny facial expressions. He ran toward the swimming pool-library. River scrambled to put on a skimpy negligee (at least she'd be wearing something) and hurried out, following the Doctor. Amy and Rory, now concerned, followed suit.
Inside the swimming pool-library, a small black hole had formed just above one of the bookshelves. It was sucking up everything. Book were ripped off of their shelves and pulled into the rapidly expanding vortex of certain death. Dark matter began to spill out of the hole, causing rifts and distortions in the field of vision. The Doctor readied his sonic screwdriver; River pulled her laser pistol out of her pocket and pointed it at the gaping wormhole.
"One shot should do it," said River Song confidently. She winked at her husband, and fired.
To be continued…