A/N: Crack!Fic! Parody of the FRIENDS pilot HP style! Slight DH spoilers.
For the sake of the story, Tonks is a little older than her actual age, and Severus didn't choose to be a Death Eater- but is still working for DD as a spy. Oh! And Luna's mother makes an appearance as Sunny... and this explains why Luna is a little strange herself.
Set around '81?
(And I promise I didn't forget all about "Flashback." Sorry for those who have been waiting :()
So no one told you life was gonna be this way...
In Centaur Perk, some butterbeer and tea house in the heart of the Wizarding city New Yorkshire, lies four up and coming wizards, lazily taking a break from what they're actually supposed to be doing...
INT. CENTAUR PERK, BUTTERBEER AND TEA HOUSE- DAY, RAINY.
TONKS
There's nothing tell really, he's just some bloke I met at the bookstore.
SIRIUS
He was in a bookstore. There's got to be something wrong with him.
LUPIN
Alright Padfoot, be nice. So does he have a cane, a cane and a glass eye?
SUNNY
Wait, does he believe in Nargles?
(Everyone stares at her, bemused)
SUNNY
Just, because, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Xenophilius, oh!
TONKS
Ok everyone, just calm down. It wasn't even a date! Honestly, we just went out... he let me ride his broom.
LUPIN
Sounds like a date to me.
(TIME LAPSE- CUT TO SAME SET)
LUPIN
Right, so I'm back at Hogwarts, standing in the middle of the Great Hall, and I'm bloody naked.
ALL
Oh yeah, I've had that dream
LUPIN
Then I look down, and there's a chocolate bar... there.
SIRIUS
Instead of...
LUPIN
That's right.
SIRIUS
Never had that dream.
SUNNY
No.
LUPIN
All of a sudden, it starts unwrapping itself. Now I'm not sure what to do, everybody's starting to stare and-
TONKS
They weren't staring at you before?
LUPIN
It's nice you know, milk chocolate, and... I'm not happy. Which is weird because... I love chocolate!
(TIME LAPSE- CUT TO SAME SET. SNAPE has now entered)
SNAPE
(Mortified) Hullo.
SIRIUS
This guy says hullo, I want to kill myself!
TONKS
Are you alright?
SNAPE
I feel like someone shoved their wand down my throat, forced Bertie Botts, the vomit kind, into my already penetrated mouth, and showed me pictures of Argus Filch… naked.
LUPIN
Chocolate?
TONKS
(Explaining to others) Lily's getting married today.
SIRIUS
Ohh.
LUPIN
(To SNAPE) It's been almost ten years; you never told her how you felt?
SNAPE
...
TONKS
(To SNAPE) Let me fetch you some tea.
SUNNY
(Plucking at air in front of SNAPE) Oh. Oh!
SNAPE
No, no stop cleansing my aura! Leave my aura alone! I will be fine!
SUNNY
Fine! Be murky!
SNAPE
Really, everyone. I hope she will be happy.
TONKS
No you don't.
SNAPE
No I don't. To hell with Potter!
SIRIUS
He's the new captain of the Chudley Cannons!
SNAPE
Why does everyone keep fixating on that?!
LUPIN
Sometimes I wish I married the captain of the Chudley Cannons. Did I say that out loud?
SIRIUS
Look Snivillus-
SNAPE
Thank you Black.
SIRIUS
Look Snape. You're hurting. There's a lot of pain under that greasy head of hair. You know what the answer is?
SNAPE
What?
SIRIUS
Fairies! Hot, small, and cheap!
SNAPE
I don't want fairies! I want green eyes! I want red hair and women named after flowers! I want-
(LILY enters the room in a wet wedding dress)
LUPIN
And I want a million galleons! (Extending his hand hopefully)
TONKS
Lily?
LILY
Oh Merlin, Tonks hi! I just went to your flat and this guy with a huge ax said you might be here and you are, you are!
WAITRESS
Can I get you some tea?
TONKS
(Pointing at Lily) Firewhiskey. I hope you still recognize everyone ever since you and James took off.
LILY
Oh of course! Sirius, Remus! Oh I do apologize about the wedding! James did mean to send out an invitation.
LUPIN
That's quite alright, seeing that it doesn't really matter since you're here... and wet.
TONKS
And this is Sunny!
LILY
Oh of course, Xenophilius has mentioned you before!
TONKS
And you remember Severus.
LILY
Sev! Oh my, I hadn't expected you to be here...
(They go to hug, but SNAPE's cloak gets stuck to the couch. He sits down, deflated again.)
TONKS
A lot of things have changed since you and James left. So… are you planning on telling us now, or are expecting wet bridesmaids?
LILY
Oh, it started about an hour before the wedding. I was in the room were they kept all the gifts, and everywhere I looked... there were brooms. New brooms, bludgers, posters, jerseys. It was as if the Chudley Cannons vomited all over the room! And amongst all of the... merchandise, there was this cauldron. This beautiful onyx cauldron, and then I realized. I realized I had appreciated this cauldron more than James and I- I just had to get out of there. Then I started wondering. Why am I here? I didn't spend seven years at Hogwarts just to be some trophy wife! (To TONKS) So anyway, that's when I left, and I didn't know where to go. And I know that it's been years since I've seen you all... but you were the only ones I knew who lived around the city.
TONKS
Who weren't invited to the wedding.
LILY
Oh… I was really hoping that wouldn't be an issue...
INT. TONKS' FLAT- DAY.
(ALL present and watching DOLORES UMBRIDGE on a talk show)
SNAPE
Is it me, or is the pink actually radiating off the screen?
LILY
(On the phone) No James, I'm sorry. I really am! Oh really? Well I hope you and your precious teammates do win the championship! No I will not appear at your latest press conference!
(The scene on the TV has changed to a close up of UMBRIDGE)
SUNNY
(To TV) My best friends are tiny cats.
LUPIN
(To TV) She should not be wearing those trousers.
SIRIUS
I say, push her off the stage.
SUNNY, SIRIUS, LUPIN, SNAPE
Push her off the stage! Push her off the stage!
(She gets pushed off the stage, they cheer)
LILY
(Re phone) Look, I thought I was ready. I thought it was where I was supposed to be too, but now... (Rolls her eyes and covers the phone. To SIRIUS and LUPIN) James says hullo!
LUPIN
Tell him were not interested.
SIRIUS
I hope he falls off his bloody Nimbus 1000 the first game!
LILY
(Re phone) They can't wait until your first game! Listen James. Ever since I was eleven, I wanted to do something with my abilities... I just don't think being your armrest would be doing anything for the Wizarding World! Well it matters to me! Fine! I hope you'll be happy when wake up next to your bloody broom instead of me in the morning! I don't care about your house! Well maybe… maybe I'll just stay here with Tonks-
TONKS
Well I guess we've established that she's staying here with good old Tonks.
LILY
That's my decision. Well maybe I don't need your money. Wait, wait, I said maybe! (Hangs up)
(CUT TO SAME SET)
(LILY conjures up a paper bag and starts to breathe into it)
TONKS
It'll be alright... just you know, sing a little song, whatever you told me those Muggle movies said to do.
SUNNY
(Singing) Double, double, toil and trouble! Doub-
(TONKS and LILY turn to look at her)
LILY
Really, I'm all better now.
SUNNY
You're welcome! (Walks to the guys) I helped!
TONKS
This is for the best! Y'know? Take control of your life! Want me to dye your hair?!
SIRIUS
And if you need any help, you do remember who was voted most popular next to James seventh year...
TONKS
It's her wedding day!
SIRIUS
What, like there's a rule or something?
(The door buzzer is heard and buzzed repeatedly)
LUPIN
Please do not do that again, it's a terrible sound.
GILDEROY
Greetings! It's Gilderoy!
TONKS
Buzz him in!
SIRIUS
Who's Gilderoy?
SNAPE
Gilderoy Lockhart, the author?
TONKS
Maybe.
SIRIUS
Wait a moment, you're not-a-real-date is with Gilderoy Lockhart, that guy with the floppy blonde hair, the one whose books you've been reading all the time?
SNAPE
He finally asked you out?
TONKS
Yes! Lily, I can cancel tonight if you'd-
LILY
No, no! Don't be silly!
TONKS
(To SNAPE) So I guess this means Lily will be in the flat... alone tonight!
(There's a knock at the door. LUPIN gets it and gives out a quiet growl)
TONKS
Hi come in! Gilderoy, this is... everybody. Everybody, this is Gilderoy!
ALL
Gilderoy! Hi! I love your books! Gilderoy Lockhart!
LUPIN
I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name, Gilderoy, was it?
TONKS
Alright. Erm... I'll just be- I'll be right back, I just got to go-
SNAPE
Conjure up some verbs?
TONKS
Change! Alright, sit down. (Shows GILDEROY in) Two minutes.
(TONKS goes to change)
SIRIUS
Hey Lockhart.
GILDEROY
Yes, my less unworthy friend?
SIRIUS
Tonks really likes it when you call her Nymphadora-
TONKS
(Yelling from her bedroom) Shut up Sirius!
SUNNY
(Whispering to SIRIUS) This can't be good. He's covered in Wrackspurts!
SNAPE
Lily...
LILY
Merlin Sev, are you alright?
SNAPE
(Covering up) Yes, yes. I just, I just wanted to know what you were up to tonight...
LILY
Well, I was going to be in Atlantis tonight for my honeymoon, so now, nothing!
SNAPE
Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.... oh! No, no, it's a good thing because Atlantis, this time of year, it's quite... wet. (Thinks) Anyway, if you don't want to be alone tonight, Lupin and Black are helping me move into my quarters at Hogwarts.
SIRIUS
(Deadpan) And we're very excited about it.
LILY
Well thank you, but... I think I'm just going to sit around here for the night. It's been a long day.
SNAPE
(Clearly let down) Oh, alright, sure.
SIRIUS
Hey Sunny! Do you want to help us tonight?
SUNNY
Oh no thanks. Severus' place is full of Nargles.
EXT. PLATFORM 9 ¾- AFTERNOON
SUNNY
(Singing) Love is sweet as cold butterbeer, love is a magical work of art, but your love oh your love you love... is like a giant hypogriff... crapping on my heart. La la la la (Some guy gives her a galleon) (Spoken) Thank you! (Singing) la la la la la. Oooooh....
INT. HOGWARTS, SNAPE'S QUARTERS- NIGHT.
SNAPE
Take down that ridiculous Gryffindor poster for the love of God.
LUPIN
Yes... Professor...
(SIRIUS makes it vanish and makes it reappear when SNAPE looks away. LUPIN throws them drinks)
SNAPE
(Clutching it) This is Lily's favorite kind...
SIRIUS
Hey-hey-hey, if you're going to start with all that, we're out of here.
LUPIN
Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.
SIRIUS
Let me ask you a question Snape. You were there for her, well except those couple of years after during and after fifth year. Oh man, were you creepy, Merlin!
(SNAPE narrows his eyes)
CUT TO INT. RESTAURANT- NIGHT
TONKS
Merlin!
GILDEROY
Yes, and then after I slayed the dragon, they made me king of their
tiny country!
TONKS
Bloody hell you're-
GILDEROY
Amazing, brilliant, handsome, mult-talented, geniou-
(Cut to LILY on the phone)
LILY
James, James I'm so sorry. I really do hope you're happy. I'll be watching you on the telly and honestly, it's not you, it's me and I ju- (stops talking and dials) Sorry, machine cut me off again!
(Cut to SNAPE and the guys)
SNAPE
And the sad part is, she's never looked at me that way! It's always been James... and that Snape kid on Spinner's End with the greasy hair! And what if, what if there's only one woman for everyone?
SIRIUS
One woman? One woman? That's like saying there's only one wand for everyone!
LUPIN
Excellent metaphor my friend.
SIRIUS
Thanks. What if your wand breaks? What if you lose it in battle? My friend, there's Thestral hair, phoenix feathers! One woman? Move on Snape!
LUPIN
(Seriously) Bloody hell Sirius. I can't find my wand!
SIRIUS
What's that in your hand?
LUPIN
That's a chocolate bar.
(CUT TO RESTAURANT)
TONKS
Kingsley.
GILDEROY
Yes.
TONKS
Moody.
GILDEROY
Yes.
TONKS
Dumbledore?
GILDEROY
Within seconds.
TONKS
You mean to tell me that you've dueled and defeated each of those wizards?
GILDEROY
Of course. I'm brilliant!
(CUT TO INT. TONKS' FLAT- NIGHT)
LILY
(Flipping through the channels, unsatisfied) Lucky Muggles with their stupid romantic comedies!
(CUT TO THE GUYS)
SNAPE
Lily's the only wand I've ever had! And I lost her.
LUPIN
At least it wasn't made out of chocolate...
(SNAPE and SIRIUS look at him)
SNAPE
A new wand? I've had the same one since childhood!
SIRIUS
Great story! But I uh, I've got to go. I have a date with Elizabeth- Eleanor- Elizabeth... Oh man, (looks to REMUS)
LUPIN
Elizabeth's cries a lot; Eleanor turns into a cat when she gets too excited.
SIRIUS
Right. Thanks. It's Marianne. I'm outta here. (Exits)
LUPIN
Maybe you ought to give Lily a try.
SNAPE
It's her wedding day.
LUPIN
Not now, you know, when she's done eating dinner with that floppy haired twit-
SNAPE
Are you alright?
LUPIN
It's that time of month.
SNAPE
I'll fetch the Wolfsbane.
INT. TONKS' FLAT- NEXT MORNING
LILY
Now I don't know if you two will like this, it's what Muggles drink in the morning.
LUPIN
I'm sure we'd love it!
LILY
I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do.
LUPIN
Actually, I believe it's, if I can defeat the Dark Lord, there isn't anything I can't do.
SIRIUS
Feel free to, you know, cook other Muggle foods like that circular thing with cheese and little red circles on top of it, oh! And that thing with the two pieces of bread, and meat and cheese in between, with the stuff that looks like blood, but it's made of tomatoes- and... (Sirius and Remus taste the coffee)
(Lily turns to cast a spell on the sink)
LILY
I hope you like it; it's the first time I've made it in years-
(The boys grimace and spit it back into the cup)
SIRIUS
It's great!
(TONKS exits her room)
ALL
Morning. Good morning.
TONKS
(To herself) Lovely. The mutts are here.
(GILDEROY exits the room)
SIRIUS
(Slyly) Hello Gilderoy.
LILY
Mr. Lockhart.
GILDEROY
Good morning congregation!
LUPIN
Gilderoy is it?
(TONKS shows GILDEROY out the door and sets a charm so that the other nosy three can't hear them. The other's levitate TONKS' table closer to the door so that they can get a better view)
GILDEROY
I had a lovely time.
TONKS
Me too.
GILDEROY
I'll be working in Transylvania, but I'll be sending an owl later this week.
TONKS
We'll talk soon.
GILDEROY
Yes. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
SIRIUS
That wasn't a real date? What the hell do you do on a real date?
TONKS
Oh do shut up! (She points her wand at the table and it moves back)
LUPIN
Alright Padfoot, I believe Moody's waited long enough.
SIRIUS
Oh alright.
TONKS
Tell him I'll be running a bit late.
LILY
So, do you all work at the Order still?
TONKS
Yes, but Remus teaches Defense at Hogwarts from time to time, filling in for the poor sod who's stuck with the job.
LILY
Professor Lupin? Brilliant...
TONKS
Severus' still a bit bitter 'bout that, considering he knows so much about the subject. But Dumbledore wouldn't have it and gave him full time potions instead.
LILY
Of course.
TONKS
You should've seen Remus' last lecture. Brought out a boggart. Sirius came in to help demonstrate.
SIRIUS
You swore!
LUPIN
(Running out the door) "Help me Moody! There's roaches everywhere!"
(SIRIUS runs after him)
TONKS
So. How are you? (Smiling) Sorry, I'm so ah, bloody happy!
LILY
I can see that, your hair's been changing colors more than Sirius changes partners.
TONKS
Oh wow am I in trouble. Alright. I'm off to work. I'll see you soon.
LILY
Oh wish me luck!
TONKS
What for?
LILY
I'm going to see if I can get one of those... job things.
INT. NUMBER 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE- DAY
(TONKS enters the sitting room where ALICE LONGBOTTOM is reading a book)
ALICE
Hullo Tonks.
(REMUS walks in)
LUPIN
Alice. I hope you and Frank had a lovely time in China. Have you seen
Sirius?
ALICE
In the dining room with the Weasley's.
TONKS
So Alice! How was China?
ALICE
Oh, you know, Frank got food poisoning. You won't believe how many times I had to cast Scourgify. So... who is it?
TONKS
Who's what?
(REMUS exits, but stays close to the door so he can hear.)
ALICE
The man you're seeing?
TONKS
Have you ever read anything by Gilderoy Lockhart?
ALICE
Oh alright, playing mysterious by changing the subject. You know, he was spotted with that Lestrange woman the other night. They're supposedly heading off to Transylvania together, best not tell Sirius. He hates anything that has to do with his family. Poor guy.
TONKS
Yes, poor guy.
INT. CENTAUR PERK- DAY
(Everyone but LILY is present.)
SIRIUS
(Sitting on the arm of a couch.) Bellatrix, the sod. She would. He's rich, she's... insane.
TONKS
Why, why why?
SNAPE
You're young. I can't find any answer more sophisticated than "to get you into bed."
TONKS
I hate men!
SUNNY
Oh no. Best not put hate into the universe.
TONKS
Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of beacon that only dogs and men with severe problems can hear?
SIRIUS
Well I don't know. You sort of just described Moony over here-
(REMUS glares at him)
SUNNY
Alright now, it'll be alright. (She transfigures her an apple) Oh. I was really hoping for a cookie.
TONKS
I just thought, he was nice, y'know?
SIRIUS
(Bursts out laughing) Of all people! Bellatrix! He's certainly working his way into our family, huh Tonks?
(TONKS pushes him off the sofa as LILY enters with bags.)
LILY
Guess what?
SNAPE
You got a job?
LILY
Oh shoot, I forgot about that... no, I was at Diagon Alley...
LUPIN
The best stories always start off that way.
LILY
And Madam Malkin's had a sale for cloaks! (Takes out a new emerald cloak from a shopping bag) It's my, I don't need your house, I don't need your ego, I'm over you James Potter cloak!
TONKS
How'd you get this?
LILY
Uh, with a Galleon Card.
TONKS
Whose Galleon Card?
LILY
Erm... James'.
INT. TONKS' FLAT- DAY
(The six of them are sitting at the long table. Lily's Galleon Cards are spread throughout the table.)
LILY
Oh, is this really necessary?
TONKS
You need to sever your ties with him.
LILY
But-
SUNNY
Give her a break, she's going through a tough time.
LILY
Thank you.
SUNNY
I remember when I first came to the city. My mother had recently died when she was experimenting with spells, and my father's a Muggle. So I really had no clue what to do. Hogwarts was my only home. So my father gave me his most prized possesion, a Muggle instrument called the guitar, and sent me off to the city with no money or food. So trust me, I know exactly how you feel.
(Pause)
SIRIUS
Anyway...
LUPIN
It'll be alright, Lily. You and James were together for how long?
SNAPE
Six years, three weeks, and five days.
TONKS
Alright. You ready?
LILY
No I'm not ready. How can I be ready? It's like, trying to fly without a broom!
SNAPE
Well, you used to fly without a broom! When we were kids... (quietly now) on the swings...
TONKS
You can do it! I know you can! You're Lily Evans! I looked up to you!
LILY
Oh I'm not so sure...
LUPIN
Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (He looks over at SIRIUS)
SIRIUS
Snape, what was that one cutting spell? Just chant that baby over the cards and were all set.
SNAPE
I'm not going to Sectumsempra Galleon Cards, Black.
(LILY takes out her wand)
SIRIUS
Cut, cut, cut, cut
(She hovers her wand over one of them and it gets cut in half)
ALL
Cut, cut, cut, cut...
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.)
TONKS
Welcome to the Wizarding World! It's a pain in the arse. You're gonna love it.
(Time lapse. Cut to TONKS' Flat. TONKS and LILY are on the couch watching television and SNAPE's reading a book.)
TONKS
(To SNAPE) You going to crash on the couch?
SNAPE
No, no. I have to report back to Hogwarts sometime.
TONKS
Will you be alright?
SNAPE
Eventually.
LILY
Hey Tonks. Look what I just found on the floor. (TONKS smiles) What?
TONKS
That's Gilderoy's book. You can just leave it be. Goodnight everyone.
SNAPE, LILY
Goodnight.
(TONKS sets GILDEROY's book on fire with her wand and goes into her room.)
SNAPE
Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no-
LILY
Sorry.
SNAPE
Oh, no- you have it, really, I don't want it-
LILY
Split it?
SNAPE
Alright.
LILY
Okay. (They split it.)
SNAPE
I... I haven't spoken to you since fifth year.
LILY
Oh I remember.
SNAPE
I'm sorry.
LILY
Don't be. It seems that you've turned a new leaf.
(Pause)
SNAPE
You know you were probably not aware of this, but ever since the day at the playground, I..., I...
LILY
Oh I knew.
SNAPE
You did! Oh... I always figured you just thought I was your greasy haired friend.
LILY
I did.
SNAPE
Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense hatred for Potter be any kind of a factor here, but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
LILY
Yeah, maybe...
SNAPE
Alright... okay... maybe I will..
LILY
You know for a Slytherin, that was very Gryffindor of you Sev.
SNAPE
Goodnight.
LILY
Goodnight.
(LILY goes into her room and TONKS enters the living room. SNAPE starts to exit)
TONKS
See ya... what- wait, what's with you?
SNAPE
I think I've found my wand. (SNAPE exits and TONKS is perplexed.)
CLOSING SCENES- INT. CENTAUR PERK- DAY
(Everyone but REMUS is present.)
SUNNY
Nargles! You know...
SIRIUS
I still don't really know what they are...
TONKS
So Lily, are you excited for Monday?
SUNNY
Ooh, what's Monday?
TONKS
Flitwick's going on vacation, Lily's going to be the new Charms Professor.
SIRIUS
Charms, huh?
LILY
Oh, I don't know, I'm a bit nervous.
TONKS
You'll be seeing plenty of nervous first years, that's for sure.
SIRIUS
Ah yes, probably one of the best aspects of teaching, if I ever taught.
LILY
I guess that's one of the perks.
SUNNY
Oh really, what's another?
LILY
Well I get to run into Severus from time to time.
(Pause)
SUNNY
(Counting) One, two... five... where's Remus?
SIRIUS
Oh it's a full moon tonight. He'll be back soon.
(Cut to REMUS apparating to a house in Transylvania. He knocks on the door.)
GILDEROY
Ah, Lupin, was it? Do you need an autogra-
(REMUS punches him in the face and knocks him out.)
LUPIN
Sorry about that.
(He throws a chocolate bar at him)
LUPIN
It helps. It really does.
(He flattens his cloak apparates away.)
(Cut back to Centaur Perk. Remus apparates in.)
LUPIN
Did I miss anything?
SIRIUS
Lily over here's teaching Charms at Hogwarts.
LUPIN
(Looking over at SNAPE) Wonderful, wonderful. (Pause) So. New dream. I'm at the Yule Ball. I'm Mrs. Norris.
End