Titan Nerd's Anime Quest for the Ultimate Manga

So, if you can't figure it out, this is Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but done completely in anime, with some of my humor in it. Enjoy.

Scene I: The Beginning (skipping the subtitles. sorry)

Himura Kenshin peddled out of the fog in front of the large mansion. It was from his time, feudal Japan. Sagara Sanosuke followed him, turning an eggbeater as they went. Kenshin had his sword ready should he need it. Sanosuke had everything on his back, and was trying to keep up. He stopped when Kenshin squeezed the hand brake. They looked at the mansion.

"Some important feudal lord must live there," said Kenshin. "Let's ride up for a closer look."

He began biking forward again.

"Hello!" Kenshin shouted. No answer. "C'mon, this is an American dub! I know you understand me!"

"I understand you," Mugen replied. He stuck his head out a window. "What the fuck do you losers want?"

"My name is Himura Kenshin," said Kenshin. "This is my friend Sanosuke. We borrowed a bicycle from a girl from Tokyo, and we plan to return it to her."

"Fuck off," Mugen said without interest.

"It's true," said Sanosuke. "We borrowed the bike, but we also totaled it, so we have to return it and say we're sorry."

"You really did total her bike," said Mugen. "Look at yourself, man. Your bitch is carrying everything on his back and turning a goddamn eggbeater. How the fuck did you end up with an eggbeater?"

"I found it," said Sanosuke. "Not far from here, in fact. Right at the bottom of the hill by the river."

"Stop bullshittin'," said Mugen. "Come on, you guys. This is feudal Japan. I'm pretty sure eggbeaters haven't been invented yet."

"We are fictional characters of a fictional world," said Kenshin. "Besides, in your series, you have beatboxers, you played baseball against Americans, and you edit out the expletives with a DJ scratchpad, so I don't see why finding an eggbeater would be so uncommon."

"So you're saying that an eggbeater can travel through time," said Mugen. "Right."

"I know what I found," said Sanosuke, "And it's this eggbeater."

"Listen, shit-for-brains," Mugen responded, "Eggbeaters just don't exist yet. And you don't even have a bicycle, because you're using the eggbeater to make a bike-like noise. What the fuck is a bicycle, anyway?"

"Never mind that," said Kenshin. "We are currently seeking shelter because night will soon fall. Do you know who lives here?"

"How was the eggbeater when you found it?" asked Mugen, not listening. "Was it clean?"

"No, there was a little bird crap on it," said Sanosuke. "Why?"

"Birds lay eggs, don't they?"

"They do," said Kenshin, "But..."

"But nothing," said Mugen. "Next you'll say some stupid-ass bird dropped the eggbeater there."

"It's possible," said Kenshin. "This is a fictional world."

"It isn't possible," said Mugen.

"I say it is possible," said Kenshin. "A nightingale could very possibly have dropped it by the river."

"Bull shit," said Mugen. "Have you ever seen a nightingale?"

"I have."

"Tiny little fuckers, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are."

"And that eggbeater thing probably is about the same size as a nightingale."

"Your point being?"

"How strong do you think a nightingale is? I've seen those things, and there is no way in hell that a nightingale could lift something that weighs the same as itself."

"That's probably true," said Kenshin. "Now tell me who lives here. Is it you?"

"I don't live here," said Mugen. "I killed its owner and I'm seeing if he has any valuable shit lying around his house."

"How barbaric," said Sanosuke. "Next you'll tell us you kiss your mother with that mouth."

"No, I kiss cheap whores in brothels with this mouth," said Mugen.

"You know, an Asian nightingale might have trouble with an eggbeater," said Jin as he came to the window, "But probably not an African nightingale."

"Oh, yeah, definitely not an Asian nightingale," Mugen agreed, "But I'm pretty sure African nightingales don't leave Africa."

"That's true," said Jin. "So I guess it couldn't bring an eggbeater back to Japan."

"Let's go," Kenshin said to Sanosuke as the two of them left.

"Wait, here's a question," said Mugen. "Could two Asian nightingales carry an eggbeater?"

"They'd have to use a string," said Jin, "Carried in their little claws..."

Scene II: The Sci-Fi Zone

Sagara Sousuke walked through the military base with Kurz Weber behind him with the cart.

"Used and dead machines!" Sousuke shouted. "Bring out your dead machines!"

"And ladies can bring me used panties!" Kurz shouted with a smile.

"I've got a dead machine," said 009. "Ot at least partly machine."

"I'm not dead!" 002 insisted. "My mechanical components are working just fine. He's doing this so he can have 003 all to himself."

"What's that mean?" Kurz asked. "There's nine total."

"001's a baby," said 009, "And I'm the only adult male cyborg who is straight. He's defective. So how much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe him anything, Joe!" 002 pleaded. "Goddammit, man, I'm not dead!"

"Shut the fuck up, 002," said 009. "If 003 can take off her clothes in front of us and you can't get a boner, you're dead. How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," said Sousuke. "He isn't dead."

"He's dead for the reason I just said," said 009. "I mean, 006 is all gay, and he got it up. 002 is bisexual, and he couldn't get it up."

"006 got it up because you had your ass in his face," said 002. "I'm perfectly healthy and alive."

"You're only fooling these guys because they didn't finish high school," said 009. "Look, can't you just take him off my hands?"

"Not if he's alive," said Kurz. "Look, Joe, we've gotta move on to Dentech pronto. The computer virus is worse than we thought, and just about every Net Navi is affected. Megaman's already become spam."

"Okay," said 009, "But can't you stay another minute? I mean, 002 can't last much longer than this. Wait for it...6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. He's dead."

"I'm not dead, Joe," 002 insisted.

"Yes, Jet, you are," 009 insisted. "Now how much is it?"

"I'm getting better."

"No, you're not."

"If you put me down, I could walk."

"No, you can't," said 009. "Now stop being a baby and die already. Ah, look at that, he's dead."

"No, I'm not," said 002.

"Damn," said 009. "I mean...Look, I know Kurz will be back through here on Thursday. By then, 002 will have found a way to start rotting."

"I don't think he will," said Sousuke. "Look, we're not buying your story because it isn't true."

"Thank you!" said 002. "Now, will Joe please put me down? He's holding me in a way that I can't look anywhere else but at his ass, and I'm starting to get a hard-on, so GAH!"

"Oh, thank you very much," said 009 as he dumped 002 on the cart.

"No problem," said Kurz as he wiped the blood off the back of his pistol. "He was getting on my nerves."

"Right, then," said 009 as he opened his wallet. "So, Kurz, I'll see you Thursday, and Sousuke will be around here when?"

"Tomorrow," said Sousuke as he took 009's money.

"Okay," said 009 as Kenshin and Sanosuke passed by. "Hey, who's that guy?"

"I don't know," said Kurz. "He looked like a samurai."

"Couldn't have been a samurai," said Sousuke. "He had a bitch behind him."

"Well, whoever he was, he was at least someone important," said 009.

"How could you tell?" asked Sousuke.

"He didn't have shit all over him."

What did you think? Was this an epic fail, or should I keep going? Read and review! Please.