Not alive, just undead. If a zombie was someone who was dead but moving through the world like a live person, she was pretty sure she fit the definition. Ha, Castle would have enjoyed that morbid analogy. She couldn't sleep. Too much going on in her head after their conversation.
He lays in bed that night thinking about what she said. Now he feels incredibly guilty, a therapist.
She's been seeing a therapist the whole time.
Secretly he's always thought he knows more about her than she knows about herself. Loves observing her. How on earth had he missed this?
He remembers a few times, her checking the clock and hurrying off sans explanation. If he hadn't been so certain it had nothing to do with another man, he might have pressed harder, been more curious. He has questions about this therapist person.
Castle wonders if she ever spoke to him, was it a man? Or a woman?, about him. He wonders what magical skills one needs to possess to get Kate Beckett to open up. He wonders if this therapist could pass on a few hints. Rick's got some of those skills, he knows. He's been able to charm things out of her before, but her mother's case? Her shooting? Those are different. Even he knows to tread lightly in that area.
He wonders if the guy, he's decided it must be a male counselor, gives her advice. His Kate, how did she put it? Oh yeah, 'just wanted to put in the time. Do the work.' He's certain she'd want a logical, systematic approach. Just seems more right to him that she would choose someone male. Maybe a little older? Someone to replace Roy. He thinks about how hard that must be for her, to keep watching her confidants become human.
Well she certainly knows she's getting human with him. He's had enough screw ups to prove that to her. He smiles a little with the thought that maybe she's working backward in their relationship, taking him from human to trusted confidant instead of the other way around.
He flips over on his stomach, squeezes the pillow, trying to find a comfortable position.
She's almost where she wants to be. That's what she said. He wonders what that really means, what she really wants to be. God, his curiosity about her is never ending. Every time one part is satisfied, he finds himself distracted by another. Like a kid with ADHD. Never able to satisfy all those paths, all her furtive ways.
He smiles into his pillow, shifting his legs. Wishing she were lying right there, in that space, next to him. When had he gravitated to one side of this bed? He remembered a time when he laid right in the center, didn't have a 'side.' Wonders how long he's been subconsciously preparing himself for her. Jeez, maybe he should see a therapist.
It occurs to him that this therapist knows what he said to her that day. Isn't that ironic? She won't tell him she remembered but she might have told someone else? He feels the flare of anger on that one. He's pretty sure deep down that he shouldn't keep letting her off the hook. He's always been slow to anger, it's just not in his nature, but those months when she pushed him away? Yeah, they still burn a little. The knowledge that she knew he loved her but didn't want to deal with it? Yeah, that too. He understands her trauma, but he also understands her damn pride. The good news is that he's pretty sure she can heal that in him if she really means it about that wall coming down.
Their communication has been so abysmal this year that it makes him wonder how much he can trust himself to understand all that she was saying to him. He'd had that hope before and when it was squelched, he didn't like the man he reverted to. If that wall comes down, the metaphorical stopping point in having all of Kate Beckett, can he deny her anything? He's been chasing her so long, he's not sure what's going to happen if she lets herself be caught. Does that mean he gets to take the lead in their relationship? What's he supposed to do after all this time? Ask her out on a date like a teenage boy? Buy her a drink? Bring her home to meet the family? God they have done this whole thing backward. In fact, the more he thinks about it, he realizes there isn't anywhere to go. Intellectually, he's already there with her. Spiritually? Hadn't he just told Ryan that he believed in driving her crazy? Emotionally . . . that whole wall thing. She had said she wanted to accept 'everything that happened that day,' emphasis on everything. All that was left was the physical. And again, backwards. They'd done this whole thing backwards.
The clock is showing its 12:05. He still doesn't feel sleepy. He reaches for his phone.
It's tomorrow, he texts her, reminded of their earlier parting.
Can't sleep? Comes the reply. He's not sure he wants to tell her why.
Wake you up? Sorry.
Nope, can't sleep either.
We'll both be zombies in the morning. He's really proud of how clever he is sometimes.
The phone rings while he's waiting for her reply.
"Ha," she says flatly before he even gets out a greeting, "you're hilarious."
"Yeah, but you love that about me." Oops, maybe he's more tired than he thought, hadn't meant to throw that word out there.
"Yeah," comes her soft reply.
After a moment he finds his voice. He really has got to get a better grasp on her subtext.
"Can I ask you something?" He thinks the darkness and the lack of face-to-face communication is making him bold.
"Yeah."
He swallows before he can choke out the words, chickens out at the last second, "Were you as scared as I was in that zombie hoard?"
She laughs. "Just remember who the girl is in this relationship, okay Castle? How long have we been together? I wasn't gonna let anything happen to you."
He thinks maybe her pride is a good thing. She's always quick to defend her ability to protect him. And then it occurs to him.
"Were you trying to defend me from you?" His tongue is no longer checking in with his brain.
Now she's confused, what did he say?
"With that wall, were you trying to keep me safe from you?"
Uh oh, when did this conversation turn, and how had she missed it?
She doesn't say anything.
"You were protecting me from yourself?"
He can hear her swallowing back her feelings. I was a zombie.
"That's okay, you don't have to answer, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
"I'm sorry." She whispered. Closed her eyes. Bit her lip.
"I'm sorry, Cas. I . . .you deserve to know that if I could have, I would have. I'm sorry I hurt you." Her words to Burke returned to her, she had been scared she waited too long. His response to her earlier today had seemed to sooth that fear. Now it was time to deal with the consequences.
"Kate, I understand. I'm sorry you got hurt, that I couldn't protect you."
When she doesn't respond he knows he needs to back off.
"We really need to do more talking, you know? I'm going to have to bring you extra-caffeinated coffee tomorrow, maybe it will push us both out of our zombie walk and back into the land of the living."
"Yeah. I'd like that."
"I'd say until tomorrow except that it is tomorrow."
"How about you just say 'always' instead?"
"Always Kate."
After the sound of the dial tone on the line, she said it out loud,
"I love you too, Cas." She hoped when she had the courage to say those magic words to him it would bring her back to the land of the living.
A/N: Turn on your PM so I can send you a note back after you review! I know this didn't help anyone's 'Always' anxiety. But I love my muses, I love them and I just want them to be HAPPY. Review if you want them to be happy too . . .