Title: So You Say
Author: perfectioninmypride
Summary: "Mattie! You're here! You took your time didn't you?" "I had to fly here last minute. From Ottawa." "Sheesh. No need to get all defensive about it. You're Canada. Shouldn't be that hard." In which Matthew's familial loyalty is tested.

AN: This was a bit of an experiment for me. I wanted to try writing something lighthearted almost entirely in dialogue. It was pretty fun actually :D I'm writing this mainly to get out of my writers' block. Rest assured, I will be continuing Awards Night, and starting Turning Tables ASAP!

DISCLAIMER: It's not mine, and it never will be /sob

So You Say

~Don't wanna be an American idiot~

*Click*

"Hello?"

"Mattie! Sup, bro!"

"… Why are you calling me?"

"Can't a guy want to talk to his little brother?"

"At 2:45 in the morning?"

"Bloody idiot! Pass me the phone!"

"… What's going on Alfred? Is that Arthur?"

"Leave the poor boy alone Arthur!"

"Francis is with you too?"

"Yeah leave me alone! Sorry Matt, these two are just being major dicks. Could you maybe, like, I don't know… Do me a favor?"

"What do you want?"

"Just come pick us up. Please, bro!"

"Where are you?"

"New York."

"You realize I'm kind of in Canada right now, right?"

"Yep."

"And it's almost 3am."

"Uh-huh."

"…"

"…"

"Give me a few hours."

"Mattie! You're here! You took your time didn't you?"

"I had to fly here last minute. From Ottawa."

"Sheesh. No need to get all defensive about it. You're Canada. Shouldn't be that hard."

"Matthieu, mon cher! So lovely of you to come help us out!"

"How did this happen? Just... how?"

"Blame the frog."

"It was not the fault of my beautiful self!"

"Bloody well was, you bastard! Matthew, you've got to get me out of here. I had nothing to do with this."

"LIES! HE'S LYING BRO!"

"Oh really, Arthur? I would think our situation is entirely your fault!"

"It is not!"

"MORE LIES."

"Shut it Alfred!"

"Stop arguing for a second! Start from the beginning."

"Very well. You see, Matthew, this is all Francis' fault."

"I was not the one who decided to throw a chair, mon cher."

"Hey, watch it! He said start at the beginning, and the beginning was your fault."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night…"

"Don't flick your hair at me, you bloody blond ponce!"

"We're both blond, you know."

"Ponce? What's a ponce? I'm pretty sure that's not a word dude."

"Don't correct my English! I'm bloody England! Just because your bloody country ruined my beautiful language…"

"Are you going to cry again? Because I've totally seen enough of that tonight."

"Guys… can we get back to the story?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"We had a stor- Hey! You didn't need to hit me, you jerk!"

"My, my, we are mean tonight Arth- You did not need to hit me either!"

"I swear if the two of you don't shut the bloody hell up I will curse you so hard your citizens will feel it!"

"Um…"

"Oh, right. Sorry about that Matthew. Now where was I?"

"Blaming myself for all your probl-"

"I thought I told you to shut up!"

"You cannot silence the voice of truth and reason, no matter how hard you try!"

"Francis… please let him tell the story?"

"… For you, mon cher. Carry on then, oh-great-deluded one."

"…"

"What was that Arthur? Speak up, I do not think Matthieu can understand your mumbling."

"I will hurt you."

"Yo, guys? As hilarious as I think this is..."

"Right, the story. OK, so there we were, all at a UN Security Council Meeting. We'd just finished wrapping up an amendment to an article on Nuclear Weapons policy for-"

"God you suck at telling stories Arthur. Let me tell it!"

"I do not-"

"Anyways! We were all done with the boring ass meeting when Franny here-"

"Alfred mon cher, please don't call me that."

"But it suuuuuiiiiiiits you! Hey, don't roll your eyes at me Arty!"

"Don't call me that! Stop laughing frog-face."

"Jealous of my beautiful features, Arty?"

"Shut up! So there Franny was, all like 'dude, onhonhon we should go to a bar' all French-y, and then Arty-"

"Arthur!"

"-was like 'bloody hell, bollocks we shouldn't because I'm bloody uptight and all' so Franny was all 'you can't handle my French drinking skills' and Arty-"

"Arthur!"

"-gets all 'yeah right whatever guv'ner' and stuff. And that's how we ended up here."

"…"

"Look how completely stunned he is by my storytelling abilities! I am the bomb!"

"That was the worst story I've ever heard. I do not speak like that."

"You're just jelly that I'm more interesting than you."

"I disagree Arthur. Alfred, that was a beautiful story."

"See Arty!"

"Arth- oh why bother…"

"Franny likes my story!"

"… Alfred?"

"Yeah Matt?"

"I think I need to hear that one more time…. But this time, someone else tell it, okay?"

"Can't handle the awesome a second time round? That's understandable. Right, you want to go Franny?"

"But of course, cher. I will admit, it was indeed my idea to visit a bar. Unfortunately, it was not myself who decided to get as drunk as a dumpee on February 13th. That, pleasure, was entirely Arthur's."

"Actually, that was pretty hilarious. You should have been there Mattie! Arthur got super wasted and started arguing with some random in the corner about Shakespeare and Lord Biro and Stephenie Meyer."

"Lord Byron and Stephen King!"

"Same thing!"

"That was not the half of it, mon cher, but merely the beginning of our tale… oh what is wrong, Arthur? You look so worried all of a sudden!"

"I don't think we need to tell him the rest of-"

"Oh! Non non non, I insist! Did you know that Arthur has quite the melodic voice? How did you describe it again?"

"He doesn't need to hear-"

"Oh, that's right! Something along the lines of, and I quote, 'I am the bloody greatest singer since the Spice Girls! I'm like, if the Spice Girls and the Beatles were combined, I am that bloody great! I'm bigger than Britney!' Quite the boast, really! Oh and then gave that lovely performance of-"

"Francis! Don't!"

"Dude! Let him tell the story! This is the best part!"

"'Sexy and I Know It', dedicated to Russia's sisters and 'girlfriend', who you so drunkenly mistook China for."

"It wasn't that bad, Matthew, I swear-"

"It really was that bad dude! I liked the bit where he jumped on the table and hurled a chair at the bouncer for 'interrupting his flow.'"

"… I will never drink again, I swear."

"Arthur…"

"Keep your Canadian disappointment face to yourself! Besides, it's not like I was the only person at fault here. Cough, you French bastard, cough."

"Hey, you know when you do that whole cough thing, you're like supposed to be subtle, and not just say cough, right?"

"Moi? Arthur, please. I did nothing wrong! You must still be drunk."

"Oh, no, you bloody wanker! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!"

"I merely expressed my appreciation for the beauty exquisitely shown by the face of that most adorable barkeeper!"

"He really didn't appreciate you referring to him as 'the great goddess Venus in angelic human form', did he?

"Some men cannot take a compliment!"

"I think he really snapped when you called him the prettiest woman in the bar, then started flirting with that Asian chick…"

"How was I supposed to know that was his girlfriend?"

"She threw a drink at you!"

"I believe she was throwing a drink at the man doing a striptease on the countertop… Eyebrowed Spice himself!"

"I don't remember a – oh right!"

"That is it!"

"Arthur, no!"

"Woah, Arty!"

"Get your tasteless, badly manicured hands off me!"

"MAKE ME, you alcoholic scumbag!"

"Moi? Alcoholic? THAT IS YOUR PROBLEM."

"Hair pulling? REAL MATURE!"

"AS IS THE SCRATCHING, MON AMI."

"STOP IT. BOTH OF YOU."

"No! Mattie, this is hilarious!"

"Alfred, get them off each other now before one of them dies… or is severely injured!"

"… Fiiiiiiiiiiiine."

"Unhand me you twat!"

"Let go! I was winning!"

"Yeah right, cheese-breath!"

"SHUT UP YOU HOSERS OR I SWEAR I WILL LEAVE YOU ALL HERE TO ROT!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Oh, maple! Sorry."

"Ugh, quite alright Matthew."

"No need to apologise, mon cher."

"Uh, yeah, bro?"

"So… how exactly did you end up here with them Alfred? Because I don't see Russia and China here…"

"Oh… I tagged along because I wanted to ride in the police car!"

"W-what?"

"Matthew, your brother is an idiot."

"I blame you, Arthur, and your terrible parenting. Look at how mon petit Matthieu turned out!"

"You… wanted… to ride… in the police car."

"Yup!"

"That's it? That's the only reason you're here?"

"Well…"

"Al."

"I kind of, almost, maybe, might have set off a national security alert by talking about the nuclear defense systems of America and how hilarious using them to blow up the White House toilet would be while drunk off my ass."

"OK…"

"Well, actually, the police let me off for that, but I really wanted to ride in the front of the car!"

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Ahahahahahahahaha… nope."

"I hate you."

"I love you too bro! Wait… Mattie! Where are you going? Come back!"

"Matthieu! Mon petit, mon cher, mon ami! You cannot leave me here with these crazy people!"

"That's my line! Matthew! Come back!"

"Mattie! YOU ARE THE WORST BROTHER EVER!"

… Well, that was rather cracktastic, at least, for something I've written. I don't know what got into me while writing this XD