Title: Aftermath
Pairing: Kono & Steve
Rating: T for now but will most likely be bumped to M in the next chapter
Summary: Steve and Kono deal with the aftermath of their kidnapping by Wo Fat.
We believe that we can change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
- Fallen, Sarah McLachlan
It's been three weeks.
Twenty-one days since they'd been rescued from the hellhole where Wo Fat had taken them.
Five hundred and four hours since Danny and Chin (and a number of Hawaii's Finest) had come barging through the metal door that stood between them and freedom.
Thirty thousand, two hundred and forty minutes since they'd emerged from the darkness that had surrounded them for that one week they were kidnapped.
One million, eight hundred fourteen thousand, four hundred seconds since he'd last slept without waking up in cold sweat, hands tingling in memory of the feel of hot skin under his fingertips, nose twitching in remembrance of the smell of sweat and fear and the musk of…
He forcefully shut down that train of thought, knowing that to allow them back in would break the already fragile hold he had of his sanity. The same way he knew that she'd been burying the memories of those seven days as far back into the recesses of her mind as possible without having an actual lobotomy.
"Did they do a ra…"
"No." she answered in anticipation of his question.
"But…"
"I told them there was no reason to do so…"
"Kono…"
"Just drop it…Boss."
He flinched at her deliberate use of the moniker. "I'm …"
"I swear if you say sorry one more time…" her voice broke at the last word.
"We need to talk about it…"
"No, we don't."
"But…"
"It's not your fault!"
"Wo Fat wouldn't have taken you if…"
"It's not your fault!" she repeated, more forcefully this time.
"Kono…"
"Please! Just…please….accept the absolution I am offering and let it go…"
"I can't!"
"You have to!"
"So, what? We're just going to pretend that it never happened?"
"Yes!" she insisted.
"You know I can't do that…"
"You need to if you want the team to survive…"
"Kono…" he tried again.
"If you can't do it, then I'll leave the team…"
The silence told her that her threat had been effective. He would drop it…if only to keep her on the team.
And so he tries to forget. He tries to get back to normal even though every single day is a struggle. He keeps waiting for her to break down so he could do it too, but she never does. And so he pretends that he is okay as well. That he doesn't still wake up in the middle of the night gasping in memory of what happened. He'd been in shitty situations during his stint as a Navy SEAL – including that other time that Wo Fat had held him in North Korea – but he'd always been able to bounce back and with less effort. But he can't seem to shake this. Maybe it is the proverbial straw that finally broke the camel's back…he really doesn't know.
The governor makes them go to counseling and he has no choice but to go through the motions. He makes sure she does it too. He doesn't know what she tells the shrink, but if it's anything like what he says, it isn't much. Still he makes the effort and prays every day for peace of mind that he knows probably would never come until they really deal with the whole issue. He takes her advice and calls on Catherine but finds no comfort in her presence at all. And even though she is there, trying to help, he still wakes up most nights gasping out someone else's name and it kills him each time Catherine looks at him in understanding despite the question he sees in her eyes. It is a relief when Catherine's furlough ends and he's left alone once again with his thoughts and the ever present need to go and check up on her every night. Just to make sure she is still safe, even though he sees her at HQ every day.
He's never worked harder than he has at compartmentalizing but he knows it's the only way he can go on.
But just when he thinks they really might be on the way to being normal again, she goes and throws him off his game again.
She resigns.
She fucking resigns.
And it's all he can do not to shake her and shout at her for an explanation. Because she's deluded if she actually thinks he'll be okay with this. But she takes off with Chin, and avoids him.
He is at her door the minute Chin's car leaves her drive.
"What the fuck is this?" he shouts as he waves her resignation letter and pushes his way inside her apartment.
She doesn't react as she follows him and sits on the sofa. "I'm resigning."
"Why?" He asks. The question laden with all that hasn't been said between them since they'd been back.
He sees her struggle for something to say before she schools her features into something close to indifference. "I can't do this anymore…"
Her answer takes the wind off his sails and he finds himself sitting down because his knees have gone weak. "You mean police work?" He asks, even though he knows she means something else. It is then that he finally sees her break down and it takes all he has not to go to her and take her in his arms because he knows he's the last person she probably needs comfort from. "You mean me then…" he says woodenly. "You can't work with me anymore…"
He gets his confirmation when she just cries harder and he wills himself to stand up and leave, because not contaminating her with his presence is the least he can do. But his limbs are frozen, just like his insides are. "I thought you said it wasn't my fault?" He knows it's unfair to ask but he can't help it.
"It isn't…" She manages to answer.
"Then why…" And he hates it that the question comes out weakly.
"I thought I could..." she stops as though unsure of how to continue.
"You must hate me then…" He is unprepared for the pain that comes with this realization.
"No!" Her violent objection makes him look at her. "No…Steve I don't hate you…"
"Then why?"
"I need to forget and I can't do it here…" She answers helplessly.
And he gets it. He really does. But he needs her here. For his own sanity, he needs her here.
"Kono…"
"Please Steve…if…if you really want to help me forget, you need to let me go."
"Where?"
"I…Does it matter?"
"What the fuck, Kono? Of course it matters. Wo Fat…" He sees her flinch at his nemesis' name and all the rage he feels for the bastard almost overwhelms him. "I'm so sorry…" he apologizes again, knowing that it's not enough.
"I swear to God, if you apologize one more time I'm gonna deck you!"
He almost wishes she does so. Maybe then he'll feel less guilty for dragging her into this whole mess. He tries to joke about it, "That's the Kono I know and lo…" but stops when he realizes what he's about to say.
"I just need time away from all this, Steve."
He is both glad and dismayed that she ignores what he says. "I'm not accepting your resignation…but I will give you a leave of absence…"
She sighs tiredly. "Okay."
He reaches out to take her hands in his but stops when he sees her try not to flinch. He swallows the lump in his throat and tells her, "Hit me."
"What?"
"If you need to take it out on someone, use me." He wills her to do so.
"Steve…"
"Please. Just hit me." He begs.
"Steve…" She says his name again.
"Hurt me if it'll make you feel better." He chokes on the words. "Just don't hate me…"
"I don't hate you." Her words come out harshly and he flinches.
"You can't even bring yourself to touch me…how can you say you don't hate me when you can't even…"
He is unable to continue because she's wrapped her arms around him and fuck it if he doesn't feel like crying because he's so relieved that even though she probably hates his guts, it's not enough to stop her from touching him. And then he is wrapping his arms around her, half afraid she'll push him, but instead she clings to him as though he's the anchor that stops her from floating away.
"I'm so sorry…" he repeats the words over and over as he too clings to her.
"It's not your fault…." She keeps reassuring him through her tears.
"Don't leave…" He breaks and begs her again.
She doesn't answer but tightens her hold on him.
It's the first time he really feels hopeful that they might actually be okay.
She leaves anyway.
He almost books a flight to see her several times. But they have cases and with one team member gone, he can't afford to leave. The governor is all up his ass trying to get her replaced but he cashes in whatever clout he's got left with the big guy to buy her more time. Every day he asks Chin for word. But every day he gets the same answer. He tries to feel grateful for the fact that they at least know where she is. And that she regularly checks in with her cousin so he knows she's okay.
When they finally get a break, he is all set to go see her. But Catherine comes and he feels guilty for neglecting her and so he stays, even if he has to pretend he's not really thinking about her, or worrying about her. So he asks Danny to visit her instead, to make sure she's alright. If his partner looks at him strangely at this request, he ignores it. He is grateful that for once, Danny doesn't ask even though he knows he has questions. He considers telling Danny about what Wo Fat has put Kono and him through, because the guilt is eating him up alive. But he has to think about her too and he knows she doesn't want either of their partners to know. So he keeps it all in and vows to continue to keep it in, even if it kills him.
He is at Danny's doorstep the minute he hears he's back. He knows immediately that something is wrong when he sees his partner's expression. He braces himself for bad news, but Danny is uncharacteristically reticent in sharing information.
"How is she?" He asks.
"She's…." Danny looks like he's considering what to say. Or maybe, how much to say.
"What's wrong?"
"What makes you think something's wrong?"
"Why are you deflecting?"
Danny sighs loudly. "She's fine…more or less e…"
"What do you mean, more or less?"
"She's not coming back."
"What?" He can't have heard right.
"She's not coming back…"
The words make his knees weak and he slumps where he stands. "Did she…" his voice breaks. "Did she say why?"
"She's…" But the blonde detective stops and just shrugs.
"What the fuck Danny?"
Danny looks at him intently and asks with an intensity that freezes the blood in his veins, "What really happened to the two of you when you were kidnapped?"
AN: Okay, I have no business posting this when I still have 3 fics that need finishing (and am up to my ears in coding) but this has been sitting in my laptop for ages. The idea for this has been in my head since before I wrote 'Third Time's the Charm' and I have hesitated posting and/or continuing this cause it's a lot darker and more angsty than what I normally write and I thought that if I just concentrate on 'Once Upon a Kiss' that I'd forget about this…so yeah, that was obviously a failure. Anyway, am posting this so I'm forced to actually finish it and take it to wherever it may lead.