LOVE, Pain, and Questions.
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of that Stephenie Meyer does!
Summary: Short Bella POV about the pain she feels having to tell Jacob that she doesn't love him enough to be with him. A little based on the pain I feel in my life for something similar to what she had to deal with. Pain happens, we live, we learn, we deal!
Bella's POV.
How do you talk to a guy? How do you tell a guy that you know you love, that Love just isn't enough? Not this love, this Love isn't enough to be with him. Not in the why he wants! A guy that really loves you and with no good reasons at that. A great guy, sweet and funny, always there when you need him kind of guy. A best friend kind of guy but all he wants is MORE! More then you can give not because you don't love him but because the love you feel isn't enough. THIS SUCKS! I can't think and yet I know what I want to say but when I see that face … I can't speak the words that I know I should say. The words that will take him from my side and leave him heart broken. … I know I should, it would be the right thing but if that's true then why I do I feel so much pain knowing that I have to do this! Did I mention that this really SUCKS!
You hear stories and watch movies that all show the pain of the ones that have to be heart broken from unrequited love but what about the pain of those who have to hurt them! What about that side of the story? Who tells that side, who shares that pain with the world? Everywhere you look you can find the heart broken souls that have Loved and lost but what of those who have loved but it wasn't enough so they had to cast off that love and feel that pain? I feel that pain. It HURTS and it kills me knowing that he hurts! I can name quote after quote, movie after movie, song after song that all tell the side of the one that is cast aside. Where is my side of the story? Well I think I can answer that question by telling it myself!
First let me just say that it does suck and you will hurt! Bad! I now know that I love him but that's not enough. Not by a long shot and I hate that it hurts him. I know that's why it kills me to think that I have to tell him but what else can I do? I love Edward more! My story is a sad and twisted turn of fate and she is a bitch! Jacob MADE me see the truth that he had been trying to get me to see for so long and now because of this I have to brake his heart and tell him that love isn't enough. Its not enough because the love I feel for him just doesn't compare to the love I feel for Edward. In my heart I will never feel anything as much as I feel for Edward. Loving someone else was almost impossible to admit and to be honest I felt a little sick after I did. OK, I felt a lot sick! Sick and angry and just plain awful! And of course Edward didn't help much, he was all sweet and comforting and just too damn perfect!
I know Jacob is a great guy and he is my best friend. If it weren't for him I would have lost my mind or worse … I would have ceased to exist. He helped me in my darkest times and made things a little less then the nothingness that I felt. I couldn't have survived without him and now I have to live with the consequences of that survival. This however is proving to be a tad more difficult then I had thought. At least before I could say I loved Edward and be done with it, but now I know I love him to. Stupid Jacob! But I really don't want to blame Jake, not that I could either. He just made me see what I already knew. Some part of me HAD TO know… right! Tell me, what do you say to tell a guy that love isn't enough to be with him? Its not fair to him and I hate his pain! No one has these answers, the don't exist and I know that but still I sit here thinking and asking no one these questions, praying for the answers to come. They won't but still I pray for them. Its hopeless. I told him I love him and that is something I will never take from him but if I could take his pain, I would! I would live forever with all the pain he had to feel and all of the pain I know I will feel just for him to be happy! But I know I can't and I know that one day I will look back and know that I did the right thing by telling him. But what do I tell him? How do I make him see? See that I can't make him happy because as happy as I would be with him, I know that I will never be whole without Edward.
In a strange kind of way I am more of a monster then Edward thinks he is. I pray on those who won't fight back! I break their hearts and drain their souls until there is just nothing left but a sad and broken shell and then when I feel enough has been done, I finally try to do the right thing but by then it is too late and nothing can be saved. His heart will heal and so will his soul but the pain of knowing what I caused will never leave me, no matter how long I live. It will be there; maybe buried deep in the back of my ever expanded mind. But still forever there! Right now I can not say how I am going to live with all the pain I feel and the pain that has yet to come but as long as it sets him free, then I will face that pain with a smile. I will live my life happy and lovingly with Edward; always knowing the pain I put Jacob in and praying that he will find that someone that will make him happy and save him from feeling that pain ever again. I truly hope he finds her, that she deserves him but I find it hard to believe that anyone out there would ever be good enough for him. Not my Jacob. But then again his isn't MY Jacob and as long as Edward is in this world he can never be MY JACOB and nothing can change this. He will find someone someday and she will make him happy and heal his wounds. The deepest he may ever have and all because of me.
Some times life sucks and sometimes so does Love because you can't love one and have the other as well. And even though I do love Jacob, I LOVE Edward more. Its unfair and hurtful but its also true and nothing can change this! People say that life is unfair and we should grow up and deal with this but to deal with love is more of a challenge then I ever thought it would be. Not that I ever gave much thought to Love before. The good, bad or other wise! So now I must go and tell him that I can never be the Bella that he wants me to be. I can't be with him even though I do love him. Love just isn't enough and as unfair and painful as it is, it can never be enough to make me leave Edward. THIS SUCKS AND IT HURTS!
A lot of people don't realize this but there are so many types of Love. Love means many things to many different people. It's a simple word but at the same time it is one of the worlds most powerful words! In these days that one word is used in the wrong way for all the wrong reasons. You can love some one with all your heart and yet you still will never be in love with them. You can be in love with someone and think the world of them but still feel love for some one else. Love comes and goes but sometimes it is a forever changing thing. You love your family and friends but always in different ways. Some will love their families more than friends while others love friends more than their family and others will love no one. It is difficult to understand the love you feel sometimes especially if you don't try too hard to see. You can blind yourself of how you really feel and make yourself believe something is more or less than what it really is! This is a powerful defense we all possess, how we use this depends on the situations we are in and the feelings hidden within. Love is a tricky thing and to fully understand our feelings takes a good, deep look into to bit of who we are and what we truly want, need and desire. So how do you tell a guy that you love him but that love is not enough to Love him? I can ask this question all day every day till I'm blue in the face but I will never know the answer any better then I do in this very moment. I just know that I have to try and try I will. This has to end. His pain and suffering has to end. Even if this causes him pain now I know that in the end the right thing is to tell him.