The Angry Worrier
I've just watched Tuvix, Resolutions and the start of Basic's part 1 in a single afternoon. This little story came to me. I'm not a Janeway/Chakotay fan, but here goes.
Sleep wouldn't come, no matter how she tried. Kathryn, that's how she'd begun to think of herself over the last eight weeks, finally understood she needed to let go. Let go of all that came before this moment and of her expectations for the future. Let go of the responsibility and learn to live, to achieve those goals that piled up in her bucket list without a hope of ever accomplishing them. But most of all, Kathryn needed to let go of being Captain Janeway, Starfleet officer and learn how to become herself.
While she had her head in the clouds, continuing to court the possibility of a cure, escape and return to her ship, Chakotay observed and listened and did. He'd chosen to live in the present, to be content, to make a new life with what he had at hand and his incredible skills. Being trapped on this planet, with only Chakotay for company had changed them both as much as the recent plasma storm.
Or brought out our real personalities, an odd little voice in her subconscious considered. How well do I truely known Chakotay? Have I every really let myself become more than his commanding officer? We haven't forged more than a working relationship in the two years aboard Voyager. We both did what was necessary to keep our people alive and the ship heading for home. Yet two months on this planet and he's already responding to my subtle needs, needs I've not even realised I had.
Sighing, Kathryn knew she needed to face the huge white elephant that appeared in they shelters main room, sooner rather than later. There'd always been a subtle attraction between them. How could their not be, when they knew the responsibility of command, of following orders, of making the hard decisions. There were others on board who were of a similar age, but their experience lacked the dedicated focus required by a leader and the necessary ability live with the almost impossible choices required to survive under the current conditions.
Then there was Mark, back in the Alpha quadrant. Not so long ago, Kes came to her when Neelix and Tuvok were fused into one being, looking for council and reassurance. The situation was similar but not the same. Yet the words Kathryn offered the young Ocampan reverberated in her heart.
Do we accept that we're separated from our loved ones forever, or do we hold onto the hope that someday we'll be with them again?
Hope was an extravagance neither Kathryn or Chakotay could consider under the present circumstance. They'd come to this planet, so Earth like without higher primates, to gather much needed resources and relax on a little shore leave. It had taken an insect bite to shatter the illusion and uncover the reason why evolution had never occurred on this world. Fever, aches, pain were only the first symptoms. While the doctor worked tirelessly to come up with a solution, the Captain and her First Officer suffered. Eventually they'd needed to go into stasis. The rest of the crew were screened and found to be healthy. Why only Janeway and Chakotay had been infected was simply an act of fate.
Now she had come to idea of accepting they were separated from their loved ones for the remainder of their lives. If not by distance, then by death. Both Janeway and Chakotay knew leaving this planet meant a dying. Something on the surface allowed the virus to remain dormant. After the plasma storm, their makeshift laboratory destroyed, any hope of a cure had vanished and Kathryn needed to come to terms with the change in her life.
I struggle with it every day. Sometimes I'm full of hope and optimism. Other times, I'm terribly discouraged.
Unable to stand her thoughts another minute, Kathryn Janeway remembered the incident that brought about this introspections. It was the last act of many over the weeks and possibly the most important that Chakotay offered with out hope of a reward. Until they had it out in the open, how could either of them come to terms with the fact they were the only people on this planet, and would be for the rest of their lives.
"We have to talk about this," Kathryn stated as she emerged from her sleeping area. Thoughts of that neck rub, of what it meant, started her mind down a pathway that had no end in sight.
Locking eyes with Kathryn, Chakotay offered a smile and quite, "all right." He continued to give off an aura of peace and tranquility.
"I think we need to define some parameters about us," she stated.
"Us?" Questioned Chakotay, his warm eyes quizzical and accepting.
Confused, Kathryn wondered when you and I stopped and us commenced. The emotion radiated from her clear blue orbs as she considered the quandary. It had occurred so gradually, starting with the offer to drop her Starfleet title and use her Christian name.
"I'm not sure I can define parameters. But I can tell you a story, an ancient legend among my people. It's about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years, he struggled with his discontent. But the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself. One day he and his war party were captured by a neighbouring tribe led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave and beautiful and very wise. The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on, her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace." Not once during the tale did Chakotay look away from those startling blue eyes.
"Is that really an ancient legend?" She asked, understanding the reference only two well.
"No," Chakotay offered a slight smile, "but that made it easier to say."
Reaching across the table, Kathryn offered her hand in acknowledgement of all that had been communicated so eloquently. Chakotay didn't shy away from the offer of a new start between them. Sighing, Kathryn found tears rolling down her cheeks. Without breaking the hold, Chakotay moved around the table separating them. His fingers reach out, wiping away the fat droplets and coming to rest cupping her cheek.
"Kathryn," he said, so softly, her eyes were drawn to him, "we have all the time in this world."
That bought a sardonic chuckle to her lips. "I can't stop thinking about all those we've left behind. I remember Kes coming to my quarters, confused about the Tuvix situation. I told her, sometimes I'm full of hope and optimism. Then I dream about home and it's so real that I feel terribly discouraged. In those moments, it's impossible to deny just how far away we are. Today," she stopped, her gaze capturing Chakotay's with a compelling expression, "I've realised we're never going home, not even back to Voyager. She's light years away and getting further with each passing moment. Nor would I want the crew to return for us, it would put them all in danger."
"Even if we can't be with them," Chakotay offered, a sad smile covering his lips, "we can sent our good wishes out into the universe. We can hope and dream of the day they arrive in the Alpha quardrant."
Nodding, Kathryn broke eye contact and allowed her head to rest on Chakotay's shoulder. A sigh shuddered through her body as she felt his hand leave her cheek, only to wrap around her shoulders. Bringing her closer to the warmth and protection offered by his body, he untangled their fingers. She felt lost, abandoned, until he pulled her even closer, wrapping her in both arms.
~~==\/==~~
"This is not my responsibility!" Chakotay almost shouted. "Seska has no right!"
A further three months had passed on the planet they'd called New Earth before Tuvok retuned with Voyager and a cure for their virus. Alone after their confession, the relationship between then turned intimate. Together they'd forged a new normal, one were they shared a bed every night and a life during the daylight hours. Kathryn and Chakotay worked, talked, loved and survived, learning to live as the only sentient beings on their idealic planet.
What had been done could not be so easily undone. Returning to Voyager, their roles as Captain and Fist Officer came easily. The difficulties commenced with their new level of understanding on a more intimate level. Yet, in the six weeks since their return, they'd somehow managed to keep their public and private life separated.
"She knows you, Chakotay," Kathryn, not Janeway offered, "as do I. She knew how you'd react when you saw your son in danger."
"I have a duty to this crew," he turned away, closing his eyes, "to you. I can't just leave and go looking for the child."
Bitting her lip, Kathryn battled with Janeway. "As Captain," she demanded his attention return to her, "I'd never consider letting you go into a Kazon-Nistrim stronghold by yourself. If we do this, we do it together."
"Do you think it's a trap?" Chakotay really didn't need to ask, yet he wanted his lover, not his captain to answer the question.
"Do I think Seska is capable of manipulating you with this? Oh, yes," Janeway stated emphatically. Softening, Chakotay new the moment his captain turned into Kathryn, "but we have the advantage. Seska doesn't know about us, about the bond we forged on New Earth, or…"
"Or what," Chakotay had an idea. In fact, he'd suspected for the last few weeks but Kathryn hadn't said anything, so he'd patiently waited.
Sighing, she headed up the steps to her couch. Taking the seat at the end, she curled into a ball and peered into the nothingness beyond. It took several minutes for her to collect her thoughts. Suddenly a smile erupted and her blue eyes turned on him.
"Always my angry warrior," she whispered, eyes imploring him to break her self-imposed rules about fraternisation outside their quarters.
Chakotay couldn't ignore that look. Sitting beside her, Kathryn moved to his side. Automatically, his arms went around her. They sat in silence for several minutes before Chakotay allowed on hand to rest on her abdomen only to have it enveloped in one of Kathryn's. He felt the slight swelling. Closing his eyes, all the pieced fell into place.
"Your pregnant," Chakotay said, certain now by her reaction.
Nodding, Kathryn buried her head in his shoulder. "Being cautious didn't seem important on New Earth. It had been so long and I couldn't get involved with one of my crew, so a booster was never an issue. I've put off seeing the doctor even though the consult would be confidential. I wanted to keep our relationship to ourselves for a little while longer. I under no delusion that someone will work it out eventually."
"Then, the safest thing would be to ignore this message and resume our course," Chakotay stated.
"I'm not going to resume our course just yet," Janeway was back. Standing, she crossed her arms over her chest. Eyes focused on the man before her. "I want you to think about it, Chakotay. This has to be your decision. If you choose to go after him, I know I speak for the entire crew, Starfleet and Maquis alike, when I say we'll stand behind you."
"What about you, Kathryn?" He demanded. "What about our child? Stop being the Captain for a moment and be my partner, my lover, the mother of my child. Is risking the entire crew worth whatever Seska has in stall for us? Is putting the child I want with the woman I love in danger worth saving one that was forced on me?"
"Seska child," Janeway responded with her trademark tenacity, "is also your child, Chakotay. Does he deserved less than your love because of the way he was brought into this universe."
"You've weighed more ethical dilemma's on this ship than I care to remember and lived with your decisions," Chakotay retorted. "You've taken the inevitable choice knowing it was right when there was an easier path. Why can't I do the same. If something happened to you, to our child, that's a future I couldn't live with, Kathryn."
"Nor," she flew into his arms, "could I. What are we going to do, Chakotay?"
"We're going to ignore Seska's attempt at blackmail," he stated in a voice equal parts hurt and hope, "and hope this is one decision we can live with, professionally and personally, for the rest of our life."