Just a plot bunny I needed to kill... so, our beloved immortal Captain Harkness comes across a homicidal wizard lord. No, I have no idea why and how, it just kinda sounded good in my head.

And no, I don't care how impossible or unlikely that is. Long live pointless silliness!

This was so not what he had expected.

He had come here with the intention of luring Voldemort into killing him, thus stopping this horrible fight for good. But just when the Dark Lord had raised his wand, a fraction of a second before he had said the fatal words, this man had appeared out of nowhere. He hadn't apparated, that much he could tell, for this was still impossible on the grounds. And yet he was here, grinning at Voldemort and seemingly oblivious to where he was and what was going on.

The Dark Lord glared at the man, wand at the ready. "Who are you? Answer me!"

The man grinned. "Me? I'm Captain Jack Harkness. Mind you, who are you?"

"…what?"

"Yeah, well, I believe we haven't met before, so, who are you?"

"I am the Dark Lord!" Voldemort hissed, "I am Lord Voldemort! And I ask the questions here!"

"So, I take it you are in charge of this little… what is this, anyway?" That Harkness man glanced around, taking in the sight of the Death Eaters in the clearing. "Are you having an orgy? Mind if I join in?"

"Are we having a what?" For the first time, Voldemort seemed to be speechless. Instead, one of the Death Eaters took a step forward.

"Don't you dare insult the Dark Lord! Avada Kedavra!"

There was a familiar flash of green light, and the stranger dropped dead where he had stood, with a smile still on his face. A whisper went through the ranks of the Death Eaters. Some of them still looked surprised, others confused. Voldemort just seemed annoyed.

"Tedious intruders. Someone check the wards. I need to know how he apparated here."

Two men disappeared into the woods, obeying their master. Said master now returned his attention to Harry.

"As for you, Harry Potter… so you have chosen to come to me, at last."

It looked like he wanted to say more, but he was interrupted by a sudden movement on the ground. Every single person in the clearing watched in infinite surprise as the man who had introduced himself as Jack Harkness and who had just been killed took a deep breath and sat up.

"What the hell was that for?" He looked at Voldemort. "Why did he do that?"

He got up, beating the dust from his coat. No one said a word when he casually strolled toward the Death Eater who had killed him. "Killing an unarmed man, that's pretty rude, you know? But…" He patted the man's cheek. "I think we can make up again, handsome." He spun around, beaming at the assembly. "So, how about that orgy? I'm not picky; you can all have a turn with me."

"What kind of magic is that?" Voldemort sounded perplexed. "I demand to know how that spell works!"

Harkness looked at him, a puzzled expression on his face. "Excuse me? What spell?"

The Dark Lord stepped into the circle, so close to the stranger that he almost touched him.

"The one you used to protect yourself! He killed you, we all saw it! Yet you are alive now! How did you do that?" He pressed his wand under his chin. "Tell me!"

The stranger raised his empty hands. "Hey, careful with that stick! You're gonna poke someone's eye out!" He pushed the wand aside like a child's toy, taking a step backwards. "I did do nothing. I die, I revive. That's it. Nothing special about that."

"Impossible!" Voldemort swung his wand, and with a flash of green light, the stranger fell to the ground once more. With bated breath, Harry looked at the body, as did everyone else. For a few moments, nothing happened. Then, out of the blue, the man's eyes flew open, and he sat up again, breathing heavily and shooting Voldemort an annoyed glance.

"Could you guys just stop killing me already? If you don't want me to join your party, fine then, I'll leave."

"You will go nowhere!" Now Voldemort really sounded hysteric. "You will tell me your secret! You will-"

He was interrupted by a weird sound coming from just behind the trees. A pulsating blue light shone through the leaves, and Harry gaped at the large, wooden police box appearing in the darkness. Seconds later, the noise stopped, and the door of the box opened. Light from the inside revealed the shape of a man leaning out of the box.

"Jack? You there?"

Harkness quickly started up to his feet again. "I'm here! I'm alright. Just some weird guys having an orgy, nothing to worry about."

"Oh, please tell me he's naked!" Another shadow appeared, apparently that of a woman, judging by the voice.

"Sorry to disappoint you, he's fully clothed." Impatiently, the man tapped his foot. "Will you come in already? It's a bit chilly out here, and I'd really like to go to Barcelona now."

"Alright, I'm coming. These guys are no fun anyway." He straightened his coat and gave a mock salute. "So long, guys! Have fun together!"

Leaving a dumbfounded Voldemort behind, he entered the box. Seconds later, the weird noise began again. The blue light faded, and gone were box and man.

Grave as the situation was – never in his entire life would Harry forget Voldemort's next words.

"What the bloody hell was that?"

It's never Barcelona...