This is based off of the song called, "The Lost One's Weeping" and by a lot. This does contain suicide and I guess some pretty dark thoughts. These lyrics of course don't belong to me, and yes I know that the video focused on a school boy, but I decided to stick to Rin.
Rin's POV
It was hard to trust anybody. I once loved, just like anyone else, but of course, things began to go wrong in our relationship. Who knew love could turn a pole into a lethal weapon?
My story is not fiction.
I was just a normal school girl, living her life. I liked science and math astonishing enough. I was useless at Japanese, just like many other students, so we all basically hated it. My parents always pushed me hard to get perfect grades, so I always worried about what answer was the correct one, and if I was doing it correctly in the first place.
But I always felt like, if I kept worrying to much, they would all turn out to be wrong.
So many things have changed at school...along with technology...it was made to make school easier right? Everything they do was to make things better for us...right? No…
School is no longer about passion that one has for their goal that decides the future, but letters and numbers written on a piece of paper. A letter decides your place in society. A number decides who you are.
I always sat in the back of the class, watching everyone silently.
Everyone always seemed...out of it. Like if they were being brainwashed.
School has become not an opportunity to achieve our dreams, but a system that has done the exact opposite: taken away dreams… our sense of self… our character.
Sometimes I ask myself…
"Can you recite your dreams as a child?"
That didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was getting good grades and slowly forgetting about your own needs. To the point where you are just a mindless drone only studying because that's how you get around in life.
That's basically all we are now. All of us students, were now completely blank. Our minds blank. Our faces void of emotion. Like a blank sheet of paper.
Everyday in class, we got more and more work. If you didn't finish your work from before, you just had to find time to do it after your current work. I always had homework. Even during the weekends. Of course my parents always had me do it. I never got a break. Remember,
school is the only thing that matters. Not yourself.
"Can you solve this equation on the abacus?
Can you loosen the rope around that kid's neck?"
I no longer have a personality, but I was finishing my work and doing well with my grades.
"It's just enough,
I'm satisfied,
I've started to live"
Almost everyday, it seemed like there was someone crying. Why? Whenever I heard the reason, they mostly said that they were,"Sad." And,"Lonely."
"But why is it, we
Sometimes– no, always
Say we're sad,
Say we're lonely?"
But no one had time to care. No one had time to stop and help. We had work to do...we all no longer cared about others.
"Can you read the Kanji on the blackboard?
Can you read that kid's imagination?
Who was it, that dyed his heart black,
Hey, who was it?
Hey, who was it?"
Everyone seemed dark, gloomy, emotionless. Was this okay? Was it fine if we remained this way? What could I, one stupid and worthless student, do? What should I do?
"Can you solve this equation on the abacus?
Can you loosen the rope around that kid's neck?
Is it fine, if we remain like this?
Hey, what should I do?
It doesn't matter anymore…"
It truly didn't matter anymore. I watched as one by one, students began to disappear from each class, especially mine. I wanted to ask what had happened, but I stuck to just listening to the rumors.
Suicide.
But it didn't matter. They were gone, and I had to continue with my studies.
I had to keep going…
I looked down at my homework on my desk. As always, it was almost completed, but not quite, but I have started to not care anymore. No matter how hard I tried, I never seemed to get it right…
It was already the next day of school….how many days have gone by?
"As always,
I can't
Solve
Yesterday's homework,
It's just enough,
I'm satisfied,
I've started to live"
Life seemed useless at this point. Desks piled up in the corner as more and more students gave in to stress and expectations. Would I join them soon? Would I just be another worthless student that would just disappear, just...die?
"But why is it,
The devil deep inside us
Says we want to disappear,
Says we want to die?"
No. I had to pay attention...to my studies. If I wanted to make it somewhere in this life. I needed to push away my thoughts and feelings… I needed to remember these ratio formulas, I NEEDED to study these words…
I needed to grow up.
But what exactly does that mean?... Growing up… Who should I ask? There weren't many left.
What should I do?
It doesn't matter anymore…
And I believe that these are my last thoughts…
I tighten the rope around my neck as I stood on top of a chair. I feel streams of tears fall down my cheeks. For once I actually feel something… for once i'm doing something for myself.
As I lift one foot off of the chair, I cry shouting out,
"IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE!"
And I push the chair away. My desk would soon be added to the pile as well.
"Can you recite the area ratio formula?
Can you recite your dreams as a child?
Who threw those dreams down the drain,
Hey, who was it?
But I already know.
When will you grow up?
What the heck is 'growing up' in the first place?
Who should I be asking?
Hey, what should I do?
It doesn't matter anymore…"