A/N: This fic is entirely the fault of the In The Flesh Neatchat, although I suppose I should thank them for persuading me to publish it. Maybe. We'll see. Particular thanks to Kat and Ellie for that and also to Kat for the last line.
Phillip stood in the line at A&E trying very hard not to draw attention to himself. Which was proving difficult in his mothers bright pink coat and with his jeans around his knees. At least the coat was long, he told himself, at least no-one can see why you're here. He shuffled forwards as a man with a towel pressed to the gash on his forehead was directed through a door and left the queue. Phil was next in the line so he sheepishly turned to the woman behind the desk as she finished typing something into a computer. She did the smallest of double takes as she took in the floral overcoat but her tone was professional as she asked what seemed to be wrong. Philip, mortified beyond words stammered for a few seconds before managing to mutter
"There is a toaster stuck on my penis."
Turning beet red as the woman behind him snorted with laughter and the one at the desk seemed to struggle for a few seconds before handing him a form to fill out and asking him to take a seat.
"Can't I go straight through? Like the guy before?"
"I'm sorry sir, but since your condition is only minor you'll have to wait a while"
Phillip shifted his hold on his toaster slightly, wincing as it pulled a little, it really was rather heavy, and the plug kept swinging into his knee.
He sighed, "How long is the wait?"
"About 30 minutes unless we have an emergency case" The woman behind the desk smiled sympathetically as Philip thanked her and waddled over to a chair.
He tried to arrange his coat in a way that covered his... problem, but the toaster stuck out no matter what angle he sat, and he was attracting some strange looks. At least it was no-one who knew him. This was the last place he expected to see someone from Roarton show up. That was when Mrs Lamb walked in, helping a woman that Phillip recognised as a member of the WI who seemed to have hurt her foot to hobble over to the desk. He tried very hard to just sink into the collar of his coat and hope they didn't spot him, but as he did so the toaster slipped on his knee, resulting in a massive tug and he gasped out loud. Mrs Lamb turned at the sound and saw Philip sat there, coat falling open and toaster-with-penis-lodged-in on full display. Phillip could only look guilty as hell while she gaped.
"Phillip?"
"It's not what it looks like?" he suggested, while trying to figure out what the fuck to say to make it not look like exactly what it was.
But he was screwed.