GANDALF: You shall not pass! I said you shall not! I have this long staff of magic and some magic words on hand, so again, you shall not pass.
SARAPHINA: Yeah, Gandalf, hi. I'm actually not a monster, just a female hobbit who happens to live a lonely, miserable life in this mountain, waiting and waiting for love each and everyday of my lonely, miserable life. My name is Saraphina and I once called the Shire home. May I join this fine group, which may I add, is quite male dominated?
GANDALF: Hm, maybe I should let you pass. I'm pretty sure in this entire quest we'll only encounter three actually important female characters. But, we're pretty heavy on hobbits. We have four. Four too many, if you ask me. However, I do feel that something horrible will happen and break apart this fellowship, but a female influence might reverse that. Maybe you should pass.
FRODO: Plus, I think I need a love interest. I mean, Aragorn has Arwen but come on, a hobbit deserves some loving. I'm the main character! I have THE RING!
SAM: What about me, Mr. Frodo?
FRODO: Uh...
SARAPHINA: Wait, Frodo Baggins! Oh my goodness, we grew up together! I lived a couple of doors down from you, but when I was ten I was kidnapped by something really bad and taken here... Yeah, that makes enough sense. We'll go with that.
FRODO: OMG! It's Saraphina my best friend from whenever. I heard you were randomly taken to some random mountain, but this mountain? What a coincidence!
SAM: (Muttering in a spiteful manner) Yeah, what a coincidence...
(GANDALF falls into the abyss but no one notices)
SARAPHINA: Like totally (flips hair) So, can I join the quest? My positive feminine intelligence will greatly impact this fellowship. I will balance out the stupidity of Merry and Pippin.
PIPPIN: Hey! I come in handy in the third movie. Plus, I can sing!
LEGOLAS: Where's Gandalf? (Calling out) GANDALF! GANDY GANDY GANDALF! Where are yoouuuuuu!
GIMLI: Eh, he's a wizard. They come and go as they please. His awesomeness no where compares to this blossoming romance. No one will care about him now.
FRODO: (Madly in love with SARAPHINA) Who's Gandalf? I mean, the logical thing I'd be doing right now is crying because Gandalf whom I've known since birth has just met his demise, but I'm so in love I don't care!
SAM: (Clearly angry/upset) Mr. Frodo, I do believe we should continue our journey. You are carrying precious merchandise!
FRODO: Indeed! (Holding SARAPHINA in his arms)
ARAGORN: (to BOROMIR) Why'd we trust him with the ring? (BOROMIR shrugs)
FRODO: (On one knee) Saraphina, will you marry me?
SARAPHINA: Oh, yes Frodo! I don't know how this will effect the entire plot of the series, but who cares! What's the worst that could happen?
FRODO: I don't know. But, here is a sign of my affection. (Places the ring on SARAPHINA'S finger. She disappears.)
MERRY: You idiot! And this is coming from an IDIOT!
FRODO: What? (Suddenly, the Nazgul aka Black Riders come in and eat everyone, take the ring from SARAPHINA and evil conquers all. Dramatic LOTR sound track plays in the background as the Black Riders slay the defenseless fellowship.)
GANDALF: (Now the white and back from defeating Balrog) Hey, guys, guess what! I've been upgrading from gray to white! (Looks around) Hello? Fellowship? Guys, this isn't funny. (Looks around a bit) I don't enjoy being fooled with.
SARUMAN: (Pops into the scene) Boo! (Gandalf screams) Haha, Gandalf. Looks like I've defeated you and your little fellowship. EVIL HAS WON! Muahahaha!
GANDALF: Mind filling me in? I was just in the midst of an epic battle with Balrog.
SARUMAN: Sure. You see, since you allowed that female to pass, big mistake on your part, Frodo fell in love with her, gave her the ring and the bad guys found them and stole the ring.
GANDALF: Bah! I knew there was a reason the fellowship was strictly male!
SARUMAN: Yep, looks like this is the end, Gandalf. You are now on the dark side and shall be my apprentice. May the force be with us!
GANDALF: Wrong movie, I believe.
SARUMAN: Whatever. Come on Gandalf, let us reek havoc across middle earth!
ANGRY LOTR FAN: (Storming into the scene) Woah, woah! Where's all the fight scenes? Where's Gollum? Where's the growing love of Aragron and Arwen? Where's the second and third movie! This is unbelievable! I'm so upset! RAWR!
GANDALF: (to SARUMAN) I'd run if I were you...
(GANDALF and SARUMAN run screaming while the ANGRY LOTR fan chases after them, now joined by a large group of fans wearing Legolas T-shirts and hobbit ears.)