A/N: Let's see, I don't own IY, or Keebler products, or Billy Idolor Skid Row or Over the Yellow Brick Rd tunes or Vienna Sausages or Pepe LePew or the Venture Bros or anything else.
Twas the Night of Mr Jack Ass
Twas the nite at some dark, seedy bar when I met Mister Jack Ass.
He leered at me and then promptly stuck his hand down my blouse,
Saying, "Let's play catch: You be the pussy and I'll be the mouse."
My stockings he fixated upon tactlessly proposing, "When and Where?"
Whilst toying/having with himself without no sort of freakin' care.
He took out a map seriously inquiring, "Is there a Motel 69 near here?"
"Will you bear my child?" He next exclaimed, overly over excited
While shakenly and sweatingly grasping my once ever clean hand,
As visions of getting betwixt my legs danced thru his perverted head.
He just wouldn't stop and kept spewing out more of his bullcrap;
Grinning depravedly he motioned, "Come here and sit on my lap…."
Decidedly, I rearranged his face with more than a hand printed slap.
Agape, aghast & over his head my many empty 40 ouncers did shatter.
With some quick DBZ action he soon looked like a fucked up Mr Potater.
His skinny, pale body crumpled to the sticky bar floor in such a matter.
Away to the scene flew Vinney Da Bouncer in a total hurried flash
To dispose of my pathetic stalker via some dark alley's bin of trash.
I wondered how he got in just covered only in a purple polyester sash???
Minutes later I heard, "Huhwo! Name'th Na..Na..Mirok.." "EWWW!!!"
I screamed turning round pummeling him with my lead pipe, 'Hiraikotsu.'
He was drunk, dressed like Santa & smelled reminiscent of Pepe Le Pew…
Like a nudist on an iceberg, I froze. And to mine wide eyes should appear
His hand clutched ever so tightly and snugly against my "Thexthy" rear.
I kneed him hard & for my troubles he yelled "Ka..zaan…UUUH!" in my ear.
'"You suck!!" I screeched, returning the favor to his ear, "Conniving prick!!'
He vomited and buried his nose in my breasts before taking another swig.
"I may be a m..m..monk, but I mugged Thanta tho juth call me Thaint Dick,"
He explained. Mr MOFO was definitely thinking with his OTHER brain.
Before I knew it, more rapidly his tongue thrust down my throat came
While shoving his full sack of goodies into my crotch at the same time…
"..myyy cheth-NUTH roooath-sting in yer open fiyah," He began thinging,
"My WEE-NER thoved between your bunthz." He just kept on inthinuating…
"Aw c'mon let'th get thtupid!" I punched him in the nose to leave him bleeding.
"I'd do ya on my porch if I had one but fer now how 'bout againth thith wall?"
He got to the point, "I'm tho horny, I'll be doing ya till nextht fucking fall."
I screamed, "You're built like Gary Coleman, you're so fucking small!!"
He mumbled something and while doing a drunken jig, unzipped his fly.
However he met with an obstacle by mounting an unsuspecting muscled guy;
"Name's Brock Sampson. So much for formal introductions… Time to DIE!!"
So up came a fist and through the air Mr Jack Ass and his teeth gracefully flew
Over and above the staring, drunken patrons to land with a splash in the microbrew.
The party was over. An angry crowd started to form ready to split his balls in plus 2.
Out for a moment, he then stood up, and off slipped his costume with a Poof,
Keeping the crowd at bay for he was nude and only covered in sudsy beer froth.
He climbed out of the vat and squished over to the bar to order a large vermouth.
He drew the drink to his mouth, and with NO conscious thought, turned round…
The suds completely evaporated & with his Vienna Sausage, he flashed the crowd.
From outta nowhere, Brock plus hired security quickly tackled him with a bound.
Down went a stupidly grinning Slim Jim, who affixed to his head a left Santa boot
And to his "Holy Staff" his Santa hat, all before hitting the floor with his stolen loot.
His now conveniently missing clothes were covered in soaked sudsy ashes and soot.
Now standing, he was shackled at his wrists, ankles and amazingly, his cock.
Like a $2 trailer trash whore, he got his rocks off whilst being beat about his block,
Which resulted in him sporting more wood than Paul Bunyan, a big lumber jack.
"Yuuo can't wock me up, I..I'm shtill a Version! I hasn't been abal to busht a cherwy."
"I couldn't tell." Mumbled Brock, "You won't be getting' any from Mistress Lewinski."
"Okay, Bill C, let's go!" Demanded Brock. "You're going down for public nudity."
Ushered out the door & down to the local Sengoku Jidai PD he went to sit on skid row.
But before that, his bladder he so did empty by leaving a trail of yellow piss in the snow.
And like Skid Row he started to sing, "Fowo da yelwo bwick woad, fowo, fowo, fo.. OW!"
"SHADDAP!" Brock screamed connecting his foot to Slim Jim's disconnected teeth,
Who grinned like Alfred E Neuman, stumbling and falling into several X-mas wreaths.
At SJPD he was booked for grand larceny and EYE POLLUTION by the local police chief.
Despite the X-mas wreath tu-tu, Jack Ass was easy to identify due to his small anatomy.
The chief sentenced to do some stiff time; "Throw this idiot into a room with R. Kelly!!"
Several months later, he'd be known as the new and upcoming rap artist, 'Premature E…'
Unfortunately, Mr Jack Ass posted his bail and was back to being his old perverted self
As an hour later he walked back into the same bar, in disguise dressed as a Keebler Elf.
"Hola, me llamo Ernie. Te quiero," He whispered, speaking to me in some Spanish filth.
(Hello, my name's Erie. I want you.)
"Oh, now you're a Hipsanic Elf!?," I cried. "Ernie's not spicy, he's White as in Bread!"
"Va Fangul!!" I screamed shattering yet another four plus Forties over his thick head.
"Graciath, thenor, por favor un otro?," he bent over showing his Vanilla Wafers instead
(Thank you sir, may I have another?)
He spoke not a word as I creamed those wafers by putting my steel-toed boots to work,
!!KLONK!! !!KLUNK!! Btw, I got them on sale cheap for $29.95 at my local Target.
Before he kissed the ground, his Vienna Fingers tried to cop a feel of my stockings & skirt.
A crowd formed & from somewhere female voices yelled, "String him up! Get a noose!"
So from the ceiling he horizontally hung & tied in many a knot the site of production his man juice.
He added to the décor as a chandelier for lit candles were stuck up his over stimulated caboose.
While staring at all the jiggling sites below, he gave out more than whistle but a loud rebel yell.
"More, More, MORE!!," He snarled as he pouted, snarled & gyrated reminiscent of Billy Idol.
Fed up with his crap, his ex-girlfriend, Kikyou, at his BLEEP! aimed with her bow & arrow.
She missed & he fell to the floor. "I had your kid & you owe me $30K in CHILD SUPPORT!!"
She shrieked, "And guess what?! I'M PREGNANT!!" With that, he ran to the door outta sight
With his Dipping Delights aflame exclaiming, "Felizth Merridad! By the way, I'm IMPOTENT!!"