At This Point In My Life

by lalapine

Scully tries to sort through her feelings after Mulder chooses to transfer to another state

TITLE -At This Point In My Life *
AUTHOR - Tammy M. Parnell
EMAIL ADDRESS: LaLapine@aol.com
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, as long as my name & disclaimer are on it
SPOILER WARNING: None
RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: SRA
SUMMARY: Scully tries to sort through her feelings after Mulder chooses to transfer to another state
KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance
DISCLAIMER: The are not mine. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, Fox Television, and the very talented, EMMY-winning actors who portray them. :) Song lyrics used without evil intent. No infringement is intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Time period is fourth season, but no cancer or episodes mentioned. Feedback appreciated.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose;
The past is never far.
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
Don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are?
--The Goo Goo Dolls,

At This Point In My Life
by Tammy M. Parnell

My throat was tight as we walked silently to his awaiting flight. Conversation on our drive to Dulles had been kept carefully impersonal, despite our equal reluctance to part. Even though he had assured me his transfer of field offices was his decision and not some ploy to separate us, I knew he didn't really want to go. Something inside him was forcing this choice, and it hurt me to see him struggle so. It hurt even more to know that he had lost this inner battle in some way, that he was leaving. His choice was to leave me behind, without consultation, to pursue the truth alone.

He cleared his throat uncomfortably as we reached the gate. A high-pitched voice announced through the speakers that first-class passengers had boarded, and that those in coach should have their tickets ready. Dutifully, Mulder took out the slip of paper and glanced uneasily around him. I noted that his eyes skillfully avoided mine, and I sighed.

This gesture caught his attention, and he forced a smile. Well, this is it, he told me.

Yes, I guess so, I answered to fill the silence, though a myriad of more meaningful words tried to fight their way from deep in my chest.

I'll call you, he promised as an offering of our enduring friendship.

You better, I managed to get out, struggling hard to maintain my composure. A nation would separate our bodies now, though our souls would hopefully remain intact. Telephones, e-mail, and the good ole US postal system would keep us in touch, but I felt an important part of me slipping away, one I was afraid could not be recaptured. It would not be the same after this. A visit here and there, a dinner to chat about old times, other airports and good-byes. None would be as final as this. I couldn't look at him.

Hey, Scully, you should be glad to be rid of me. I'm just a pain-in-the-ass to work with anyway. His usual attempt at humor during emotional overload arrived at the expected time.

I returned his smile halfheartedly. I answered. But unable to keep myself free of emotion, I added over the lump in my throat, But you were *my* pain-in-the-ass.

The sadness crossed his haunted eyes then, and I couldn't stand to see those hazel depths regard me so. He wouldn't let me look away, however, as a gentle finger forced my chin up to look at him. My face crumbled then at his bared soul, and I could no longer maintain any semblance of composure. I flung myself at him, unashamed, wrapping my arms tightly around him, willing him with my touch to stay. His steady hand rubbed my back in comfort, and I felt a warm tear fall against my neck from where his head rested among the hair at my shoulders.

I asked through my tear-choked voice.

I have to, he answered softly. Please trust me.

I pulled slightly back then. Trust you? Mulder, I trust you more than anyone. I thought I'd proven that to you time and again. Why can't you trust me now?

You don't understand, Scully.

Help me to, Mulder.

Our eyes were locked in a battle of wills, our breathing quickening at the previously unspoken though not unfelt challenge that had been hanging over us all week. Final boarding was announced through the speakers, and our gaze finally broke as he glanced to the plane's entrance.

I have to go, Scully.

You always have to go.

I'm sorry.

I extracted myself from his hold then, my tears forgotten in sudden anger--my only defense against falling apart. You're always sorry, too.

I'll call you, he repeated, his eyes pleading with me just to go with it.

Why bother? I said bitterly. You've done this before... just never with such permanence. You never called the other times you've ditched me.

I'm not ditching you.

Then what are you doing, Mulder? All week I had remained detached, accepting his decision in his presence, struggling through it alone at home, trying so hard to understand but failing miserably.

He glanced at the flight attendant who was preparing to close off the gate. I have to go, he said yet again, beseeching me for understanding.

Then, good-bye, I said and turned away, feeling cold and hurtful as I left him standing there. He was not going to leave me; I was leaving him. This little control made me feel childishly triumphant.

I didn't need to see the sad expression on his well-known features to know the way he watched me walk away. I made sure I'd gone enough distance before turning back to the gate. He had boarded now, and I stood at the window, watching the 737 as it prepared for takeoff. A small part of me was glad to have hurt him the way he was hurting me. But a much larger part of me wanted to follow him to the ends of the earth and hold him so I could not ever lose him.

Tears stung my eyes again as the plane steered off to the runway. I stood there crying against the window until the plane had long since vanished from view. The sun was setting against a beautiful spring night, but as I made my way back to my car, alone, all I could think was that I had just lost my best friend.

***

The solitude of my apartment had never felt so thorough. I sat there for hours in the darkened room, my mind hollow yet full at the same time. I drifted off into an unsettled sleep, waking only when the phone interrupted my troubled dreams. I began to reach for it out of habit but froze as my hand touched the receiver. I glanced at the clock. Seven hours had passed. It was Mulder on the other end.

Slowly I retracted my hand and sat back against the cushions of my couch, unprepared to deal with him right then. Instead, I listened to my answering machine pick up the call, my heart inadvertently tightening at his familiar voice.

Hey, Scully, it's me. I'm here... I just wanted to let you know. Scully? His voice was defeated. He knew I was there, listening. Well, I'll talk to you later, then. He hung up, not saying good-bye, never saying good-bye. I had broken our unspoken rule earlier, but he refused to sever our connection with such permanence. As if moving across the country wasn't permanent enough.

***

Days dragged monotonously. I organized our basement office so well that Mulder would never be able to find anything should he return. Weeks went by, and I received regular calls, never answered, and numerous e-mails. He didn't pressure. He said hello, told me things were going well, passed along humorous anecdotes, and related small stories of daily happenings. I gave him nothing in return, not even encouragement to continue this lonely form of communication.

I wondered at times why he bothered. Did he have any friends at his new workplace? Was he calling out of shear boredom? Did he want my support or advice? Was he immersed in his caseload? Did he miss me?

My eyes misted at this last thought, knowing it was the truth, though wishing it was not, so that our separation would be easier.

I wondered at myself, too, for why I wouldn't talk to him, why I couldn't give this to him. It wasn't that I didn't miss him; I missed him so much that my heart tightened whenever I allowed myself to think of him, a lump formed in my throat, and guilt crept into the far reaches of my mind. It was my way of maintaining control, of dealing with his absence, just not a very good or productive way. My best friend was gone; and perhaps I felt it easier to pretend that he was truly gone, and not that he had simply chosen to live away from me.

A month passed before I finally spoke to him. And then it was only by accident.

I had been expecting a call from a colleague in the forensics department at Quantico. Washing up in an autopsy bay, my cell phone rang, and I answered quickly.



No response.



It was tentative, maybe even a little scared. It's me.

Deja-vu swept over me, and I suddenly had to sit down. I didn't want to trust my voice to speak to him, but I couldn't just hang up.

Hi Mulder, I answered after a moment, trying to sound professional but knowing my voice betrayed me. How are you? Breathe! I told myself. Why should you be nervous? It's Mulder. Yeah, I answered myself--it's *Mulder.*

I'm okay, Scully. How are you?

I took a deep breath and spoke. I'm fine. I've been teaching part-time at Quantico, helping the VCS, and looking into some of the x-files that were filed away.

His voice was somewhat choked up as he answered with a hint of surprise, X-files? I thought Skinner would have used my transfer as an excuse to shut us down?

*Us.* Well, perhaps no one feels that I'm a threat by myself. Together we... I didn't finish my thought. I didn't have to.

he agreed to my unspoken words. But I didn't know if you'd want to continue.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably, eager to change the subject. So, Mulder... How is work?

He seemed relieved at the shift as well. Ah, you know me. I've been busy pissing off my superiors, alienating my co-workers... Haven't found a skeptical partner to keep me company, though.

Trying to set up a west coast X-Files branch? Just keep it professional, I told myself. But even though the time and miles separated us, his voice had somehow filled some of the hollowness that had formed inside me.

Well, I incorporate my ideas into some of the cases the VCS has me on... My reputation precedes me, it seems, and they've saved the weird stuff for me.

I smiled in spite of myself. Weirder than flukemen?

Well, maybe not that weird. I could picture the boyish grin that undoubtably crossed his features then. There was a long pause before he continued.



You're doing okay, aren't you?

I'm fine, Mulder.

That's all that I want, Scully. I need to know that you're okay.

My voice was shaky when I finally answered, That goes both ways, Mulder.

I'm sorry.

So am I.

There was another long pause before he hung up. I closed my eyes and tried to forget my sterile surroundings. I imagined myself in the office, shooting down his theories, trying to convince him that there had to be a logical explanation for whatever paranormal reasoning he had given the latest case... I didn't want to remember that our lives had diverged. This was one of the things I had been afraid of when I first knew he would leave--the phone calls. The small talk that wounded. The voice that reminded. The ache that returned.

I sighed, knowing that there was no room for me to indulge in self-pity at the moment. I had to type up my notes from the autopsy after consulting with my colleague. Life went on, even when an integral part of me was missing.

***

He stopped calling after that day. Maybe he had just needed to hear my voice. Maybe I scared him off. All I knew was that I missed him. And I was worried. But, just as he had respected my wish to remain distant, I respected his.

Exactly two months after he had left, I found myself wandering through a children's playground in the middle of the night. A weary day of reports and an autopsy after apprehending a murder suspect left me more drained than usual. There was a chill to the air as the stars twinkled above, moonlight flittering down across the swings and slide. I smiled at the memories of childhood bliss as I sat down on one of the swings, contemplating a time when an ice cream cone, favorite TV show, or a winning game of hopscotch could make me happy.

Sighing absently, I let my seat sway back and forth, lulling me to lose myself in the stars. Was there really life out there yet to be discovered? I knew that if there was, science would allow its detection someday. I wondered if I would be around to witness the find. Would Mulder? I smiled slightly, picturing his smug grin such a discovery would inspire, then grew sentimental as I wondered if Mulder was watching these same stars and thinking of me.

When had my anger and hurt been replaced with fond and wistful memories? A simple longing that harbored no grudge?

Footsteps echoed in the distance. Instincts told me, as unlikely as it was, that it was Mulder. Why or how, I did not know. I just knew that on this night, in the reflective mood I was in, his appearance would not have surprised me.

The steps became louder, but still I didn't turn around. I waited for my observer to speak. A few moments more of silence, and a wonderfully familiar voice drifted across the bark of the playground.

Beautiful night.

I smiled slightly to myself as I turned to face him. I knew it was you, I said, suddenly feeling a part of me return, the awkwardness of our last conversation long forgotten.

He mirrored my smile.

I just did.

He accepted my answer with a nod and seated himself on a swing beside me. We were quiet in each other's presence, reaccustoming ourselves, becoming comfortable once again.

I listened to his steady breathing and felt relief wash over me that he was, in fact, okay. I wanted so much to ask how long he would be in town, but I wasn't prepared to break the spell. Instead I said, Make a wish, Mulder. There's plenty of stars to chose from.

He regarded me reflectively for a moment before looking up to the sky. He closed his eyes and breathed the night air in deeply, looking so much like a wistful little boy. He turned to look at me after a moment. All done. How about you?

Mine's already come true, I replied honestly, happy for the moment just to be with him.

He smiled somewhat shyly and reached for my hand. I squeezed it back in reassurance, craving his touch after so long without him. I asked, feeling I knew what his wish had been, Have there been any leads on Samantha?

He shook his head, holding my hand more tightly. None. I had expected some, but... nothing panned out.

I nodded, knowing nothing I could say would ease the pain. Instead, I slowly began to swing. He let go of my hand and followed suit. Together we pumped our legs back and forth, breathing in the fresh crisp night, feeling the power to fly into the stars side-by-side. It was an amazing feeling, and I relished in the rejuvenation it seemed to bring.

When we finally allowed ourselves to drift slowly to a stop, he sighed and stood up, holding out his hand. I accepted the gesture, and we began to walk along the winding path of the deserted park.

I want to explain something, Scully, he said after a few moments of contemplative silence.

I'm listening, I answered quietly, neither dismissing nor demanding.

I think I was running away, he admitted. So many things have happened. So many disappointments. When I was offered the transfer, I thought maybe I could start over. That somehow it would be easier to find answers in a place where no one knew me.

And it wasn't? I prodded when he failed to continue.

he shook his head. I had disks of our x-files to refer to if needed, and I had access to pretty good labs and analysts as well. But... I was alone. It was as though the last four years with you hadn't happened, as though I had just left the VCS in Washington and was starting out in my own department. Spooky Mulder of the West. He grinned ruefully. Things are harder where I am now.

I took a deep breath then, daring to ask the question, So, are you transferring back here?

He stopped walking and looked at me carefully. Should I?

You're asking my advice? I couldn't keep the surprise from my voice.

I wonder if it's for the best.

Being away from your home?

I don't like that part much. I worry about Mom, too. If she needs me, it's a long flight, and I could be too late to be with her... But...

But what, Mulder?

I worry about you, too.

My lips twitched upwards as I answered, So what's keeping you away?

he said simply. To my confused expression he explained, I sometimes think you would be so much safer without me around to involve you in my personal problems. I don't want--

What are you talking about? I interrupted him firmly. If you're referring to Sam, she's the reason the X-Files exist, isn't she? So that's business-related. And most of the scrapes you get yourself into are in pursuit of the truth we both want to find. So don't tell me that you are the reason for my problems. Because that's not true. I was on a roll then, realizing that my partner might be coming back to me. To stay. Keep in mind that I am still working on the X-Files even without you there to tell me I'm closing myself off to extreme possibilities.

He regarded me with surprise and an odd sense of wonder. A smile slowly spread across his face as he squeezed my shoulder. You want us to partner up again on the X-Files? he asked in disbelief.

I never wanted us to un-partner, Mulder.

He looked down at his feet. I thought you would be happier...

I replied quickly, causing him to look up again. It was lonely down there by myself.

You didn't have to stay there.

I wanted to. I still do. I believe that we can find the truth. But I wasn't so sure these past couple months. It's not something either of us can do alone. But I want to try together. We make a great team; you know that. So does Skinner, so does Cancer Man...

That's why they offered me the transfer, he said unnecessarily. They knew I would want to try and keep you safe.

Keep me safe? He had been holding something more from me, but in spite of his overprotective stance, I was touched at his concern.

A lead, he hedged. That was what interested me in the transfer. If I accepted, I would get information. I still wasn't sure. I didn't want to leave... But then they pointed out all the times you and your family have been caught in my crossfire.

None of it was your fault, I added before he could continue. I accepted the risks when I entered Quantico. And I would never ask for another partner.

Neither would I, Dana. He watched me carefully for a moment, gaging my reaction to his words, and I regarded his beautiful hazel eyes melding with mine. A warm hand softly stroked my cheek, and I felt a lump rise up in my throat. Then my arms were wrapped snugly around him, and a strong hand was rubbing my back, his smooth face nuzzling my hair. Same position as, but so different from our airport departure. My partner was back.

I pulled slightly away and said softly, somewhat embarrassed at my previous actions, I'm sorry, Mulder. I was so wrong not to return your calls and to ignore all the messages. I wanted to talk to you so badly, but...

I know, he assured me. I understand. It was too hard.

I needed to make sure he knew, in spite of the difficulty I had with expressing my feelings to him. You're the most important person in my life, Mulder. That's one truth you should never question.

I think my absolute honesty left him dumbfounded. His gentle fingers continued to caress my cheek, but his throat refused to utter a sound. Finally, he gave me the only answer he could: He leaned down and kissed me.

And the part of me that had been missing for those two long months was suddenly returned in full, a growing warmth that promised more than the restoration of our partnership. It promised a future. Together.

THE END

It's been a hard road, the road we're traveling on...
Won't you put your faith in me?
We both know that's what matters.
If you give me a chance, I'll try...
--Tracy Chapman, At This Point In My Life

Why'd I chose this song/title? I think it fits Mulder and Scully very well. Tracy Chapman has a great earthy voice, and her songs have a lot of meaning. In case you're interested, here are all the lyrics:

*At This Point In My Life
c. 1992 Tracy Champman

At this point in my life, I've done so many things wrong
I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me, I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance, I'll try
You see it's been a hard road, the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand, I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life
I'm just saying that so you'll understand that right now, right now
I'm doing the best I can, at this point in my life
At this point in my life although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try
You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills, but I still have mountains to climb
And right now, right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life
Before we take a step, Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises, Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment, Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
Things I'd like to forget at this point in my life
At this point in my life I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it
You see when I've touched the sky, the earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in the world birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine, If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you all the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life
At this point in my life