GrowingPains

TITLE - Growing Pains
AUTHOR - Tammy M. Parnell
EMAIL ADDRESS: LaLapine@aol.com
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT: Anywhere, as long as my name & disclaimer are on it
SPOILER WARNING: Duane Barry, Fire, Small Potatoes
RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: S
SUMMARY: M/S friendship. A boring car ride leads to a very personal conversation about first loves.
DISCLAIMER: The are not mine. They belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, Fox Television, and the very talented actors who portray them. No infringement intended, etc.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I live for feedback!

Growing Pains
by Tammy M. Parnell

Knock it off, will you? Special Agent Dana Scully sighed from the passenger's side of the rented Taurus. Three hours on the road, with at least an hour to go, and her partner's tuneless whistling was getting on her already frayed nerves.

Ah, but Scully, Fox Mulder grinned, I haven't gotten to my rendition of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

Her only response was a glare and to turn on the car's radio.

He shook his head as his acute eyes surveyed the deserts over which the lonely highway had been paved. With the afternoon's summer sun beating down on Arizona, he was thankful all the rental cars came equipped with air conditioning. In spite of this small comfort, he could hardly blame Scully's moodiness; they had been awakened before dawn, called in as last minute replacements for a rather routine cult investigation, and had been unable to find an airport closer to their destination. The cultist, as predicted, held his followers in a fairly deserted town.

Mulder's reflection was broken with Scully's hand briefly touching his thigh. I'm sorry, she said with a sigh. It's been a long day.

He smiled at her. Don't worry; we'll get there soon enough.This should be pretty easy, and then you can take advantage of our motel's pool.

She returned his grin. That'll be the day.

They continued on in companionable silence, only the faint music of the radio wafting to their ears. When a commercial came on, Fox switched the dial, and Dana heard a familiar song. Eyes closed and head back in an attempt to relax, she sung quietly with the chorus: Like strawberry wine, seventeen, the hot July moon, saw everything. The first taste of love, ooh, bittersweet. The green on the vine, like strawberry wine.

Mulder glanced at her in amusement. Seventeen, eh Scully?

She opened her eyes and raised her eyebrows. How old were you, Mulder?

Her response caught him by surprise, and he cleared his throat, hoping his cheeks weren't as red as they felt. Trying to change the subject, he commented, I didn't know you liked country music. His eyes were dutifully on the road.

She smiled in triumph. It's not my usual preference. But I like Deanna Carter.

He nodded, the silence suddenly feeling rather uncomfortable. Dana looked at him curiously. Thinking of her conversation with Van Blundht and how she had told him personal stories, she remembered how nice it had been to share part of her life with Mulder--well, someone she thought was Mulder. She swallowed her embarrassment. I was twenty, she said suddenly.

He looked at her, surprised that she was continuing their conversation. was all he could manage to say.

I guess I wasn't such a good Catholic girl, she continued, and Mulder relaxed with a chuckle.

Did your parents know? he questioned.

Lord, no. I think my mom may have suspected, but she never challenged me on it. I was raised to believe that I should wait till I was married. And I understood why, but...

You loved him? Mulder guessed.

she said, remembering. Tony was a sweetheart. He was always doing things to help people out. He was in a couple of my premed classes; that's how we met. After we'd been dating a few months, my birthday rolled around. He said he wanted to do something really special for me. She smiled as she thought of it. He kept suggesting all these elaborate plans that all sounded wonderful, but... Well, I told him I'd be happy as long as we spent the day together.

Mulder glanced at her glowing face as she described her first love. This was a side of his partner he rarely, if ever, got to see. Their work was so consuming, little time was left for small talk. He smiled to himself, knowing this wasn't something Scully would talk about with just anyone. She was giving a part of herself to him, and he felt almost honored that she was opening up to him in this way.

Dana continued with her reminiscence. So Tony and I planned the whole thing. Instead of buying me a birthday present, he rented the hotel room--a suite, actually, if you can believe that. I still don't know how he could ever afford that and the dinner beforehand. But it was... it was perfect. It was just so nice, you know? She smiled self-consciously, realizing she had been reminiscing aloud and wondered if she'd said too much. She continued after a slight hesitation. We broke up a month later. He had been doing a lot of soul-searching, I guess, and decided to take a break from school. He joined the army; don't as me how that's taking a break, but... Well, we kept in touch. And I remember when he came back from basic. His face absolutely glowed. He said it was hell, but it had helped him put things in perspective. I'm not sure what would have happened that night...

Her voice had altered at that last statement, and Mulder sensed something was wrong. He put his hand over hers and gave it a brief squeeze. What happened to him? he asked gently.

She gave a half-smile and sighed. He stopped at a stupid little five-and-dime to get some shaving cream; said he'd only be in there a minute. I'd picked him up from the airport... She swallowed, the memories old but not forgotten. I heard a shot. And some men ran out of the store. There were screams. Mine was the loudest, I think. I ran inside and saw Tony just lying there. There was a lot of blood.

Dana had been staring out at the desert as she spoke. Now, she shook her head as if to clear the memories, and looked at her partner. The store owner didn't speak English, but one of the other customers called the police. I knew CPR and some basics, but... I couldn't save him. And by the time the paramedics got there, it was too late.

I'm sorry. It was so inadequate, but Mulder didn't know what else to say. It wasn't your fault, he tried to assure her.

I know. She smiled. I got over the self-blame a long time ago. But I still miss him.

Mulder's psychological training took over. They never caught the bastards, did they?

She looked surprised at his acuteness. she shook her head. No, they didn't.

He answered her questioning stare. Everyone has an underlying reason for what they do. You wanted to be a doctor, so you became a doctor. But I'll bet that you worked twice as hard after that, thinking you had to succeed for the both of you. Not to mention to try to save people who get caught in similar cross fire.

She nodded, intrigued at his accurate analysis.

Then along comes the FBI, he continued. You see your chance to nail bastards like the ones who shot your friend. You take it. And here you are.

Very perceptive, she commented, knowing the truth to his words. I wanted a way to find justice. I wanted to avenge Tony's death, but... I don't know if I've succeeded.

He'd be proud, Mulder stated, and Dana smiled at her partner.

After a few moments in reflective silence, she looked at him expectantly. Your turn, she kidded. He looked uncomfortable, and she added, It's okay, Mulder. I know you had a hard time growing up; you don't have to talk about--

I want to, Scully, he assured her, hearing the unspoken hurt in her voice at his seeming unwillingness to share. It's just kind of embarrassing.

She nodded her understanding and waited for him to continue.

He took a deep breath. I was seventeen, actually, he began.

Her eyebrows went up with a twinkle in her eye. I'm impressed, she commented.

I was, he insisted with a grin. Eyes back to the road, he continued, a hint of sadness in his voice. After Sam was taken, I withdrew from everyone. I tried to be a part of my family, but I always felt like my parents would have preferred for it to be me who was gone. I thought they blamed me; hell, they did. And I missed Sam so much. Sure, we fought a lot, like any brother and sister, but... Well, I guess you don't realize how much something means to you until it's gone. He stopped for a moment, thinking of when Scully had been missing for those three awful months.

She noticed the look he gave her and suspected his thoughts had roamed to more recent times. I'm here, she smiled slightly.

He returned the smile. I know. He relaxed a bit, continuing his story. Anyway, one day the guys convinced me to go with them to this make-out point' or whatever it was called. We got so damn drunk; I don't think I've ever had a worse hangover. He grinned at the memory. The girls drank, too. We all expected to get laid, and that's what happened. He glanced at her curious blue-green eyes. No romance.

Then Phoebe came along, she prodded.

He sighed. Yeah. Well, that was something different entirely. I let myself believe that she really cared, that I was something special to her. We were lovers first, friends second, but I gave myself up to her completely. Then she threw it back in my face. I kept going back for more, and her response was always the same. I'm lucky I got out when I did.

Scully noticed with concern that this subject was uncomfortable for him. His hands were tensing around the steering wheel as he drove, his eyes focused on a painful memory as well as the dusty road.

Then it went back to the way it was before, he continued. No serious relationships; the women I spent time with didn't mean a damn thing. Videos are much safer, he grinned.

She returned his smile and added, Don't forget the magazines.

He was thoughtful a moment before he spoke again. I guess I don't associate sex with love. For me, they're two different things entirely. It's too painful for them to be one and the same.

It doesn't have to be, Dana said gently. You should let yourself trust.

You're the only one I trust. The response was automatic but very true. He gave an embarrassed smile, realizing how his statement had sounded in relation to the subject at hand. You know, you and I are close. I've never been this close to anyone, even Phoebe.

Same goes for me, Dana responded, enjoying the especial closeness that their conversation had allowed.

That's why it would probably scare the hell out of me if we ever slept together, he commented, trying to make it sound like a joke, though his eyes were steady on the road.

She rested a hand on his arm as she spoke, I would never hurt you, Mulder. The words were quiet but firm.

His heart swelled inexplicably as he moved his arm to clasp her hand within his. I know, Scully. I know.

They drove on in contemplative silence, hands clasped, the hot Arizona sun and their impending investigation the furthest thing from their minds.

THE END