Title: Hand Gossip
Author: Demitria Miriam
Rating: M for (im)mature content
Characters: Inuyasha, Miroku, Kagome, Sango.
Disclaimer: No money is made off of this piece of fiction; Inuyasha and co belong to Rumiko Takahashi.

Summery: Inuyasha finds out that gossiping girls are scary, and that the hands have all the answers (well, the one that really matters, anyway). Drabble, language, general. Crack.

Hand Gossip

It had quite possibly been the most pivotal moment in the history of his 150 years of life, when he, Inuyasha, ferocious hanyou warrior, had overheard what Kagome called "gassip". He wasn't sure what this "gassip" was but apparently it could only be shared with and kept between those of the female sex and then giggled and chirped about behind delicate (deceiving) hands whenever a male did something that didn't seem remotely funny or interesting.

However, this time the girls didn't giggle or chirp after their ritual (satanic) meeting of "gassip". They simply came back from the hot springs with a fiercely determined (really scary) look in their eyes.

Miroku and Inuyasha were instantly on guard, backs straight, staring directly ahead making sure not to make eye contact and keeping their arms tucked into their sleeves, absently rubbing comforting circles across their forearms.

Oh, they knew something was up... especially when the girls sat down opposite them in complete and utter silence.

Shit, what the hell did they want?

"Miroku," came Sango's set voice.

Miroku twitched spastically at the sudden beckon. He did the only thing he could do, and carefully replied with, "Y-yes?" just waiting for the oncoming doom that usually came in the form of-

"I'd like to look at your hands."

-not that. What? See his hands? What for?

Both Miroku and Inuyasha rubbed their forearms a little faster underneath their sleeves.

"Why?" Miroku asked tentatively.

"I... um..." Sango colored suddenly and soon became very timid and shy, looking over at Kagome for reassurance in her next actions.

"She wants to read your palm!" Kagome spoke up suddenly, sounding very happy with the answer she had supplied, which caused Inuyasha to be the next to twitch spastically.

"O-okay..." Miroku said, removing his hands from his sleeves and waiting for her to come over to him. When it looked like she wasn't about to move anytime soon he sighed and went to her instead, presenting her with his hands.

Sango took one hand, inspecting it from wrist to the tip of the monk's middle finger, eyes wide, face flushed and mouth slightly agape before looking over at Kagome (who had been watching intensely as well) and that's when it happened.

They. Giggled.

"Inuyasha!" Kagome chirped.

Inuyasha twitched again.

"You, too!"

"What? Why do I have to-!" Inuyasha began but shut up just as suddenly once he saw Kagome's eyes narrowing and her lips pursing, just daring him to continue denying her, the first letter of the "S.I.T." word surely hovering between her lips. "Keh! Fine! But I ain't movin' over there, wench," the hanyou grumped, taking his hand out of his sleeve and holding it out to her as she practically skipped over to him.

Inuyasha pouted in the opposite direction Kagome was in and let her do her freaky weird "gassip" palm reading to his hand. After all, he'd rather her "gassip" his hand than "sit" him into the ground.

The hanyou sighed, just waiting for the giggling to start up... 3, 2, 1...

"Sango, come here!" Kagome whispered none too subtly.

"Hm?" Sango moved over swiftly to her friend who was still examining Inuyasha's hand.

"Look..."

Sango's eyes widened and she gasped slightly, however Inuyasha caught it, which made him look over to see what the two lunatics in his pack were "gassiping" over now.

When he did... Well, it wasn't exactly a look of horror on the women's faces telling them that he was gonna probably die some horrible death or something...

No, instead the girls looked, taken aback? Breathless? Intrigued? By something only kami knew.

Then their eyes flickered up towards his and they colored as bright as his kimono and started giggling insanely, jumping up and running off together in a flurry of chirping, vaguely mentioning that they were going to get more fire wood.

"What... was thatabout?" Miroku finally asked after about five minutes of them both staring off into the direction the girls had made their great escape into.

"Uhh... you really wanna know?" Inuyasha replied slowly, equally dumbfounded.

"What do you mean? You know?"

"Shh!" the hanyou snipped, ears twitching towards the forest again, listening to the two women's soft voices.

"Well?" Miroku stressed, dying of curiosity at this point.

Inuyasha looked puzzled, blinking a few times before turning to his friend.

"I didn't get all of it, but it had something to do with the size of something and our hands..."

"Huh?" Miroku asked confused as well... before getting fed up with not understanding anything and taking matters into his own hands. "Come on!"

With that Inuyasha was dragged toward where the girls were hiding and giggling to themselves. The monk and half-demon hid in the foliage just behind the other side of the river the girls were near but could hear most of everything they said clearly.

"Miroku's average, I'd say... But Inuyasha... down there, he definitely has the upper hand. I mean,... the size is..." Kagome said wistfully, biting her lip and grinning over at Sango.

"What size? Down where?" Miroku whispered to himself and Inuyasha.

"Shut up, bastard!" Inuyasha growled trying to hear more.

"I'm so glad you brought that book back with you, Kagome, it has interesting information in it..."

The girls started giggling again about obscure things.

"What the fuck does all that mean?" Inuyasha asked completely clueless to-

"Can you imagine, if Inuyasha's... penis... is that size, what Sesshomaru's must be like? Or Kouga's!" Kagome giggled excitedly.

Inuyasha froze while Miroku suddenly felt nauseous.

THAT'S what they were talking about? The size of their DONGS?

Author's Note: Sequel now added as Ch 2!