Bitter Optimism

By: Arnold's Love

Believe it or not, you can walk through life completely surrounded by people and yet still feel completely alone. It doesn't make sense. But it's a fact. You can be so completely different from everyone you've met that you're overwhelmingly alone. And at 29, that's my life-surrounded my people, but most of the time deeply, achingly alone.

And I don't want to be alone. I don't want this heartache, this painful feeling. I don't choose it. I've searched for people like me-for even just one. Someone who can relate to me in every way.; who feels things deeply; who loves deeply; who cares more about others then themselves. But I've never found it. Not for lack of trying, mind you. I've tried. I've tried so many times. Over and over and over again, until I feel more betrayed and lonely then before. I meet people and I put my entire soul into them…into our friendship, thinking maybe I've found that person like me. It's just never…returned. Oh, maybe they give back 20%...but that's it-never more. Or it's like they're excited about being my friend, but somehow I lose the luster I once had and they quickly leave me…wanting nothing to do with me anymore. As if I'm boring or worthless. Or as if there's just not anything about me that makes people want to stay around…unless, of course, they need something from me. Unless they want to suck me dry and never give back. Then they come back, just for that, only to leave again.

Maybe it's my own fault that I feel this certain type of loneliness. Maybe I expect too much of people. Maybe I expect everyone to be like me, to love like me, and put their all into other people like I do-put their all into me. But maybe that's just not a thing people do. Maybe I'm just weird.

But then I think: how can that be? I don't understand. It's so engrained in my soul and such a part of me; to be there for people, to help everyone and anyone; to care so deeply for everyone I meet that there's an actual pain in my heart at their sorrows and their hardships. It's so much who I am I can't understand how someone isn't like that. How the majority of people aren't like that. How they seem cruel and selfish. It's so the opposite of me that I literally can't comprehend it. I'm starting to believe that people just legitimately are not anything like me.

People are always more concerned with themselves then others. Their first and foremost concern is their own comfort. If they need to put others down to feel better they do. If they need to choose a cruel friend over a kind, devoted friend because the first is more popular they will. If they need to be your friend only to benefit them and not to give back, they will. If they need to brag about their possessions to make others feel lesser they will. They'll do anything to wind up feeling great and better then everyone else. They'll crush you if they have to.

Then there's me…I'll do everything I can to help other people. To lift them up. To give them confidence. To inspire them. To save them, if that's what they need. I'll break my back doing it, because everyone deserves that.

But here's the catch…if everyone deserves that…then don't I deserve that too? Shouldn't I have someone there to save me? To life me up? Why am I always alone? Why do people only help if it's not cost to them, or as long as it doesn't take more then five minutes? Why am I hated for doing what's right? Why am I snubbed? Why am I brushed off or thrown away at the drop of a hat without a single consideration of how devastating it might be to me? Why do people seem to leave me when I need the most?

I go through these thoughts frequently…reaching my breaking points, when I can't take it anymore. When I think I can't do it anymore. When I feel like giving up and being selfish. When I sit on my stoop, holding back tears of hurt, betrayal, frustration and loneliness and stare off into a future that's just constant repeat of these feelings. And endless aching hole of pain, disappointment, and betrayal.

"Arnold, listen, and listen good. I'm only going to say this once," her voice orders, from her place next to me.

I almost forgot she was there. Caught up in my feelings. And I realize that I've vented all these feelings out loud for once…that just this one time I finally vocalized these dark thoughts hidden inside me and someone was listening nearby.

She watches me until finally I meet her gaze. "You're different, Arnold. You're different then me. I know that. I also know you're not like anybody else either. I've never met anyone like you, and I've traveled the world. It's like you're in this world, but you're not part of this world. And it makes sense that you're lonely, but the fact is you're an extraordinary person. You're set apart from your peers, different from everyone in the world. Crimeny, you're probably different then anyone in the whole freaking universe! None of us will ever be able to understand you. We're all the same, but you're different. You're heart's more perfect and selfless then ours will ever be."

Her words are slightly comforting, but almost haunting and frightening in their own right. Condemning me to this endless loneliness. "But I can't possibly be the only person in the world like this?" I whisper sadly. "There must be someone else like this? Out of the billions of people on this earth, I can't be the only one to feel things this way? Right?"

She shrugs slightly. "Maybe. Maybe not. You're unique. You genuinely love and care about every single person-and on an extremely deep level that most of us can't even comprehend. You even care about and love jerks like me. You're compassion is like nothing I've ever seen before. Your ability to love every single person you come into contact with, your love of life, your optimism, your annoying ability to always look on the bright side no matter what, your ability to keep your moral strength as if it's just commonsense and not a choice and therefore, never give in to or be phased the teasing and temptations presented to you by others.

"Your goodness has changed lives. You've changed mine. But I'm selfish and I won't admit it. So I keep it cached there inside, just like everyone else. Because we won't show what we perceive as a weakness. Admitting someone helped us change for the better? Crazy talk. Admitting that we weren't already perfect? Insanity. Feelings that you use as strengths, are what the rest of us fear are our weaknesses. We can't care about others the way you do…we can't love others purely and unconditionally. That depth is missing in us. We can't stop to care about others or we might fall behind ourselves. And we just can't do that.

"But you do it. You do it all, Arnold. Like it's some kind of super power you possess. And we can't just conceive any of it. You're superman and we're Lois Lane. We'll never understand it. We'll never, ever get it. And we'll never admit that what you're doing is better than anything we'll ever do. So we'll avoid you, or shun you, or mock you, or betray you-because it's all we know how to do. You don't deserve any of it, but you're going to be treated that way anyway, because the world is cruel and they don't understand beauty.

"But I know you, and I know that even when people treat you bad, even when they blow you off or hurt and betray you, even when you're feeling this deep loneliness, I know you're still deep down looking for the light.

"So, stay you. Don't give in to cynical, hateful thinking. I can see it in your eyes, Arnold. It's hovering their…the thought that maybe it's time to give up. That maybe it's time to lose all hope. Join the ranks of the rest of us in our bitter selfishness.

"But stop. Don't do it. Don't you ever give in! Do you hear me? Stay true to yourself, your optimism, your stalwart moral courage. Even if you're the only one. Especially if you're the only one. Don't give in even if it means you're alone. No one may ever be able to understand or relate to you, but this world needs you. Especially if you're the only one in the entire universe wired this way. We need you more then we need anyone or anything else. I need you. Please, don't give in. Keep the brightness and shun the darkness. Always look on the bright side. Forever."

A few small tears hang on her cheeks as her blue eyes search mine in all their sincerity. She takes my hand softly and squeezes it. "And most importantly to me…you're my bright side, Arnold. You save me every day with your unmatched love, dedication, and compassion." Tenderly, she puts both her hands on my face, her thumbs caressing my jaw softly. "And I love you. I love you and your beautiful goody-two-shoes soul."

Her lips meet mine in a tender, tear stained kiss. And as she kisses me, for now, the deep heartache is erased and the glow of hope and optimism is fluttering inside me once more.

A/N:

I've had a lot of feelings flying around in my heart and mind the past few months and especially the past week or so. Really draining emotional feelings. I'm not a big talker…even though I instinctively feel the need to talk things out. So I'm probably annoying to the people around me when I need to vent, because I tend to still keep details close to my chest.

A few people told me that maybe I should try writing a one shot about it. And I kept thinking about it, but like I said, I'm not good at sharing my feelings. But the feelings are still there. Some of them came out in one of my Shortaki drabbles. But I was still thinking and mulling over this one shot…and after some insightful words from my mom yesterday, I decided to write it and that is what you just read. ;-)

And after writing this I can't help but laugh at myself. I'm so Arnold. We're kindred spirits, he and I. Even when writing a serious and slightly angsty piece I can't help but end it happily and optimistically...Arnold's Love, you're a dorkwad. Just stop. But seriously. I can't allow myself to end something sadly...I want to have hope and leave hope.

And now in the ever epic life of Arnold's Love (haha) I'm going to go turn on the air conditioning (because it's got to be a million degrees in here), get some ice water (because there's no chocolate in my entire house…which is a total sin), snuggle my angel babies (because that's like the best thing ever), and see if I can't finish my next chapter of "The Shadow Around His Heart" and get it to my beta so I can post it hopefully soon!

Don't forget to read and review.

Hugs,

Arnold's Love