Hellooo friends and Dorothy, and welcome to my very first Harry Potter fanfiction! So, here's the deal:

This is going to be something purely for fun! I am "re-writing" the 1st & 8th HP films as I remember/think of them. 'Tis a birthday present to my Lovely Friend Dorothy, so my dear, I hope you enjoy it! You will either end up crying or laughing or screaming. Good luck, and please don't kill me later. Haaaappy birthday!

I have never read the books. I watched the films once over two years ago. So, everything in this is going to be from my memory of that time. I'll admit that I had to read the summaries for the films, but that's all. By the end, I'll probably have a mob of angry HP fans chasing me afterwards. Chaos.

For the record, I don't hate this series, and I think it really is a wonderful! thing that I look forward to getting into at some point in my life, just not yet.

Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any other referenced thingies in this.

Reviews are welcome! Critical ones, too!

Let's go!

HaRrY pOtTeR and the Sorcerer's Rock

Tiny, dazzling snowflakes drifted down from the grey clouds above and into the even grey-er city of somewhere in England, blanketing the ground with a white sheet. People walked silently in the streets, nothing but black silhouettes puffing frosty breath under the yellow street lamp lights.

Harry sat in his bed, bundled up in an itchy flannel blanket, reading a book he had read many times over by the dim light of a candle. Gee whiz, or was it a lamp? Or just an early 1990s lightbulb hanging from a metal chain? I forget. Anyways, this is what he was doing.

"Harry! Get out of your room and get in the kitchen, now! My tea is boiling!" a gruff voice called from another room, breaking Harry out of a trance. Sighing, the freshly ten-year-old boy rose out of his small bed and emerged from his room, which, if I remember correctly, was under a set of wooden stairs. Dang, this kid's got it bad.

"Hurry up, boy! All of my tea will evaporate if you don't get in here quick!" the voice came again, this time much more agitated.

"Coming, sir!" Harry shouted back, as politely as possible. He stumbled into the kitchen, his bare feet freezing on the bare tile. Uncle Vermon sat comfortably in his rocking chair, puffing a cigar and reading the newspaper. His wife, who's dang name I can't remember except for the fact that it was some random-ass flower, sat next to him in her favorite chair, casually knitting a scarf that was probably for their son Dudley. Geez, at least I remembered his name.

"Nevermind, worm. Dudley, being the excellent child he is, already got the tea for me. Go and stuff yourself back into your hole so I don't have to see your face," Uncle Vermon muttered, not even lifting his eyes to meet Harry's. Relieved, Harry scurried away quietly back into his room, into the safety of his book and blanket.

A couple of hours passed by, and before long, all of the Durgley family was asleep, leaving Harry alone with his book. Since I can't remember how on earth Hagrid came into the scene, I'm just going to imagine it went like this.

Boy, am I hungry, Harry thought to himself, expecting his stomach to growl. Probably because I live in an abusive family who doesn't take care of me, let alone feed me. Why haven't I run away again? Oh yeah, because the plot needs me here.

As quietly as possible, Harry creaked open the door to his room and slipped out, tiptoeing across the floor and into the kitchen where he found the cookie jar. Oh wait, sorry, biscuit jar. Darn british words.

"Hey, kid, come over here," a gruff voice whispered from behind a curtain, causing Harry to drop the biscuit in his hand and whirl around. An immense, dark shape was leaning against the back door, looking quite menacing.

"S-Santa Claus…?" Harry squeaked, taking a hesitant step forward.

"No, kid. What, you still believe in that guy? Trust me, I'm better than him," the shape grumbled, taking a step forward. Harry drew in a sharp gasp. "I'm the guy who's supposed to kidnap you, get you some animal for a pet, and take you to this school called Hogwarts."

"Really? You mean I can finally leave this place?" Harry wondered aloud, a smile growing on his face.

"Of course! Funny though, you would've thought your adoptive parents would've told you never to trust strangers. But hey, hop in my white van, and let's go find an animal!"

-however many hours later—

"You just… want me to run into this brick wall? Like some idiot?"

"Yeah," the giant shrugged his shoulders. Harry had learned that his name was Hagrid, and that he was indeed NOT Santa Claus.

"Won't I get hurt?"

"No."

"You're… you're not gonna tell me why I need to do this? I just… you're just telling me to go, run head on, into a brick wall? Where I'll probably get a concussion and have to go to a hospital, where people will find my records, send me back to my abusive family, and arrest you for kidnapping? No doubt people have already sent out an Amber Alert," Harry pointed out, nervously clutching the iron bar of his shopping cart. His new pet hawk tweeted nervously.

"For goodness's sake, kid, just do as I say!" Hagrid groaned, shoving Harry forward. With a shout of terror, Harry lurched forward, cart-first into the wall. He screwed his eyes shut, but after a moment of no sudden pain, the boy opened his eyes. He was shocked to find himself in a very busy train station labeled "Station 8 ½" where there were kids with shopping carts like him all around. Before he could say anything, Hagrid mysteriously appeared behind him, and shoved him on the train that was about to leave.

"Good luck, Harry!" the friendly giant cheered as the train began to leave with Harry on it, "I really hope nothing bad happens to you! Like anything! I mean, I hope you don't have to carry a magic ring to a mountain, or go through a random wardrobe and talk to a goat man, or I mean idk this one's a little out there, but I hope you don't have to fight some guy without a nose who needs to tan a bit in order to save the world! But no worries! Have fun!"

Harry waved back at Hagrid, unable to hear what the giant was saying. He shrugged his shoulders and went to find a seat. Luckily for him, there was an open one right near the front.

After a few minutes of sitting by himself like a loner, save for his new pet hawk, a girl with an afro and a ginger boy came and sat by him.

"Good to meet you! My name is Ronald Weasley!" the boy smiled, holding a rat in one hand and shaking Harry's hand with the other.

"And I'm Hermione Granger, the know-it-all who's going to kick your ass in all of our tests," the girl greeted, taking a seat next to Ronald.

"I… I'm Harry. Harry Potter."

-even later because I don't know what happens in between here-

"Welcome, children, welcome! Welcome to Hogwarts!" an old man cheered, causing an uproar from the endless tables of kids.

"Is that Gandalf?!" Ron whispered, staring up at the bearded man.

"NO! That's Professor DUMBLEDORE!" Hermione screeched.

"Well they're the same person anyways…" Ron muttered, too low for his future girlfriend to hear. Harry sighed.

Gandalf continued speaking. "And may I introduce to you… Professor McDonald!"

"Oh dang!" Harry whispered, "that's Lady Violet Crawley from Downton Abbey!"

"Yeah, she's like the female Morgan Freeman!" Ron mentioned excitedly as both of the boys stared up at the old woman.

"Welcome to our lovely school. I promise this is a safe place where none of you could ever get hurt. None! No dark lords, no nightmares, nothing evil could ever come your way here. That's for sure," Professor McDonald assured, his thin voice powerful and slightly scary.

"And now, for your houses!" Dumbledore shouted, pulling out an old hat that probably smelled really bad. Suddenly, the hat started talking, nearly causing Harry to scream.

"I hope we get in the same house," Ron whispered to Harry and Hermione.

Hermione nodded her head. "We probably will. The plot wouldn't work well if we didn't."

"Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Harry Potter! Also that odd kid named Neville that no one knows until like, the last film! You've all been sorted into Gryffindor!" Dumbledore smiled, causing the kids to go into an uproar.

"What's Gryffindor like?" Neville asked quietly, nearly ignored.

"It's like the Thunderclan of the HP world, ya know? So instead of a bunch of Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu cats being together, it's Mary-Sue and Gary-Stu kids with wands being together," some random kid said from somewhere.

"Sounds good to me," Ron stated. Harry nodded his head in agreement.

-later, again—

"Be MY friend, or have NO friends," the annoying little blonde kid threatened Harry, raising a tiny fist.

"I already have friends," Harry said back sternly, "plus, if we became good friends, a bunch of people would start to ship us gay together. But I mean, people already do that even though were enemies, so I guess it doesn't matter."

And so the stick blond kid with his gang moved off, continuing to bully Harry Potter and his friends all the way until they graduate.

-eeeven later—

"It's you, Snape! You're evil! You're trying to use that special rock to do something bad!" Harmonica yelled, her afro hair getting swept up in the wind.

"Noooooo, it's not meeee…" Snape said in a deep voice, being creepy as usual.

"He's right! It's not him, it's me!" a random guy shouted from somewhere near a fire place, causing the three children to turn around. Some man with a turban was sitting in a couch, but his turban fell off, revealing a horrid-looking noseless face in the back of his bald head.

"Oh no! It's Dude-Who-Probably-Shouldn't-Be-Named!" Ron screamed, pointing with a trembling finger at the squirming face.

"Don't worryyyy, I'll take careeeee of it…." Snape assured, waving his wand in the air and then pointing it at the ugly face. "Wingardium Leviosa!"

And just like that, the face was gone.

"Wow! That was great. Too bad I have to go back to my abusive family this summer," Harry sighed, "though you would think that like, I dunno, I could just tell Gandalf or Maggie Smith about the life I'm living, and they could just send me off to live with Ron or something. Sure would save me a loooot of trouble."