Don't forget. A Bookman has no need for a heart.
No matter how much Lavi tried, he couldn't seem to pretend he didn't have one.
He sat on his bed, surrounded by the books and papers piling up in every corner of the room. It was deeply calming to hide like this, to drown to the endless list of the records of the history.
Not having a heart had been pretty easy at first. He didn't get attached to anyone, didn't have friends. He didn't care about the names or the lives of people passing by him everyday. They didn't matter. They were nothing but a pieces of history to write, just a faceless names to be written down.
Ink on a paper.
Back then it hadn't seemed like a big deal. His laughter had not been real, his smile had only been a mask on his face. It had all been an act. No real effort had been made to hide his feelings, because there hadn't been anything to hide.
But it was different now.
Being an Exorcist in Black Order had proved him wrong. He had people he actually cared about now. People to call his comrades, to call his friends. People who made him feel like he belonged there, like he was someone. And eventually he would have to leave this life behind.
Still, it could have been much easier to pretend they meant noting to him if it wasn't for this one person.
Allen Walker.
Another name on a paper.
A name that rang in his ears, a name he often found lingering on his lips.
There was no denying how fond Lavi was to him. Allen was fun to be around. It always felt easy and comfortable with him, like they had known each other much longer than they actually had. He made Lavi laugh, made joking around and smiling feel actually real. He was sweet, caring and downright pure at heart. His eyes were compassionate and tender, yet holding back deep sadness and pain.
Everything about Allen Walker made the young Bookman feel things that were strictly forbidden.
He wanted to save Allen from his dark destiny. He couldn't, but it didn't stop him from wanting to do so.
A knock on the door suddenly teared him away from his thoughts.
"Yeah!" he answered. "Come in!"
The door opened, revealing none other that Allen standing in the doorway. Smiling as politely as always he raised his hand to greet the other.
"Good evening, Lavi."
Lavi's heart skipped a beat when the Allen smiled like that. Only hearing his soft voice made it race wildly, but did he just have to smile like that too?
"What brings you here, shorty?" Lavi questioned, giving him a smirk. "Missed me?"
Allen crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "Firstly, I'm not short. You just happen to be taller than me. Secondly, it's very rude to keep calling me short after I have multiple times told you not to."
"And I'll be sure to remember that the next time" the bookman assured, even though he had no intention of doing so.
"Soooo... do you have time? I would like a sparring partner," Allen proposed, making his way carefully across the room avoiding the records laying everywhere. "Or are you too busy doing bookman stuff?"
Lavi raised an eyebrow."I'm not really doing anything, but... why me? You can beat me easily. Why don't you ask Yuu instead?"
Allen shrugged indifferently and hopped on the bed. "Kanda is feeling murderous because I beat him at cards. And I don't really feel like getting murdered today, so..."
"You cheated, right?" Lavi chuckled, gently poking the boy with his elbow. "You sneaky little brat!"
Allen flashed him an innocent smile. "I would never."
"You're such a liar."
"Am not."
"Are too," Lavi teasingly ruffled Allen's white hair. It was smooth, like a silk. Allen smiled.
They sat there a for a while in complete silence and Lavi couldn't help but to wonder if Allen's reason of seeing him was really just for the sparring. After all, he seemed fully forgotten about the topic by now.
"Allen" he slowly spoke. "Do you feel tired?"
The other gave him a confused look. "No, not really? I slept pretty good last night. Why?"
The young Bookman shook his head, closely examining the other's face. "No, I didn't mean it like that. Are you like, tired from all that has happened to you lately?"
Allen looked away thoughtfully. He tilted his head, scowling a little. "Well, I can't say I'm not." He let out a soft, wistful snort. "But I can't really complain. I am alive and that's what matters. Being alive means being able to protect the people I hold dear. And that means you. And Lenalee. And every other person in the Order. Even Kanda."
How Allen always manage to value everyone's life over his own was miraculous to Lavi. Never during his life he had met a person so noble and self sacrificing. And it made him feel uneasy inside, raising uncertainty of the commitment of having no heart.
He slowly moved a bit closer to Allen, earning a questioning look from him.
"You don't have to save everyone. You can't. Things like death and loss... they are part of the war. And those things happen all the time. It's impossible to live only for the sake of the other's."
He raised his hand over Allen's shoulders, embracing him lightly with one arm.
Hesitatingly Allen's hands also found their way around Lavi's torso, and he gently rested his head on his shoulder.
"It's not that easy for me" he mumbled quietly. "Giving up on that means giving up on everything that I am. And that's everything, Lavi." His voice was only a whisper now. "Everything."
Thought he might have wanted to disagree on that, Lavi nodded. "I guess that's just something you can't help."
"Yeah," Allen affirmed. "It's just something that can't be helped." Smiling, he raised his eyes to view Lavi's face.
The look in his gray eyes was soft yet overpowering - like he saw right past Lavi, deep into his soul. Into his heart. It almost felt like his eyes were searching for something.
"So, haha" Lavi managed to stutter nervously, "I guess this is pretty weird, yeah?"
"No," Allen objected gently. "I don't think it's weird at all."
A Million questions running through his mind, there was only one Lavi dared to ask out loud. "Allen?"
"Hmh?"
"Why are you really here?"
Raising his head on Lavi's level, Allen gave him an odd look. It was wistful and happy at the same time. "I just missed you."
He leaned forward, lips softly brushing the other's cheek.
And a way sooner than Lavi would've liked, Allen drew away and gave him a gentle, saddening smile. With a small amount of hesitation he left the bed and walked through the room, slightly waving his hand as a goodbye. Lavi watched as he disappeared to the hallway, the warmth of his body still lingering on a place he left.
There was no knowing when he would have to leave this place behind. It might not be today or tomorrow, but eventually the time would come and he would have to abandon everyone he held dear. Everything he had allowed himself to fall in love with.
And if Allen Walker was just ink on a paper, just a name among many others...
Lavi, can't you hear my voice?
Then he was the only name that mattered.