A/N: I think everyone has those memories of loved ones that can be triggered by a song, a picture, a word and it causes sadness and happiness combined. It can give us a lost feeling and deep ache in our hearts. This is what I think Sam was feeling when he had to bury Dean after he was killed by the hell hounds. I hope you enjoy my thoughts. Please review, I like to know what you think. NC
Disclaimer: I do not own SPN and this is of my own creation.
The surrounding forest around him was silent as if out of respect for the dead. Sam laid a dirty, trembling hand on the simple pine coffin that sat in the hole he had dug. Tears mingled with the sweat that trickled down his face as a small sob escaped from between his lips that he could no longer hold in. He didn't think he had any more tears to shed as they blurred his vision and his throat ached with rawness from the grief he had already released. He bowed his head in defeat knowing he had failed his brother. He had not been able to save him no matter what he did. The ache in his heart made his chest hurt and it felt like his soul was ripped into. He had never felt such a deep, tremendous loss as he did at this moment as he laid his brother's ravaged body to rest. But that was not true, he was not at rest, nor at peace. He was suffering un-imaginable torment and torture in hell so that he could live. The guilt of this selfless act by his brother ate at his very soul and threatened to destroy him. The air was heavy with humidity that hung on the leaves of the trees and dripped silently to the ground around him. He didn't acknowledge the other presence that stood nearby knowing he would patiently let him say his good byes to his brother. Vivid memories began to flood his mind of his brother from so long ago. Memories he would forever hold dear to him, etched deep in his soul where they couldn't be taken away.
spn
"Say Dean, Sammy. I know you can do it." Dean coaxed him as he sat on the bed with him.
He looked up at his brother with loving eyes and hung on his every word.
"Dean, Sammy. Say my name."
"Dee!" Sammy chirped clapping his hands together and throwing himself at his brother's body.
"You said it!" Dean beamed with pride as he caught his little brother's body and hugging him. "You're gonna be so smart Sammy."
spn
"C'mon Sammy you can do it." Dean encouraged as he held his arms out to him trying to get him to take a step. Sammy had a firm grip on the coffee table and stood beside it looking to his big brother who stood a few steps away. He looked to the open arms that he knew so well and knew he would be there to catch him if he fell. Without another thought, Sammy tottered on wobbly legs and took the three steps it took to get to his brother. "You're such a big boy Sammy. Pretty soon you'll be running around all over the place." Dean said as he kissed the top of his head.
spn
"One more plea-a-a-se." Sammy begged his brother.
"One more and then its bedtime." Dean told him pulling another book out of their bag.
"Thanks Dee." Sammy said cuddling into his brother's side as Dean began to read the book. He studied every page as Dean read the story to him.
spn
"Hey it's not that bad, you just scrapped your knees." Dean told him as he helped him up from where he had fallen.
Sam sniffed and wiped the tears from his face as Dean examined his knees to see how bad they were.
"We'll just wash them off and put medicine on them. You'll be as good as new." Dean assured his brother giving him a hug.
spn
Sam never really stopped to think how much Dean had given up to take care of him from the time their mother died. From the time he was four, Dean became his protector, friend, father, and provider. Dean always made sure he had what he needed, even if he did without. Dean always put him first over anything else. Dean was an adult in a child's body. His childhood was taken from him that night when the demon claimed their mother's life. He protected him from anything and anyone as they grew up. Sam wondered how Dean kept it together all those years, especially when Sam started running away and arguing and fighting their Dad and him at every turn. He was stubborn, hard headed and uncontrollable, but Dean had stood by him through it all and always came looking for him to bring him back. He had given him hell too many times to count but it never changed how Dean felt about him.
"I'm gonna miss ya bro." Sam mumbled replaying other memories that he had forgotten about over time.
spn
"Ok Sammy, this is your class." Dean told five year old Sammy as they stood outside his classroom. "I'm going to my class now. You do what your teacher tells you. I'll be back to pick you up when school's out."
"Ok, Dee." Sammy said looking into the classroom but not letting go of Dean's hand.
"It'll be ok Sammy. You got this kiddo. I'll be nearby and they know to come get me if anything happens." Dean assured him patting his back.
"Alright." Sammy said walking into the classroom with one more look over his shoulder at his brother.
True to his word Dean was waiting for him at the door when school was dismissed. He slung an arm around his shoulders and they went by a fast food place and got a milkshake. Sammy was happy and bubbly telling Dean everything they did in school that day.
spn
"Don't tell Dad I gave ya this." Dean told him pouring some of his beer into a glass for Sam.
"Thanks Dee." Sam said accepting the glass in sniffing the beer. He watched Dean sip from the bottle and took a tentative sip of the beer. Sam made a face and coughed hard wondering how his brother drank this stuff.
"Don't worry Sammy; you'll get use to it." Dean laughed as Sam sat the glass down not wanting any more.
spn
"Just ask her Sammy." Dean urged.
"I don't know Dee." Sam whines.
"She'll either say yes or no. You won't know unless you do it. Don't be chicken."
"I'm not, it's just..."
"C'mon Sammy, go ask her out. I'll wait here for ya." Dean told him giving him a small push toward a girl sitting on a bench at the park. She was in Sam's class and he really liked her. "Go for it dude." Dean watched on as Sam finally walked up to the girl and started talking to her. Dean smiled happily when Sam sat down beside her.
spn
"You taught me everything Dean. For that I never thanked you." Sam said patting the coffin top lovingly. His breath hitched in his throat as it tightened almost making it impossible for him to breathe for a moment. He scooped up a hand full of dirt and sprinkled it over the top of the coffin. "I'll do whatever it takes to get you out of there. I'll be waiting for you." he said as the memory flashed by of what Dean had done for him, always sacrificing himself for his baby brother.
spn
"You know when Jake saw me it was like he saw a ghost" Sam told Dean. "Hell you heard him Dean; He said he killed me before."
"He was wrong." Dean replied trying to play it down.
"I don't think he was. Dean what happened after I was stabbed?"
"I already told you."
"Not everything." Sam accused him.
"We just killed a demon; can't we celebrate for a minute?" Dean begged not wanting to tell Sam the truth.
"Did I die?" Sam asked softly. "Did you sell your soul for me? Like Dad did for you?"
"C'mon no!"
"Tell me the truth."
"Sam..." Dean begged looking at him pleadingly.
"How long you get?"
"One year...I got one year."
"You shouldn't of done that! How could you do that?" Sam asked looking away pain etched on his face.
"Look at me." Dean told him. "I had to; I had to look out for you. That's my job."
"And what do you think my job is now? You've saved my life over and over. You've sacrificed everything for me; don't you think I'd do the same for you?" Sam asked him. "You're my big brother, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna get you out of this. I'm gonna save your ass for a change."
spn
"I'm sorry brother, I couldn't keep my promise." Sam choked out as he pushed out of the hole and picked up his shovel. He looked down one more time at the coffin that held his big brother and began to shovel dirt over it. He didn't speak to Bobby as he came over to help and Bobby didn't say anything to him. They shoveled dirt until the hole was filled. Sam took his shovel and tapped the dirt down and smoothed it out. He took a homemade cross and knelt at the head of the grave to push it into the ground and picked up a rock to pound it down more. Once he was satisfied it would stay in place, he dropped the rock and just stayed kneeling for a few minutes with his head bowed.
"I'll always remember bro. Our memories will always be in my heart and I won't ever forget. You come back to me, you hear?" Sam whispered. He stood up and felt the fatherly hand Bobby placed on his shoulder and nodded to him his thanks. They turned and walked away as Sam cast one last look back over his shoulder.
"See ya later big brother." he whispered into the breeze that blew through the clearing.
Precious Memories how they linger,
How they ever flood my soul.
In the stillness of the Midnight
Precious, sacred things unfold...
The End