Author's Notes/Disclaimer:
I don't own Yoroiden Samurai Troopers. I think we all know that by now, ne? I would have every piece of merchandise if I did. ^_^ There would also be more OVAs. YST belongs to several companies, of which Sunrise and Bandai are the most important. Anyway, this has major spoilers for the ending of Gaiden (i.e. what happens to Luna, if there is a soul out there in YST fandom who hasn't seen it or read Theria's summary) and rewrites it a tiny bit – the final bridge scene, though pretty, never happened. ^_^()Angel Dust
Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
I watched the movement of his chest as it rose and fell with his breathing.
Up.
Down.
...
...
Up, damn it! You're not one to give in so easily!
My hand was gravitating towards the emergency button by the side of his hospital bed when he took a sudden sharp intake of air. Suppressing my own sigh of relief, I went back to watching his chest move. It felt as if my concentration was the only thing keeping it going. My head ached from focusing so hard, but the silly fear wouldn't release me from its grasp. It was foolish- after all, I knew better than to think my staring would keep his lungs breathing and his heart moving. Still..."You know we're all here, don't you?" I asked him. The only response I got was the slow beeping of his heart monitor and the slight hiss of air coming from the oxygen mask placed over his face in an attempt to ease his breathing. "None of us have left the hospital but Nasuti. She's been running errands and making sure the rest of us have been taking care of ourselves. She's a Godsend… They wouldn't even be letting us in to see you if it weren't for her influence. They wanted to keep you isolated, but she shed a few tears, gave them some convincing arguments, and dropped some important names, so we're now allowed in one at a time. She bought a grave in the cemetery for Luna, too. Next to her brother…" I stopped my rambling before it got any more morbid. He still didn't move. If I weren't watching his chest, I would almost think he was… My train of thought broke off abruptly. I was quickly becoming exasperated with myself – I couldn't even think the word. It was as if my subconscious was telling me that the very thought would make it a reality. So much for being the calm, sensible one.
"Do you know anything that's been happening so far?" I wondered out loud, trying to distract myself. "The doctors don't know if you can hear us or not. They thought it might help if we talked to you." At least, Shin had said that they think so. "I sure hope you can hear us, because you have to know that we won't leave you alone. We're not going to let you go, Seiji."
He gave no indication of having heard my words or of having any knowledge that I was there – his body lay still as a corpse, only his chest rising with his uneven breathing. I blinked back the tears that were threatening the edges of my eyes. "It's frustrating. I don't think I know much more than you do." I irritably shoved back the strand of blue hair that hung between my eyes. The tears were insisting on coming now. Certainly it was due to the hairs blowing into my eyes and making them water, wasn't it? After all, there was nothing to cry about. Shin and Nasuti had told us that the doctors said he'd recover just fine. I didn't like how still and pale Seiji was, but the doctors obviously knew their business if they were in charge of a hospital this size.
As if on cue, several doctors walking by stopped outside the closed door, just visible through the large window in the door that let in light but was not made to be seen out of. I could hear them jabbering in English and cursed myself yet again for not paying attention in that class. For some reason the language had simply never appealed to me, so I had only done enough to pass the required classes. Of course, I had brushed up on necessary phrases during the extremely long plane ride to America, but I wasn't expecting to need medical terms. As it was, only Nasuti and Shin were fluent in English. Shu and I both could struggle along to an extent, but Ryo didn't speak a word of it. Nasuti and Shin had to translate anything the doctors said, and I had the distinct feeling that they weren't telling everything. They spoke too slowly, and talked to each other in English too often. 'Surely things aren't as bad as all that? The doctors know what they're talking about. Besides, it's impossible to keep a Samurai Trooper out for long.'
"You know, it's funny how things work out," I sighed audibly, kicking at the backpack that I had put by my feet when I sat down. "I thought everything was gonna be okay after we defeated Shikaisen. I really thought it would. I felt bad about Luna, of course, but still… we'd gotten Jun and Nasuti back – we'd gotten you back. I mean, I had noticed that you looked a little dizzy and you were kinda flushed, but I didn't expect anything like this. I just figured you were exhausted or feeling some minor effects of being held prisoner for so long." I brushed my hand through my hair, trying to keep it out of my eyes. Maybe losing the headband had been a bad idea – those involuntary pricks of water were suddenly harder to blink away. I could probably pick up another band once Seiji was out of the hospital…
"We really should have guessed that something like this would happen. You were being drugged the whole time Shikaisen had you, after all, so there were bound to be some side effects. I suppose we're just so used to everyone bouncing back after a battle that we forgot this one was a little different." As I spoke, I watched the pale face before me, wanting him to open his eyes and give me that cold stare he was so good at; wanting him to tell me it wasn't my fault, tell me it was my fault, tell me anything. Knowing he'd be okay didn't seem to make it much easier, and what made it doubly frustrating was that none of the ones responsible were alive to answer for this. Both the mad scientist and Shikaisen were dead, and while there was some satisfaction in that, it left us with nothing to do but watch Seiji fight through this on his own. I sighed again and continued talking, trying to elicit a response.
"You know, Seiji, I wish you'd wake up soon. Regardless of what the doctors say, everyone's really torn up over this. Ryo is especially upset. You know, you getting sick right after Luna died… not that you're going to do that or anything!" I added hastily, not wanting to give him ideas – just in case. "It's a lot of stress for him right now. Shu's pretty upset too. He seems to feel like there was something he could have done. You know him – he has to be actively fighting before he feels like he's doing something."
Actually, Nasuti and Shin were the ones that had been driving me crazy the last few days. They kept murmuring to each other in English, usually with Seiji's name. I kept hearing them say he needed something, but the something wasn't in my reasonably limited English vocabulary. Whenever I asked them what it was and what I could do, they just smiled in that way that made my heart twist painfully and told me to go sit with him, or to go play with Jun, or to go get something to eat. Damn it, why didn't they just get whatever it was and be done with it? Surely the Samurai Troopers could find anything we put our minds to!
A faint breeze stirred the curtains in front of the open window. I stood up and went over to the window, letting the warm sunshine pour onto my tired face. It was midmorning, and even through the city haze the light was strong and pleasant. I looked back to the still body lying on the hospital bed, willing him to wake up and share the sunshine with me, feel the cool breeze that hinted at autumn. He didn't move. I sighed yet again as I dropped the curtain and returned to my seat by his bed. The room seemed dark suddenly, despite the white walls and glaring lights.
For the thousandth time, I picked up the big medical dictionary from my bag and flipped through it. It fell open easily to the page on "phencyclidine." I read through the description of symptoms again, though I had it memorized by now and had seen most of them in action when Seiji collapsed. Dizziness, flushed skin, sweating, numbness, convulsions, confusion, paranoia, rapid heart rate, hallucinations… The page also mentioned heart and lung failure, but that obviously couldn't have happened to him. I flipped to another well-worn page, this one describing the effects of an overdose of sedatives. Unfortunately, there wasn't a description of what happened when the two were mixed, but I supposed that the doctors had probably seen it before. Shikaisen couldn't possibly have been the first person to try it. Anyway, it had been a long time since Seiji had been in convulsions, and the once-flushed skin had become quite pale instead. His heart rate had slowed down to something somewhat slower than I had thought was quite right, but it was better than barely being able to keep up with the number of beats per minute. I still didn't like it, but any change from when we first brought him in would have to be an improvement, considering. Besides, the doctors would tell us if anything were wrong.
Footsteps stopped outside again, and this time I could see two figures silhouetted against the glass of the door. When one spoke I knew that they were Shin and Nasuti. I could tell Shin was upset, his voice ragged and rough. He was asking Nasuti a question in English, and she answered in a tearful voice with the same phrase I had been hearing since we got here. "He needs..." I couldn't understand the last word. Growling under my breath, I dug back into my bag and pulled out another book – a comprehensive Japanese-English dictionary. I was going to find out what that damned word meant.
I flipped through the pages slowly, trying to match up the unfamiliar sounds. I came close to giving up in frustration more than once. How did Americans stand words that sounded nothing like how they were spelled?
Finally, I found the word that I was fairly sure was the proper one.
I could feel my eyes widen, and the book dropped out of my limp hand with a muffled thud. 'Oh.'
I think that the world fell out from under me in that moment.
I sat there for some time, blinking as everything that I had been told was suddenly proven quite false after all. I slowly leaned against the side table by Seiji's bed and buried my head in my arms, letting the hot tears fall freely for the first time.
Miracle (n): kiseki.
***************************
It was once again my turn to sit with Seiji. I eased open the door quietly and slipped inside. It's amazing the difference that a day can make in your perspective, ne?
"Hey," I whispered as I sat down next to him. He didn't respond, but then I didn't expect him to. The certainty that had kept me going through the last few days had been destroyed, and I was suddenly tired. Very tired. I simply wanted to go to sleep and not have to worry anymore – not worry about whether I was ever going to see one of my friends again, or whether they'd recover from their life-threatening wound, or whether we'd be able to save the world this time. I was tired of sacrificing my friends. I just wanted all of us to have normal, healthy lives, damn it!
A nurse opened the door to Seiji's room and peeked in. She saw me sitting with him and gave me a sympathetic smile before shutting the door again. Damn them and their sympathy! I didn't need it, didn't want it. I wanted Seiji back, that was all. I don't know how I managed to miss all the little subtleties before: the doctors frowning as they looked over him, the nurses whispering about the Japanese patient in sad tones whenever they entered the room, etc. It made me furious – irrationally so, perhaps, but the anger was there all the same. I desperately wished for something to hit, something that I could take out all my aggressions and excess energy on. Something that could handle my trying to beat back the darkness that threatened to overtake all our souls now that the light was no longer able to defend us.
It was that anger and perhaps that darkness which had led me to confront Shin that day as soon as Shu had come to sit with Seiji. I understood why they would lie to Ryo or Jun about this, since Ryo was depressed enough to be nearly past talking to and Jun was too young to have to handle this. I sort-of understood why they wouldn't tell Shu, who was only marginally more stable than Ryo. However, I felt that I, as Seiji's best friend, should know exactly what was happening and had told him that. I had started out by yelling at him and ended up comforting him as he broke down, salty tears coursing down his cheeks both from sorrow over Seiji's condition and guilt from lying over it. Lying was difficult for the warrior of trust, even if it was to protect the rest of us. He had finally given me the full truth and comforted me in turn.
"Touma, it's true that things look bad for Seiji now. He went into heart failure the first night we brought him in. While the doctors saved him, they aren't entirely sure how much damage was done. He needs a miracle to live. However, you also have to remember who we are and what we've done. Keeping Jun and Nasuti safe through an entire war was a miracle. Ryo surviving the final battle was a miracle. The MaSho and Kayura recovering their free will was a miracle. The very fact that we all still have our lives is a miracle. Miracles are our specialty." Shin had smiled at me, his tear-stained face lighting up as fresh hope entered his weary voice. I couldn't help but believe him then.
However, believing him while staring at your comatose friend was an entirely different matter.
The window was closed today, and the antiseptic smell of the hospital hung in the air, clouding my mind. The slow beeping of his heart monitor was like Chinese water torture, not helping to focus my thoughts either. Desperately, I tried another stab at one-sided conversation, pretending that nothing had changed from yesterday. I remembered when Shin and Nasuti had tried to explain exactly what had happened to Seiji…
"Ryo didn't know what phencyclidine was when Nasuti was telling us what the doctors said. He keeps to himself so much at school that I think he misses stuff like that. It's good that he does; it keeps his heart pure. Anyway, when Shu was explaining it to him he called it 'angel dust.' It's rather ironic. When I was young – really young, since I remember my mother telling it to me – my favorite story was about a king who was bitten by a demon in battle. He was poisoned, and only a miracle could save him." The burning behind my eyes became too painful, and I tilted my head back to look at the ceiling as I talked. I felt the moisture gather at the edges of my eyes.
"His youngest son traveled all the way to Heaven to get the miracle. He passed dangerous tests and proved that he was good enough to deserve it. The angels shook their wings over a container and gave it to him. Inside the container was a fine layer of dust. He took the dust and spread it to the four winds, making his wish. The dust turned into butterflies as it blew off, and when he made it home he found his father cured. Funny, something that could save one person could kill another. It's just your luck that when it comes to angel dust, you get Lucifer's, huh?" The bitterness that I had worked so hard to keep out of my voice was back, and I forced myself to recall Shin's words. True, the life of my friend was at stake, with nothing I could do about it. But…
I sat quietly for a few moments, pushing back the tears with all the strength I possessed. I had cried openly upon finding out, but now I would be strong for Seiji. I knew – with the odd certainty that comes in desperate situations – that on some level he could hear me, and I wanted to say the right thing to give him faith in himself and in us. I needed to convey to him in my own words the hope Shin had given me back, but I wasn't sure how. I cleared my throat, trying to loosen the tight feeling. In a low voice, I started to speak to Seiji again, still watching the ceiling.
"I see now the way the doctors shake their heads when they look at you or your charts. They don't think you're going to make it, you know? Oh, they won't say it exactly, even to Shin and Nasuti, though both of them were intelligent enough to understand anyway. But those doctors don't know you, Seiji. They don't know how strong you are, nor how stubborn. They don't know how proud you are. But I do. I know you're way too proud to die because of a stupid trick some scientist pulled, aren't you? Aren't you?" The last part came out far more as a question than I'd intended. I glanced back down at him. That was a mistake. Seeing him lying there, looking more dead than alive but with that ridiculous hair still in place. He'd been to Hell and back, and his hair was still perfect. It'd take a miracle to mess it up.
Regardless of how many we'd had in the past, we didn't have any miracles to spare.
I wondered what Shikaisen would think if he knew that, even after death, he had managed to turn seven peoples' lives to hell.
The damn bastard would probably be proud.
I bowed my head and continued my vigil over my unconscious friend in silence, waiting for a miracle that I had lost faith in.
~Owari
"Is it too late? Are you too far gone to stay?
Best friends forever should never have to go away…"
~ If Only Tears Could Bring You Back