I never told you how much I loved you did I? I saw the pain in your eyes when I flirted with another, I remember you flirting with another tom trying to get my attention, I ignored you and went off with another queen. I saw the humiliation in your eyes but I ignored your pain. I thought you would always love me. I was so naïve then, I truly believed my supply of adoring queens would never run out, that I'd be the playboy of the Junk yard for ever. I remember when I had a night when no queen wanted me and I came to your den but I heard the sounds of laughter coming from inside your den. You and my brother. I think that was the moment I realized you deserved better than me.

I saw you the next day, you and him, sat on the old car together with Bombalurina. I remember how you looked at each other. I cried over you that day my love. I knew how much I had hurt you that day, the day I lost the love of my life to Macavity. I remember Jellylorum saying to me when I was younger before you came to the Junk Yard that I would be a heart breaker when I grew up. She was so right. I broke your heart and for that I will never forgive myself.

Though it broke my heart I didn't tell you how I felt. I truly believed that you would be happier with Macavity than me. I watched him and I never saw him mistreat you. You always seemed happy I know now that was an act. That under your smiles and laughter you hurt in so many places. I never looked close enough. I flirted more than ever as I watched what seemed to be your complete happiness with him. You will never know how much I regret letting him hurt you.

I thought your happiness was complete when you had his kits. Jemima and Quaxo you named them. Quaxo a little tuxedo tom looking so much like his uncle and Jemima, a little queen who looked so much like her father with the voice of an angel. I didn't think your life could get any better. Then Rumpleteazer turned up at the Junk yard and the moment she saw Macavity she tried to run. She was his old agent and she had come to the junk yard with her mate Mungojerrie looking for safety. Macavity had raped her and she'd had his kit Etcetera. Macavity was banished for that because while she was a thief she was still a Jellicle. I still didn't find out how badly he'd hurt you until I overheard you telling Munkustrap one evening. I used to sit outside your den in the evenings waiting for you to come home trying to make sure you were safe. When I heard you tell him I could have come out from my hiding place and hugged you but I was too afraid to.

The next day Munkustrap came up to me and told me to leave you alone. I glared at him and asked what business it was of his. He smiled at me as though I was an imbecile and replied so sweetly that since you two were to be mates he didn't think it appropriate for me to associate with you especially as you had just had a major shock and were still incredibly upset. I left then but I still loved you. No matter the number of queens that were in my bed I still loved you. I watched have another kit, this time with Munkustrap and I knew I would never be in that picture with you. The happy family one, you, me and our newborn kitten. I cried again that day.

Then Victoria came to the Junk Yard. Munkustrap met her at the gate and brought her in. You weren't suspicious, that isn't in your nature even after all you've been through. He introduced her to Old Deuteronomy and got her accepted as a Jellicle. Everyone loved Victoria, unfortunately Munkustrap loved her more than the rest and next Jellicle ball they became mates. I saw the devastation in your eyes when he stepped forward for her, like your entire world had been crushed around you. He was your third tom and even he left you. You stood there at the edge of the square as everyone else paired off, even your children had partners and you were alone. You looked so young stood there in the moonlight. I had to go over to you. You looked up at me as I held out my paw to you and asked you to dance. I'll never forget how surprised you were. You accepted my invitation and we danced in the middle of the square. It was so unlike us. Our usual style is fast. We hadn't danced together in years but we still remembered what it felt like. In the short time given us I realised you had remembered our last dance together every day. I regretted not dancing again with you. I regret that I almost lost you. The only queen I ever have loved. The queen of my heart. Demeter