Making memories out of us.
I watched her die. I can't even explain that feeling, and what it did to me.
An hour prior to that we made love, because that was what it was.
She was going to say she loved me, but stopped herself. I don't know why she did that, maybe she wasn't ready, or maybe she thought that I wasn't ready. Anyway I would have said it back, I think. I will never be able to hear her say those words, although I find myself saying those words out loud every day. Maybe she hears them, maybe not.
How or why we fell in love I can't explain. Who knows why anybody feels a certain way about somebody else. I loved Finn too. But not like this, not like I loved her, and he didn't love me like she loved me. I didn't know I could love someone like that, and I for sure didn't know how hard it would be to live without that love, that person.
My life is a mess. I have so many things to worry about, so much stuff inside my head there's barely enough space for her. Lexa. Even saying her name out loud pains me. It's like my heart can't bare hearing her name, it feels like i'm going to die too. But I don't die. I keep on living, I keep on feeling these feelings all the time, but I push thru.
Once in a while she slips back into my memory, I try not to think about it. I try to focus on all the other things that's going on. But it's too hard, it's almost as if she's trying so hard to make me not forget about her. I could never forget.
All I have now is this chip. This little thing I keep close to my heart because I have to believe Lexa is in there. And that I can somehow get her out.
I have to believe I can get her out, and back to me. It's not possible that this world would give me her, make me love her, just to take her away.
I will find a way.