Is it good… that I was born?

"Ace"

Ace's eyes blinked sluggishly. He pushed himself up from the cold floor and brought a hand to the side of his face. It was numb with cold, but his hand wasn't doing much for warming it up.

His eyes adjusted to the dim room and he frowned at the blankets beside him. He must have imagined his name being called because his brothers stayed true to their word. He was alone.

Wrapping his arms around himself to ward off the bone-stabbing chill Ace exited Dadan's hideout with effortless silence. Outside he was met with a biting wind. He almost turned back for one of the blankets he'd left behind but decided against it. In his twisted mind, the cold was his due punishment.

He curled in on himself as he pushed through the wind. Three days now and he still didn't have an answer. He still didn't know if he deserved them, if he was being selfish. Three days since that dream. The too real, too horrific, too terrifying waking nightmare that carried with it a realization: He was dangerous.

He was the most dangerous person to know in the whole of Goa Kingdom. Maybe in all of East Blue. Maybe even everywhere. One day the wrong person would learn who he was and they'd come for him. They'd come and his brothers would be slaughtered in front of him just like in that hell he woke from. He'd get them killed one day.

And that's the very thought that allowed him to push his brothers away until he could think things through. It was the reason he found himself freezing and alone and walking in circles because he wants to go to them. He wants nothing more than to join them in the treehouse and share their warmth and take comfort in their company.

He should stop being stubborn and just go home. Luffy would throw his arms around him in his sleep and mumble his name in that way that made him sound more like a toddler than an almost-eight year old. Sabo wouldn't say anything, but he'd shift the blankets so Ace had enough to cover himself.

In the morning Luffy would beam at him and catch him up on all the little details Ace missed in his 3 day absence. Sabo would still be pissed at him, but he'd smirk just the same when he asks if Ace is up to hunting up some breakfast.

Keep them safe. Let them go. You don't deserve them. Why were you even born?

Ace squeezed his eyes shut against the thoughts and slunk down against the trunk of a great tree. His hands caught his hair in painful clumps as he tried to shake the thoughts away. Snips of the nightmare passed through his mind, threatening to bloom into vivid flashbacks as he warded them away.

He didn't want to think anymore. He just wanted to go home. Dadan's or the treehouse or even Gray Terminal. He'd take any of them if his brothers were with him. It's not like home had ever felt like a tangible place. But he didn't get up.

Is it good… that I'm their brother?

An indistinguishable amount of time passed before he heard the voice.

"Ace"

It was the same voice that woke him, the same one he'd mistaken as one of his brothers'. Now he realized it sounded nothing like Sabo or Luffy. It hardly sounded human at all. Ace scanned the dense woods around him but saw nothing.

Something rustled to his right. Squinting against the darkness Ace realized what was moving toward him with terrified alarm. A gator easily twice the size of any Ace had ever seen was moving toward in him in the familiar, steady gait that all gators adapted when they were zoning in on prey.

Ace tried to jump to his feet but they buckled like cooked noodles under his weight. If he'd had a moment to think about it he would have identified the sensation of pins and needles.

"Ace….. "

Through his panic Ace, on some level, processed the fact that the gator was calling his name. He didn't have time to contemplate the impossibility of that fact, though. Falling had landed him flat on his stomach with the giant gator's head less than a man's length away from his own.

His arms scrambled for purchase under him but the ground was soft. Much, much softer than it should be. He couldn't push himself up. In fact, he was sinking!

Mud rose up to his chin as he instinctively forced his sights up at the sky to keep his mouth clear of the muk.

"Aaaaasssssssseeeeeeee"

This time there was an unmistakable hissing quality to the voice, as though the gator were really a serpent of some kind.

He didn't need to guess for long. If the great reptile had any qualms about swimming through the thick mud it didn't show it. His head still tilted up to the sky, his arms and legs worked desperately to keep him from sinking farther, Ace could only look down at death approaching.

He didn't want to die. He wanted his brothers. He wanted to fight with them and beside them. To grow up with them and- one day- he wanted to be someone they could count on, no matter what paths they walked.

And yet…

This is better. I'm too weak to stay away from them so this is better. If I'm dying to save them… I can accept that. This is-

A powerful, painful pressure came down on his leg and pulled. He took a breath in to scream and breathed mud. There was nothing after that.

Until there was.

Birds. Ace knew he was in the forest even before he cracked open his eyes. He sat up with a start and ran his hands over the leg the gator had savaged. He realized in a mix of equal parts wonder and relief that the skin was unbroken. It wasn't even sore. He was alive and whole.

Ace used a tree to steady himself as he got to his feet. It was mid-afternoon from the look of it, which made no sense at all. Even if the mud and the gator had been a vivid... hallucination? Nightmare? Could nightmares be that real? Even the dream that had planted the seeds of doubt about his relationship with his brothers had still had some of that foggy dream quality about it. But not the gator. There was nothing surreal about the gator. He could still taste the mud in his throat.

In any case, even if it had been a dream, how was it that he'd been unconscious for over fifteen hours?

Feeling more unsettled than he'd even felt before Ace headed toward the treehouse. His resolve to stay away from his brothers for their own good had been feeble at best. Though he'd never allow himself to think it, Ace was still a child. And a scared child always gravitates toward familiarity.

So when Ace came to the place where the treehouse most definitely should be and was met with a small, empty clearing, he had to blink hard against the emotions overtaking him. Shock and disbelief were there, sure. But above all was the feeling of the ground crumbling beneath his feet.

Where were his brothers? There was no way they'd take down the treehouse; no way they even could in the course of the few days he was gone. And he could find his way here blindfolded anyday. So, then what? What was going on?

Ace cupped his hands around his mouth and called out as loud as he could.

"Sabo! Luffy!"

Birds scattered from the treetops, leaving silence in their wake.

With a deepened sense of urgency Ace passed the clearing. If they weren't here, they were probably near the city. Gray Terminal, maybe, or hunting nearby so they wouldn't have to drag a gator skin far to cash it in.

By the time Ace made it to Gray Terminal the sun was lower in the sky. It was later than he'd estimated from under the canopy of the forest. He scowled as he watched the homeless citizens of the dump eye him with suspicion.

He was used to wary looks. It was wise to be cautious of Ace with the reputation he had around here. But there was no reason he should be getting these looks, as though he was a stranger to the Terminal.

A hand landed hard on his shoulder, turning him around before he could react. A man Ace recognized grinned down at him.

"How would you like to make a few belli, son? " the man rasped.

Ace glared up at him with a look of indignation. This guy knew not to mess with him. He made sure just about everyone here knew he was the wrong kid to cross.

The shock passed and Ace gripped the man's hand and twisted it with a sickening snap. The man yowled, pulling his hand protectively to his chest and cursing Ace in every way imaginable.

The small audience that had gathered quickly dispersed. If there was one thing Ace knew about himself it was that he was quick to anger. Embarrassment angered him. Weakness angered him. Worry pissed him off.

But the worst was this feeling of absolute confusion. He hated it. Any other ten year old would be chewing their lip and wringing their hands. Not Ace. Ace felt his face warming in anger, his heart pounding in his chest.

Things were wrong here. But he didn't understand how or why and it made him want to scream. And so he did. He called his brothers' names in a tone that would have sent anyone else running. He screamed for them with a desperation some mistook for pure blood lust.

The only two people in the world who would have run toward the sound of murder in his voice instead of fleeing it never came. It took every ounce of patience Ace could muster to move on to the city.

Sneaking into the city was easy when you didn't have a loudmouthed, clumsy trouble magnet tagging along. It was getting dark and Ace knew the chances of Sabo staying in the city after dusk were slim to none, especially if Luffy was with him. Still, the only alternative was returning to the forest and checking Dadan's place. That would involve passing by the empty treehouse site, which was something Ace had decided not to think much more on.

Smells of cooking meals came at him from all directions. His stomach rumbled unhappily. He pulled some coin from a passing noble's coat and bought a small meal from a street vendor. He sat on the street curb to eat it, watching the bustling crowds pass, all the time searching for red and blue in the crowd.

Ace jumped up with a start, spilling the last bites of his meal into the street. He took off running, aware of the sound of a guard behind him ordering him to clean up his mess. Ace elbowed and shouldered his way through the crowd until he found who he was looking for. Sure enough, the flash of royal blue through the gaps in the crowd had been Sabo.

Ace trotted up to him, careful to pack away the pure relief and joy he felt at the sight of his brother.

"Oi, Sabo!" he called.

His brother stopped in his tracks and turned to see who'd called him. To Ace's disappointment and ire, Sabo didn't look happy to see him. He didn't look mad, either. He looked confused. It wasn't an expression Ace had been expecting.

"Yes?" his brother answered, his tone obviously laced with forced politeness.

Ace didn't like it, and he didn't like the way Sabo was looking him up and down. He didn't like how his eyes lingered on Ace's dirty clothes, or how when their eyes finally met Sabo seemed to look right through him.

"What?" Ace asked, his relief was quickly turning to annoyed confusion.

"You're the one who called to me, "Sabo reminded him, the forced politeness thinning. "Do I know you?"

The question hit like a brick to the face. Ace stumbled a few steps back. He knew Sabo better than he knew anyone else in this world. Sabo was being honest. Sabo had no idea who he was. Despite knowing this, Ace couldn't help the actions that followed that one terrible question.

Before he realize what he was doing Ace had Sabo by the shoulders and was shaking him hard.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

Sabo's face shifted from disbelief to anger. With a growl he threw himself forward and tackled Ace to the ground. They rolled around until Sabo pinned him down and swung a hard right into the side of Ace's face.

"Any other guy in my shoes would have you killed for something as stupid as this," Sabo said, and Ace knew it was a warning more than a threat.

"I don't know who you are but this place isn't safe. Get out while you can."

Ace pushed Sabo off him and spit out a mouthful of blood. He wiped a wrist across his mouth and glared up at his brother. Sabo was already on his feet and dusting himself off.

"The hell has gotten into you?" Ace spat, his mind raced with all the possible explanations. But he wasn't the one who was good at figuring stuff out. Sabo was the smart one. Sabo solved the problems.

"Listen, I don't know if you're crazy or just stupid, but if you go around attacking nobles you're going to get yourself killed."

Ace felt his heart dive. Sabo hated his noble background. If there was any lingering doubt that this wasn't real, that it was just an elaborate prank to teach Ace a lesson, it was extinguished.

"Why? You hate your father! You hate this place! So why? Why are you still here?" he could hear the pleading in his own voice but he didn't care. His eyes locked with Sabo's and he saw the other boy's guard falter.

"Where else is there to go?"

Ace dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands. The absolute defeat in his brother's voice ignited a new anger in his heart. Sabo was trapped here. Ace didn't know how or why, but he was.

He wanted to tell Sabo to come with him. That it didn't matter that he didn't remember him, that he didn't have to stay here and suffer. He could be free. He could have brothers.

Brothers…

Luffy!

Ace was so caught up with Sabo that he'd failed to realize how wrong it was for Luffy to not be here with Sabo. If he wasn't here, then where?

Sabo was walking away by the time Ace worked this all out.

"At least tell me where Luffy is," Ace called after him.

"Sorry, never heard of a Luffy," was the reply. Sabo didnt even spare him a backwards glance.

Ace's eyes filled with frustrated tears. He turned his back on Sabo, on the city, and faced the forest once more.

Dadan's hideout was in full-on panic mode when Ace arrived. Men rushed in and out of the building, some carried towels and cloths from the clothes lines while others carried soiled clothes out. No one seemed to notice as he approached.

"Garp is going to kill us. Lock us all up at the very least. We should leave the kid and split while we gotta chance!" He heard one bandit he'd always espeically disliked exclaim to the bandit beside him.

Ace heard similar grumblings from other groups as he got closer. He pushed his way through the door. The smell of blood hit him first. Dadan's frantic orders drew his attention to the far side of the room. Bandits were clustered around it like a silent vigil as Dadan paced around the futon.

Ace's blood went cold. The mention of a kid and of Garp had been enough to worry him, but now he knew what was coming and he didn't want to see. He didn't want to face it but the whole of Dadan's group couldn't keep him away from getting to that futon even if they had the mind to try. He pushed his way through, ignoring the murmurs of "who the hell's the kid?"

By the time he got to the futon he knew all eyes were on him. Men were growling, knives were drawn, but Ace only had eyes for the broken boy before him.

Luffy looked small. So, so much smaller that his seven years. When the bandits switched out the makeshift bandages for fresh ones Ace saw the true horror of Luffy's condition.

His chest was… Luffy's chest was… ribbons. That's what it looked like, Ace realized. Torn to ribbons was the expression, wasn't it? Shallow pools of blood rose above the cloths compressing them. It wasn't stopping. The bleeding wasn't going to stop.

Ace fought against the hands that pulled at his shoulders until he was kneeling beside his little brother. His vision was blurry and his eyes were stinging. He brought a shaky hand up and found Luffy's hand. It was so cold.

"Luffy" Ace rasped, hardly hearing himself.

The boys eyes fluttered. They opened. They met Ace's gaze.

There was no recognition there. None of the relief that always showed clear in Luffy's eyes when Ace showed up. But, despite his condition, despite the wet, labored breathing and cold, clammy skin, there was curiosity in those big brown eyes. Ace could almost hear the questions in Luffy's head.

Who are you? Want to be friends?

"It's OK, Lu," Ace soothed, using Sabo's nickname for him, knowing Luffy liked having a special name just his brother uses.

"It'll be ok, so… please… please don't die… " The way Luffy smiles at his words made Ace wish he could say more, but he couldn't. He couldn't push the words past the sobs.

He couldn't lose his little brother. Not in this senseless way. He didn't need to hear the story Dogra somberly tells of a curious, untamable boy who refused to stay out of the woods. All he needed to hear was the word "tiger" and the whole of the story unfolded in his own imagination. Ace and Sabo weren't around to keep Luffy out of trouble. His little brother's luck had run short, and Ace hadn't been there.

He'd left to protect them. None of this should have happened. They were supposed to be safe, goddamnit!

Time seemed to freeze around him until Luffy's hand is pulled out of his own. He felt the sheet rub against the top of his hand on its way by. Ace looked up in time to catch a glance of Luffy's pale face before the sheet covered him completely.

He didn't speak to the bandit who escorted him down the mountain. Ace is brought to the edge of a village and left alone. He thinks this must be Luffy's village. The bandits must have assumed that Ace was from here,too. That Luffy was his childhood friend.

Ace stays there for a long time. He know this because the sky brightens with the light of dawn and the sound of the village waking up fills the cool morning air.

He is still there when Makino finds him. She bends to his level until her kind face fills his vision. She's asking him questions. She's checking him over in concern. She mentions Luffy, but Ace didn't hear what came before.

The next thing he's aware of is sitting in the corner of the bar with a heavy blanket wrapped over his shoulders and a glass of water at his feet. Makino is speaking with a well-dressed man. Shock, he's telling her.

Shock. Is that what this numbness is? If so, he hopes it's permanent, because he doesn't want to face what lies beyond this. He isn't strong enough.

A cup is pressed to his lips. Warm liquid of an unfamiliar flavor fills his mouth. For a long time he stares ahead. Then his eyelids weight as much as anchors. They fall and he sleeps.

"Ace! "

His name again. That voice…

"Hey! Stop messing around and wake up!"

Ace struggles to blink. When he does the world isn't in focus, but he gathers that it's night.

"He's waking up! Ace!"

That voice… he didn't think he'd ever hear it again.

"Luffy? Sabo?" his whisper is lost in the sounds of shuffling bodies and Luffy's endless questions.

Strong arms prop him up until his cheek lands against a head of curly blond hair. He didn't realize how cold his body was until he was pressed against Sabo's back. His mind races, trying to put together the fragment pieces of the last day. His eyes crack open enough to catch sight of their surroundings. He's at the mud-pit, except the gound looks solid beneath Sabo's boots. His eyes dart around, searching the dark for the glow of hungry yellow eyes. But he knows the gator isn't here. He feels it.

"Man he's heavy!" Sabo groans, taking a moment to shift Ace's weight.

"Why was Ace sleeping in the woods at night? It's really cold!"

Ace knew Luffy was asking him this question but Sabo answered for him with a shrug.

"Dunno. I guess it's a good thing you woke me up to go looking for him, though. I don't think even Ace would survive a night in this temperature. Stubborn idiot." Sabo huffed, already tired of carrying Ace's weight.

Ace's heart swelled with pure relief. Sabo remembered him. Sabo was free and Luffy was alive.

Ace listened to his brothers talk the whole walk to Dadan's. Ace kept his eyes shut and soaked it all in. He clung to Sabo's back half-afraid that letting go would jolt him back to a totally different reality. One where he was alone again. Unloved and unwanted again.

What he'd experienced in the woods wasn't a dream. He didn't know what it was, but it definitely wasn't a dream. He felt it in his bones. He knew it in his heart. He could still picture the gator clear as day. He could taste the mud and smell the blood and he knew exactly how cold the air felt as he watch Sabo turn him back to him. He knew it wasn't a dream just as sure as he knew the sun was hot.

Was it good that I was born?

He heard Luffy's laughter from up ahead. He felt Sabo's warmth.

Is it good that I'm their brother?

Ace's eyes stung, but he fought it back. He'd had enough crying for the rest of his lifetime in just this one night. He tucked his head into his brother's back and hid a small smile. They were okay because he was born. They were happy because he was their brother. Whatever the future held, whatever danger and difficulties lay ahead, he could hold onto that thought. If only for a while, until the memory started to fade and doubts slowly resurfaced. For now it could be enough.

"And it's better when I'm here? "

"Of course!"

Merry Christmas to MtColubo! This is my entry for Tumblr's #OnePieceSecretSanta2018 event. I hope you enjoyed it!