So, this was completely written in fun and not meant to be taken seriously in the least, just so you know. Anyways, a couple days ago (maybe a week?) there was a submission on tumblr for something called DragonAgeOffensiveConfessions (check them out since they are actually a lot friendlier and more personable than their name implies), and the submission was about Loghain's treachery at Ostagar. The submission mockingly asked if Loghain blamed the Grey Wardens for Ostagar because the Wardens brought lamb chops for dinner at the camp other than the steaks they were supposed to bring, and naturally I had to write out the scenario.

Like I just mentioned, this was written in complete jest, so just take it with a smile I say! There's little else more worth doing than that, my friends.

Quote of the day:

"Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger when he is starving. Yet if he is caught, he must pay sevenfold, though it costs him all the wealth of his house."

— The Bible (New International Version), Proverbs 6:30-31

Loghain sighed as he leaned back on the mattress in his tent, and the Teyrn frowned when his stomach growled, not having had either breakfast or lunch earlier in the day.

The battles against the darkspawn at Ostagar had been going surprisingly well considering Cailan's overall stupidity, and that in particular was reason alone as to why the Teyrn thought that he at least deserved a snack as a reward or something for being the amazing general and strategist that he was. He was the only reason that the Ferelden army was still alive, and had Cailan been the one coming up with the plans, the whole country itself would have fallen to a single adorably chubby little genlock. It wasn't to say that Cailan was completely useless, in fact the King had even brought with him from Denerim a sword of legend that Maric once wielded, forged to be a blade that could kill even the mightiest of the darkspawn. It was a blade that had helped them tremendously in battle...or at least it would have been if Cailan didn't keep forgetting to grab it from the royal arms chest before their battles.

Loghain groaned as he rolled around on his mattress, full battle gear on because apparently that was how people went to sleep in Ferelden, clutching at his stomach all the while. At least when he was younger and going hungry he could blame the Orlesians for subjugating the Fereldan people by taking away their food and crops. But now? He could only blame the Grey Wardens who had finished devouring all the food that the Elven servants had prepared for breakfast and lunch before Loghain had a chance to eat anything. The one and only thing that he could be thankful for that day so far was the fact that according to menus that were written up and passed around the camp, that the Warden-commander Duncan was supposed to bring with him a contingent of delicious steaks for the Elves to cook on his way back from gathering his last recruit.

Though, the Teyrn couldn't help but have reservations of even that. Cailan trusted those Grey Wardens too much, Loghain thought, the King of Ferelden being too much like a boy living in the fanciful world of adventure stories. It wouldn't have been too bad if Cailan just had the Wardens do the things they were supposed to, like, well, kill the darkspawn and what not, but the idiot was starting to rely on them for far too much. Loghain could handle Cailan inviting the Wardens to fight alongside Ferelden's forces at Ostagar, he could even begrudgingly understand the secrecy that Duncan insisted on having for his men, but the moment that Cailan had gone to him just a few days ago with the brilliant idea of becoming a bona fide Grey Warden? That was a line that Loghain refused to cross.

The man continued to groan, the grumbling of his stomach becoming louder by the minute, and he only sat up when the guard to his tent peered his head through the entrance flaps. "Teyrn Loghain? There are some people here to see you."

As he stood up, his stomach growled again, and Loghain just shook his head and sighed in annoyance. "Is it anyone with food? Maker, please let it be someone with food."

"I don't know," the guard replied after a moment, "at first I said that they couldn't see you, but then I immediately relented when one of them asked again."

Loghain rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You're the worst guard ever." he shook his head once more, "How did you become one again?"

The two of them shared an awkward silence before the guard answered him. "King Cailan hired me."

The Teyrn nodded, Cailan being enough of an explanation for his guard's incompetence. "Yeah, that makes sense."

A moment later, the Teyrn ignored the emptiness in his stomach long enough to leave his tent and see who it was exactly that wanted to talk to him. He grunted when he saw that it was just a pair of nobodies; the first looking like one of Maric's many many bastards, and the other being a person of unspecified gender, race, and tragic back story. He glanced around the camp as if searching for something, and his gaze remained fixated in the direction of the dog kennels for a moment. Maybe nobody would notice he took just one mabari crunch treat?

"What do you want?" Loghain snapped at his two visitors after a minute or so of neither of them saying anything.

"We're Grey Wardens!" the Warden who wasn't Maric's bastard announced, putting their hands on their hips and grinning all the while. "And I'm introducing us to the like three important people who are around the camp. This is Alistair, and he was a Templar before being recruited. I myself am not a full Warden yet, but I can assure you that I have a very tragic and angst filled back story. My name is-"

"I don't care." Loghain cut off the Warden recruit, before peering around again to see if there was any food that those Grey pigs hadn't devoured yet. "Unless you say that you were recruited by Duncan and that you're back here with the food, I don't want to hear your life story."

The Warden of unspecified gender and origin just grinned even more, happy to be of service. "Duncan did recruit me though! The food is already being cooked on the other side of the camp."

Loghain's eyes finally brightened, the monster in his stomach finally close to being fed, and he almost embraced the two Wardens standing in front of him with all the love he could ever muster. "Truly? The food is here?" Loghain smiled for the first time, well, ever. "I can't wait to get me one of those delicious steaks!"

"Eh," the Warden recruit rubbed the back of their neck in awkwardness, "we don't have any steaks."

Loghain's face fell, tears in his eyes. "What?"

The recruit just shrugged, clearly not being someone who ever wanted to challenge his superior officers. "Duncan changed his mind about getting everyone steaks, and settled on lamb chops instead. He says lamb chops are good for killing darkspawn, but I'm not so sure about that myself. I honestly think he was just too cheap to spring for beef, considering that he is Rivaini after all."

"Lamb chops make me gassy." Loghain tried arguing in vain, already knowing that it was too late to change anything.

"Sucks, bro." the recruit answered with another shrug, before literally skipping off towards a different part of camp, Alistair in tow.

Loghain stared blankly on ahead, not knowing what he was going to do for dinner since lamb chops were out of the question due to his history with them. He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the darkest time in his life.

"You gotta shut up, bro." a young Prince Maric reprimanded his best friend and fellow revolutionary, Loghain, as the two of them were trying to hide from Orlesian soldiers in the nighttime shadows of one of the alleyways of the city. "They're gonna catch us if you don't be quiet."

"I can't control it," a young Loghain apologized as he farted again, "I had lamb chops for dinner, and it's really taking it's toll on me."

"Halt!" one of two Orlesian soldiers shouted as they finally cornered the most dangerous pair of rebels in the entire country, "we have you red-handed!"

The Orlesian who shouted lifted up his spear and prepared to strike out at Prince Maric to end the Theirin line once and for all, before the soldier paused and sniffed the air, frowning at something that he wasn't exactly sure about. "Did...did something die in here?"

"Loghain ate lamb chops." Maric replied with a nod of his head, "I'm sure he's going to soil himself any moment now."

The other Orlesian soldier frowned, definitely not being too intent on having to handle anything that gave off the kind of smell they were currently experiencing. "If that's the case, you're free to go. Just have your man take a bath or something."

"Seriously?" Loghain and Maric spoke at the same time as each of them arched their eyebrows, Orlesians not exactly being known for their mercy.

As one of the Orlesians opened his mouth to speak, he shut up as Loghain let out more flatulence. This time it was Maric who sniffed the air, and his eyes widened as he gaped in horror at something he just realized. "Did you just-" Maric tried asking before Loghain lifted a hand up, interrupting his Prince.

"Yes." Loghain replied, before he slowly and carefully made his way out of the alley and to where they were supposed to be hiding out that night, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go change my underwear."

Loghain shuddered at the memory of the brutality of the Orlesian occupation, and he probably would have gone back inside the tent to try to forget that he was hungry and instead put that strife to trying to find a victory plan instead, but it was at that moment that two of Duncan's other recruits walked right by his tent, each of them carrying a plate with steaks on them. He grumbled and narrowed his eyes at the pair, Loghain finally realizing how treacherous the Wardens were, knowing that the bastard Duncan wanted to hoard all the steaks for his men and himself, forcing everyone else to eat lamb chops. His stomach growled one final time as he came to a decision:

The Grey Wardens would die at Ostagar.

Don't mind the jabs at Cailan, considering that there are some instances where it proves that Cailan may be a bit more cunning and subtle than others give him credit for. The one thing I never really understood about him though is why does he bring Maric's sword capable of melting darkspawn flesh with him to Ostagar, and then the dude leaves it in the Royal Arms Chest. I get it from a gameplay situation, but story-wise it's kind of...dumb.

Anyways, be sure you don't forget to check out that tumblr page I mentioned earlier, and follow them if you like what they post. I'm sure I'm going to be doing more of the same right here with other stuff I see posted. In fact, I already have an idea for something else.

May the dread wolf never catch your scent.