Disclamier: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No money is being made from this work.

Summary: A sort-of prequel to "The Courage To Walk Away". Pretend that they tried to make things work a few times before the events of "The Courage To Walk Away" occurred.

AN: A huge thank you to joywriter for helping me fix all those interesting errors and impossiblities within the story.

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned…

Excerpt from "The Mourning Bride" by William Congreve

Kathryn struggled to open her lids, every inch of her body a mass of bruises, aches and pains. She hissed loudly as she attempted to shift her leg, only stiffen as it brought forth a wave of agonizing pain. Kathryn panted as she fought to bring the pain under control. She felt as if she had gone ten rounds with a Hirogen hunter and had been pounded into the mat repeatedly. Even when she had taken the Starfleet survival training course, the physically demanding exercise had brought her less injuries than what she currently felt race through her body.

At last, she managed to half open her lids and carefully looked around her. In the two bio-beds next to her, lay Tuvok and B'Elanna, sleeping deeply. Kathryn looked over them intently, seeing the grimaces and tension evident on their faces as they twisted and turned, seeking to escape the mission that followed them into their dreams. She let out a breath that she had not realized that she had been holding, relieved that they had all made it back safely to Voyager, even though they were a little worse for wear.

Tuvok drew her attention once more as she heard his low murmur, his words were muted and broken, only to fall silent again. Of the three of them, he had been the one most affected by the Borg Collective. Kathryn remembered how he fought the pull of the Collective; the longing in his eyes as he recited his daughter's and wife's name. He had fought their barrage, millions of minds battering against his defences until they crumbled under the onslaught. The Queen's smugness over his capitulation still evident from when Kathryn had been broadcasted to her private chambers, everything in her words and taunts a message to Kathryn that Tuvok would be the first to fall to the hive's mind but soon, all of Voyager would fall beneath the Collective's will.

Kathryn knew what the Queen wanted and she was determined not to give in. Both consequences were unacceptable in her eyes. There was no way that Kathryn would allow the Queen to destroying her. Nor would she break through the compound that the Doctor had created and adding Voyager's Captain to her rank of drones. She had had confidence in her crew, they would rescue the away team before they lost them to the hive.

Kathryn cried out as her lower back seized, she bit her lip, leaving it raw and swollen. Tears shone in her eyes as the pain reached an unbearable crescendo. Seven had warned her that the assimilation process would suppress the human immune system, the nanaprobes were designed to infiltrate the body and dampen the personality, emotions and pain centres of each drone. The Collective was concerned with perfection, anything that drew attention to when they were a lesser beings had to be destroyed and replaced with machinery. What Seven had failed to mention, perhaps in a very human streak and to also illustrate the hell that Kathryn had put her through when she forced individuality on her, was how painful the return to humanity would be.

"Captain," the Doctor hurried forward once the monitors had alerted him to her awakened status. He began to run a tricoder over her and muttered under his breath about the crazy actions of Voyager's Captain.

Off she went, on what appeared to be a suicide mission, rushing blindly forward to deal a blow to the Borg Collective; not once thinking that her crew would refuse to let her proceed without them. She not only endangered herself, but the rest of the crew as well. He admired her and her compassion but an ancient Earth term came to mind with some of her actions, failing to see the forest from the trees. She would fight for them and her crew felt the same for her, himself included, but there were times when her desire to get them home with the least amount of battles could only lead them to face unforeseen consequences that would change the moral of the crew. Her actions this week would come at an expensive price, in his mind too high and one that he would never wish upon anyone.

"How are you feeling?"

Kathryn shot him a look but managed to bit her tongue against any harsh words that might have erupted from her as the pain gnawed at her, eroding away the diplomatic way she would have normally used with him.

"Stiff and everything is sore," Kathryn replied, her voice huskily and scratchy from ill use. "How are Tuvok and B'Elanna?"

"They will be fine, eventually." Doctor answered, the reprimand clear in his voice. "B'Elanna has already shown signs of recuperating from this experience. I have removed her vocal processor and the Borg armour but it will be a few days before she is ready to return to duty."

Relief soared through her at his words.

The Doctor paused and frowned at the readings as they concentrated over her lower body, "Tuvok will need a little more medical attention, as the Borg shattered through the mental barriers he had erected through out his life. He will need to reattach the severed threads of his conscious and bring them to order. I suspect that he will need to go into seclusion to fully process what happened to him while on the cube. There is also the matter that he will recall that he had betrayed you. Regardless of how you feel about it, Captain. Tuvok will see his capitulation to the Collective as a betrayal to Voyager and her Captain. The Borg used his security codes to break through our shields. I can only speculate as to when he will be ready for active duty."

"But they will recover?" Kathryn asked, biting her lip in an effort to dull the pain coursing through her body. Unconsciously, her arm wrapped about her middle, holding tight against the constant wave of pain.

"Yes, but I should warn you, Captain, they will always have this experience with them. I have removed all the Borg additions that I could, but like Seven, some will have to remain. There will always be a little bit Borg left from the assimilation, even if I have suppressed it. All of you will have nanoprobes within you. They have integrated with your immune systems and I could not remove them without causing irrevocable harm."

She had failed to anticipate this. In her mind, the Doctor would have been able to turn back the clock, reverting them back to their former appearance and status. The compounded had been designed to protect their minds from the Queen's invasion but their body had been compromised. Had that thought occur to either of her crew before they'd volunteered to be at her side? Thinking back, she recalled the look in Tuvok's dark eyes as he' added his voice to B'Elanna's refuse to let her go without him. He knew and yet, he still had allowed himself to be put in that position. The idea of striking a blow for freedom had been heady until the realization of what she had done to them was forced upon her by the Doctor's words.

"Any other injuries?"

He turned briefly away from her, sorrow radiating from him, "I do have something else that I need to inform you of, Captain, in regards to your health. But now is not the right time." The Doctor admitted grimly.

"What is it, Doctor?" Kathryn ordered, seeing the reluctance that stiffened his body as he looked everywhere, but her, to avoid meeting her gaze. She braced herself, her fingers knotting and twisting the blue fabric of the sheet covering her. Kathryn gestured for him to go on, her senses screaming at her. "Just tell me."

"When the Borg assimilated you, the Queen must have ordered that they concentrate on you a little more than B'Elanna, as my readings of her have not shown the discrepancy that I have found in yours," the Doctor replied quietly, resting his hands over hers; giving her succour as he broke the news to her. "They performed a hysterectomy and bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy,"

"What?" Kathryn felt light headed, her blood turned to ice in her veins and she lowered a trembling hand over where her womb should have been.

"They removed your uterus and all the necessary organs needed in order for you to bear a child," the Doctor explained, silently preparing himself for what was to come.

The Doctor continued on, his tone gentle but Kathryn failed to hear another word he said. Her breathing grew ragged and quickened as the seconds passed. The Queen had won a victory against her. Kathryn had dared to steal her children from her and the Queen had taken away Kathryn's right to bear children.

Ever since their relationship had begun, Chakotay and her had discussed the possibility of her having children while still in the Delta Quadrant. Given their circumstances, Kathryn had felt that it wouldn't be fair to their child, given how much the ship and crew demanded her attention. Chakotay was willing to wait until she was ready and with all the advances in the medical community, a woman in their fifties to early sixties were still able to conceive. Even if she would've asked him to wait until they reached home before trying to have a child, they would still have a chance but now, that was gone. All those times she had dreamed of a little boy with Chakotay's dark hair and chocolate brown eyes, reaching up to her and calling her mummy. His little arms wrapped around her to love him; were gone. Kathryn had lost him before he even had a chance to live. A shudder raced through her and a sob tore from her, she curled into a ball, ignoring the pain of her body as her the ache in her heart overwhelmed her. She had taken Chakotay's child away from them.

"Captain?" The Doctor shook touched her shoulder to no avail, Kathryn didn't respond to his presences. The Captain had descended into shock, her blood pressure dropping at an alarming rate. The monitor emitted high pitched beeps, growing in volume as the Captain's vital signs dropped further at the blow that the Doctor had given her. "Doctor to Commander Chakotay! Report to Sickbay immediately," the Doctor called out frantically.

The Doctor gathered a hypospray and injected her, the mild sedative forcing her to go to sleep soon. She barely acknowledged his presences beside her, she had retreated in her own world where her failure would be flung at her constantly. Her guilt would beat at her until she was so brittle that she would shatter from the weight that she had to carry.

The doors opened and Chakotay rushed in. He took in the sight of his lover and he moved swiftly to her side. Kathryn was still awake but her weak cries filled the Sickbay, the mournful sound reverberating within the grey walls, as if her spirit had been mortally wounded. He glared at the Doctor as he passed by, suspecting him to be the cause of her pain. The protective feelings that he normally kept at bay to avoid Kathryn's teasing, rose and took over at seeing her so defenceless. He tried to pull her into his embrace only to feel her arms pushing him away weakly. Her cries were wrenching through him; each word that she uttered felt like a blade that plunged through his heart. She refused his comfort, instead drawing herself away further, her arms wrapped around herself as if to maintain her small hold on her reality.

"What the hell did you do to her?" Chakotay snarled turning, fists clenched and ready to tear The Doctor into a million pieces as he stood quietly on the other side of Kathryn's bio bed.

"She demanded the truth," The Doctor said softly," I told her everything, even things that I did not mention to you."

"Did you know that she would react this way? Did you not think that someone should have been here for her before you imparted the 'truth' that you felt she had to know after just waking up from damn mission?" Chakotay demanded, pacing back and forth.

"Commander, I understand you are upset at my actions but this is not helping matters," the Doctor gestured to their stand on opposite sides.

Chakotay took a calming breath, he needed to keep a cool head for Kathryn's sake. There was no way that she would feel comfortable in these surrounds, he needed to get her moved to their quarters. "Can she be moved?" He asked coolly, daring the Doctor to deny his unspoken order.

"I wouldn't recommend it, but if we do a site to site transport, I will allow you to take her for a few hours," the Doctor conceded. In the state that the Captain was in, sickbay would only aggravate her. Also if she was staring at the still bodies of Tuvok and B'Elanna; who knew what it would drive her to. "Make sure that she's back by 08:00, she's due for another treatment then. She should start to drift to sleep as soon as the hypospray kicks in."

"Understood," Chakotay replied tersely, teeth clenched as the Doctor spoke.

Kathryn's cries lessened, Chakotay placed his hand on her back, expecting her to flinch away. His heart lightening as she leaned into his gentle touch.

The Doctor turned away only to stop as Chakotay's low voice called out to him.

"Doctor, you were very vocal about this mission. Questioning whether we had a right to take the crew into this, questioning her. She never knew but I heard it." Chakotay said without looking at him, he missed the Doctor looking down at the floor, shame flooding him, "Was it worth it?"

"No, and if I could have stopped this mission before, I would have." The Doctor's response convened the depth of his feelings. "Nothing is worth what was done the Captain."

Chakotay nodded and tapped his comm badge, "Ensign Kim, transport myself and the Captain to our quarters."

"Aye, Sir

The Doctor watched silently as they transported out of sickbay. He looked at his remaining patients still asleep, thanks to the heavy dosages of medication that they were on, glad that they had slept through the events of the last few minutes. In the silence of sickbay, in the dim lights, the Doctor's had nothing to distract him.

For the first time in Voyager's almost seven years in the Delta Quadrant, something had shattered through the Captain's defences, had taken away all the poise and caring, only to leave a hurt woman behind. After all the countless battles, enemy fires, betrayals and struggles to survive, all it had taken was the careless words of one of her senior crew, someone that she had trusted.

When they arrived in their quarters Kathryn had fallen into an uneasy sleep. Chakotay lay in bed with Kathryn draped over him, her hands had grabbed hold of his clothing and refused to set him free. Her tiny body shuddered with each breath she took and every few minutes a distressed whimper would escape her as she slept. He tenderly brushed the tears aside that had flown down her cheeks and had changed her gown, as the other had become drenched in her flood of tears. He ran his hand soothingly over her, brushing through her hair, watching the strands flow through his fingers to rest on her face.

He still did not know what had happened down in Sickbay, as for once the Doctor was refusing to budge. Chakotay was forced to wait until Kathryn woke up to get the answers he sought, leaving him unprepared to deal with the situation. All he could do until she let him in was to hold her and whisper that everything would be alright.

But everything wasn't alright. Kathryn had completely collapsed. Never in their journey had he seen Kathryn reduced to the shell that he had seen in Sickbay. Even during those weeks through the Void. With the isolation that she had enforced upon herself, she had still allowed herself a small measure of support from him. Whatever the Doctor had told her, had caused her to pull away, hiding way from the reality of her world. In that curled up body was no sign of the strong, feisty woman that had stood up to him on their first meeting. If the crew could see how small and helpless she looked, that like them she had feelings and fears that she hid from them. She was larger than life to the crew and the shock of seeing their Captain as human, would send a rumble of emotions coursing through the ship.

Softly he whispered a story of his people to her, his deep voice soothing her in its cadenza. His arms tightening around her, he talked for what seemed like hours. His voice became slightly hoarse but he talked on. He repeated the angry warrior tale, reminding her that she was his woman warrior, brave and beautiful. That only she brought him peace, even if it was tempered at times by her maddening logic. Reminding her of their promises to grow old together, raise of family and do nothing but wake in each others arms every morning for the rest of their days.

He drew the covers over the both of them and pressed a tender kiss on her head, his eyes closing and his breathing deepened, he fell asleep; holding her safely in his embrace and keeping the demons at bay.

Chakotay woke to the sound of Kathryn's pleas. His grip tightened around her, offering her comfort as she twisted and turned in his embrace.

"Hmm… no… sor…" Kathryn mumbled, tears welled beneath her closed lids and fell unto Chakotay's chest.

"Shh, Kathryn. I'm here. Everything will be alright, nuttah," Chakotay soothed her, his voice melodic and deep.

Kathryn turned further into his embrace, melting into him, her hands clinging to his broad shoulders, tightening as she felt him shift beneath her. Calming when she felt him cuddle her close. He felt her stiffen as she woke.

"Kathryn, talk to me. What happened? Do not hide from me, from us. I am here, tell me what is wrong," Chakotay pleaded, his voice breaking as he felt her retreat from him.

"You won't be, once I have told you what the Doctor revealed to me," Kathryn whispered, unable to met his gaze; the knowledge that her actions had destroyed their future, preying upon her.

"The Doctor should have waited. You had enough to deal with," Chakotay muttered, cursing the Doctor again for giving into her demands.

"They did something, something that will make you hate me," Kathryn pulled away, sitting up and looking out at the star field passing by, she ignored the feeling of loss as she moved away from him. She had better get used to the loneliness, there was no way that Chakotay would accept what had happened.

Ever since their first encounter that brought Seven into their crew, he had warned her of the dangers of going against the Borg Collective. He had cautioned her before going into Uni'Matrix Zero, reminding her not to underestimate them just because of the stagnation that ran rampant throughout the Collective. They thought as one and she was their number prize, the one that got away. Chakotay had been adamant that the Collective was waiting to get her within their clutches and recoup their losses from the war with Species 8472.

He had been right. They had seized their chance and even if the away team were to escape, the Borg had already scored a win blow against the upstart Captain.

"It's my fault," Kathryn started, breathing deeply trying to say the words, when she continued her voice held a tremble, "When we were in the cube. They separated us, the last thing I remember before I passed out was seeing B'Elanna and Tuvok being taken to another area. When I woke up, I was in the full armour. Every part of me was aching and uncomfortable."

Chakotay rose and walked until he was standing before her, he knelt at her feet and forced her to met his dark eyes. Love and understanding, laced with fear at her recollection of her time away from Voyager, were mirrored in them. Something dark began to twist and turn as Kathryn refused to meet his gaze, her posture taking on a guilty slump, almost cringing away from him.

There was no easy way to break the news to him, no way to dull the pain that her words would bring him. They caught in the lump that formed in her throat, refused to be uttered. She didn't want to take away one of the dreams that Chakotay had had for so very long. Her hand covered his, drawing on his strength but scared of losing it.

"They took-" Kathryn's voice cracked, "We.. I- I can not give you children."

"No…" Chakotay shook his head at her words, denying their existence even as they seared a path to his heart, his hands gripped her hard, "No, tell me this is the Doctor's idea of a joke!"

Kathryn sobbed at the grief reflected at her, the pain that his hands on her flesh easing the ache in her heart. "I'm sorry… please, Chakotay. Please forgive me… please… please." She pleaded with him. "I never thought that they would do this!"

He pulled away agitated, running a hand through his short black hair as he paced before her.

Anger swept through him, a raging inferno that gathered more and more energy as his thoughts spun out of control. He was barely aware of her presence in the room, his thoughts racing over every conversation that they had had regarding Kathryn having children. She had always said that she wanted a child with him but something always held her back. Her eyes would shift way from his when they broached the subject. Now, it seemed that the Borg had taken the decision out of her hands. He would never speak of it again, maybe this is what she hoped would happen.

"Did you know?" Chakotay roared, as he suddenly remembered everything that she had gone through to bring Seven's into the Voyager fold. The hours that she had spent discussing Seven's medical condition and special needs. Surely, if this was common practice, the Doctor would have made the Captain aware, especially in the early days where Seven's choices were being monitored by Kathryn. "Damn it, Kathryn. Answer me! Did you know?"

"No, please believe me," Kathryn cried out, watching back away from her.

Conversations that lay in the past twisted until they were in bare semblance to the original as his mind was swept up in a vortex of illusions. What was the truth? He met those blue eyes and saw a hint of guilt simmering within. His mind twisted what he'd seen until only hurtful delusions remained.

"You knew this was a possibility and you still went," Chakotay hissed, lifting her up and ignoring her gasp of pain as he shook her. He was beyond reason and caring. His heart hardened to her cries and pleas. She had never wanted their relationship, she had lead him around, throwing crumbles of affection at him until he followed her every step faithfully, eager for a sliver of her false devotion. She had used him to keep the crew in line, he had meant nothing to her. Her pretty words over the years were naught but to keep him tethered to her side. A fool always searching for the meagre crumbs that she would toss his way.

Disgusted, he threw her away from him, watching dispassionately as she fell, her movement stopped when she impacted with the side of their bed, to lie crumbled on the floor before him.

"It's over, Captain," Chakotay informed her coldly. "I'll remove my things later."

When you are not around… Hung unspoken in the air between them.

"NO! Damn it, Chakotay! I never meant-" Kathryn screamed at him. He was going to walk away from them.

He laughed bitterly, "That's right, you never meant to. How many more lies did you tell me? Were your words of love just more of your lies to fool the Maquis idiot? Did you whore yourself to me just as a means to keep the unsavoury elements of my crew in line?"

Kathryn heard his words, feeling each one strike a blow against her soul, everything within her wanted to jump up and smack away that cold, sneering voice and cruel twisting smile that had appeared on her lover's face. She tried to move, only to let out a loud whimper at the throbbing wave of pain that reverberate throughout her body. She could only lay helplessly at her feet, unable to move, unable to breath, bearing the scorn he reaped upon her.

He sneered down at her, his eyes dark and cold, while she glared up at him with angry, hurt filled eyes.

"Get out," Kathryn ordered in a low hiss, her hands knotted to prevent herself from attempting to attack him again.

"Aye, aye Captain," he replied and without another word, he left her.

She watched his departure, not bothering to call out to him again. Nothing she would say would break through what he had made up his mind to believe in. The man that she had fallen in love with was gone and in his place was a stranger, one that despised her for the crimes he thought she had committed.

She lie by the edge of the bed, her teeth chattering and hands trembling. On the bed side table abovr her, in a silver frame was a picture of them together. It had been taken a few months ago at their six month anniversary. Their arms were linked around each other and both of them were smiling at each other. She looked at the image and felt nothing but emptiness. With his words to her, Chakotay had pulled at the happiness or joy that had been a constant companions since they had become more than friends, leaving only the shame and guilt of her recent actions behind.

Ignoring her injuries, she reached up and knocked the frame down towards her, the smiling faces seemed to mock her. Taunting her with what she have had but had lost. Angrily, she threw it from her, wachting as it shattered against the bulkhead. The glass broken it rained down onto the grey carpeting to lie broken on its face, the picture hidden from view.

Kathryn curled up in a ball, pain swelling anew. Only the pain in her heart, was a thousand times worse than any torture anyone could have inflicted on her body. She was alone, nothing to distract her mind from playing the scene over in her mind.

She had played the game, thinking that she held all the aces, only to be trumped. She may have freed the people of Unimatrix's Zero, but in the end, she had lost everything.

The End