Mnemophobia
A novel by BeautyLoonyKeeper Chapter One I'm Your AngelMnemophobia. You might not know what that means. I wouldn't be surprised. How many people walk around saying, "Oh, what's wrong with me? I've got Mnemophobia. Oh, you don't know what that is? Well, it's the fear of memories. Yep, that's what I got." Sounds pathetic, right? Well, believe me, I know it does. I'm sure that everyone fears one memory but I fear almost all of mine. My life has been nothing but bad choice after bad choice and I'm just now beginning to pick up the pieces.
* * *
As a seventeen-year-old American witch, I've had more problems than any normal seventeen-year-old witch. I'm talking about an American girl stuck in England with a two-year-old daughter. Yeah, I know that sounds really bad and I take full responsibility for me being a complete idiot and I will be the first to admit that I am probably the luckiest unlucky girl alive.
I'll tell you why that statement makes sense.
I am a girl who got pregnant at fifteen and had a daughter, much to the rage of my British father. I had to deal with the whispers and mutterings at school and worry about caring for a child while having to put up with my father promptly disowning me and leaving me to die in the streets with my five week old baby, Olivia.
It was just plain luck that I found out that my British grandmother lived not three miles from my father's house and that she was willing to take me in. She understood when I said that it was an accident to do what I did at such a young age and that my daughter was the outcome but I swore to my grandmother that I would never, ever tell my daughter that she was a mistake.
My parents had been married five years when I was born. My mother, Penelope Walker, was an American witch while my father was a well-known Auror working in the Ministry of Magic. I don't know why most American-British marriages don't work out but my parent's marriage wasn't an exception. My father didn't want a child at all and decided that if my mother wouldn't give me up to an orphanage, then she wasn't worth taking care of.
My mother went to my father's mother, who was extremely fond of her, and she took my mother in when I was a few days old. However, my mother died of the flu a few weeks later. My father did not attend the funeral. Surprise, surprise.
I am in much wonder, even to this day, why my grandmother did not disown her son when he did such a thing. However, my dad did take me back when I was a year old and raised me as his daughter, like he should have done in the first place. But when I got pregnant at fifteen, he was so enraged that he sent me packing and onto the streets, claiming that no daughter of his would give him a bad reputation for her mistakes.
Truth to tell, it was a mistake to throw me out because word got out that I was pregnant and that my father had thrown me onto the streets because of, my father became scorned at work for not taking care of his daughter and granddaughter. Well, I'm glad he got what he deserved because I was at my father's mom's place only three days when my dad came looking for me, begging me to come back.
I had shouted at him a lot that day and my grandmother Ellie did nothing to stop me and she threw him out of the house after fifteen minutes of his presence and I haven't talked to him since. He does send a nice amount of gold every Christmas but I put it towards my daughter's Hogwarts fund. I didn't want Ellie doing everything for me.
You could say that I'm damn lucky to have such wonderful family except for my good-for-nothing father and you're right. Now, the only thing I have to put up with is making friends with everyone knowing that I have a daughter at home being taken care of by my grandmother. That is my most difficult hurdle: making friends and keeping them.
I blamed this solely on my dad. If he had taken care of my mom and me like he was supposed to in the first place, I might not be such a social reject—or a science experiment, as I like to think of it.
Ellie always tells me to keep a level head and not get grouchy. She said it wasn't a great attitude to walk around through life acting sorry for yourself. I agreed, and so I soon learned to ignore the whispers and comments cast towards me in the corridors. I always dreamed for a friendship with someone my own age, and I tried many times, but I guessed that no one wanted anything to do with me because everyone assumed that I was some American slut. It earned me a lot of wolf whistles from the male student population of Hogwarts, though.
It was difficult, come August, to tell Olivia that it was time for me to leave for school and that I wouldn't be back until Christmas. Olivia had just learned how to talk, to express her feelings, and she cried every single time my upcoming departure was mentioned.
What really tore me apart was that I would miss her third birthday, which was in November. I thought about asking Professor Dumbledore if I could use the Floo Network to spend a few hours at home for her birthday present. I was banking on his kindness and unbiased judgments to bend to my wish.
Much too soon, it was the last day of August, and Olivia began crying as seven o'clock came around and I had to begin packing. I spent twenty minutes in the living room trying to comfort her but she just continued to wail. I wasn't able to pack until she was fast asleep.
I went down into the kitchen where Ellie was sitting at the table reading the evening edition of the Daily Prophet. Ellie was extremely beautiful even though her face was lined with wrinkles and her hair was a startling white. She had slightly slanted blue eyes and a thin, sharp face. I had seen her in pictures that hung in the living room, where her hair had been a beautiful shade of brown and the color went well with her eyes.
She looked up at me over the top of the Prophet, and raised her delicate eyebrows in question.
"I finally coaxed Olivia into falling asleep," I said, pouring myself some coffee. I would need the caffeine in order to stay awake while packing, which I scolded myself for leaving to the last minute. Really, it was for Olivia's sake that I waited until midnight the day to leave until packing. At least I didn't have to get up until ten the next morning.
"I remember when I had your mother," Ellie said in her thick British accent that I always marveled at, "Every single time I left her sight she would start wailing like a baby banshee."
I smiled and settled down into the chair next to my grandmother, cupping my hands around my mug and looking at the wise, old face that was now scrutinizing an article in the paper. I simply looked at her, praying that I would look that beautiful when I hit my sixties. I didn't come out of my reverie until Ellie gasped in horror.
I started. "What?"
Ellie was staring down at the paper, which she had flattened out onto the table. I stared at her and then got up to stand behind her, so that I could look over her shoulder at the article her withered finger was pointing to:
Richard and Marilyn Potter Murdered
Three unknown Death Eaters that had attacked their home killed Richard and Marilyn Potter, both highly respected Aurors in the wizarding community, early this morning. Their son, James, a seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, was with them, found unconscious close by.
Healer Drought, who had inspected and treated James Potter, said on the matter of the boy's parent's deaths, "Something like this happening at such a young age will change him forever. It is a sad event that tears apart families and makes the wizarding community fight all the harder against evil such as You-Know-Who."
"Oh my God," I breathed, not bothering to read the rest before collapsing onto the chair I had recently abandoned. I have never actually met James Potter before, but he was the height of cool at Hogwarts, along with his three best mates, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. I had also heard of his parents, Richard and Marilyn, and was saddened by the loss their deaths created.
Ellie had tears in her eyes. She had been a personal friend of the deceased and I grasped the hand that she had on the table tightly. "They were amazing people," she said, her chest heaving. "And great parents to James. I can't believe they're gone. And James, the poor boy! He had been fighting with them. Thank heaven that he wasn't killed too!"
"Yes," I agreed, thanking the Gods that James hadn't been killed. Even if I had never met him, I knew from his reputation that he was top of the school at pretty much whatever he tried. It would have been a terrible loss to have all three of them gone.
Ellie took several deep breaths and steadied herself, wiping away the tears with an air of defiance. "Well," she said firmly, folding up the Prophet and tossing it to the other end of the table where it collided with the salt shaker with a thunk, "We should not cry over their deaths, but celebrate what great lives they led!"
I smiled faintly at the strength my grandmother exerted. I wondered if I would ever be as strong as she. I bet if I said that aloud, she would tell me to work at it and one day, I could achieve it.
"You're as hard as a rock, grandma," I stated as she stood up and walked over to the coffee pot.
She scoffed. "Hardly, dear girl, hardly." She said, shaking her head.
I sighed and shrugged. "Say what you like otherwise, but you can't hide from the truth." I said firmly, standing up as well.
Ellie chuckled as I kissed her cheek, said goodnight, and went upstairs, tiptoeing past Olivia's room and ducked into my own. My trunk stood waiting for me. I took a deep drink from my coffee mug and set it down on my bedside table, readying myself for the wonderful adventure I called packing.
* * *
It was three o'clock by the time I finished packing. Ellie had popped her head in on her way to bed to find my room covered with robes, books, notebooks, quills, inkpots, and other various objects that I had yet to pack. I had decided to do it manually since the noise of packing it magically would probably wake up Olivia.
At three thirty, I was completely finished, having double-checked that I had everything and I fell onto my bed, fully dressed, before falling asleep on top of my covers.
The sun seemed unusually bright a few hours later. It streamed in through my window and poured onto me, warming my entire body. I was quite tempted to go back to sleep but when I checked the clock, I saw that it was nearly ten and I had to eat breakfast.
My eyes felt like strained balloons as I got up and changed into the clothes I had set out a few hours earlier: jeans, a gray tank top, a rich purple cropped and holey tee shirt that had The Andromeda's printed in bright, square, silver letters. I was fairly content with what I wore, seeing as I had a daughter to raise, I didn't wear clothes of the sorts that revealed a lot of cleavage like most girls did these days.
Ellie and Olivia were making breakfast when I arrived. Olivia promptly threw herself at my knees and I had to grab the edge of the counter in order to stay upright. Her dark brown hair, so much like mine, was all that was visible as she sobbed onto my jeans.
"Olivia, mommy can't stand upright with you attached like that," I said kindly, swooping down to pick her up and balance her on my hip. I smiled at her and pressed my lips to her neck, blowing fiercely. The tears that had been threatening to spill over onto her porcelain cheeks disappeared in her giggles.
I laughed too and put her onto the floor again, ruffling her duck soft hair. I gave Ellie a kiss on the cheek and took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee, which I filled my mug with once more.
I settled down at the table with Olivia in my lap and picked up the morning Prophet that must have been delivered when I was asleep. A picture of the Minister of Magic, Millicent Bagnold, was featured this morning. I read the heading and snorted. "Bagnold is talking about retirement again," I said to Ellie over Olivia's head.
"Oh, that old coot has been going on about retirement for Merlin only knows how long," Ellie sniffed, scooping the scrambled eggs and bacon onto a plate and setting it in front of me.
"Thank you," I said, allowing Olivia to grab a piece of bacon off my plate—I made her chew it thoroughly before swallowing—and began to eat. Ellie really spoiled me too much. I would cook, if I trusted myself enough in the kitchen. It really didn't matter what I tried to cook, even if it was scrambled eggs, something always went awry and I would nearly blow up the house.
After breakfast, I went upstairs to get my trunk and bring it downstairs. Ellie and Olivia were standing in the entrance to the living room and when Olivia saw me with my trunk, she began to cry again.
I sighed, put my trunk near the door, and bent down to her eye level. Her brown eyes were clouded with tears and she had her finger in her mouth, a habit she had picked up. I put my hands on her waist and smiled kindly. "Now, listen to me, Olivia." I said. She sobbed a few more times and then seemed to get control of herself. "I'll be back at Christmas and that's not that a very long time!"
I didn't tell her that I would try to make arrangements to come on her birthday and I looked up to wink at Ellie.
"I—don't want—you to—go," Olivia said, her sentence breaking constantly with her sobs, which were in full flow again.
"I know," I said quietly, wiping her tears away with my fingers. "But this is my last year at school. I won't have to go back next September. Isn't that great?"
She didn't smile but nodded all the same. I picked her up and let her sob onto my neck. I patted her back a few times and held back the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. I was getting that worried, twisted feeling in my stomach and I remembered it from last year when I had to go to Hogwarts and leave Olivia here with Ellie.
I set her back down on her feet. She seemed more collected as I kissed her forehead. "You, young lady," I said firmly. "Be good for your grandma, got me?" She nodded, her finger back in her mouth. I tugged on her arm. "And keep that finger out of that muncher of yours."
I straightened to give Ellie a hug before grabbing my trunk and heading down the hallway and out the backdoor. I stopped on the porch and turned back to Ellie and Olivia. I looked straight into Olivia's tear filled brown eyes and said, "I love you. Be good, now."
She sobbed again and nodded.
I smiled widely, reassuringly, before turning and Disapparating on the spot.
* * *
King's Cross Station was filled to near bursting point when I walked through the entrance and onto Platform 9 ¾. I breathed in the familiar smell of smoke before fixing my eyes on the bright red steam engine, the Hogwarts Express. I walked off to put my trolley away and within a few minutes, I was dragging my trunk along the train in search of an empty compartment.
Ever since the word spread around that I had a child, I was always able to find an empty compartment no matter how crowded the train seemed to be. It used to make me mad: How shallow could people be? But now I just accepted it and didn't allow it to make me angry. I could do better with my time instead of wasting it being mad at people who didn't know anything. If anything, I should pity their ignorance.
At the very end of the train, I found an empty compartment and settled into it, stowing my trunk up onto the rack and pulling out my travel bag that I had accommodated for this trip alone. It was filled with muggle and wizard cross word puzzles, the latest newspaper, stationary, and a journal.
I sat right of the window and began writing in my journal, detailing how worried I felt about Olivia even though I haven't even left the platform yet, and how I felt a great sense of loss. Being with her for a full summer and then leaving for months at a time was testing my sanity rather brutally. Then I had to put up with being completely friendless at school.
One thing is strange, I wrote in my journal just as the train started up and on the other side of the window, children were giving last minute goodbyes to their parents, I've never asked myself, 'Why me?'
You'd think that I would ask myself that constantly, considering everything I had to put up with. But I didn't. I thought that it was simply a waste of time to sulk over what could have been. Ellie had taught me well. She didn't want me to be depressed but be thankful for what I had been given. And I was thankful for Olivia. Now I thought that the world would be a mighty less welcome if Olivia weren't a part of it.
The train rumbled and made my script shaky. I sighed and put away my journal, instead pulling out the morning Prophet that Ellie had given me before I had left. I gazed for a few seconds at the picture of Millicent Bagnold before flipping open to the articles on the inside. I read about a man who had been found murdered in an alley in northern London.
I was just about to flip to the next page, barely noticing that we had pulled out of the station and were racing through countryside, when the compartment door slid open and someone entered. I lowered my paper and saw the very boy that had been mentioned in the evening Prophet yesterday.
James Potter was, in American terms, the school heartthrob. Tall and skinny, he had jet black, very unruly hair and round glasses. He was known for his impressive test scores and, of course, his performance on the Quidditch field. Last year he had been made Quidditch captain and the choice was, in my opinion, a smart one. His father had been well known for his Quidditch abilities as well, so James had grown up with Quidditch in his blood.
He looked at me and I knew that he recognized me as "that girl that got pregnant when she was fifteen". I raised my eyebrows at him, wondering if he was going to simply stare at me for the entire train ride or if he was actually going to say something.
"Um," he said, clearly uncomfortable, "do you mind if we sit here?"
I realized that he had said "we" and I looked behind him. Standing in the entrance to the compartment were three other people: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, all James Potter's best mates. This should be interesting.
I gestured at the empty seats. "By all means," I said.
"Thanks," he said, taking the seat opposite me. Sirius sat next to him and Peter sat next to Sirius and that left Remus to sit on my side. He didn't seem too fussed about it but he did sit nearer the door, putting his bag at his feet.
After a few seconds of silence, I was about to look back down at the paper when James spoke suddenly, "I don't believe we've met."
I looked up at him in surprise. Was he kidding me? Everyone in the school, down to all the ghosts, has heard my story. He was not an exception. I saw the look and recognition in his eyes when he saw me. I needed to handle this situation with dignity, I thought to myself. I narrowed my eyes at him. "I don't think we need to hear the polite sugar-coating, Mr. Potter." I said tonelessly, looking down at my paper as I talked. "You've heard of me, everyone in this school has, and everyone surely knows you and I'm no exception." I paused. "I suppose it's nice to meet you."
I turned the page of the paper without interest, feeling sick to my stomach all of a sudden. I felt sort of guilty, talking to him like that after his parents died, which the whole wizarding world now knew, but I wasn't going to take what I said back. I sort of knew how he felt…in a very small way.
"Okay, so I'm bad at this," James said. "But thank you for letting us sit here."
I glanced up at him and smiled timidly. Examining an article about creature rights, I teased, "What? No one could make room for the famous Marauders—Hogwarts' finest generation of pranksters?"
He smiled too, glad, I guessed, at my harmless banter, and shook his head.
"Well, I suppose I can understand the aversion. Having too many good-looking blokes in one compartment isn't good for any girl's system." I joked, flipping the paper onto the back page. I looked up at them to see surprise and a few smiles. "I'm the exception."
Sirius and James laughed and I pulled out my pen to do a personality quiz on the back of the Prophet. My jokes broke the tension in the atmosphere immediately. Sirius and James began talking about Quidditch, apparently a really good game had been played over the summer, and Remus turned to look at me, watching my every movement as I did my quiz.
Finally, I couldn't take the inspection anymore, and looked up at him with a playful smile. "Certainly I am not the only interesting thing in this compartment for a bored bloke to look at." I said.
He smiled. Remus was rather shaggy, his clothing rather worn, but he did have a nice smile. His hair was brown and so were his eyes. I didn't know a lot about him, only that he became more popular when he had joined Sirius and James. I did sense something strange about him, but I never let it get to me.
"You may not be the most interesting," Sirius interrupted before Remus could open his mouth to speak, "But you most certainly are the prettiest."
I almost blushed at his compliment but I rolled my eyes and scoffed. "Rubbish," I said, bending down to put the morning Prophet into my travel bag. I tried not to think too much of Sirius's flirting because that's part of what got me in trouble when I was fifteen.
To put him off, I started talking with Remus. A short time into our conversation, I noticed that he had a rather unprejudiced look on life. We talked about everything from books to the school's teachers and which subjects were our favorites. I told him about a time in Charms, when I was a first year, and I had been asked to levitate a bunch of frogs. Well, something distracted me and I lost my concentration. Unfortunately, Millie Prescott had been within a few feet and the frogs spilled all over her.
"She totally freaked out!" I said over Remus's laughter. "And she's hated me ever since."
Remus and I recounted stories to each other and an hour passed quickly. I was completely at ease and pleased that he did not shun me away for what had happened to me and was about to tell him about the time in Transfiguration when I "accidentally" made Millie Prescott's hair turn a bright shade of pink when the compartment door slid open and a very pretty girl entered, looking flustered but furious all the same.
"Potter!" Lily Evans snapped.
Lily Evans was probably the smartest girl in the school. She was as fast as a whip in her spell work (believe me, I've seen it in action) and as sharp as a tack. The fact that she was Muggle-born earned her even more sneers then usual from the Slytherins. But she was the only girl in the school that James Potter longed to date and she was probably the only girl who hated his guts.
I could see why she was James's target. Not only did she look beautiful with her dark red hair and brilliant, almond shaped green eyes, but also her sweet but fiery personality most likely just added to James's liking towards her. And everyone knows that all boys love a lost cause so the fact that she won't go on a date with him or even give him the time of day, just makes him more and more determined to get her to like him.
"Afternoon, Lily," James greeted, grinning up at her but his smile faltered when he took in her expression. "What?"
"Don't tell me," Lily seethed, "that you forgot the meeting you were supposed to be at!"
Confusion passed over James's face and lines appeared at the corner of his eyes as he thought. "Meeting?" he muttered to himself. Then realization bloomed in his eyes and he gasped. "Lily, the meeting! Damn it! I'm sorry!" He slapped his own forehead. "The meeting."
I was the only one watching Lily's expression and I saw surprise flit across it for a second. "You didn't miss that meeting on purpose, then?" she asked, sounding like she was doubting the answer.
James looked surprised now, and a little hurt. "Of course not!" he said. "I just forgot. I'm not used to going to the prefect carriage."
I squinted at James in confusion. What was he talking about? He wasn't a prefect, was he? I could hardly imagine James Potter a prefect, despite his almost flawless test scores. His school "criminal" record, on the other hand, wasn't so clean. He spent most of his time in detention and I had no idea how he kept up with his schoolwork.
"Why would you go to the prefect carriage?" I asked.
James looked over at me. "I'm Head Boy."
I snorted and then began to laugh. I couldn't even imagine him as a prefect so I couldn't even dream about him being Head Boy. The thought was just so foreign that it couldn't possibly be true. I ducked my head and continued to laugh under my breath.
"No, I really am!" James said indignantly, leaping up and diving into his trunk. I watched him, my laughter fading as I realized that he was actually telling the truth. I knew that he wasn't lying before he even handed me the shiny Head Boy badge.
"Wow," I said, turning the badge this way and that, allowing it to catch the sun filtering in through the window. I looked back up at him, more impressed then I thought I ever would be with him. "Congratulations." I handed it back to him. "I guess that would explain why you were supposed to be in the prefect carriage."
"Supposed to be!" Lily cried, flinging up her hands. "Potter, honestly!"
"Well I said I'm sorry!" James retaliated.
Lily looked indignant for a few seconds before folding her arms firmly and sitting down between Remus and me. I stared at her, just as surprised as everyone else in the cabin. I never thought I would hear of the day when Lily Evans willingly sat in the same compartment with the Marauders and me, the irresponsible girl who got pregnant at fifteen.
Lily looked around at us. "What?" she demanded.
I turned back to face James, who had taken his seat again with an expression of utter shock and confusion, and bit down on my lower lip to stop a smile from bursting onto my face.
"Oh," Lily said, sounding like she just realized something extremely obvious, "Well if I'm interrupting something…" She began to rise from her seat.
I was going to tell her to sit back down but James beat me to it. "No, no," he said quickly, putting his hands up to stop her from leaving. "You weren't interrupting anything."
Lily looked skeptical but sat back down all the same. She looked over at me and held out her hand. "Lily Evans," she introduced.
I stared down at her hand and then back up at her. Why did people do this? Why did they feel the need to introduce themselves when we already knew each other? I looked over at James and he translated my look and my apparent lack of manners.
"Holly feels that there's no need for introductions because we've already heard of each other anyway." James said.
Lily retracted her hand slowly and then shrugged. "Okay," she said simply. I admired her acceptance of this. Most people were offended when I cut to the chase and said that there was no need for introductions. At least James and Lily had a good sense of resilience to other people, except each other.
Lily was fun to talk to. We didn't talk amongst ourselves like we had done earlier, but had an open conversation with everyone else in the compartment. Lily's anger towards James had evaporated quite thoroughly and I was enjoying my time with what could be new friends.
It was interesting to observe them, how they interacted with each other, how Lily constantly laughed at James's jokes and how James constantly shoved Sirius's shoulder. I was fascinated by the two boys' obvious friendship.
I had heard a lot about Sirius Black's family, who hasn't? Their family has been popular for their dark side of magic and how they were pureblood all the way to the middle Ages. Sirius was probably one of the first direct Black descendants to be put in Gryffindor house.
I found myself wondering how James and Sirius were related. They were both pureblood after all and all the pureblood families are interrelated. James and Sirius must be distant cousins somehow. I felt like asking but when I opened my mouth to speak in a general lull of the conversation, I spotted Hogwarts and blurted that out instead.
I was expecting Lily and the others to leave me be when we reached Hogsmeade Station, but when I started to off to find a carriage on my own, Lily seized my arm saying, "Where do you think you're going, Holly?"
I looked back at her with an innocently confused expression. "To find a carriage," I said.
Lily laughed and tugged on my hand. "Silly Holly, you'll get lost. You're coming with us." She said. She pulled me after the four Marauders, who were clambering into a carriage and holding the door open for Lily and me.
"I don't get lost easily, Lily Evans," I said with mock seriousness. Honestly, I was flattered that they seemed to actually want me to join them. That was definitely a first. I had always been like a social pariah at school because of the…well, no need to keep mentioning it.
Lily simply laughed again as she forced me to sit down between herself and Sirius, who looked at me with amusement.
"I am truly insulted at your remark," I said, still playing up the fake severity. "I am born with a brilliant sense of direction."
James, Sirius and Lily laughed and I rolled my eyes at Remus, who was sitting across from me. I really didn't get the joke, to be quite honest, but I let them laugh anyway. No point in jeopardizing a friendship that was still in the acquaintance stage.
* * *
Hogwarts cooking always reminded me of how I couldn't cook to save my life and of home. Ellie's double chocolate cream pie was to die for but the Hogwarts puddings were coming up to her. Just thinking of the wonderful dishes Hogwarts had to offer made my stomach ache. Professor Dumbledore kept the speechmaking till after the feast, for which I was thankful.
James requested that I sit when him and his friends during dinner. I was surprised; I usually sat alone, but I kindly accepted. Lily had other friends to sit with so I sat myself down next to Sirius. I chatted with the four of them for a while until someone sat down rather roughly beside me, as though they wanted to make themselves known. I turned to look and tensed for half a second.
Jeremy Wilkes was leaning forward onto the table, resting on his elbows and smiling at me. I'm sure that, to any other girl, it would melt their heart but to me, I saw the implication and I immediately looked back at James, who was sitting across from me. I could tell that he knew something was wrong and it was Jeremy's fault. I stared down at my empty plate and willed for the anger in my chest to go away.
I had no idea how Jeremy had ended up in Gryffindor when he acted so much like a Slytherin. He was one of the many guys in the school that was high up on the female nab list. He was dirty blond and blue eyed and not to mention muscular. He played Quidditch but was booted off the team once James became captain.
"Evening, Holly," he said cheerfully.
My hands were clasped tightly in my lap and Sirius noticed. He shared a meaningful glance with James and then glared at Jeremy while I tried to collect myself. I closed my eyes for a brief second before taking a deep breath and saying in an even voice, "Good evening, Jeremy."
"You look tense," he noted.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I did my best to relax but I couldn't stand how close he was to me. I scooted a little bit closer to Sirius and that seemed to make me relax a bit more. "Do I?" I muttered.
"There's plenty of room down the bench, Wilkes," James suddenly snapped from across the table.
I looked up at him, not realizing that I had been staring at my knees, and frowned. I had no idea what James was doing. It took me a few seconds to realize that he was doing what a friend should do: do their best to make me comfortable. James was glaring at Jeremy and the latter looked extremely put off. He glanced at me, as if for support, and when realizing that he wasn't going to get any, got up and moved down the table.
I immediately relaxed, letting out a breath of relief. I looked up at James again and smiled. "Thanks," I said, unclenching my hands and placing them on the table.
He looked at me, having to look away from Jeremy's back, and returned the smile though not as warmly. "I don't like Jeremy Wilkes," he said tightly.
"Nor do I," I said. "So I guess that makes two of us."
"Why do you hate him?" James asked.
I shrugged, feeling that familiar sense of tightening in my chest whenever this subject was mentioned. I had never told anyone, not even Ellie, what my most feared memory was and I was certainly not going to tell my new friends. "Personal reasons," I said, hoping that this would close the subject.
To my intense relief, the huge oak doors opened and a small group of first years entered, led by Professor McGonagall, the new Transfiguration teacher. I was lucky because James looked like he wanted to pursue the subject a little bit more than I preferred.
I watched the sorting of the first years with interest and allowed my imagination run away with me. I could only imagine what it would be like for Olivia when she got old enough to come to Hogwarts. I wondered if she would be popular. I was positive that she would do well in her classes because she was a smart two-year-old.
I spaced out for most of the sorting and only snapped back into reality when food suddenly appeared on the table and the students began loading up. My stomach rumbled, reminding me of how hungry I was, so I began to eat.
* * *
I walked to the common room with Sirius, Remus and Peter: James having gone off to the headmaster's office with Lily. I found that I was definitely loosening up around them and I even teased them more than I had on the train. They seemed to like it—they obviously didn't push me away—and even wanted me to sit with them in the common room.
I settled myself on an armchair by the fire and continued to talk with the three boys. They were quite funny, even Peter, and I was sure that I had never laughed so much in my life. I was just about to share a story about how I had tried flying once when I was ten and crashed through my uncle's kitchen window, when James and Lily entered the common room.
I looked up, surprised, because Lily was laughing. I raised my eyebrows at Remus and Sirius but they just shrugged. This was something worth seeing: Lily was actually laughing at something that James Potter had said. It was a nice kind of laugh, not the scornful kind.
Lily spotted me and James spotted Sirius and his other friends and both of them came over, quickly claiming seats. I looked at both of them, searching for the reason why Lily was acting so out of character. Had James slipped her something? I highly doubted it: James wasn't into that kind of thing.
"Okay," I said slowly to the pair of them. "What's with you two?"
Lily looked at me with a curious expression on her face but before she could open her mouth, there was a huge bang, making me shriek in alarm and for everyone in the vicinity to jump (Lily, James, Remus, Sirius, Peter, a few fifth years and I were the only ones in the common room). I turned in my armchair to look what the commotion was and saw that there was a very dazed looking owl sitting—or rather, tottering—on the windowsill.
One of the fifth years got up and let it in, grabbing the parcel attached to it and reading whom it was to.
She looked up at me and held out the letter. "It's for you," she said in a small voice.
I got up and crossed the room, taking it from her and smiling. "Thank you," I said kindly, going back to the armchair. I was sure that the girl was curious of me and she wasn't very good at hiding it. I had seen the wariness in her face as I had taken my letter from her.
I looked at the handwriting and quickly tore it open, smiling widely.
Dearest Holly,
I know that this is a little early to write but I have to know how you're doing so far. Olivia is fine but she's been crying since you left. She'll get over it and soon look towards your Christmas visit. I'm tight lipped about her birthday but I promised that she would get the greatest birthday gift ever. Have you spoken to Professor Dumbledore yet?
Are you still having trouble with making friends? I sure hope not. I have a feeling that things this year will be different for you. I've always said that I might have Seer blood in me.
Your loving grandmother,
Ellie
I laughed without meaning to. Well, I thought, you sure were right, Ellie. I was well on my way to making friends. Of course, the Marauders, Lily and I were…acquaintances. I was still uneasy about where we stood but only tomorrow would tell. I wondered whether or not they would accept me after they've gotten a good night sleep.
"What's so funny?" Sirius asked.
I looked up, grinning but surprised. I had forgotten that the five of them were even in the room. "Oh!" I said, folding the letter back up. "It's from my grandmother. She's just asking about school and telling me about—um, home."
I wish that I hadn't broken off like I did but at least I didn't mention Olivia. I was still waiting to see whether the four boys and head girl could be trusted not to judge.
"It's only the first night," James said.
I laughed. "I know!" I said, tucking the letter into my robes, still laughing. "But there's my grandmother for you."