CAST

CAST

JEAN VALJEAN—An older, jaded, cynical actor who has played the role of Jean Valjean for eternity and is perpetually typecast.

JAVERT—An overly enthusiastic young understudy playing the role for the first time. He desperately wants to be famous, and is extremely energetic and flamboyant. He plays the character of Javert as blatantly lusting after Valjean.

FANTINE—A former bombshell entering middle age who feels the uncomfortable realization that she hasn't been cast in a glamorous role for quite some time.

THENARDIER—The hammy actor who constantly plays to the audience and overacts desperately trying to make his role funny, to no avail.

MADAME THENARDIER—Constantly upstaged by Thenardier, despite the fact that she's far more talented.

YOUNG COSETTE—An innocent little child with a vicious stage mother. She does not want to perform; she'd rather just play like a regular kid and is scared of most of the actors except Marius.

GAVROCHE—A creepy overly precocious spoiled brat who has managed to attain pervy tendencies at the tender age of eleven.

MARIUS—A young Michael Ball type performer, meaning he's very talented and cute but on the chubby side. He gets a lot of flak from his freakishly fit fellow students. He genuinely loves the musical "Les Miserables" and has true respect, reverence, and love for the material and gets upset when other people don't.

ENJOLRAS— Former boy band member with no vocal training whatsoever. Knows fully well that his character is supposed to be (physically) a sex god and capitalizes on it as much as possible. Especially loves to bully Marius.

EPONINE— Very much the diva, thinks she's the biggest, most important thing on Broadway. Determined to upstage everyone, thinks everyone else is bad. Her voice is preternaturally loud and whiny and no one really wants to stand next to her.

COSETTE— An ingénue who has always only played ingénues and really wants to play meatier roles. She's frustrated with the fact that the character of Cosette has very little to do, particularly since most of the action revolves around her.

1. PROLOGUE

(It is a performance of Les Miserables late into the run. The extras saddled with playing the chain gang trudge onstage, along with Valjean.)

CHAIN GANG:
Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye

Ignore friends' waves and daughters' shouts of 'hi.'

GUY 1:
The spotlight's bright, it's far too hot below.

CHAIN GANG:
Look down, look down, there's forty songs to go.

GUY 2:
I hate this song! I want to play Javert!

CHAIN GANG:
Look down, look down, Sir Cameron doesn't care.

GUY 3: (Peering out doubtfully at his girlfriend)
I doubt she'll sit the whole performance through…

CHAIN GANG:
Look down, look down, besides, she came for Drew!

GUY 4:
When this show's done

I'll try a run

In "Hairspray!"

(Is attacked by an angry stage hand)

CHAIN GANG:
Look down, look down, this song's not very fun!

GUY 5:
How long, Sir Cam, before my contract's done?

ALL:

Look down, look down, I'll always be a swing.

Despite the fact that half the leads can't sing.

(JAVERT pounces onstage. He is an understudy playing the role for the first time ever, and a little bit too enthusiastic. )

JAVERT:
Now, bring me Prisoner 24601!
I'll say this loads before the show is done.

You know what that means…

VALJEAN:
Yes… it means you're gay.

JAVERT:
NO!

It means I get to be your tragic foil

'Till I shuffle off this mortal coil

When blind with grief

And pretty much insane!

VALJEAN:

That cliché's overused to death.

Besides, it's boring…

Same old chase again.

Until I learn the meaning of "the law"

Well, I know the meaning of the nineteen years

That I've played this role!

JAVERT:
Five months I've spent onstage

Waiting for Norm to end his run,

Yes, 24601!

VALJEAN:
Geez, call me Jean Valjean…

JAVERT:
And I am… Javert!

Do not forget my naaaaame!

I'll be a star soon!

(Valjean just walks away with annoyance, and then Javert just turns around and shouts after him.)

JAVERT:

24601!!

CHORUS:

Look down, look down, looks like this clown's first night

Look down, look down, he'll screw things up, all right.

(Valjean's alone on the stage.)

VALJEAN:
I'm fifty-nine, yet I'm here still.

I moan, I wince…not this again.

But these folks paid, and they're all waiting.

All my costars are half my age.

I can't forget the years onstage.

Never forget the overdone

Belting out "24601!"

The show begins, and now let's see

How much more I'll wreck my knee!

(The farm scene. Valjean quickly starts losing his breath from running around the stage.)

FARMER:

You'll have to go

The floor's revolving again.

And I have to play Courfeyrac

And six other men.

VALJEAN:

I swear this is half the time

I usually get!

Running around like this

Works up quite a sweat!

LABOURER:

You've made your bed

So now go lie in it, G.

You can't expect to be as quick

As fit young guys like me.

VALJEAN:
And now the stage door's closed to me

It's like a jail, and I'm a dog stuck on a chain.

I rarely get to go offstage

Can't catch my breath, but I'm the star, so can't complain.

I can't go and drink the beer

That's stashed offstage so near.

(He comes to the inn scene.)

WOMAN:

I've got four lines.

I starred in every school play.

They said I'd be a star,

So why's this all that I say?

VALJEAN:

I wish this inn was real

I would sleep here right now.

I'm always half asleep

When I go take my bow.

INNKEEPER:
You'll leave my house

Or feel the weight of my rod!
This line makes me feel awkward

It sounds rather odd…

(They throw him out)

VALJEAN:

Oh, yes, I know how stardom feels

Each solo chases one more's heels

'Cause I'm the star.

This mic is taped onto my face

It makes me heard throughout the place

'Cause I'm the star.

Like a robot

Pace the stage

A tiger in a cage.

(He sits down with boredom and exhaustion, and the bishop walks onstage. Like Valjean, he's rather apathetic. Unlike Valjean, he's clearly on pot and forgets most of his lyrics.)

BISHOP:

Come in, dude, 'cause you look tired.

And besides, the script says so.

Though I wrote my lines on my hand

What I say here, I don't know.

There is wine… I drank a lot, though.

There is bread… I left backstage…

There's a bed back there or something

Oh great, what's on the next page?

VALJEAN:

He made me feed him lines—

I know the show by heart.

He left his props offstage

And didn't know his part.

In all the nineteen years

That I have played this role

There's one in every show.

And this fool's wrecked the scene,

He's gone and messed up good.

I played my role, of course,

And went on like I should.

But when the house is dark

And everyone has gone…
He'll wish he hadn't messed with JEEEAAAAAAAAAN!

(Glares at the bishop and runs off before being apprehended by the 'police.')

COP 1:

Tell me quickly, what's the story—

COP 2:
Dude, that line's one of Javert's!

COP 1:
Who laid HANDS on this good man here?

COP 2:

But that's… what the heck, who cares.

Half the audience is new here

Far as they're concerned, we're fine

They don't even know what comes next,

So we're cool, then.

VALJEAN: (Hissing at Bishop)
That's your line!

(Bishop wakes up quickly with a yawn.)

BISHOP:

But my something something something,

Dang, this line has slipped my mind.

I forgot I'm s'posed to sing here

VALJEAN: (Profoundly irritated)
Tonight, I'll kick your behind…

BISHOP:
So you cops can go offstage now

Gosh, I wish I had a clue

What exactly I should sing here

Or what I should give to you…

VALJEAN:
Just remember this tomorrow

When you're nursing your new bruise

I would pull my act together

If I was here in your shoes.

The director won't be happy.

There's a lot of eager men

Who'd replace you in a heartbeat

Now you'll never work again.