Disclaimer: Bleach and all characters belong to Tite Kubo. Not me, because if I owned Bleach, Toshirou would've long since been married off to me -

My first Bleach fic, so be nice! Haha, kidding, just be honest about what you think of it. That'll be enough. And make sure you REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!

…please.

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Bleach Outtakes

Scene where Rukia appears out of Ichigo's wall

Ichigo: O.O

Rukia: It's close…(steps down and trips) OW!

Ichigo: …you alright?

Rukia: (glare)

Ichigo: What?

Rukia: (hits him) Hello? Damsel in distress here? What the hell kind of main character are you? Get on with it already!

Ichigo: Ooooooooh, right, right. (grabs her and kisses her)

Rukia: Now we're talking!

Director: CUT! CUT, DAMMIT CUT! This is NOT how the script goes!

Rukia and Ichigo: (too preoccupied to bother)

Mizu: Ha, I've always wanted this to happen. MWAHAHA. (waves IchiRu flag)

Uryuu: Thank god you don't own us (looks sick)

Chad: (pale) Abuelo…help.

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Scene where Rukia pops out of his closet and a Hollow (Orihime's brother) attacks

Rukia: ICHIGO! (pulls on glove and smashes her fist into his head)

Ichigo: OWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rukia: O.o Huh?! What the fu—dge? What a minute—this isn't the soul pusher-outer glove thingy! HEY! WHO SWITCHED MY GLOVE!!! (mumbles) And it isn't even a good color. I mean, c'mon, olive green?!?!?!

Ichigo: …soul pusher-outer glove thingy?

Hollow: Uh…hello? I'm still here, you know…

Director: CUT! AND YOU! (points an angry finger at Uryuu) No messing with the wardrobes, you fashion freak!

Uryuu: Hey, it's not my fault Shinigamis have no fashion sense. (simpers off)

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Scene where Rukia appears at school for the first time

Rukia: Hellooooo Kurosaki-kun! (sparkles)

Ichigo: What the fuck?! What are—

Rukia: I'm sure we'll get along just fiiiine (holds out hand with kanji written on it)

Ichigo: (reads) Kiss me. Now. Oh. (grins) Ohhhhh. Hell, why not just do it now? (proceeds to make out with Rukia)

Classmates: (nosebleed)

Director: (talking through a nosebleed) 'ey! Eet's keep th' ratin' PG13!!

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Scene where Orihime almost gets run over by a car

Orihime: O.o AHHHHHHHH A CAR'S COMING AT ME, I'M GONNA DIE I'MGONNADIEI'MGONNADIE OH SHITAKE MUSHROOMS AND GARLIC CHICKENS I'M GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rukia: Uh, Inoue. You don't die in this chapter. In fact, you don't die at all.

Orihime: …oh. Well, then. (all hapy now) Carry on! (waves at the car) You can hit me now! (smiles)

Car Driver: …

Director: …you do realize that they have scripts for a reason, right? (mutters) Stupid girl thinks with her breasts.

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Scene where Uryuu appears and challenges Ichigo

Uryuu: We'll use this. (holds up Hollow bait)

Ichigo: …what the hell is that?

Uryuu: It's bait that'll attract the Hollows. Whoever kills the most Hollows wins. Maybe now you will finally see that you are not a true Shinigami and never will be.

Ichigo: Hey! Wait, wait—

Uryuu: (snaps the bait and Hollows come rushing out)

Ichigo: Ohhhhh shit. (fight mode)

Rukia: (picks up a piece of the bait) Hey wait a minute! This is just chocolate!

Uryuu: (blush) Well, the real bait was too expensive. So…I improvised.

Ichigo: CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!! (tackles Rukia for it)

Uryuu: …maybe it was a mistake getting chocolate.

Rukia: (getting crushed) Yea…

Hollows: ...um...hello? Guys? Guys?!

Director: …that's it. I'm definitely going to be talking to someone about these budget cuts. (stalks off stage; hurriedly comes back) Oh wait, CUT!

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Scene where Rukia goes to Urahara's store

Urahara: Oh, Kuchiki-san! How nice to see you again! Were you looking for anything?

Rukia: Soul candy. Now. Neeeed. Souuuuuuuuuuuul. Caaaaaaaaandy (attacks Urahara for soul candy)

Urahara: Ack! (runs away) Tessai! Goddamit Tessai! Get your ass over here! Zombie Maneuver #2! HURRY UP!! (gets tackled by Rukia)

Director: CUT! …and somebody go get a straitjacket. (glares at Ichigo) Now you see why I said no switching her coffee to decaf?!

Ichigo: …sorry.

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Scene where Kon is put into a stuffed animal

Kon: Hey! How come I get this body! Couldn't you do any better?!

Ichigo: Hm…well, now that you mention it…I suppose I could get you a key chain.

Kon: O.O

Rukia: Hey, yea! That could work. Or, we could stick him in a Barbie doll. I'm sure Yuzu has some of those around.

Director: (barely containing his laughter) As amusing as this sounds, you really need to stick with the script.

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Scene where Rukia is found by Renji and Byakuya

Renji: (unleashes his zanpakutou) You who doesn't even know his own zanpakutou's name is unworthy of fighting the Captain!

Ichigo: (gets hit in the shoulder) …?

Renji: O.O Dude, you're supposed to fall over in a spray of blood!

Ichigo: Huh? (looks at shoulder) Ack, noooo! My portable radio's in there! My poor radio! My poor $75 radio! Renji, you bastard!!!!

Renji: Hey don't blame me! You're the one who—hey, wait…that radio looks familiar.

Ichigo: Uh-oh…(silently waiting for countdown to Renji explosion) I mean...what radio?

Renji: HEY, YOU FUCKING BASTARD! THAT'S MY RADIO!!!! NO WONDER I COULDN'T FIND IT!!!!!!!!!!

Ichigo: What are you mumbling about, you tattoo freak?! This is mine!

Renji: No, it's MINE!

Ichigo: MINE!

Renji: MINE!

Ichigo: MINE, GODDAMMIT!!!

Renji: IT'S FUCKING MINE!

Rukia and Byakuya: …

Renji and Ichigo: (still fighting over the radio)

Byakuya: …great, at this rate, I'll never get to show off my great speed skills and stab him through the back.

Rukia: Thank god..

Byakuya: (glare) I'm not done with you yet, missy.

Director: CUT! Renji, Ichigo, cut it out or I'm getting out the straitjackets! And YOU, Byakuya! Save your family issues for later! (attempts to pry Renji and Ichigo's hands from each other's throats)

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Scene where Urahara finds Ichigo lying in the rain after getting beaten by Byakuya

Urahara: (holding umbrella over them) Hn…

Ichigo: …

Urahara: (pulls out cane and pokes him)

Ichigo: (wince) OW!

Urahara: (poke poke)

Ichigo: Dammit, man, stop doing that! Aren't you supposed to help me?!

Urahara: Heheheh...hm? Oh yes, but this is more fun. (poke)

Ichigo: OWWW!!! (faints)

Urahara: (glances at his cane) Oops…the blade unsheathed. Sorry, Kurosaki. Kurosaki? …hello?

Ichigo: X.X

Director: CUT! Ok, from now on, Kisuke gets plastic swords. Medic!

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Annnd that's all the outtakes for this chapter. On to something...more fun...heheheheh. (cackles like an evil monkey)

Things They Would Never Say (or at least, I hope they wouldn't say them…)

Hitsugaya

I need a highchair, get me a highchair dammit!

You're right…I'm weak (sobs)

Ew, go out with Momo? Are you crazy?!

Ooooh paperwork! I just love paperwork!

Hey Rangiku, you hottie. Want to go out for lunch? (wink)

I'm too sexy for my robes, I'm too sexy…

Hey everyone! Isn't it a jolly good day today? Sun's out, bird's chirping…ah, I just love cheeriness! (all smiles and sparkles)

Aw crap, my hair's all messed up. Hold on while I fix it. (pulls out compact mirror and proceeds to preen himself)

Rangiku

Oh shit, my boobs are showing! (reties robes)

Hey y'all! Where ah' th' cows and th' chickens?

Ugh, I hate this shawl, it's waaaay too fancy. (chucks it)

I'm shaving my head and becoming a nun!

Jewelry? Oh no, I don't like that crap.

I'm a tree hugger! (runs over to hug a tree)

Oh my god, Yamamoto, you are so hot. (hugs)

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Yay, first chapter of Bleach Outtakes is DONE!!! celebrates

And yes, you may have figured it out by now. For the Things They'll Never Say I'm doing two each chapter—a captain and their vice-captain. Of course I'd do Hitsugaya first! I love him And sorry if it's really lame…T.T

EDIT: 8/28/07 -- yes, it took me THIS long to edit. Stupid formatting. Anyway. Thanks for bearing with the horrible format for this long.

Anyway, Read and Review please!