The Supermarket

Dorie Kaiba

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter; if I did I would have made them all gay. I don't own Snickers; if I did I would be eating them all the time for free. I don't own Gay Pride Magazine, if it even exists, which I am sure it does.

AN: This is a humor fic and 100 OOC. I got this plot bunny from an unusual place. A group of jerks were flaming a story of mine and I think they said how Voldemort was as likely to do whatever I made him do, as he was to pick out curtains. I like the supermarket better.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

"Master why exactly are we here?" Peter Pettigrew said.

I should have yelled at him but the question was one I had thought about for a while too. I looked up thoughtfully at the florescent ceiling and replied, "Well some say that there was nothing which exploded and created the universe..."

"No Master, why are we here in the supermarket?"

"I am hungry." Honestly, the rat was pretty dim if he couldn't surmise that apparent fact.

"But Master, you have magic, you could have created a meal for yourself," Pettigrew stammered. "Or we would have made your meal for you."

"I know that, but you could poison my food."

"Oh Master, we would never dare to..."

"Silence! They have dared to many times, but I hire secret taste testers for a reason. Well when I say hired..."

Pettigrew nodded.

"Master, look it is Harry Potter!"

"Idiot, why do you shout out like that? We are supposed to be here incognito!"

Of course I had disguised myself in a hat, glasses, and a trench coat. Potter on the other hand, was wearing his robes and holding out his wand. Amateur.

"I am here to kill you Voldemort," the prepubescent punk cried.

"What have I done wrong? I am only here for a snickers bar."

Potter looked like he wasn't buying it.

"I am sure you are here to kill muggles!"

"Well, I have been in the store for an hour and they are all alive," I said evenly.

"Ah then this is a trap! Well, I have the entire order and ministry of magical law officers surrounding the building. You may as well have your men come out and drop their wands," Potter said imperiously.

"There are no other men. You have lost your mind from grief Potter." I moved slightly towards him and something fell out of my coat onto the floor.

"Aha! So what is this then? You're secret plan?"

Potter picked up the magazine. He looked at it his eyes bugging out.

"Gay Pride Magazine," he said stupidly.

I darted and snatched it back.

"Master...," Pettigrew looked shocked.

"Okay now you die Potter," I pulled out my wand and avada kedavra-ed him.

AVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVAVA

It was late at night when my tattoo burned me. I woke up, got quickly dressed and ran to my Master's side.

He had the happiest grin on his face when he said, "Come on Rat, we are going to the market."

That was last week. He is now at St. Mungo's. I never did understand what his screaming about Potter's mortality having to do with Snickers bars meant.